Falling with a spin, p.30
Falling With a Spin, page 30
“Are you doing okay?” Concern washes over his face.
“Yeah, just nerves for the test.” Hoping he takes that as a good enough answer. “I might hit up the studio after to let off some steam.”
He squints his eyes at me but nods his head. “That’s a really good idea.”
It’s a great idea for me. The best way to get all these thoughts out of my head. To forget the judge's gavel hitting against the wood. To get Chad's smirk and the way he touched my face out of my head. To just feel clean.
I walk through the door of my calculus class for the last time with some sort of confidence, and it’s strange. I’m not sure if it’s because this is the last day and last test or the fact that I won't have to look at a single calculus problem for a long while but I’m not going to overthink it.
Walking up to my seat, I set my stuff down pulling out my notebook to go over the problems one last time before the room starts to fill up. I close my eyes taking a deep breath, separating the thoughts from the last week to focus only on what is in front of me. I open my eyes to see Layla sitting right next to me with a Coca-Cola in her hand and the brightest smile on her face.
“Class, today is the last day,” Professor Mikens voice echoes around the room as he walks inside. “For some of you, it has been an easy road, and for others, not so much.” His eyes scan across the room and land on me, giving me a small smile before continuing. “But I’m proud of every one of you for the work you have put into this semester. Now, let's end this day with a good one.”
I smile at the one teacher who has reminded me countless times to keep my head up and know that the storm will end. To keep going even when I don’t think it’s possible. He didn’t know about the many other problems that I couldn’t solve, but that one sentence he said to me once will always remain.
“If I could, I would not be giving you this test and telling you all that you’ve passed. But, I would really like to keep my job.” He chuckles. Taking out a stack of papers, and hands one to each student at the end of the row to pass down. “You will have one hour to complete this test, and you may use a calculator. If you finish before the hour, hand the test to me, and you’re free to go.” He finishes up before walking to sit down at his desk.
Before opening the packet, I glance towards Layla, and she’s looking at me with two thumbs up and a wide grin on her face. I hold back my laughter and turn back to my test, opening it up to the first problem.
The hour goes by faster than I thought, and when I finally close the packet, I look around, noticing I’m the last one here. Grabbing my belongings I walk down the steps and set the test on Professor Mikens desk. He glances up at me and I give him a small smile before walking out the door. Relief rushes through me; the test was easier than I expected, and I’m not sure if that's good or bad. But I did it. I finished my classes even with how this whole semester went. A feeling of pride wraps around me that I didn’t fail at something.
The studio has slowly become my place to go to escape, just like how it used to be. I climb out of the car and walk through the front door, the receptionist waves to me as I walk towards the room that I’ve been using for a few months now. I’ve come here to clear my head and get away from everything that's happening out there.
I connect my phone to the bluetooth and hit play.
As I start moving around the room everything starts to fall away from me. The constant hovering from Taylor and Hunter. The calls from my Mom and Dad. When my Dad called the first time, it did worry me, but it was only a check up call. That was four days ago, and he did another one today, but I let that go to voicemail. Caleb has been dropping by unannounced and staying for hours. It doesn’t bother me, but it's weird. Normally, he doesn’t stay long when Taylor is around. It has been a week since the verdict came through, and I feel fine. I even told all three of them that on more than one occasion, but they didn’t believe me. One night, I even heard Taylor talking to Caleb and Hunter that she thinks I’m keeping myself busy so I don’t think about what happened.
Maybe she is right, or maybe she just doesn't know me as well as she thought she did.
When the first song ends, the next one starts, and I don’t think before I continue moving. Letting all the emotions leave my body.
Two hours go by before I walk out of the studio, sweat dripping down my forehead and my legs feeling like jello. But it feels good. Thoughts from earlier slowly start to burn away and I can breathe again. Dancing has always given me the ability to reset myself. To let go of all the bullshit that goes on in my life and just focus on one thing. Me.
I’m the person who always makes sure that the ones around me have what they need before myself. But when it comes to dance and music, nothing else matters around me. Not what Hunter is thinking, not what I’m going to do next year if I don’t make it to Juilliard, not the piled up text messages that I don’t bother to check anymore. Nothing.
My phone vibrates in my hand, and I look down to see Hunter's name flash across the screen. A heavy sigh leaves me as I contemplate answering. My thumb hovers over the green accept button, and guilt wraps its arms around me when the call goes silent. I’m not ignoring him on purpose, but the constant check-ins are slowly becoming suffocating. He cares, and I love that about him. It’s his love language, but I also need time to myself.
Two weeks since
The music in the studio blares through the speakers. I showed up right when they opened, and it's nearing noon, which puts me at about two hours till I need to be at the coffee shop for my shift. Coming here each morning has been implemented into my daily routine now since school ended. I wake up, get dressed, and pack my bag for work that day. Then, once my shift is over, I either go back to the studio or trudge home, flinging my tired body on my bed.
Repeating it all the next day.
I haven’t seen much of Taylor lately with her schedule increasing and with me at the studio for the majority of the day. By the time I get home from work or my second session at the studio, her bedroom light is off, and she's fast asleep. I miss her and our movie nights, and I think about texting her asking for a girl's night since she loves them, but then I close out the message and lock my phone.
She would love to spend a day with me, but I just can’t seem to bring myself to do it. The thought of being anywhere that isn’t at the studio makes me feel grimy, and unease crawls into me. It’s the one place that hasn’t hurt me or would have the ability to. I come here to get away from the ones I’ve hurt and have hurt me.
Breathing heavily, I lean against the bare and pause the music. I look at the time, deciding that almost four hours of dancing has been enough and I should get ready for work. I head towards the showers and pass Aubrey on the way, she gives me a smile before continuing towards her class. We haven’t talked much since I started here, only seeing each other in passing and it’s kind of comforting to know that she is here.
I reach the locker room and set all my stuff in my locker, taking only the necessities. Pulling out my phone, I see a few messages from Hunter, Taylor, and Caleb. I swipe left on my phone, letting the messages disappear from the screen and myself.
I will check them later. In reality, I won’t not.
“Kelly, I have your medium hot coffee ready for you.” I put the drink down at the counter, call out the customer's drink and return to making drinks.
Today is relatively busy for a Monday evening, which has Liam and me running around making sure things are getting done before closing time. The rush is dying down, and we are almost done with cleaning things up when the door chimes, I turn around to see a group of guys walk through the door. Everything in me freezes, and I just want to bolt out of the place and never return. The group that stands in the middle of the room is the basketball team, Chad's friends, and the people who I don’t want to see ever again.
Letting Liam know that I will be right back, I walk as casually as I can to the bathroom and close the door before sliding down to the floor. I bring my shaky hands to my face as the tears stream down my face.
I’ve gone two weeks without crying, and the second I see people who are close to him, I end up on the bathroom floor, losing it. Chad doesn't go to Crestview anymore since he’s been kicked off the team, but it doesn’t change the fact that they are correlated to him in every way possible. Hell, it’s still hard to even look at Caleb sometimes. I keep all of this to myself. If I say it out loud, then it becomes real that I really did lose and keep losing every day. No matter how much time passes, Chad still has a grip on me.
Except when I’m in the studio, his grip loosens.
When I walk through the door after work, deciding that going to the studio tonight isn’t the best and letting my body rest, I see Taylor and Caleb sitting on the couch with a popcorn bowl. Taylor looks up at me. She gives me a bright smile, and I muster up the best one I can, but it falls flat. She can tell that something is wrong. Always has been able to. Caleb has a worried look on his face, and I try to avoid his gaze, but it’s hard when your two best friends are staring right at you.
“We were going to do a movie night and thought you would want to join us?” Taylor's usual loud voice softens, and I wince because this isn’t who she is. She doesn’t do movie nights willingly with Caleb, nor does she talk softly to me, and Caleb wouldn’t be caught alone in the room with her. So why are they acting like this? Anger boils up in me.
I take in a breath a hopeful smile appears on Taylor's face, and it crushes everything inside me. I want to say yes and sit down to eat all of the junk food we have while throwing popcorn at each other arguing over what movie we are going to watch. But I can’t.
“I think I’m going to head to bed actually. I’m pretty tired.” I say, walking past them to my room
“Emma-” Caleb's voice catches me, but he is cut off by whatever Taylor does, and the tears well up in my eyes just as my door close
Three weeks since
I’m in the studio again. Like I have been for the last three weeks. If I’m not here sweating off my emotions, then I’m working and if I’m not doing either of those, then I’m in my room reading. Getting lost in the fantasy world because who wouldn’t want to be in a make-believe world that's created by people who have wild imaginations?
I haven’t spoken to Taylor since she asked me to join them for a movie night and I’m not sure how to feel about it. Part of me is relieved because then I get my time to myself without her breathing down my neck, but another part of me misses her and wants her to scream at me. The same goes for Hunter; his calls have stopped, but his texts have not, only messaging me in the morning and at night, but I have a feeling those will stop altogether, too.
I don’t have the energy to respond because what will I say, “Good morning, I'm alive and not doing well. I think you’re better off without me. Even though you say you love me, it’s hard to believe anything but my negative thoughts.”
Yeah no. That definitely won't be happening.
I walk over to my bag, my breathing heavy as I grab my water bottle, taking a sip from it and letting the cool water go down. The sound of the door opening has me whipping around, and I choke on my water when the person in front of me crosses their arms and leans against the door, staring at me.
“Well, I’m glad to see that you are alive.” Hunter's deep voice causes chills to scatter across my skin, and a small whimper comes from me. Who knew you could miss a voice so much?
“Yup, I’ve been here.” I wave my arms around the studio.
“Oh, I know. Aubrey has kept me up to date. Actually, everyone has. Except you.” His eyes narrow at me and all I want to do is crawl into myself.
“I’m sorry that I haven’t gotten back to you. I haven’t really been talking to anyone, actually.” I shrug and avert my gaze from him.
“News flash, Emma, I’m not just anyone to you.” He starts walking forward, and I try hard to hold my ground. “I’m your boyfriend. The person that has helped you these past six months.”
I take a few steps back as he continues forward, and I keep my gaze away from him, knowing that the second I look at him, the damn will break. He continues as he gets closer, “The one that you don’t push away because I will always keep pushing back.” He reaches up to cup my cheek, and everything crumbles as I drop to the ground. His arms wrap around me, catching me as I fall.
I eventually peel myself off Hunter and wipe my tears. He smiles at me, and I find myself smiling back.
“I’ve been so worried about you.” He whispers, and I close my eyes, preparing myself for what he says next, but it doesn’t come.
When they open, I see his hurt and worry, and I just want to lose it all over again. “I know, and I’m sorry for the hurt I caused you. I didn’t know what to do.” My voice cracks. “I thought I was okay that knowing he wasn’t around anymore made it easy but it didn’t. Coming here is my escape. To lose myself in the music and movement again, to be the person I can be. To not be a failure.” I whisper the last part
Hunter's fingers lift my chin, and those blue eyes stare into my watery brown eyes, “You’re anything but a failure. If you think that because of the verdict, then let me show you everything you have accomplished.” He clenches his jaw, and I can see the anger behind his eyes.
“That isn’t-” I try to tell him, but I’m cut off by his eyes narrowing at me, and I shut up after that.
“Don’t shut me out, please. Lean on me. I know you are used to doing everything yourself, but for once, let others help you.” He pushes back a piece of my hair that has fallen, and I lean into his touch, feeling the warmth of him again brings flutters to my stomach.
“I’ve missed you,” I say to him. I have so much.
“Oh, baby, how I’ve missed you so much too.” He leans in and kisses me softly.
Everything feels just right again as he lays me down on the floor and shows me how much he has missed me.
Chapter 35
Emma
“Can you hand me my shirt, please?” Hunter's voice comes out low as he holds out his hand.
I grab the shirt that I quickly tore off of him not that long ago and pass it to him as a blush crosses my cheeks. Grabbing the black spandex shorts he ripped off of me, I shimmy them back on. The sports bra I was wearing is useless now since he ripped it in half for no reason. I tell him each time to be careful and take it off like a normal person, and each time, he ignores me, becoming aggressive like the men in the books I read. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but damn, can a girl at least keep her clothing?
Luckily for me, I brought extra clothes in my bag. I grab the AJR sweatshirt, throw it on, and toss my hair up in a bun. Hunter stands by the door with my bag in hand and a smirk on his face. Even with that cocky look on him, my heart still swells with how much I’ve missed him. I hate that I became this way with someone so fast, but I wouldn’t want it with anyone else. He’s shown me that he won’t back down or give up on me, being here every step of the way, even on the hard days. He loves me for all my ugliness, brokenness, and beautiful parts.
“Where’s your sports bra at?” He jokes, and I shoot daggers at him as I go towards the door and when I hear the little chuckle that he makes, it takes everything I have to not turn around and smack him across the head.
Fucking asshole
We arrive back at the apartment, I see Caleb and her on the couch. I give them both a wave and a smile, and my response takes them back. I can’t blame them. I haven’t been the greatest friend or roommate to them lately and they definitely deserve better. Hunter’s hand lands on my shoulder right before I drop my bag, running to Taylor. I throw myself on her and squeeze the life out of her as her arms wrap around me, and I hold back the tears that threaten to spill.
“Okay, okay, I know you’re tiny, but holy shit, you’re strong.” She chuckles and pries my arms off her. “Also, I love you, but please go take a shower.” I scowl at her, and we both laugh because she is definitely correct about that.
“I’m sorry,” I look towards her and then to Caleb.
“We’ll talk when you’re done, okay?” She says, giving me a reassuring smile.
I grab my bag from Hunter, and he follows me to my room. I quickly take a shower and change into some sweats and one of Hunter's shirts that I stole a while back. The look he gives me when I walk out of my closet is filled with lust and desire, but I shake my head no.
“Round two can wait for later, I promise.” Giving him a quick kiss and dash away before his hands land on my hips and bring me in for a deeper one.
I walk back into the living room and sit down on the edge of the couch. Hunter sits next to me, taking my hand in his and squeezing it. This feels weird seeing both Taylor and Caleb in front of me like this.
“First, hear us out. We have a few things to say.” She sits up straighter, her mouth forming a thin line. “We love you so much, but god damn it, Emma, you're scaring the living shit out of us. We might not understand what you went through, but we saw it. The scumbag doesn’t deserve to walk this earth or breathe the same air as you.” I can feel the anger radiating off from her. There has only been one other time I’ve seen her like this, and it was when her Mom called. “But what you are doing isn’t okay, and we won't stand around any longer to watch you do this to yourself.” She finishes with a long exhale, and I don’t realize that I’m crying till Hunter wipes away a tear.
“Alright, Caleb, your turn.” She turns towards him. “Say it before she starts speaking.” A combination of a sob and laughter comes out of me and he gives me a concerning look.
“Emma, you and I have been best friends since before we could walk, and all I have wanted you to be is happy. I haven’t seen you truly happy since this one,” he points to Hunter, “came along, but everything that Taylor said is true. We are done and want the Emma we love so much to be back with us.”
What did I do to deserve these friends? They love me endlessly, and I’ve been terrible to them.
