Brad, p.20
Brad, page 20
The flood of joy in his heart overwhelmed him. He reached for her hand and watched her start to recoil at the sudden movement, then intentionally place her hand in his. “I think once you acknowledge to God that you’re seeking, He’ll find a way to let you hear Him.” Her fingers felt cool in his hand and he covered them with his other hand, wanting to give her some warmth. “How can I help you?”
Unexpectedly, her eyes filled with tears. “I was hoping Auntie Rose could help me. I remember her always being ready with words of wisdom when we needed it, and my mom’s journals were filled with her and her insights.”
Brad looked at his watch and at the sky. “I could call her, ask her to come home.”
“No. It’s okay.” She pulled her hand out of his and pushed her fingers against her eyes as if to try to stem a coming flood. “It’s waited this long.” Releasing a long breath, she stretched her legs in front of her and crossed them at the ankles. “It’s been a long couple of weeks.”
In the silence that followed, Brad searched for the right thing to say or do. He came up with, “Do you want to go for a swim?”
“Not particularly.” Leaning her head back against the railing, she closed her eyes. “Remember that big hammock that all four of us tried to get into and ended up wrapped up in and your mom had to cut us out?”
They’d been about six. He remembered his mom didn’t get mad because they got stuck. She got mad because she’d specifically told them they couldn’t get into the hammock. He chuckled. “So many memories, so many punishments.”
“We were a bit of a handful. I can’t imagine how she did it.”
His answer came out without even thinking about it. “With love. She loved us. Still does.”
“Love conquers all,” she murmured.
Love conquers all. Maybe it would conquer her heart and lead her back to God. “And God is love,” he remarked, quoting first John.
Valerie straightened her spine and she suddenly had to confirm her suspicion. “Brad, is the reason you left my house the night of the restaurant opening because I told you I don’t believe in God anymore?”
Her directness surprised him, and he answered honestly. “Yes. I don’t have the freedom to pursue a relationship with a woman who doesn’t have the same heart for God that I do. The Bible warns against it, and common sense tells me it would weaken my faith rather than increase hers.”
She opened her eyes and stared at him, her eyes serious, hard, searching. “My seeking has nothing to do with you. Nothing at all.”
He raised an eyebrow. “I didn’t assume it did. I’m sure it has everything to do with being back home and getting thrown back into the mix of faithful people. You can’t hide anymore.”
“You think I’ve been hiding?”
Standing, he paced across the gazebo and looked up, spying the very edge of the box they had put up there almost fifteen years ago. He only noticed it because he knew it was there. “I think you were hurt and took it out on everyone. Acting out of that pain put you in a situation that ended up physically harmful, and that fed your hurt. The fact, though, is that you’re safe here, Valerie. You’re physically safe, you’re emotionally safe, and you’re spiritually safe. No one is going to hurt you here.”
She sat quietly for several moments, then said, “I never imagined I’d be hurt anywhere. I was wrong, though, wasn’t I? I became a victim. I turned into a victim. Do you know what that does to someone?”
“I only know what I’ve seen in you.” He crossed to her again and sat back down. “I don’t think you know how much it affects me to see the changes in you that are a result of your relationship with Tyrone. It makes me want to go let him feel my wrath. Kind of less than charitable, but there it is. I’ve talked to my dad about it and he’s given me some good solid wisdom that I need to be willing to listen to.”
“If I remember my Bible correctly, I don’t think wrath is left out of it.” She chuckled and sat up. “I very, very much want to uncover my way back to God. Can you help me?”
Brad cleared his throat as emotion tried to close it off. He held a hand out, palm up, and said, “Will you pray with me?”
Sitting next to Brad, Valerie listened to Danny Brown as he talked about Jesus feeding the multitudes. “We say He fed 5,000 like that’s this massive number and should be amazing to us. But, church, we refer to it wrong and have forever. Jesus didn’t only feed 5,000 that day. Read the words again. He fed 5,000 men plus women and children.” He paused for several breaths, then said, “We’re talking ten, fifteen thousand, church. Think about it. He did it without effort. He did it in front of tens of thousands of hungry people. What can He do for you? What part of you needs to be fed? Don’t fool yourself into thinking He can’t because He did. And He will. He will because He loves you and He wants you fed.”
She let his words sink in through the rest of the service and through the lunch with the Dixons that followed. Buddy sat next to her at a table next to the pool and listened to her work through what she felt like inside after listening to the sermon.
“Tyrone broke me,” she admitted. “I’m afraid a lot, which isn’t reasonable because he’s not here. He’s in prison, and no one else will ever hurt me. But I am. I was reading my mom’s journals that Auntie Rose gave me, and she went through something that made her afraid, too. Can you tell me about it?”
Buddy swallowed hard and tears filled his eyes. “She was attacked and sexually assaulted by a football player after a game in high school. The police didn’t believe her. The school didn’t believe her. There wasn’t enough evidence for a guilty verdict. White boy from a rich family, black girl from a middle-class family. And, he tormented her as often as he could.”
Tears fell from Valerie’s eyes. “How horrible.”
“One of the reasons she loved your dad so much was because he never once made her feel like less of a person because that happened to her.” He leaned forward. “She was afraid at night. She’d push her chair in front of her bedroom door. One time she admitted that it didn’t make sense because he never broke into her room and attacked her there. I think what happened to her is what happened to you. You understand that something terrible could happen, and there’s not a lot you can do to stop it because someone might be bigger and stronger than you. That would damage a psyche.”
He sat back and picked up his glass of tea. A ring of condensation remained on the table. “Once she and your dad were married, the fear gradually faded. One day, she realized she hadn’t had a panic attack in weeks. At one point, it was all just a bad memory.”
Valerie would love to experience a day without a panic attack. Did she have any hope for that? Or did Tyrone break her too permanently and completely? She thought about it as conversation happened around her, searching herself inside, examining her mind and heart. Auntie Rose’s voice pulled her out of her own head.
“Buddy, the boys are going to the lake to finish prepping for tomorrow if you want to help,” Rosaline said as she stood and gathered lunch plates. “I’m going to start cooking.”
“I’ll stay and help you cook, Mama,” Brad said. “We have a really great handle on the lake for tomorrow.”
Phillip drained his glass and stood. “Did you take the fishing poles and tackle out there?”
“Yes, sir. Put some worms in the mini-fridge, too. Ready for the kids.”
“Perfect.” He pulled his keys out of his pocket and gave Rosaline a gentle kiss. “See you tonight.”
Everyone but Brad, Valerie, and Rosaline left. Valerie carried lunch dishes into the kitchen and loaded the dishwasher while Brad started peeling and chopping onions. Once she cleaned the counters and put soap in the dishwasher, she turned to Rosaline. “What can I do?”
“Deviled eggs. They’re in the fridge,” she said, raising her voice over the sound of the food processor she currently used to shred cabbage .
Valerie opened the refrigerator door and saw the large bowl of eggs. “These are already boiled?”
“Yes.”
Rosaline used a remote control to put music on, and the three of them worked without speaking for several minutes, listening to the music. Valerie steadily peeled and rinsed eggs. She counted about three dozen. Once she had them peeled, she cut them in half and scooped out the yolks.
Soon she filled containers with eggs filled with a relish and mayonnaise filling and sealed the containers, then stacked them and put them in the fridge. For ease of transport, they would put the filling into the egg white shells at the lake tomorrow.
“What next?”
Rosaline put cabbage and carrots in a huge stainless steel bowl and used both hands to stir the coleslaw dressing into them. “Jon made a sauce last night and I put some beef short ribs in the fridge to thaw. Go ahead and get them marinating in the sauce.”
While Valerie transferred ribs from one container to another, she thought about what Buddy told her. Of course, she’d inferred what happened to her mom from reading her journal, but she hadn’t thought about how she didn’t write about the fear a whole lot after her father came into the picture. It interested her how the relationship would have made the fear fade away.
“How many people are you expecting tomorrow?”
“Maybe a hundred. Not positive. We have ribs, hamburgers, and hot dogs, and I have friends bringing more salads. However many come, we’re going to have too much food.”
Valerie laughed. “We always did.”
Brad bagged the onions he’d sliced for hamburgers and gave Rosaline three separate bowls of chopped onions. “Next?”
“Wash and prep the lettuce for hamburgers, then slice tomatoes and prepare them for transport.”
After Valerie finished putting the ribs in the marinade, she helped Brad slice tomatoes. Soon, they finished all the food prep and Rosaline released them from the kitchen. “Go enjoy the afternoon. We’ve done all I want to do.”
Brad looked at Valerie. “I really have some work I need to get done, but I can probably spare another hour. Do you want to swim?”
She’d planned on working that afternoon, too, but the thought of spending an hour in the sunshine appealed to her on a massive scale. “I packed my suit in case I had a chance. Let me go get it from my car and I’ll meet you out there.” Standing in the kitchen for so long made her hip ache, and swimming would loosen her muscles without any impact. She grabbed her bag out of her car and used the guest bathroom to change out of the dress she’d worn to church. Barefoot, she grabbed a towel from the closet by the back door and walked out to the pool. They had retracted the glass walls and roof weeks ago when the weather had warmed. She found Brad already out there, kicking off a pair of flip-flops.
“Is the water warm?”
“I turned the heater off a couple weeks ago. So, it’s as warm as the weather’s been.” He walked over to the deep end and winked at her. “Afraid to just jump in and give it a test?”
He executed a perfect dive and smoothly entered the water, emerging several yards closer to her. He shook his head to get the water out of his eyes and looked up at her. “It’s nice. Come on in.”
She didn’t fully believe him, but didn’t want him to call her a chicken, either. So, she walked over to the same spot he’d dived from and jumped into the water. She fully anticipated the shock of cold and felt pleasantly surprised as tepid water enveloped her.
Instead of swimming to Brad, she paddled, kicking her legs out against the force of the water, letting the resistance work her muscles. Brad swam up to her and faced her. “Would the hot tub feel better?”
“No. This feels good. I’m glad you suggested it.” She lay her head back and closed her eyes, letting the hot sun soak into her skin. “Tomorrow is going to be fun. It’s been too long since I was at a Dixon party.”
“It has been. What was the last? Graduation?”
“Yeah. High school. I didn’t come for your college graduation.” She lifted her head and smiled. “We had it here, remember? The big pool party.”
“I remember.” His eyes grew serious. “I remember asking you to reconsider college and go to Auburn with us.”
“It was too late then.” She kicked backward and stretched out her body, floating on top of the water. She had to close her eyes against the glare of the sun. “This feels incredible.” Slowly, she stroked her arms and gently kicked her legs just enough to barely move but stay afloat. When she reached the edge of the pool, she lazily turned around and went in the opposite direction. After three laps, she pulled herself out of the water and picked up her towel, wrapping it around her shoulders. She sat in a chair under an umbrella and watched Brad swim laps. Eventually, he got out and sat next to her.
“You know what?”
“What?” he asked.
“I haven’t been fishing since the last time I went fishing with you and, hmm, was it Ken?”
“I don’t remember.” He gestured with his hand in the general direction of the east. “I stocked up on bait and poles for tomorrow. You should be able to fish.”
Brad fully relaxed while fishing. At least, that’s what used to happen. She assumed he still did. With a smile, she said, “I’ll like that. But I’d like to go fishing with you again. Not at a party. Not with your brothers. Just you and me. Do you want to do that?”
With amusement in his eyes, he asked, “Like a date?”
Chuckling, she said, “Yes, Brad, like a date-date. A romantic fishing date, even.”
“I’d like that very much. Let me look at my schedule and I’ll tell you when I’m free to go.” He picked his watch up off the table and looked at it. “In the meantime, I need to get to work. I took Friday and yesterday off. I have a lot of catching up to do.”
“I need to go, too. Thanks for spending this hour with me.” She stood and wrapped the towel around her waist. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Let your mom know if she needs anything, to call.”
Brad clicked “send” on the email, then sat back and rubbed his eyes. He didn’t resent working until eleven Sunday night, but he was happy that he didn’t have to work tomorrow. He would have a chance to relax, knowing he’d caught up, and just enjoy his guests. Of course, most of his guests worked for him or with him, so work would come up. Just, hopefully, not too much.
He picked up his dinner plate and cup and took them downstairs. After washing them and stacking them in the dish drainer, he turned off lights and walked through the downstairs rooms, making sure all was well in the Dixon household.
When he went into his dad’s study, he was surprised to find Jon on the leather couch, legs crossed on the table in front of him, arms crossed over his chest. He had his eyes closed. Brad bent and touched his shoulder. “Hey, bro,” he said.
Jon immediately jerked awake and grabbed Brad’s hand. For a brief moment, he looked scared, confused, and startled. Then he relaxed and smiled. “Hey.”
Brad could smell an overpowering odor of beer. “What are you doing in here?”
“Oh, uh, I didn’t feel like going up the stairs.” He pushed himself to his feet and slightly wobbled. “I’m cool, though. Just had to close my eyes for a second.”
“Let me help.”
Jon pushed away and held his hands up. “I said I’m cool, Bradford. Back off, br—bro.” He muffled a belch, then walked out of the room in a relatively straight line. Brad sighed before sitting on the couch and rubbing his face. What made Jon hurt so much? What had him doing this to himself?
And how could he help him?
He’d always been the one to want to fix everything for everyone. But if he didn’t know what hurt Jon, he couldn’t do anything about it. Assuming he could do something about it.
He felt like he knew nothing about his brother anymore. He took every job he could away from Atlanta and spent months away from home. Clearly, he felt the need to escape. This last trip to Egypt, though, something had changed him. He’d come back darker, defiant, unbending. And now drinking to excess.
Feeling a bit helpless, Brad stood and walked out of the room, stopping at the front door to make sure Jon had locked it. And, if he was honest with himself, to make sure Jon hadn’t driven home. Not seeing the truck in the driveway gave him a bit of relief.
Back upstairs, he tapped on Ken’s door and opened it. Ken rarely stayed here anymore. In between houses, he’d use his old room until the newest house had running water and a good roof. He found Ken sitting at his desk, a drafting program open on his laptop. He looked up as Brad opened the door. “Hey.”
“Little late, bro. Everything okay?”
Brad rubbed the back of his neck. “I just found Jon passed out in dad’s study.”
“Yeah. I heard him come in about two hours ago.”
“Something’s eating at him. Do you know what’s going on?”
Ken shook his head. “No, I do not. I don’t pry like you, though.”
“Pry?” Brad laughed. “Is that what it’s called?”
“That’s what it becomes at some point.” He shut the laptop and pushed away from his desk. “Do we need to arrange an intervention, or do you think we need to just love him?”
“I feel like I’m hearing sarcasm.”
“You always had a good ear. Trust your feelings. I swear, sometimes you remind me of the annoying little sister I never had and never wanted.” Ken walked closer and slipped his hands into his jeans pockets. “Jon’s just as intelligent as you are, probably more so, and was raised in exactly the same environment. Leave him be. He’ll work out whatever’s on his heart. He just came home from Egypt. There’s no telling the experiences he had there. He has to process whatever this is.”
“And if he gets hurt in the process of me leaving him be?”
Ken chuckled. “Then you have my permission to wag your finger in my face and tell me you told me so before you tattle-tale to Mom and Dad.” He leaned his shoulder against the wall. “Like any prying little sister.”
Properly chastised, Brad backed out of the room. “Good talk,” he said, trying not to laugh at himself while still feeling a touch of concern for his brother. “See you in the morning.”
