The wisdom within, p.16
The Wisdom Within, page 16
Right now, I had Nik in front of me, and I wanted to take advantage of every second I had with him.
I raised my skates and pointed them to the rink. “So, you up for this? If not, we can take a rain check and do a boring dinner and movie.” Nik’s face scrunched up in dislike, and I had to laugh and say, “Or not.”
“You asking me to miss an opportunity for the two of us looking ridiculous? Naw.” He jerked his head toward the skate rental. “Let’s get it.”
Nik made it sound like he was a newbie with skating, but he wasn’t half bad. He soon caught on that I was far from a novice too, and we relaxed and had fun skating around the rink.
After a few laps, Nik tapped my arm, pointed to an exit area, and wheeled off the rink. I followed him into a quiet area with seating tucked away from the music and people.
“What the fuck, are you some secret Olympian or something?” he said in disbelief as he leaned back in the chair, running his fingers through his hair. “You move like a damn figure skater.”
A laugh burst out of me, and I bent over, pressing a hand to my stomach. “You’re giving me way too much credit. I used to ref for the derby team a couple of years ago. We got pretty into the group. It was fun.”
“Is that why you volunteered at the fundraiser?”
“No, actually, Leon caught me after support group and asked me if I could help.”
“Ah,” Nik said with a tone of understanding. “Leon and Toryn have a way of recruiting people in a way that’s too sweet to say no. But it ain’t even fake, it’s for real. They’re good people.”
“Seems like they are.”
We sat back to rest, unconsciously syncing our movements with each other as we bobbed our heads to the music. The lapse in conversation allowed my brain to wander again, memories of going to the rink with Ada so she could practice skating before going to the training sessions for the fresh meat, the evenings when she’d come back to the apartment drenched with sweat and so, so happy.
She was a favorite at the derby after-parties, and I’d never forget the surprise on her face when she scored her first MVP award. Little bits of nostalgia like this caught me off guard, weaseling into a light moment and slashing it in half.
Nik’s arm stretched over the back of my chair, his fingers brushing over my shoulder. “Hey, where’d you drift off to? Looks like you went somewhere unpleasant.”
“Sorry, took a trip down memory lane.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
I stole a glance of him out of the corner of my eye. “Sure, if you’re up for taking on the emotional labor of my woes?”
Nik made a face like I’d asked him to do something insane like climb House Mountain. “Trust me, I don’t offer time I don’t have to people.” His fingers trailed up the back of my neck, weaving through my hair. “I got plenty of time for you.”
Such simple words on their own, but strung together with the rasp of Nik’s voice and his touch, they made it impossible for me not to open up to him. He didn’t take his blue-gray eyes off of me, listening intently.
Nik leaned closer, and the heat in his eyes had my breath hitching. He whispered, “You know how you said it’s hard to think when you’re around me sometimes?” He tightened his fingers in my hair little more. “Yeah, I feel that about you too. Hard.”
His voice was both playful and sweet, so I couldn’t resist the urge to lean in and steal a kiss. He chased after me when I pulled away, placing his hand on my chest so the sensation of his touch mixed with the sensation of his kiss on my lips. Suddenly, I needed to be someplace more private with him, so I asked, “Wanna come back to my place? We could watch Netflix and order Chinese to go.”
Nik wetted his lips, fingers crawling up to my collarbone. “Yeah, sounds dope. But just so you know, I don’t put out on the first date.”
I huffed out a laugh and shook my head, leaning in for another lingering kiss. “I wouldn’t dare assume,” I murmured, our foreheads pressed together.
We walked together toward the parking lot, and with each step, the overwhelming rush of adoration and love swelled inside of me. I pulled it close to me, cradling it against my chest, wondering if Nik felt the same. A part of me wanted to keep this wonderful feeling selfishly close, so I didn’t mention it.
NIK
“If you come in and talk to Duncan, I know he’ll put you back on a probation period,” I said, leaning against my car in Sunrise’s parking lot, holding back my urge to push. Walt had been on the phone with me for the last twenty minutes, and I could tell he wasn’t sober. What he was on I had no fucking idea, but he was definitely messed up.
I was supposed to be on my way to Micah’s already, but I didn’t want to let Walt go when he was like this. No one had heard a peep from him in days, and if I let him go now, we might never hear from him again.
“C’mon, you know that’s not how it works. It’s not how it works ever. You mess up, and then people cut ya off,” Walt said, his gravelly voice rumbling through the line. “I wanted to show I could get better. I wanted to prove to my kids I was worthy to be their father, and—ah, hang on a second.”
Walt started talking to someone, but the conversation was muffled. I poked a finger in my other ear, straining to figure out where the hell he was.
I kept him on the line and listened. The sharp wit of the person I’d grown to respect had dulled. Walt was the kinda dude who had a personality that would take up the entire room, and people loved it. He didn’t have a single gripe with anyone at work, and everyone there had a bone to pick.
“You ever think maybe it’s better to not get clean?” Walt asked, his voice wobbly. “Everything I touch turns to rot. Maybe . . . maybe this is how it was all meant to be.”
My throat hurt from holding back tears. Every addict felt that way at some point, but I knew from his tone that his words were a red flag. One so bright I knew all it would take was one wrong turn and Walt would be permanently gone.
He continued to talk, but I could barely hear him over the sudden burst of voices in the background. Fuck it, if they got him off the line, at least I tried.
“Hey, why don’t you tell me where you’re at and we can hang out?”
Walt huffed a dark laugh. “Relax. I’m not doing that shit. I just hit up an old dive I used to go to, okay? I won’t do anything stupid.”
I tilted my head up to the sky, the head of the sun baking into my skin. “Are you drinking?”
“Don’t you pull that judgment with me, son,” Walt said with enough bite that I winced. “I could be out on the streets picking up whatever the fuck I wanted. At least I’m not doing that.”
I bit my tongue to stop me from snapping back. The slippery slope back into using always started with bargaining. Drinking was better than pills, which was better than snorting coke, which was better than shooting meth. In the end, it all came out the same in the wash.
“But you’re thinking about it, aren’t you?” I asked. “You’re thinking about going down to the street and scoring. All it takes is one choice.”
The answering silence was enough for me to push forward. “Let’s meet up. We can talk about this more. I can even take you to my support group tomorrow.”
“Sure,” Walt said, his tone detached. I knew immediately that I’d lost him. “Hey, I gotta go, but I’ll call you soon, and we can talk about that more.”
He hung up before I got another word in. A part of me wanted to go and scout every fucking bar Walt ever mentioned in passing, but I knew that doing it wouldn’t amount to anything. All I could do was keep my line open and wait for his call.
I shot a text to Micah letting him know that I was on my way. It was easy to distract myself from my conversation with Walt by driving, humming along to the radio, and keeping an eye on traffic. It made me crave Micah’s presence, and the closer I got to his apartment, the more excited I was to see him.
When I started walking toward his apartment, I knew something was wrong. Micah’s door was cracked open, and a woman was screaming.
“Micah, tell me now where the fuck my shit is or I am going to rip this entire place apart, I swear—” The door was yanked open, revealing a woman who shared Micah’s raven hair and icy blue eyes. There was no mistaking who she was.
To someone else, she may have looked tired, but I could see in the hollow of her cheeks and the deadness in her eyes that she was strung-out.
“Who the fuck are you?” Ada said, turning to Micah and pointing at me. “Who the fuck is this?”
“Nik,” I said, extending my hand. Ada looked at my hand and rolled her eyes, breathing out a curse before disappearing back into the apartment.
Micah heaved an exhausted sigh and covered his eyes. “Sorry, she showed up and was causing a scene outside, so I had to let her in.”
“No need to apologize,” I said, heading into the apartment. Micah’s hand shot out, and he yanked me back. There was alarm in his eyes, like he was scared to let me inside.
“I don’t think you should see this,” he whispered, the fear bubbling in the back of his throat.
I gently pulled his hand off my arm and raised it up to kiss his palm. “You trust me?” Micah pulled his bottom lip between his teeth and nodded. “Then I ain’t going anywhere. Whatever’s inside, there isn’t anything I haven’t seen or done before.”
He allowed me to come in just as something crashed against a wall, and he practically sprinted toward the sound. I looked around and shook my head at the disarray Ada had left in her wake. It wouldn’t do any good to start trying to straighten things up now, so I went into the kitchen to find something to do while I waited out the storm.
“I can’t believe you got rid of my things,” Ada said, sounding on the verge of tears.
“As I’ve said before, I didn’t get rid of your things. I put them in storage,” Micah said with an exhausted sigh that made me wince. I’d heard that same tone out of my own brother, like he knew if he gave me any more rope, he’d only be hangin’ himself.
“Yeah, and you didn’t tell me,” Ada said, anger picking up some gas again, a cue for another blowout about to happen. I opened the cupboard where Micah kept his glasses and pulled out two mugs.
“Ada, how am I supposed to tell you when you leave me on read and turn off your location? Can’t you see I’m not trying to fuck you over? I want to get you help so you can get better.”
“No, what you want is for me to be someone I can’t be anymore. You say you love me, but you don’t. You love a ghost, Micah. That’s what you love.”
“That’s not true, I do love—”
“You don’t. You think I wake up and want to be like this? You think I want to go work a job I hate and push through my shift so I can get loaded again?” Ada’s voice shook with tears. “It’s not that I want it, Micah. It’s that I can’t stop.”
“You can, Ada, but not by yourself. Please let me help you,” Micah said, his voice insistent.
How many times had I heard that exact line? More than I could count. And the fact that this person who meant so much to me was stuck on the idea that it would be better for Ada if she went to rehab again made my stomach churn.
He really didn’t get it. If he couldn’t see how fucked that logic was with someone who was an active user, how could he understand my own recovery?
The front door slammed hard enough that the mugs shook on the counter. Micah was at the front door ready to bolt after her, but I managed to get in front of him and block him.
“Let me go talk to her,” I said, tilting to the side when Micah tried to get his hand on the knob. “Hey, your sister isn’t gonna listen to a single word you’re saying, feel me? I told you, whatever she’s doing, I’ve either seen or done myself.”
Micah stepped back his hands up in surrender. “Fine. I’ll go clean up the mess she left behind.”
Ada hadn’t gone far. I found her sitting in front of someone’s car, typing furiously on her phone. As I walked closer, she jumped, hiding her phone under her thigh before her eyes narrowed at me. “I swear to god if you don’t go away, I’ll start screaming.”
I stayed where I was and raised a hand. “Hey, I ain’t coming any closer. All I ask is you listen for a sec, and you ain’t ever gotta hear from me again.”
The suspicion in Ada’s voice was heavy when she said, “Fine. You have three minutes before my ride show up.”
“You can go about and do whatever it is you wanna do. But if you’re in a situation you can’t get out of, how many numbers you got to call?”
Ada raised an eyebrow. “What the fuck does it matter to you?”
I squatted so that we were eye level and shrugged. “Consider me curious. But I’d bet good money that your options are slim after Micah.”
At this, Ada turned away, her arms twitching. “You’re wasting your time coming out here trying to lure me in with sugar and lead me to a trap. I know guys like you. You’re a dime a dozen.”
“Naw, I ain’t one of those dudes. I know all the alleys you visit, all the places you wake up at, wondering how you got there. I know the people you hit up when you need a fix and how good it feels when you get it,” I said. Ada’s back stiffened, and I knew I had her attention. “So, when shit gets real, you wanna be able to call me or not?”
“Screw it,” Ada said, with a shrug that looked too sharp for apathy.
I only got a chance to give her my number before a truck on the most obnoxious-ass lifts came barreling in, flashing its brights at us. Ada scrambled upward, jogged to the truck, and got in. It did a sharp U-turn that nearly ripped apart the bumper of another car, tires squealing away.
When I returned to the apartment, there was a small stack of boxes in the living room. Micah stood in the kitchen, his hands braced on the counter, head hanging low.
“Sorry you had to see that,” he said, not looking up. “She’s always been a force of nature, but now she just blows through and leaves destruction behind.”
“I get it.” I looked at the stack of boxes, knowing it was filled with whatever was left of Ada’s things. “She’s not the first to do it and unfortunately won’t be the last. You’re not alone.”
Micah nodded, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. He drank it until it was finished and put it in the sink. When he turned around, he smiled weakly and said, “I know this is shit timing, but my parents invited me to the dinner they’re hosting at their place, and I was hoping maybe you would go with me.”
I froze, not sure what to say. I had no desire to get in the middle of his family drama. I’d seen enough to last me a lifetime. But I absolutely wanted to be there for him no matter what he was facing, so I made myself relax. “Sure. Just tell me when.”
MICAH
Growing up, I believed our house was a magical castle with impenetrable walls where Ada and I could be whatever we wanted to be. As we grew up, our paths diverged, but the connective tissue between us remained. Standing outside that same house, I didn’t see a citadel. I saw a place trying to hold strong through the cracked remains of the battles it had held.
As much as it pained my parents, I avoided coming here where those wonderful memories of Ada permeated the air. It was why I’d purposefully showed up a little later than the start time: so we didn’t have to stand around and engage in awkward conversation. There would be enough of that already.
I rolled my shoulders in preparation. All I had to do was go in, eat some food, make nice with some people, and leave.
“Hey,” Nik said, resting his hand at the base of my spine. “I won’t be upset if you don’t want me to meet the parents.”
My stomach sank. I didn’t want Nik to meet my parents, but not in the way he was thinking. He’d already seen Ada in one of her worse rampages yet, and now I was leading him into a bunch of shit that he didn’t deserve to be around.
“That’s not it. They’re gonna love you. It’s me I’m worried about. Ada’s always a point of contention.”
Nik hummed in understanding, running his hand up and down my spine. “Well, I’m not gonna bounce if things throw down, so you don’t have to be worried about that.”
I kicked my heel into the sidewalk. “I’m not going to make a scene, it’s just—there’re a lot of people here who knew her from before.” I shook my hands to stave off the prickle in my fingertips. “All right, let’s go.”
The backyard dazzled with lights and tiki torches, tables of food spread out on the deck. My parents had always thrown parties when the weather was warm enough, surrounded by old friends and colleagues. I’d always stood out against them like a sore thumb, not interested in talking about futures in corporate worlds or retirement funds.
Ada used to find an excuse to come in and pull me away when the conversations turned to those topics. Now I had to figure out how to avoid them on my own.
I searched the crowd for my parents. Mom spotted us first and started walking toward us, her summer dress flowy around her knees. She was holding a glass of red wine, her usual go-to for gatherings like this. On the outside she looked ethereal, but I knew the turmoil that lived underneath. It always showed in her eyes.
“Ah, you did decide to come,” Mom said, lifting an arm for a hug. She rubbed her hand along my neck in the way that only she did, and I melted into her embrace. It’d been too long since we hugged each other, and I took advantage of it, pretending for one moment things were normal.
“Thank you,” she whispered in my ear before pulling away.
I swallowed past the tightness in my throat and forced a smile on my too tight lips. “No problem.”
Mom looked to Nik, and I said, “Mom, this is Nik.”
“Hello, Nik,” Mom said, extending a hand and continuing the introductions. She was assessing him, more curiously than judgmentally. After a polite exchange, she pointed to the deck. “Y’all go ahead and eat. There’s plenty of food. There’s sangria on the other table if you’d like to give it a try. I’m going to tell your dad you’re here, so please come and say hi.”
