Despite my crippling sadness and anxiety about what decision I needed to make, I had to pull myself together today. Last week, when I was still with Mason, I had made plans to have lunch with Mary today. And I was going to do that, regardless of what was going on between me and Mason.

  I cared about her a lot, so breaking up with her grandson wasn't going to affect the relationship I had with her. Besides Mason, she was the only other close person I had in my life.

  I sat in the restaurant where we had agreed to meet, anxious about what Mary’s reaction was going to be.

  She arrived just a few minutes later thankfully, so I didn’t have to sit nervously for too long. When she sat across from me, she had a look of sympathy on her face.

  “You already know, don’t you?”

  “I do, my dear.” She smiled softly.

  “What did he tell you?” I asked.

  “He told me that he loves you very dearly but you’re not quite ready to settle down with him.”

  “Ugh,” I groaned, “that’s not even really the situation. It’s not like I’m eager to go out and mess around with other guys, Mary. I just wasn’t ready to jump into marriage with him.”

  “I understand, honey,” she said. “You’re very young.”

  This wasn’t the reaction I was expecting.

  “I thought you’d be more upset,” I told her.

  “Why would you think that?”

  “Oh, I don’t know, maybe because of how hard you pushed me toward him. You really wanted us to end up together.”

  “You still might,” she said cooly. “Mason seems to believe so.”

  I sighed. “Then why won’t he just let me date him now?”

  Mary didn’t have a chance to answer because our waitress had arrived, a customer service grin on her face.

  “Hello, can I get you guys something to drink?”

  “Just water, please,” I said, smiling back even though the last thing I wanted to do right now was smile.

  “And an iced tea for me dear, thank you.”

  “And are you ready to order?” she asked both of us.

  We were; Mary got a Chinese chicken salad and because I wasn’t hungry, I ordered the same thing. I didn’t think my stomach could handle anything more than a salad. Eating had become really difficult since the break up.

  “Mary, seriously, if he still cares about me then why won’t he just allow us to be together?” I asked as our waitress walked away.

  “He loves you. He wants to be with you forever. He wants someone who wants the same thing and he doesn’t think you do. Is it so wrong that he wants to wait to be together until you're sure? So he can be with someone who he knows is equally committed to him?”

  “No, it’s not wrong…” I said begrudgingly. “I just miss him.”

  “Then do what he says,” she suggested. “Find yourself.”

  “How am I even supposed to do that, Mary? How can I be sure he’s the one? How do you know? It’s such a big commitment.”

  She thought for a moment. “Do you want to know how I knew my husband was the one?” she asked.

  “Yes! Absolutely!” I was eager for any clues on what to do. Since I didn’t have my own experiences to go on, someone else’s experiences might help.

  “We were laying together in bed one night. We were just cuddling and he brought up that we had never gone on a trip together and we should take a vacation. So I tried to think about what the most fun vacation would be. Where I might find the most joy. And you know what I realized?”

  “What?”

  “That the most fun I could be having, I was already having. Just laying there in his arms. I would rather do nothing with him than do anything by myself. Every vacation I remembered taking without him, none of them compared to just sitting on the couch and talking. After that moment, I never had eyes for anyone else.”

  “Well, I mean, that is true for me… I do like spending time with Mason more than I like doing anything else. But how do I know that I wouldn’t feel that way about other people? That’s the problem. I don't doubt that I love him. I know that I do, completely. I’m just not sure if he’s the only one I could love.”

  “That part I cannot tell you, dear,” she said. “For me, once I was with my husband, I never had eyes for anyone else.”

  Our food arrived shortly thereafter and Mary graciously turned the conversation away from Mason and toward my recording studio endeavors. In a way, I was grateful to her for trying to distract me from Mason. On the other hand, all I wanted to talk about was him. I couldn’t get him out of my mind and I didn’t even want to.

  After we said our goodbyes, I hugged Mary and thanked her for always being supportive of me. I knew it must have been awkward for her, since Mason was her grandson and all. I knew she loved him more than anything in the world.

  “Anytime, sweetheart,” she said as we began to walk out of the restaurant. “I just want you to do one thing for me.”

  “Absolutely anything,” I told her.

  “Follow your heart.”

  After I walked her to her car, I realized just how much I didn’t want to go home. It felt too lonely being alone in my apartment and the thought of experiencing that made me ache.

  So instead, I walked a block down to the nearest pub. So far I had successfully avoided using alcohol to deal with my feelings because I knew it wasn’t the healthiest option. But fuck it. I had nothing else to do today.

  To my surprise, the bar wasn’t empty. There were quite a few people here. Seriously? People came to a bar on a Sunday afternoon?

  I mean, it was LA I supposed. People were everywhere all the time. And I was also in a bar on a Sunday afternoon so it wasn’t like I had any room to judge.

  I sat down and ordered a beer. I was only going to have one or two, just to take the edge of loneliness off a bit. But not so much that I couldn’t be responsible.

  As I was halfway done with my beer, I heard the stool next to me screech as a guy sat down.

  “Hey there.” He grinned.

  “Hi.” I smiled back politely, not thinking much of it.

  “Can I buy you a drink?” he asked suddenly.

  I almost spit out my beer. I was actually getting hit on by a man? This had never happened to me before in my life. Did I just, like, exude gayness now? How did he know?

  I almost turned him down, but then I realized… This was what I was supposed to be doing. I was supposed to figure out how I could potentially feel for other men.

  “Sure,” I said, even though it stung to say so.

  My thoughts immediately went to Mason and what he would think. Even though we were broken up, it still felt like a betrayal then.

  He ordered us two shots. So much for my two beers rule.

  I took it with him quickly.

  “So, are you from around here?”

  “Not originally,” I told him. “But I’ve been here for seven years now.”

  “Ah, so you're basically a local, then.”

  “Pretty much.” I nodded politely.

  “What do you do for a living?”

  “Oh, uh, I’m a server,” I lied. I wasn’t even sure why. It just felt too weird to say I was a recording artist before my first album even came out.

  “Did that for a while.” He nodded. “Couldn’t hack it. People are so God damn rude to you when you’re their waiter!”

  “Ha,” I gave a fake laugh. “Yeah, they definitely can be.”

  The whole conversation was very contrived and incredibly awkward. It wasn’t going well and all I could think about was how much easier conversation flowed when I was with Mason.

  But I wasn’t really giving this guy a chance. And we were making small talk; me and Mason never made small talk. Maybe I just needed to cut to the chase and ask some more honest questions.

  “Why did you come up to me?” I asked him.

  “Uh, what do you mean?” he asked.

  “Like, I don’t know. Why did you come hit on me? Do I, like, look gay?”

  He laughed. “No, you looked cute. So I hoped you were. And I guessed by your positive reaction that I was right… I was right, wasn’t I?”

  “Yeah.” I laughed. “You were right.”

  He nodded. “So, any chance you’d want to come back to my place?” he asked bluntly.

  Well, we were skipping small talk, at least.

  “Uh, I don’t think so,” I answered.

  “Why not?” he asked. “We can have some fun. You seem like the kind of guy who’d be down for some fun.”

  I stared at him. He was a good looking dude. I couldn’t say anything against his physicality. I should probably actually have been attracted to him…

  But I wasn’t. Not at all. I had no interest in this guy. Every word that came out of my mouth just reminded me of Mason and how much I missed him.

  “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go,” I told him suddenly.

  “What? That’s it? Just a few minutes of conversation and—”

  “Yep! See ya!” I said, not wanting to deal with any more from him.

  It all hit me at once. I had been such an idiot. It was Mason. It was always going to be Mason. No other man was ever going to matter to me. All I wanted was him. I didn’t need time to figure that out.

  As I walked to my car, I pulled out my phone and called Mason.

  “Hello?” he answered in a serious tone.

  “Hey, it’s me. Can we meet up?”

  “Right now?” he asked.

  “Yeah, if that works for you.”

  “Oh… No, it doesn’t. I’m sorry. I have meetings all night.”

  “Okay,” I said disappointedly. “Tomorrow then? In the morning? I can meet you at your place before work.”

  “Okay,” he agreed. “That should work.”

  “Perfect. I’ll see you first thing in the morning.”

  “See you then,” he answered, getting off the phone casually.

  Waiting until the next morning to talk to him was torture. I was tempted to just text him what I was thinking, but no. That wasn’t right. I wanted to tell him how I felt in person.

  It wasn’t as bad to go back home that night, though. It felt a lot less lonely to know in less than twenty-four hours I’d be back in Mason’s arms.

  I had no doubt he’d take me back. He never really wanted to be apart, anyway. If I was willing to give him my whole heart, he’d have me. I knew he would.

  I woke up at seven the next morning and made my way to Mason’s beautiful beach house. He only had an hour until work, but what I had to say wouldn’t take long. And if it was well received, we could go into the studio together. And if it was very well received, then he could call in and we could spend the day in bed together.

  I rang the doorbell and Mason came out to answer it. He must have known what I was going to say, but he didn’t show it on his face. He stayed completely expressionless.

  “Can I come in?” I asked.

  “Yes, of course.”

  He stepped aside and I immediately sat down on his couch. He sat down next to me, but not close enough to touch.

  “What is it, Caleb? I know you miss me, but I haven’t changed my mind—”

  I cut him off. “I know. I didn’t expect you to. But I have.”

  “You have?” He raised an eyebrow. “In only a few days?”

  “Yes.”

  “Are you just saying that because you want me back?”

  “Absolutely not,” I insisted. “It’s not like that at all. I listened to what you said. And I know definitively now that there is nobody else for me. I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, I do. I was thinking that I was gay and I need to explore that. But you know what? I don’t even really think I’m gay anymore.”

  “What?!” He laughed. “You came here to tell me that you want me, but you’re not gay?”

  “Okay, that sounds weird. I mean, of course I’m still attracted to you! I just mean… I don’t think I’m just gay. I think I just happen to love you, who is a man. My lack of interest in women all these years. It wasn’t that I was denying being gay. It was that I hadn’t found the right person until you. I would have fallen for you even if you were a woman. I fell in love with the kind of person you are. And in all these years, I never met another person I loved like you.”

  “You mean it.” He looked at me seriously. “You really think you want to be with just me, for the rest of your life?”

  “No.” I shook my head. “I know I do.”

  I got down on one knee on the couch in front of him. “I don’t have a ring, baby, and lord knows you’d want to pick your own out anyway. But I’m gonna ask you. Will you marry me?”

  He laughed. “You don’t have to do this, you know. We don’t need to get married right away. I just want to know you’re committed. That you don’t need to explore your feelings any longer. Seriously, baby, that’s enough for me.”

  “It’s not enough for me,” I said seriously. “I am committed. And I know this is forever. So I see no point in holding back. Let’s do this, baby. I’m all in. Let’s get married.”

  He took both my hands and pulled me from off the floor, bringing me in for a deep kiss.

  “Yes! I’ll marry you, baby. Of course I’ll marry you.”

  “Then you’ve just made me the happiest man in the world.” I grinned.

  “Well, you know there’s only one way to celeb—” He was cut off by the sound of his cell phone ringing.

  “Turn that shit off!” I insisted. “Nobody else needs your attention as much as I do right now,” I said, pouting.

  He laughed. “Okay, hold on, I’ll silence it.” But when he pulled his phone out, his face got very serious.

  “No… I’m sorry. I need to take this,” he said, getting out and stepping out of the room.

  I was left completely confused. What the hell had just happened? What could he have seen on his phone that made him look like that and pull away from me?

  For a second, my mind went to a dark place. Maybe in the time we were broken up, he had hooked up with another guy. And he just called him, forcing him to have to break things off.

  But I doubted that very much. That wasn’t really Mason’s style.

  He came back and the color was drained from his face.

  “Honey, what is it? What’s wrong? Who called you?”

  “It was the hospital,” he murmured.

  “The hospital? Who do you know that’s in the hospital?”

  “My Grandma…”

  “Mary?!” I gasped. “What happened? Is she okay?”

  “No,” he said seriously. “She’s dead.”

  14

  Mason

  I sat in the front row of the church, dressed all in black, Caleb’s arms around me.

  As I listened to the preacher, who knew my Grandma personally, talk about what a lovely woman she was, I felt numb. I didn’t want to cry, I didn’t want to go up and speak, I just wanted to do nothing. I didn’t even want to be here.

  But I had to be. I had to plan the entire funeral, since I was the only family my poor Grandma had left. She had done so much for me, this was the least I could do in return.

  She’d had a second heart attack, apparently because of the way her heart muscle was weakened during the first one. They said it was unpreventable, that it wasn’t the kind of damage they could have noticed with any test.

  When I was first told this in the hospital I’ll admit, I went a little crazy. First, I denied it was her, though once I saw her it clearly was. Then I blamed every doctor I could, telling them they didn’t do enough. They should have seen this coming.

  I didn’t know what I was talking about, though. I didn’t even know why I wanted to blame anyone. Death wasn’t always someone’s fault, and my Grandma Mary was pretty old. She lived a long life. And she wouldn’t have wanted me making a fool of myself in front of the entire ER department.

  The only thing that held me together was Caleb.

  I couldn’t exactly say we got to enjoy our recent engagement. There wasn’t a lot of joy in our reunion, though I was grateful it happened. I didn’t know what I would have done if I found out about my Grandma Mary while I was alone.

  He’d been so good to me. He’d taken care of me. I hadn’t been back to work since her death; it had been far too much. Most days, it was hard enough to get out of bed. And on those days, there was Caleb.

  He made me food, he held me while I cried, he reminded me how happy she was with her life, reminded me of stories she had told him. He was my rock. I couldn’t have asked for better. Nothing made this situation particularly easy, but he definitely helped.

  “Mary lived a full and joyous life…” The words of the preacher pulled me from my thoughts. “She wouldn’t have wanted us to mourn her. She would have liked to be celebrated by all her friends and family. So let’s celebrate the beauty she brought to all of us.”

  I knew with the conclusion of his speech came the conclusion of the funeral. We already had prayer, watched a slideshow of photos throughout her life, and heard from many of her friends. It was simple, but sweet.

  Now we’d all go to the hall next door to eat. That was the part I was looking forward to least. I didn’t want to be bombarded with people who wanted to talk about her and tell me about how wonderful she was. I simply wasn’t prepared for that kind of interaction.

  So I sat in the pew as long as I possibly could. Everyone had already filed out when Caleb started gently rubbing my back.

  “Do you want to go the hall?” he asked me.

  “No,” I said softly. “I really don’t.”

  “Why not? You should really get some food in you, babe.”

  I sighed. “I don’t want to talk to people.”

  He nodded understandingly. “Okay then, we won’t,” he said, standing up. “Let’s go eat lunch somewhere else.”

  “Wait, really?” I asked.

  “Absolutely.”

  “But… Isn’t that kind of rude?”

 

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19