How to make friends and.., p.9
How to Make Friends and Then Kill Them, page 9
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
When the laughter dies down. …
They let out a simultaneous, contented sigh.
ADA & SAM
(A simultaneous sigh.)
Huuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhh. …
Beat. Then—
ADA
(Smiling at her sister.)
I’m glad it’s not weird anymore.
SAM
(Smiling at her sister.)
Me too.
They look at each other; smile.
They pull their sleeves back down over their wounds.
A beat. Then—
ADA
(Smiling.)
Go tell her.
Beat.
SAM
(Confused.)
… what …?
ADA
(Sweetly.)
Tell her to leave. You don’t need her anymore. You have me, now.
SAM
But—
ADA
(Suddenly venomous.)
But what?!
Beat. SAM’s eyes fill with tears.
SAM
I love her, Ada …!
ADA
(Snorts.)
You don’t love her, Sam! She’s Dorrie, Sam! She’s just a big dummy—a big old fool …! Who needs Dorrie?! When you have me. You HAVE ME.
(Beat.)
But only if she’s gone.
SAM’s chin trembles. She looks at ADA with tear-filled eyes.
SAM
(With utter desperation.)
Ada … please …!
ADA looks at SAM, twirls a strand of SAM’s hair around her finger.
A beat. Then—
Slowly, very slowly, ADA leans in and kisses SAM, very softly, on the lips.
A beat.
ADA pulls back.
She stays on SAM’s lap. SAM looks at her, enraptured. …
A beat. Then—
SAM’s eyes fix with a steely resolve.
SAM
Dorrie …!
ADA smiles, and gets off SAM’s lap.
DORRIE
(OS.)
Coming, Sammy …!
A beat. Then—
DORRIE comes running in, carrying SAM’s sketchbook.
ADA sits in a chair at the kitchen table and watches the interaction.
DORRIE
I found your sketchbook, Sam! I wiped all the dust off, and it’s—good as …
(Notices the somber air in the room.)
… new. …
SAM
(Hoarsely.)
Come here, Dorrie. …
Beat. DORRIE comes over to SAM.
DORRIE
What’s wrong, Sam …?
SAM points toward ADA.
SAM
(Pointing.)
Look what you did to her, Dorrie. Look what you did.
DORRIE
I didn’t … do anything …! Sam. …
SAM
(Hoarsely.)
I need you to leave. I don’t need you anymore. I have Ada, now.
DORRIE
But—
SAM
But what?!
DORRIE
You—love me, Sam …!
SAM rubs her eyes.
SAM
(Trying not to cry).
I don’t love you, Dorrie! You’re Dorrie, Dorrie! You’re just a big dummy—a big old fool …! Who needs Dorrie!? When I have Ada. I HAVE ADA.
(Beat; hoarsely.)
But only if you’re gone.
DORRIE
(Weeping hysterically.)
You can have us both, Sam …!
SAM shakes her head, darkly.
SAM
(Beginning to cry.)
I have to choose …!
DORRIE
Don’t—do this …! Sam!
DORRIE tries to hug SAM.
SAM
(Pushing DORRIE away.)
Go away, Dorrie!
DORRIE tries to hug SAM, again.
DORRIE
(Clawing at SAM.)
You need me, Sam …!
SAM
(Shoving DORRIE away.)
I don’t need you, Dorrie—I don’t! I don’t!
DORRIE
(Hysterical; uncomprehending.)
What are you doing …?! Dorrie will only love you!! Dorrie will only listen!!!
DORRIE frantically tries to hug SAM again. This time, SAM wraps her fingers around DORRIE’s neck and squeezes.
DORRIE gasps.
SAM squeezes.
DORRIE’s face gets very red.
A beat.
SAM’s fingers quiver. Her mouth hardens into a line.
A beat.
DORRIE’s face turns purple.
A beat.
DORRIE’s eyes roll into the back of her head.
A beat. Then—
SAM lets go.
DORRIE falls to the floor.
A beat.
She lies there. She lies there. Not moving. Not breathing. Her face turns white.
She is dead.
SAM looks at DORRIE’s dead body; she pants; she shakes.
ADA looks on; smiles a little smile. Then—she gets up and walks over to the shelves of alcohol bottles. She examines the blue bottle of gin. She gets on her tiptoes and takes the blue bottle off the shelf. She turns it around in her hands, looks at it.
A beat. Then—
SAM
(Eyes glassy; with the voice of a little girl.)
I did it, Ada. …
ADA
Good girl, Sam.
ADA unscrews the cap of the blue bottle, and … begins to pour the bottle down the kitchen sink.
SAM turns, and looks.
SAM
(Re: the bottles.)
What are you—
ADA
(Cutting her off.)
It’s better this way.
ADA continues to pour. SAM watches.
A beat. Then—
SAM
Can I draw you for a second?
ADA watches the last of the gin go down the drain.
ADA
Mm-hmmmmmmm!
SAM
Will you hand me my sketchbook? I’d do it myself, but I’m paralyzed from the waist down.
They laugh.
ADA & SAM
Hahahahaha!
ADA bends down near DORRIE’s dead body and picks up SAM’s sketchbook.
ADA
(Handing the sketchbook to SAM.)
Here ya go!
SAM
(Taking the sketchbook.)
Thanks! Do you wanna put on some music?
ADA
Yuppers!
ADA steps over DORRIE’s dead body to get to the radio. Turns it on. Flips through the stations.
As she does so, SAM reaches into a cupboard and finds a bottle of whiskey. She unscrews the cap. She wheels over to the refrigerator, opens it. Takes out a glass bottle of milk.
ADA turns the radio to a station that is playing Randy Newman’s “You’ve Got a Friend in Me.”
ADA
(Chuckling to herself.)
Oh god …! This song. … Remember this song …? Mmmm. …
She turns and sees that SAM is holding the bottle of milk in one hand… and the bottle of whiskey in the other.
A beat.
ADA
Oh.
SAM
(Chipperly.)
Could you grab us some glasses? From up there???
(Nods toward the kitchen cabinets.)
I’d do it myself, but I’m paralyzed from the waist down.
(She laughs.)
Hahahahaha!
A beat. ADA swallows.
SAM
You didn’t think that was funny …?
ADA
Sam. …
SAM
(Innocently.)
… what …??
ADA
(Almost trembling in fear.)
I—I c-can’t. …
SAM
Come on, Ada—we deserve to have fun, like everyone else …!
ADA bites her lip, holds back tears. Then—
She reaches up toward the kitchen cabinet, opens it, takes out two glasses.Tremblingly, she hands them to SAM.
SAM
Thanks! And do you mind…
SAM holds out the bottle of whiskey to ADA.
Eyes glassy and transfixed on the whiskey, ADA takes the bottle from SAM. SAM pops the top off the milk bottle, and pours some milk into each glass, filling each one halfway.
SAM
Mmmmm. …
ADA stares at the whiskey bottle in her hand.
SAM
Can you pour …?
Almost as if in a daze, ADA unscrews the top off the whiskey bottle, and pours some whiskey into each glass.
When she’s finished pouring …
SAM
(Handing a glass to ADA.)
Here ya go!
Eyes glassy and wide—and completely transfixed on the glass—ADA takes the glass from SAM.
SAM watches, rapt—a faint, faint smile creeping across her lips.
SAM
Cheers!
As if in a trance, ADA brings the glass over to the table. She places it down on the table. She sits in a chair, her eyes never leaving the glass.
SAM watches, rapt.
A beat. Then—
SAM begins to sketch ADA. She sings along to the radio as she sketches.
SAM
You’ve got a friend in me …
ADA looks at the glass.
SAM
You’ve got a friend in me …
ADA looks at the glass.
A beat.
She looks.
A beat.
Then—
She drinks.
She drinks. She nearly drains the whole glass.
SAM watches the whole thing. Sketches. Smiles. Sings.
SAM
You’ve got troubles, well I’ve got ’em too …
ADA fishes in her bag and finds a cigarette.
SAM
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you …
ADA lights the cigarette. She inhales. Her eyes fill with tears.
SAM
(Cheerfully.)
Can you open the cellar door? If you’re gonna smoke?
ADA takes a huge sip of whiskey. Then, glass in one hand, cigarette in the other, she rises and crosses to the cellar door. She opens it. She looks.
SAM continues to sketch ADA. She sings to herself as she sketches.
SAM
(Singing.)
We stick together and we see it through …
Oh, you’ve got a friend in me …
You’ve got a friend in me …
You’ve got a friend in me …!
ADA looks down at the staircase.
She drinks. She cries.
SAM sketches, looks up at ADA.
SAM
(With a smile.)
You’ve always been soooooo pretty, Ada. …
Randy Newman’s “You’ve Got a Friend in Me” swells, as lights fade.
Blackout.
END OF PLAY
ALSO BY HALLEY FEIFFER AND AVAILABLE FROM THE OVERLOOK PRESS
Ella is a precocious and fiercely competitive actress whose aims in life are making her famous playwright father David proud—and becoming famous herself. Over the course of a boozy, drug-fueled evening, Ella and David deliberate over whether to read the reviews of her off-Broadway debut … and things unravel from there.
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“Viciously funny and brutally effective. Feiffer takes a tough look at the forces that can bring us to our knees.”
—Adam Feldman, Time Out New York
$14.95 978-1-4683-1108-2
THE OVERLOOK PRESS • NEW YORK • WWW.OVERLOOKPRESS.COM
Halley Feiffer, How to Make Friends and Then Kill Them
