Sharing shane, p.27
Sharing Shane, page 27
“Oh, honey.” Lucy’s face filled with sympathy as she drew Veronica inside. “Let’s go find something cold to drink and you can tell me what happened.”
Ten minutes later, she sat in Lucy’s living room, a bottle of beer going warm on the table next to her, pouring her heart out. “And that’s when I left,” she finished.
“Wow. He really hit you with both barrels, didn’t he?”
Veronica nodded, blinking back tears. She’d gone past angry to devastated, and she knew if she gave in, she’d just start bawling. “It just felt like it came out of nowhere, you know? I thought I was doing something nice for him, for them, and somehow, I screwed it up.”
“I don’t think you screwed it up, but I can see how you feel that way.” Lucy rocked in the glider across from her, a bottle of water in her hand. “Tell me again why you brought them dinner?”
Veronica shrugged. “When I was talking to Wyatt, he said he didn’t want to make Shane handle dinner since he was so tired from his trip. But Wyatt doesn’t cook, and the takeout he wanted was on the other side of town. I offered to pick it up.”
“You didn’t have any ulterior motive?” Lucy asked, her soft eyes steady on Veronica’s. “No secret wish for a quickie in the bathroom, no desire to wiggle your way into their evening?”
“No,” Veronica said, taken aback. “I mean, I thought it would be nice to see them both, maybe chat for a minute, but that’s it. Wyatt invited me to stick around and watch a movie with them, but I said no.”
“Why?”
“Because it was their date, not our date. I didn’t want to interrupt their time together.”
Lucy nodded thoughtfully. “Okay. Do you want my opinion?”
Veronica rolled her eyes. “No, I came over here to disrupt your maternity leave because I’m just that big of a bitch.”
Lucy waited a beat. “That was sarcasm, right?”
“Yes, it was sarcasm, and yes, I desperately want your opinion. I need to know if my instincts are right on this, or if I screwed up.”
“I don’t think you screwed up, at least not big,” Lucy said. “Maybe you stepped on Shane’s toes a little by not checking with him directly, but considering the circumstances, it’s completely reasonable for you to think checking with Wyatt was enough.”
Lucy took a sip of her water. “Wyatt also may have stepped on Shane’s toes a little, but again, considering the circumstances, I think he had every reason to expect that this would be fine with Shane.”
“So, I didn’t screw up, and Wyatt didn’t screw up.”
“Right. Which leaves Shane. And boy, did he screw up.”
Veronica sighed, feeling unbearably tired. “That’s what I thought, but I’m so new at this, and right now, I don’t know which end is up.”
“Look.” Lucy leaned forward. “He was entitled to get mad because you showed up unannounced. And he’s entitled to be mad that you and Wyatt had a conversation about him behind his back. Both of these reactions make him a bit of a jerk, in my opinion, but he’s entitled. What he wasn’t entitled to do was jump to conclusions, then not give you a chance to explain yourself.”
“That’s what I thought, but I then thought maybe I was missing something.”
“Nope. Big fat entitled jerk.”
Veronica sighed. “I’m so mad at him. How can I love somebody this much and still be so mad at him?”
“Just one of those things,” Lucy said cheerfully.
“What should I do, Lucy?”
“Well,” Lucy began, then turned at the sound of a faint cry.
“Sorry to interrupt.” A woman with warm brown skin, a round face, and sparkling eyes walked into the room with a squirming bundle in her arms. “But somebody woke up hungry.”
“I’ll take him,” Lucy said, her face going soft at the sight of her son. “Hey there, little man. You ready to eat?”
The other woman settled the baby in Lucy’s arms, then straightened to smile at Veronica. “I’m Glory, by the way.”
“Veronica,” Veronica replied and managed a smile. “It’s nice to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”
“All good,” Lucy put in, lifting the hem of her tank top.
Glory perched on the arm of Lucy’s chair. “Can I get you anything?”
“I’m good, thanks.” Veronica watched as Lucy guided the baby’s avid mouth to her breast, his squeaks and grunts fading when he latched on.
“Fuck, that stings,” Lucy muttered, but the look on her face as she looked at the baby was one of tender indulgence. “Good thing we only do this a few times a day, huh buddy?”
She glanced up at Veronica. “The pump isn’t great, but at least it doesn’t hurt like this.”
“I didn’t know it hurt to breastfeed,” Veronica said.
“Believe me, neither did I,” Lucy said and Glory laughed. Lucy tilted her head back to grin at her partner. “We all learned pretty quickly though, didn’t we?”
“The whole floor of the hospital learned,” Glory reminded her. “The nurses said you were scaring the other patients.”
“Pish. Knowledge is power, isn’t it, little man?” she cooed to the baby.
Glory smiled at Veronica. “It’s a good thing we’d already decided on the breastfeeding, bottle-feeding combination.”
“We wanted Glory and Jack to be able to feed him as well,” Lucy explained. “That way everyone gets to bond with him, and I don’t lose as much sleep.”
“Makes sense. Did you guys finally settle on a name?”
“We went with Graham, in the end.” Lucy smiled. “It’s Glory’s father’s name, and we wanted him to have something of hers.”
“That’s lovely,” Veronica managed.
Glory was watching the baby feed, her eyes shining with emotion. “I think I only got my way on that because Lucy wants to keep the other name we were considering in case we ever have a girl.”
“Rory,” Lucy supplied. “I just think it makes a more interesting girl’s name. Besides, you don’t look like a Rory, do you? No, you’re definitely a Graham.”
Veronica watched Lucy nuzzle her son with a little spasm of envy. “I should go, let you guys get some rest.”
She rose to her feet, gathering her purse. “Thanks for listening, Luce.”
“What are you going to do?” Lucy wanted to know.
“I don’t know.” Veronica shrugged. “Let things cool down, I guess. Then, if he doesn’t call me, I’ll call him, and we’ll have it out.”
“My advice? If you love him, work it out. But don’t let him off the hook.” Lucy smiled. “At least not right away. Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
“I’ll show you out,” Glory said and started to stand.
“No, stay.” Veronica waved her down. “I can find the way. Enjoy your family.”
Glory settled back on the arm of Lucy’s chair with a smile. “It was nice to meet you.”
“You, too.” Veronica paused in the doorway, looking one last time at the pair of them, heads together as they watched their child nurse, love and contentment like a glow around them.
She wanted that, she realized. Not the baby, necessarily, at least not right away, but the intimacy that was so bright and strong she could almost see it. She wanted that with Shane.
She turned away, closing the door gently behind her, and walked back to her car.
She drove home on autopilot, thankful that the streets were mostly clear of traffic now. Her mind felt muddled, her body weighed down, all the emotional upheaval of the last few hours drained away to leave her hollow. She knew she’d have to think about all of this again—Shane’s accusations, what it meant for their relationship that he so clearly didn’t trust her. Did they even have a future anymore?
Maybe he’d never wanted a future with her. She had only that one mumbled, accidental ‘love you’ to indicate he felt anything more for her than sexual attraction and basic affection. The truth was, they’d never talked about the future, and she was going to have to face that maybe she’d built castles in the air, dreaming up a future with a man who never wanted it.
She parked her car with a sigh and switched off the engine. Her stomach rumbled as she climbed out, reminding her that she hadn’t eaten. She climbed the steps to her apartment with a sad little laugh. She’d fed her boyfriend and his lover but hadn’t bothered to get herself any nourishment. “Thanks, universe, for the on-the-nose metaphor,” she muttered.
She’d order a pizza, or maybe Chinese since any sort of Italian food was just going to remind her of Shane tonight. Of course, she was going to be thinking about him no matter what she had for dinner unless what she had for dinner was a fifth of vodka, and that wasn’t possible because she was all out and the liquor store didn’t deliver.
She was making a mental pro/con list on the merits of a liquid dinner and calculating exactly how long it would take her to get to the liquor store and back when she turned the corner and froze.
Shane was sitting on the floor in front of her apartment, his back to her door. His head was tilted back, his eyes closed, and her first thought was that he looked so tired. Lines that weren’t normally there were carved deep into his face, dark circles under his eyes. Even his posture looked tired, his shoulders slumped and forearms draped over his updrawn knees.
Her second thought was that he’d been such a jerk, and it was a goddamn crime that he still looked so fucking good.
She opened her mouth to ask him what he was doing here when he spoke.
“I don’t blame you for not talking to me,” he said, turning his head so his cheek was pressed against the door. “You tried to do something nice, and I jumped to all the wrong conclusions.”
He was talking to her door, she realized. He thought she was in there, not answering, so he’d parked himself outside her door.
“I’d like to explain,” he went on, his eyes still closed. “If you want me to go, I will. You don’t owe me anything, and what I have to say doesn’t excuse what I did. But I’d like to tell you why.”
Veronica took a careful step back, then another, biting her lip and praying he wouldn’t open his eyes until she’d managed to get out of sight. She let out a soundless breath of relief when she stepped back around the corner to the top of the stairwell and leaned against the wall.
“Since you’re not telling me to go,” he went on, his voice carrying clearly to where she stood, “I’ll take that as an okay to keep talking. But if you want me to stop, or leave, just tell me.”
There was a moment of silence, as though he was waiting for a response. When none came, he began speaking again.
“I know I’ve told you before, about some of the other women. Julia, Beth, Savanah. I know I’ve been comparing you to them, and that’s not fair. You’re not them. But I didn’t think they were them at first, either.”
Veronica lowered herself to the top step carefully, all her attention on the man on the other side of the wall, pouring his heart out.
“I was never unclear with them about Wyatt, about how important he is to me. And they all seemed to accept that, at first. They loved the idea of having him join us in bed, anyway, and knew that I needed time of my own with him. But after a while, they started to resent it.”
He was silent for a moment, as though he was giving her time to respond. When she didn’t, he went on.
“It was little things, at first. Pouting when I couldn’t do something with them because Wyatt and I had plans, or trying to get me to bring them along. Then it got to be more than just pouting, or trying to tag along. Beth ambushed a date once.”
There was a scuffling noise, like he was moving around, then a thump. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to bang on the door, I’m just getting more comfortable.”
Veronica smiled at that, her heart aching to go pull him off the floor and hug him. But he wasn’t done talking, and she wasn’t done listening.
“Anyway, I was telling you about Beth. Beth was fun. She was kind of shy, didn’t like big crowds or going to events with a lot of people, so we mostly stayed in. She liked Wyatt, too. The idea of having him in bed with us was scandalous for her. She grew up in a small town in Wisconsin and came to Lansing for school, and until then she’d never really thought of things like threesomes or non-monogamy.
“She was all for it, but I think looking back she viewed it as a sort of sexual adventure — something wild she’d do while she was young and could look back on years later. I don’t think she ever thought of it as a viable long-term option, and I guess she assumed I felt the same way. That Wyatt was a phase I was going through, and I’d grow out of it.”
There was a heavy sigh. “When I didn’t, she started to get manipulative. Little things, like forgetting to give me phone messages from him, switching dates on the calendar. It took me a while to see she was doing it on purpose. Wyatt tried to tell me, but I loved her, you know?”
Veronica bit her lip, a little pang under her heart at the hurt in his voice.
“At least I thought I did,” he went on, so softly she had to strain to hear. “I ignored most of the signs, made excuses or believed hers.”
He was quiet so long she almost went to him. She was rising to her feet when he spoke again. “Anyway, Wyatt and I had a date coming up. It was our anniversary, and we’d planned a short trip. A cabin on the lake, just the two of us for the whole weekend. And she crashed it.”
Veronica’s mouth dropped open, and she slapped a hand over it to keep the gasp from escaping.
“She just...showed up,” he went on. “Strolled in with a couple of bags of groceries and the Lord of the Rings box set, because we’d talked about all getting together for a marathon viewing one day.”
Oh my God, Veronica mouthed to the wall, and mentally sent Beth the finger.
“She got angry when I asked her to leave,” he said, and the bone-deep weariness in his voice tugged at her heart. “Started shouting, throwing things. Wyatt went for a walk so we could talk it out, and that’s when she asked me when I was going to grow up. That’s how she put it—grow up and get rid of my boyfriend and the silly, immature need to have my cake and eat it too. She wanted to get married and have babies, she said, and she couldn’t do that with me if I was going to insist on playing house with Wyatt.”
Veronica’s stomach dropped, a feeling of dread coming over her.
“She never even asked me if I wanted kids.”
Do you? she asked silently, her palm pressed to the wall while she waited for him to answer the unspoken question.
“I do want them,” he said quietly, and Veronica’s sigh of relief almost drowned out his next words. “But I want Wyatt, too. She said that was ridiculous, and she gave me an ultimatum, right there in our little rented cabin. Her or Wyatt.”
I hate this bitch, Veronica thought.
“Since she’s not here and Wyatt is, you can probably guess which way I went,” he said with a sad little laugh that broke her heart all over again. “And it wasn’t a hard choice to make. When she gave me that ultimatum, I knew she didn’t love me. It was for the best, but it still hurt.”
He drew in a deep breath. “Anyway. That’s why I blew up today. When you showed up with dinner I just...reacted, without stopping to think. I was an asshole, and I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me for jumping to conclusions.”
Veronica had to blink back tears as she pushed to her feet. She started to step out into the hallway when his next words froze her in her tracks.
“The thing is, I love you so much more than I ever thought I loved Beth. And I want it all.”
What? she silently implored. What do you want? Tell me.
“I want to love you, and have babies with you. I want to love Wyatt, and make him babysit.”
Veronica clapped her hands over her mouth to hold back the laugh, and barely noticed the tears streaming down her face.
“I want Wyatt to be the best man at our wedding, if we decide to do that someday. But even if you don’t want babies, and you don’t want to get married, I still want to be with you. For as long I can, I just want to love you.”
Veronica could barely see through the tears, both hands over her mouth to hold in the sobs. She stepped around the corner to see Shane rising to his feet, the look of defeat and sadness on his face making her cry harder, then he lifted his head and saw her.
“Veronica?” He glanced back at her door, then at her. “You’re not in there.”
She shook her head, swiping at tears. “No, I’m not.”
“You heard that?” he whispered, cautious hope lighting his face.
She nodded, coming to a stop in front of him. “I think all my neighbors heard it, too.”
He winced. “Sorry. I didn’t think about that.”
“Don’t you dare be sorry,” she said on a fierce sob. “That was the best thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”
“Does that mean you forgive me for being a dick?” he asked cautiously.
“Yes,” she assured him with a watery laugh. “But if you do it again, I reserve the right to kick your ass.”
“Fair enough,” he said, a cautious smile making his beard twitch in that way that she loved so much.
“I’ve been going to a support group,” she blurted out.
He blinked. “What?”
“A support group,” she repeated. “It’s called More to Love, it’s for polyamorous and non-monogamous people.”
“Since when?”
“Pretty much since we got back from Bermuda. I’ve been reading too, blogs and books, and listening to podcasts on polyamory.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
She shrugged, feeling a little foolish. “I wanted to make sure it was something I could do. That it was the right choice for me, not just something I was putting up with for you.”
“And is it?” he asked, cautious hope in his teddy bear eyes.
“I think so,” she said slowly. “I’m still working out some of the details, but I think we can make it work. I want to try. Because I love you.”
He stared at her. “What?”
“I love you,” she repeated.
His arms came around her, bands of steel that squeezed hard and cut off her air, but she didn’t care.
