Greatest hits, p.35
Greatest Hits, page 35
“Uh …” Danny said.
Connie looked over her shoulder. “Hi, Mas’úd. Squires, I would like you to meet Mas’úd Jan bin Jan, a Mazikeen djinn of the ifrit, by the grace of Sulaymin, master of all the jinni, though Allah be the wiser. Our benefactor. My friend.”
“How good a friend?” Danny whispered, seeing the totem of sexual perfection looming eleven feet high before him.
“We haven’t known each other carnally, if that’s what I perceive your squalid little remark to mean,” she replied. And a bit wistfully she added, “I’m not his type. I think he’s got it for Lena Horne.” At Danny’s semi-annoyed look, she added, “For god’s sake, stop being so bloody suspicious!”
Mas’úd stepped forward, two steps bringing him the fifteen feet intervening, and proffered his greeting in the traditional Islamic head-and-heart salute, flowing outward, a smile on his matinee idol face. “Welcome home, Master. I await your smallest request.”
Danny looked from the djinn to Connie, amazement and copelessness rendering him almost speechless. “But … you were stuck in the lamp … bad-tempered, oh boy were you bad-tempered … how did you … how did she …”
Connie laughed, and with great dignity the djinn joined in.
“You were in the lamp … you gave us all this … but you said you’d give us nothing but aggravation! Why?”
In deep, mellifluous tones Danny had come to associate with a voice that could knock high-flying fowl from the air, the djinn smiled warmly at them and replied, “Your good wife freed me. After ten thousand years cramped over in pain with an eternal bellyache, in that most miserable of dungeons, Mistress Connie set me loose. For the first time in a hundred times ten thousand years of cruel and venal master after master, I have been delivered into the hands of one who treats me with respect. We are friends. I look forward to extending that friendship to you, Master Squires.” He seemed to be warming to his explanation, expansive and effusive. “Free now, permitted to exist among humans in a time where my kind are thought a legend, and thus able to live an interesting, new life, my gratitude knows no bounds, as my hatred and anger knew no bounds. Now I need no longer act as a Kako-daemon, now I can be the sort of ifrit Rabbi Jeremiah bin Eliazar spoke of in Psalm XLI.
“I have seen much of this world in the last three days as humans judge time. I find it most pleasing in my view. The speed, the shine, the light. The incomparable Lena Horne. Do you like basketball?”
“But how? How did you do it, Connie? How? No one could get him out …”
She took him by the hand, leading him toward the fifteen-foot-high doors. “May we come into your apartment, Mas’úd?”
The djinn made a sweeping gesture of invitation, bowing so low his head was at Danny’s waist as he and Connie walked past.
They stepped inside the djinn’s suite, and it was as if they had stepped back in time to ancient Basra and the Thousand Nights and a Night. Or into a Cornel Wilde costume epic.
But amid all the silks and hangings and pillows and tapers and coffers and brassware, there in the center of the foyer, in a Lucite case atop an onyx pedestal, lit from an unknown source by a single glowing spot of light, was a single icon.
“Occasionally magic has to bow to technology,” Connie said. Danny moved forward. He could not make out what the item lying on the black velvet pillow was. “And sometimes ancient anger has to bow to common sense.”
Danny was close enough to see it now.
Simple. It had been so simple. But no one had thought of it before. Probably because the last time it had been needed, by the lamp’s previous owner, it had not existed.
“A can opener,” Danny said. “A can opener!?! A simple, stupid, everyday can opener!?! That’s all it took? I had a nervous breakdown, and you figured out a can opener?”
“Can do,” Connie said, winking at Mas’úd.
“Not cute, Squires,” Danny said. But he was thinking of the diamond as big as the Ritz.
How’s the Night Life on Cissalda?
When they unscrewed the time capsule, preparatory to helping temponaut Enoch Mirren to disembark, they found him doing a disgusting thing with a disgusting thing.
Every head turned away. The word that sprang to mind first was, “Feh!”
They wouldn’t tell Enoch Mirren’s wife he was back. They evaded the question when Enoch Mirren’s mother demanded to know the state of her son’s health after his having taken the very first journey into another time/universe. The new president was given dissembling answers. No one bothered to call San Clemente. The chiefs of staff were kept in the dark. Inquiries from the CIA and the FBI were met with responses in pig Latin and the bureaus were subtly diverted into investigating each other. Walter Cronkite found out, but after all, there are even limits to how tight security can get.
Their gorges buoyant, everyone of them, the rescue crew and the medical team and the chrono-experts at TimeSep Central did their best but found it impossible to pry temponaut Enoch Mirren’s penis from the (presumably) warm confines of the disgusting thing’s (presumed) sexual orifice.
A cadre of alien morphologists was assigned to make an evaluation: to decide if the disgusting thing was male or female. After a sleepless week they gave up. The head of the group made a good case for his team’s failure. “It’d be a damned sight easier to decide if we could get that clown out of her … him … it … that thing.’ ”
They tried cajoling, they tried threatening, they tried rational argument, they tried inductive logic, they tried deductive logic, they tried salary incentives, they tried profit sharing, they tried tickling his risibilities, they tried tickling his feet, they tried punching him, they tried shocking him, they tried arresting him, they tried crowbars, they tried hosing him down with cold water, then hot water, then seltzer water, they tried suction devices, they tried sensory deprivation, they tried doping him into unconsciousness. They tried shackling him to a team of Percherons pulling north and the disgusting thing to a team of Clydesdales pulling south. They gave up after three and a half weeks.
The word somehow leaked out that the capsule had come back from time/universe Earth2, and the Russians rattled swords—suggesting that the decadent American filth had brought back a decimating plague that was even now oozing toward Minsk. (TimeSep Central quarantined anyone even remotely privy to the truth.) The OPEC nations announced that the Americans, in league with Zionist Technocrats, had found a way to siphon off crude oil from the time/universe next to our own, and promptly raised the price of gasoline another forty-one cents a gallon. (TimeSep Central moved Enoch Mirren and the disgusting thing to its supersecret bunker headquarters sunk beneath the Painted Desert.) The Pentagon demanded the results of the debriefing and threatened to cut throats; Congress demanded the results and threatened to cut appropriations. (TimeSep Central bit the bullet—they had no other choice, there had been no debriefing—and they stonewalled: we cannot relay the requested data at this time.)
Temponaut Enoch Mirren continued coitusing.
* * *
The expert from Johns Hopkins, a tall, gray gentleman who wore three-piece suits, and whose security clearance was so stratospherically high the president called him on the red phone, sequestered himself with the temponaut and the disgusting thing for three days. When he emerged, he called in the TimeSep Central officials and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, quite simply put, Enoch Mirren has brought back from Earth2 the most perfect fuck in the universe.”
After they had revived one of the women and four of the men, the expert from Johns Hopkins, a serious, pale gentleman who wore wing-tip shoes, continued. “As best I can estimate, this creature—clearly an alien life-form from some other planet in that alternate time/universe—has an erotic capacity that, once engaged, cannot be neutralized. Once having begun to enjoy its, uh, favors … a man either cannot or will not stop having relations.”
“But that’s impossible!” said one of the women. “Men simply cannot hold an erection that long.” She looked around at several of her male compatriots with disdain.
“Apparently the thing secretes some sort of stimulant, a jelly, perhaps, that re-engorges the male member,” said the expert from Johns Hopkins.
“But is it male or female?” asked one of the men, an administrative assistant who had let it slip in one of their regular encounter sessions that he was concerned about his own sexual preferences.
“It’s both, and neither,” said the expert from Johns Hopkins. “It seems equipped to handle anything up to and including chickens or kangaroos with double vaginas.” He smiled a thin, controlled smile, saying, “You folks have a problem,” and then he presented them with a staggering bill for his services. And then he departed, still smiling.
They were little better off than they had been before.
But the women seemed interested.
* * *
Two months later, having fed temponaut Enoch Mirren intravenously when they noticed that his weight had been dropping alarmingly, they found an answer to the problem of separating the man and the sex object. By setting up a random sequence sound wave system, pole to pole, with Mirren and his paramour between, they were able to disrupt the flow of energy in the disgusting thing’s metabolism. Mirren opened his eyes, blinked several times, murmured, “Oh, that was good!” and they pried him loose.
The disgusting thing instantly rolled into a ball and went to sleep.
They immediately hustled Enoch Mirren into an elevator and dropped with him to the deepest, most tightly secured level of the supersecret underground TimeSep Central complex, where a debriefing interrogation cell waited to claim him. It was 10′ × 10′ × 20′, heavily padded in black Naugahyde, and was honeycombed with sensors and microphones. No lights.
They put him in the cell, let him stew for twelve hours, then fed him, and began the debriefing.
“Mirren, what the hell is that disgusting thing?”
The voice came from the ceiling. In the darkness Enoch Mirren belched lightly from the quenelles of red snapper they had served him, and scooted around on the floor where he was sitting, trying to locate the source of the annoyed voice.
“It’s a terrific little person from Cissalda,” he said.
“Cissalda?” Another voice; a woman’s voice.
“A planet in another star system of that other time/universe,” he replied politely. “They call it Cissalda.”
“It can talk?” A third voice, more studious.
“Telepathically. Mind-to-mind. When we’re making love.”
“All right, knock it off, Mirren!” the first voice said.
Enoch Mirren sat in darkness, smiling.
“Then there’s life in that other universe, apart from that disgusting thing, is that right?” The third voice.
“Oh, sure,” Enoch Mirren said, playing with his toes. He had discovered he was naked.
“How’s the night life on Cissalda?” asked the woman’s voice, not really seriously.
“Well, there’s not much activity during the week,” he answered, “but Saturday nights are dynamite, I’m told.”
“I said knock it off, Mirren!”
“Yes, sir.”
The third voice, as if reading from a list of prepared questions, asked, “Describe time/universe Earth2 as fully as you can, will you do that, please?”
“I didn’t see that much, to be perfectly frank with you, but it’s really nice over there. It’s warm and very bright, even when the frenzel smelches. Every nolnek there’s a vit, when the cosmish isn’t drendeling. But I found …”
“Hold it, Mirren!” the first voice screamed.
There was a gentle click, as if the speakers were cut off while the interrogation team talked things over. Enoch scooted around till he found the soft wall, and sat up against it, whistling happily. He whistled “You and the Night and the Music,” segueing smoothly into “Someday My Prince Will Come.” There was another gentle click, and one of the voices returned. It was the angry voice that spoke first; the impatient one who was clearly unhappy with the temponaut. His tone was soothing, cajoling, as if he were the Recreation Director of the Outpatient Clinic of the Menninger Foundation.
“Enoch … may I call you Enoch …” Enoch murmured it was lovely to be called Enoch, and the first voice went on, “We’re, uh, having a bit of difficulty understanding you.”
“How so?”
“Well, we’re taping this conversation … uh, you don’t mind if we tape this, do you, Enoch?”
“Huh-uh.”
“Yes, well. We find, on the tape, the following words: ‘frenzel,’ ‘smelches,’ ‘nolneg’ …”
“That’s nolnek,” Enoch Mirren said. “A nolneg is quite another matter. In fact, if you were to refer to a nolnek as a nolneg, one of the tilffs would certainly get highly upset and level a renaq …”
“Hold it!” The hysterical tone was creeping back into the interrogator’s voice. “Nolnek, nolneg, what does it matter—”
“Oh, it matters a lot, see, as I was saying—”
“—it doesn’t matter at all, Mirren, you asshole! We can’t understand a word you’re saying!”
The woman’s voice interrupted. “Lay back, Bert. Let me talk to him.” Bert mumbled something vaguely obscene under his breath. If there was anything Enoch hated, it was vagueness.
“Enoch,” said the woman’s voice, “this is Dr. Arpin. Inez Arpin? Remember me? I was on your training team before you left?”
Enoch thought about it. “Were you the Black lady with the glasses and the ink blots?”
“No. I’m the white lady with the rubber gloves and the rectal thermometer.”
“Oh, sure, of course. You have very trim ankles.”
“Thank you.”
Bert’s voice exploded through the speaker. “Jeezus Kee-rice, Inez!”
“Enoch,” Dr. Arpin continued, ignoring Bert, “are you speaking in tongues?”
Enoch Mirren was silent for a moment, then said, “Gee, I’m awfully sorry. I guess I’ve been linked up with the Cissaldan so long, I’ve absorbed a lot of how it thinks and speaks. I’m really sorry. I’ll try to translate.”
The studious voice spoke again. “How did you meet the, uh, Cissaldan?”
“Just appeared. I didn’t call it or anything. Didn’t even see it arrive. One minute it wasn’t there, and the next it was.”
Dr. Arpin spoke. “But how did it get from its own planet to Earth2? Some kind of spaceship, perhaps?”
“No, it just … came. It can move by will. It told me it felt my presence, and just simply hopped across all the way from its home in that other star system. I think it was true love that brought it. Isn’t that nice?”
All three voices tried speaking at once.
“Teleportation!” Dr. Arpin said, wonderingly.
“Mind-to-mind contact, telepathy, across unfathomable light-years of space,” the studious voice said, awesomely.
“And what does it want, Mirren?” Bert demanded, forgetting the conciliatory tone. His voice was the loudest.
“Just to make love; it’s really a terrific little person.”
“So you just hopped in the sack with that disgusting thing, is that right? Didn’t even give a thought to decent morals or contamination or your responsibility to us, or the mission, or anything? Just jumped right into the hay with that pukeable pervert?”
“It seemed like a good idea at the time,” Enoch said.
“Well, it was a lousy idea, whaddaya think about that, Mirren? And there’ll be repercussions, you can bet on that, too; repercussions! Investigations! Responsibility must be placed!” Bert was shouting again. Dr. Arpin was trying to calm him.
At that moment, Enoch heard an alarm go off somewhere. It came through the speakers in the ceiling quite clearly, and in a moment the speakers were cut off. But in that moment the sound filled the interrogation cell, its ululations signaling dire emergency. Enoch sat in silence, in darkness, naked, humming, waiting for the voices to return. He hoped he’d be allowed to get back to his Cissaldan pretty soon.
But they never came back. Not ever.
* * *
The alarm had rung because the disgusting thing had vanished. The alien morphologists who had been monitoring it through the one-way glass of the control booth fronting on the examination stage that formed the escape-proof study chamber, had been turned away only a few seconds, accepting mugs of steaming stimulant-laced coffee from a Tech 3. When they turned back, the examination stage was empty. The disgusting thing was gone.
People began running around in ever-decreasing circles. Some of them disappeared into holes in the walls and made like they weren’t there.
Three hours later they found the disgusting thing.
It was making love with Dr. Marilyn Hornback in a broom closet.
* * *
TimeSep Central, deep underground, was the primary locus of visitation, because it had taken the Cissaldan a little while to acclimate itself. But even as Bert, Dr. Inez Arpin, the studious type whose name does not matter, and all the others who came under the classification of chrono-experts were trying to unscramble their brains at the bizarre progression of events in TimeSep Central, matters were already out of their hands.
Cissaldans began appearing everywhere.
As though summoned by some silent song of space and time (which, in fact, was the case), disgusting things began popping into existence all over Earth. Like kernels of corn suddenly erupting into blossoms of popcorn, one moment there would be nothing—or a great deal of what passed for nothing—and the next moment a Cissaldan was there. Invariably right beside a human being. And in the next moment the invariable human being would get this good idea that it might be nice to, uh, er, that is, well, sorta do it with this creature.
