Sunrays among shadows, p.31
Sunrays Among Shadows, page 31
I had to remind myself to breathe. “I don’t know,” I whispered.
“He crosses us so easily and stands up to us, and yet … How deeply—how long has she been polluting his mind to make him think this way—to make him submit so easily to her? He almost gave up!”
“I don’t know,” I said again, my throat tightening around the words.
“This—there’s no way this is the first time. I-I never imagined I’d find a better reason to overthrow her than I already had. I knew what great violence she was capable of, but …” He hid his eyes behind a hand. “Now I can’t help wondering if the atrocities Miss Agrata wouldn’t speak of were related to what happened to Jasper—if she saw something else that bitch did to him, maybe even something worse.”
Even I was unaware of Noah’s true motivation behind our rebellion. I, myself, had reasons I wouldn’t disclose, so I never asked. I just assumed his reasons were like mine—something so awful that he couldn’t bring himself to say it aloud. I only knew that I supported his objective, and I agreed with him now. This could only add fuel to flames already kindled. And this new ally, Rune, was the same—reluctant to reveal what she’d witnessed. Perhaps that was why Noah believed we could trust her.
“You did see,” I said softly. “You noticed something happening, but Jasper refused any help. He hid it so well, and even then, you guessed.”
“Sure, but a guess is just a guess. I lost some sleep over the thought maybe, but I never imagined that—that I could possibly be right. They were just suspicions, that’s all. I thought that’s all they were. No mother would do that to her child, right?”
I didn’t answer. I saw a soft shimmer in the air as Haven appeared noiselessly beside him. The ethereal woman placed the shadow of her hand on my brother’s shoulder, and as if he could feel her presence there, he laid his own hand on top of—or rather, through—hers. He shut his eyes for a few slow breaths, and when he reopened them, he turned to me with such a defeated expression that I nearly gasped at the sight of it. I nearly cried.
But he wouldn’t speak if he had to console me. I blinked back my tears and let him continue.
“I need to know that we haven’t lost him to her. I need to know that he’ll heal from this—that the memories of what she’s done won’t follow him forever.” Noah stared at me, wide-eyed and pleading, gripping his own shoulder as though squeezing Haven’s hand. “I—I can’t stop thinking about how many times that kid must’ve cried himself to sleep all alone in that fucking room …”
I had to swallow the lump in my throat to respond. “I’m sorry,” I breathed. “I don’t know. I wish I did.”
I really wish I did.
He faced forward again, his throat contracting with a thick swallow. His jaw clenched and unclenched. “Seth, we must stop her. I don’t know how else to help him, and when the time comes—” His voice lowered until it was barely audible. “—I’ll kill her myself.”
“My lord,” Haven whispered, “Please don’t say such things.”
He swung his head toward her. “Why not? After what she’s done to—” but he stopped himself and looked away from the ghost.
“I don’t know what to do, Noah,” I said. “For us or Jasper. I don’t know how we’re gonna end this. I think we may be in over our heads.”
Noah’s voice was surprisingly composed. “Stick to the plan. Contact our ally on Obscrys. We’ll get an update on our army, and after that, we’ll make our move.”
Cautiously, I nodded.
“In the meantime, I’ll do my best to sabotage Lenore’s army from the inside out.” He pulled the coiled parchment with his orders from his waistcoat pocket and waved it about. Then, wiping his eyes, he hoisted himself to his feet and offered a hand to me. “You could come with me to the coast beyond Vrodon. Then, we could go to Padryg together.” He pulled me to my feet. “It’d be a longer journey than going directly to the Gate, but it’d be safer. Obscrys is a dangerous place to be a human these days, especially on your own.”
Slyly, I peeked up at him. “Well, I guess it’s a good thing I won’t be human for very much longer.”
Noah quieted, his eyes widening and his brow lowering. He opened his mouth, wrestling with the words he couldn’t seem to say. I’d caught him off guard.
“What I mean to say,” I began, “is thank you for your kind offer, but unfortunately, I must decline it. I’ve been given an order directly from the queen herself, after all.” I lifted my scroll and poked his chest with it. “I wouldn’t dare disobey … that, and I’ve a date with a strigoi woman that I really shouldn’t miss.” I smirked, but my brother didn’t acknowledge my attempted humour.
“Is it that time already?”
I glanced down the corridor, observing the stripes of shadow on the floor between the windows. “It’s been a long time coming. Eventually, all the things I’ve seen must come to pass. If anything, I’d say it’s rather good timing.”
“You’re prepared then?”
“To become a monster?” I shrugged. “As prepared as I can be, I suppose. I am rather keen to meet this woman, though. It seems she has quite a role to play yet …”
I watched Noah’s chest rise and fall with a heavy breath. “All right. Send word when it’s all over. I’ll meet you in Erisilon at Quade’s. We’ll regroup and discuss our next step then.”
“Deal.”
He stared at me for a moment, then huffing, said, “C’mere.”
I opened my arms and embraced him, and when we broke apart, he held me at arm’s length.
“I’ll see you soon then.”
I nodded, unable to match the gaiety he’d tried to kindle with that smiling embrace.
Noticing, he slapped my arm. “C’mon now, you’ll always be my brother and my confidante.” Reaching behind my neck, he knocked our foreheads together. “Always. No matter what changes. Remember that, Seth.”
Again, I nodded, this time managing a quiet smile to go with it.
Noah released me, satisfied. “By the way, have you ever come across a being called Ixchel?”
“Ixchel? I—” I paused. “Yes, I know the name. Carys mentioned it to me before.”
“What did she say?”
“That I should trust her should we ever meet.”
Thoughtfully, Noah nodded. “Good.”
“You’ve met her?”
“Recently, yes. Her and her companion. I believed them trustworthy, too.”
I frowned, daunted by the idea of yet another possible ally. Large numbers were harder to conceal, harder to keep silent. Then again, no great wars were ever won alone.
I asked, “What did she say?”
For a moment, my brother fell silent, scratching his chin. “She told me we needed to keep Jasper close. Not informed … but close.”
I quirked a brow, not entirely understanding. I wasn’t sure what to say or what questions to ask because I wasn’t certain Noah had any answers to provide. Finally, I settled with: “You are a curious man with a curious number of friends.”
“Increase thy friends to decrease thine enemies.” He winked. “I’ll send someone to collect Jasper, make sure he’s safe. And don’t worry; no matter how many new friends I make, no one could ever take your place.”
Snorting, I muttered, “I wasn’t worried.”
“Good. You shouldn’t be. Who else would bother listening to me plot and cry in an empty corridor? I need you.”
“Who indeed?” Sighing, I added, “I couldn’t get rid of you if I tried, could I?” just to wedge a little more distance between us and the dark clouds that had begun to grow around us—this storm we were intent on stirring.
But that was the problem, wasn’t it? No matter how carefully—how desperately—you tried to control a storm’s conditions, it would always be unpredictable. We simply avoided thinking about what devastation one little variance could cause—how untamable a force we may be releasing upon our worlds.
We simply pretended we didn’t realise what fools we were, hiding our burgeoning terror with humour that could never quite cut through the awkwardness.
And exactly as I knew he would, Noah laughed. “That’s the spirit!” If I hadn’t known him my entire life, I would’ve believed it genuine. He started down the hall, Haven’s phantomlike figure following closely behind him. Then, pausing, he twisted his body to look at me. “This isn’t a suicide mission I’m going on, right?”
I felt a knot in my stomach again, slowly shaking my head.
His awkward smile broadened as he swung around again and exclaimed, “Excellent! I’m still invincible!”
After Noah had already begun his silly, theatrical walk down the hall, my eyes met Haven’s, but the exchange lasted only a second before she vanished, fading into stone and shadow.
Exhaling, I leaned against the wall, dropped my head back, and closed my eyes. “See you soon, Brother …”
Noah
I tossed my waistcoat on the floor as I walked in, rolling up my sleeves. I leaned over the basin, closed my eyes, and splashed my cheeks with water. Then, I sank down farther and submerged my face, wondering, for a tired moment, what it might be like to open my mouth and inhale then, but I ignored the impulse. When I couldn’t hold my breath anymore, I jerked my face up out of the water, gasping and sputtering.
Slowly, I opened my eyes again, watching the droplets fall from my nose and chin back into the bowl, every tiny splash distorting my reflected image. I waited until the water settled and the excess had left my face before I stood upright again.
“You shouldn’t sneak up on people, y’know,” I said without looking behind me. I grabbed a rag and smothered my face with it.
Quade answered from the chaise beside the fireplace. “I’d hardly call it sneaking; you saw me the moment you walked in.” Then he paused, his eyes drifting to the drapery on the wall above the basin. He stared at it pointedly for a moment, frowned, and added, “I see you still keep all the mirrors covered in here.”
“Did you need something?” I turned toward him, drying my neck. “I thought you’d be with Seth.”
He gripped the armrest, tapping a finger on it a few times. “I’ve something to show you,” he said, ignoring my little quip.
My movements slowed as I set the towel down, taking the time to run a hand through my hair before answering. “And what’s that?” I asked, though I already knew.
He uncrossed his legs, leaning forward like he might stand, though he didn’t. He steepled his hands, perhaps contemplating how he wanted to say it. “How exactly does it work?”
I arched a brow in inquiry.
“Your ability,” he clarified and asked again, “How does it work?”
I licked my lips, hesitant. “Just picture it in your mind, and I’ll be able to draw out the memory when I touch you.”
“Memory,” he said, scoffing, though his voice shrank. “Come now, you know there isn’t just one, Noah …”
“How many are there?” I feared the answer.
He wrung his hands, clearly anxious. I knew it must’ve taken some careful thought to approach me like this, but I could see the determination in his eyes. Gently, he said, “I want you to see how many times I treated him without telling you over the last—” He swallowed. “—the last ten years.”
“Ten years?”
Quade looked down.
“You’re not—please tell me you’re not serious.”
“He was a child the first time I treated a bruise on his cheek, back when I was an apprentice here at the castle. He told me he got into a tousle with one of his friends … I’ve never seen the act; I’ve only ever been a witness to the aftermath, though the injuries weren’t usually so obvious.” He rubbed the back of his neck. “He always smiled, laughed it off, gave me some vaguely believable excuse, and I accepted it.”
I opened my mouth to shout because I felt a horrible flood of anger crash through me, but I resisted. Quade was not at fault for this. Gritting my teeth, I said, “He is cunning, is he not?” because my little brother smiled at me while lying, too.
“I wish he wasn’t her child. I wish none of you were …”
I stepped closer with the desire to console him, but I didn’t dare touch him yet. I hovered just out of reach, trying to work out what to say, but he spoke again before I had the chance.
“Do you understand what I’m trying to tell you, Noah?”
Yes, I know. Of course, I know.
“I wish I didn’t,” I whispered.
“I’m in.”
I inhaled sharply, setting my jaw. “You shouldn’t be.”
“I’m not the one who needs protection.”
“You will if you get involved in this.”
“I’m already involved. How long have we been friends, Noah? Do you think I wasn’t involved then when you first presented the idea of an uprising?” He shook his head. “Why tell me at all if you didn’t want—”
“We’ll need you after to—”
He threw his head back with a clipped laugh. “For what? To clean up the mess? To drag the bodies of the only family I’ve got off the battlefield?”
I bit my lip, turning away.
“Do you think this shit doesn’t keep me up at night?”
“Quade, listen …”
He pinched the bridge of his nose, clearing the knot from his throat. “Look, we both know.”
I felt as if a hand had been thrust upward into my gut. “What?”
“Seth may think his mask is emotionless. He may think he’s good at hiding things from us, but he isn’t. He’s let on what he’s seen. We both know that—”
I slammed my fist down on the table beside me, the cap on my anger finally bursting, my voice rising to a shout as water sloshed out of the basin. “What? What do we fucking know?” Tears stung my eyes because I knew the answer. I knew what he would say; I just didn’t want to hear it aloud.
How dare he bring that up now? How could he—?
He didn’t heed the warning in my ire. A tremor shook his jaw, his voice low but direct. “We both know you’re not gonna survive this battle …”
I pressed a fist against my mouth, slumping back against the wall.
“I can’t keep doing this, Noah … I can’t just be the one who cleans up at the end. I can’t just sit back and wait. If there’s anything I can do, I want to help you.”
When I didn’t respond, he bowed his head. “I regret never saying anything about Gabriel. I-I’m not blameless. I saw the trend over the years; it only ever escalated, and I did nothing. I patched him up and let him give me his fake little laughs and lies.” He paused to take a slow, calming breath, but I could still hear the small break in his voice. “Forgive me. I thought—when Haven came to get me the other night, I thought we’d be losing him, too, and I couldn’t live with myself if my lack of action—”
“Don’t!” I snapped before he could finish. “Please don’t … Lenore is to blame. She’s the only one to blame.”
Quade’s mouth moved around silent words until, at last, he hung his head and said, “You know that’s not true. Do you not feel guilty, too?”
I didn’t answer because to deny it would be wrong, and I knew he saw that on my face.
“I can’t let myself sit idly by again.”
“Gabriel didn’t die, Quade.”
“But you will!” he cried. “If I didn’t do something to try to stop it, I—”
“It won’t change …”
“What?”
I wiped my eyes, raising my volume. “Nothing Seth sees ever changes.”
“You believe that, and you still want to move forward?”
I froze. Slowly, I closed my mouth, turning my body so I faced him head-on. He needed to see how truly firm my resolve was. “Yes.”
Suddenly, Quade slid forward out of his seat, his knees hitting the floor. “What do we have to lose by trying then?” His lower lip trembled as he sat back on his heels. “You three,” he whispered. “You’re all I have. And there is nowhere in these worlds that I would not follow you.”
I exhaled shakily, understanding but unsure how to respond. There were no words. I could only meet him with action.
“You have always been on our side, haven’t you?” Before I could think to hesitate, I crossed the room and held my hand out to him. “I warn you, we’re a selfish lot.”
“You think I don’t already know that?” His lip curved up in just the hint of a smile as he stared at my extended hand. “So, does that make us the good guys or the bad guys?”
I smirked. “Everyone’s a villain to someone, so who knows?” His eyes flicked up to mine. “But what’s one more ghost to either of us?”
“I just have to picture them, right? The memories.”
I nodded. He took my hand and closed his eyes.
Part Thirteen
A MOTHER’S LOVE
Jasper
A warm breeze pressed through me, though the night air was cool—a subtle indication before Animaero’s voice sighed in my head.
Why do you flee, child?
I inhaled slowly. “Flee … That is what I’m doing, isn’t it? Fleeing.”
Why do you do this?
I coughed, wrestling with the ache in my throat. My voice was still scratchy, though I didn’t really need to produce any sound for the Spirits to hear me. It was simply a habit to speak aloud.
“What d’you want, Aery? You’ve barely spoken to me in months.”
You’ve barely spoken to us, she countered.
“Why’re you here now then?”
Is our timing inappropriate? Why are you here?
I swallowed. Winced. “She won’t come here.”
She fears this place, and so it remains free of her presence.
Staring out into the growing dark, I nodded, though the pain in my neck intensified with even that slight movement. The wound hadn’t fully closed again since I’d reopened it.
“That means it’s safe,” I muttered through clenched teeth.
Yes.
“But is anywhere really safe for me, Aery?”
