Shutout, p.12
Shutout, page 12
I want him to erase everything about my last relationship and every crush I’ve ever had because, in my mind, there would only be him for me. He understands and completes me in a way I didn’t know was missing.
He brought me to life.
Slowly pushing into me, a small grunt leaves his lips as he keeps the weight off me that I crave right now. I want him all over me, against me, underneath me, all around. He picks up the pace, inserting himself all the way, and I whimper in carnality as I wrap my fingers around his neck to pull his face to mine.
His lips mold with mine but feel so much thinner than before, as though he’s biting them while carefully making sure he doesn’t hurt me.
In my plastered state, I know I won’t get to enjoy every second of this because it seems to haze a little, but I mentally glue the events to my brain and pray this won’t be the only time. After letting my sloshed walls down, I ache for him a second time, and we aren’t even done with our first.
His fingers intertwine through my hair and he tugs, bringing my chin skyward so he can have easy access to my neck. My fingernails run up his back as his tongue licks the hollow of my neck.
“Damn,” he mutters deeply in his throat, showing me how good I feel when he thrusts deeper into me. I arch my back in response, savoring his touch and the small bite on my skin.
“You feel so good,” I whimper, feeling his smile as he presses another lingering kiss to my neck.
I turn my head to the side to give him better access when my eyes are suddenly blinded from the hotel room door opening, filling the room with luminescent light.
Bringing my arm over my eyes to block the obstruction, I squint, focusing on who just walked into our room with no—
“What in the actual fuck!”
My heart slams right into my ribcage.
That voice.
That voice is Colson Hayes. The raspy tone, the danger dripping from his words while his hands are in fists.
“Colson,” I whimper, not recognizing my own tone.
Skin touches mine, bringing me back to the imposter in my room, and I choke back a cry.
Gavin.
Our eyes meet and he gives me a smile—a wide, white-toothed purse of his lips. My body is in shock, my arms numb, my whole body traumatized and stunned to where I can’t even smack him.
“Hey beautiful,” he welcomes like I just walked into his room and asked for this.
He rolls off me, but Colson’s hands are already on him, yanking him off the bed and to his feet.
“You’re fucking dead,” Colson storms, throwing him to the ground once the words leave his mouth.
His gaze lands back on me, and I can’t utter a word. I have so much to say, that I honestly didn’t know.
This was all a mistake. And that I’m so sorry.
I wanted this to be him.
I’m drunk, and I didn’t notice or smell that it wasn’t his scent on me.
How the fuck didn’t I know?
“So, this is what you wanted?” Colson snaps. “To get the fuck back with Gavin? Did you plan this shit, for me to see this?!” His tenor is fuming and betrayed. It hits my gut harder than anything I’ve ever felt in my life, and I feel like I’m about to get sick.
I shake my head rapidly, blinking tears that I don’t even fight from falling. I’m so terrified that he’ll never believe me, I can’t even form a word to force out.
“Then what, Bases?” I open my mouth but nothing leaves, my whole body trembles under his scrutiny. “Fucking speak!”
“I—I didn’t know.” I suffocate off my own air.
This...this can’t be happening right now.
I shake my head again, no, no, no.
He narrows his brows. “You didn’t know?” He leans over, his hands sinking into my mattress but makes sure he keeps a safe distance from me.
His gaze digs into me, I can feel it hit my heart, digging and stabbing at it.
This is a nightmare. I feel asleep.
Wake the fuck up.
“You didn’t know it wasn’t my hands roaming your body? My lips against yours, my fucking tongue lodged down your throat?”
“Colson,” I tremble. “I’m so—I didn’t—“ He pushes off the bed, raking his hands through his hair.
“Man, I can’t fucking believe this shit. You fucking had me, literally playing the damn fool. Congratulations, Bases, a job well fucking done.”
I violently rattle my head again. “No, no, I’ve been drinking and—“
“Fuck off, Colson,” Gavin digresses behind him. “Why the hell would she want to sleep with an emo fuck like you? You’d suck the living shit out of her.”
Colson takes a step back toward the door, keeping his eyes locked on mine. “Don’t worry, motherfucker, she’s all yours.”
“She was always fucking mine,” Gavin retorts. “You just got to—” Colson’s fist knocks into his face, and Gavin stumbles back, his hand immediately going to his nose.
“Motherfucker!”
“Colson,” I cry. “It’s not what it—”
“Looks like?” he snarls. “It looks like Gavin’s small dick was inside your pussy. It looks like you were fucking!”
“I thought it was you!” I exclaim. “I swear to—”
“Go fuck yourself,” Colson sneers. “I’m so fucking done with you. You’re just like everyone else.”
“Please.” I attempt to get off the bed, but Colson inches closer to the door.
“You’re a piece of shit, Sawyer. Don’t ever speak to me again.”
Then he storms from the room, leaving the doorway empty in his wake. And I lose everything in my stomach.
Shoving another handful of T-shirts into my antique suitcase, I don’t stop to think, just do. Jake is flying me back to New York with him for “as long as I want” so I can get out of Freemont. I want out of here forever, but Jake continuously wants to argue that I have Dad’s business to run.
Thing is, I’m done with it.
Mom is going to have to figure it out. I can’t go back into that office again and sit in his chair. I can’t look at the stupid decorations hanging on the walls that he never took down when he took over the brokerage.
I can’t do the job anymore.
There’s no energy left in me, no urge to continue on with listings and sales.
I just need a fucking break.
I need away from every stupid ass memory that this town has to offer me. I’ve never been completely happy here. It was always an uphill battle to be just that. A fresh start, somewhere that I can breathe for once in my damn life is what I need.
Zipping my suitcase, I begin to sit on my bed but stop myself from doing so. If I sit, I’ll think, and if I think, then I’ll cry. I’ll sob over everything that has happened over the course of the last eleven days. I’ll ponder on the fact that Colson tried to come to Dad’s funeral but Jake kicked him out.
I may have threatened that if Jake told me anything Colson said I was going to cut his balls off.
Violent, yes, I know, but it worked.
Jake has been doing all my running around in town because I don’t want to deal with a run-in with you-know-who.
I don’t want the awkward talk.
I don’t want to see him.
I don’t want to read his text messages that are still blowing up my phone, which reminds me that I need to change my phone number.
I decided to tell Mom that I was leaving when I got to New York so I didn’t have to hear her wailing on the phone that this was a bad idea and she needed me. It’d end up with me hanging up on her because of all the “phone lines and dead zones of the city.”
Skylar wouldn’t give two shits, I feel the same because she was nothing but worthless the whole time we planned Dad’s funeral. It became more of a pity party for all her friends. Not once did I see a tear roll down her face while I was on the verge of collasping on the ground and screaming at the top of my lungs for everyone to get the fuck out of the funeral home.
Rolling my suitcase to the door, the last thing on my to-do list is tell my landlord to hold my mail. She’s going to ask me when I’m coming back, is my rent going to still be on time, if I need her to come in and watch my shit.
Might as well get the annoying shit over with right now so I can just be done with it.
Opening my apartment door, I’m only able to take one step before I suspend in place.
Everything halts.
My next exhale, my next heartbeat, the blood pumping through my veins. Then pain quickly follows in the pit of my stomach as though someone just sucker punched me.
Someone did just sucker punch me.
The man standing outside my door ripped my heart out and stomped on it repeatedly when his lips were on another woman.
A woman he lived with.
A woman he dated.
The woman who made him smile when I was pent up in Freemont and in college miserable and monotonic.
Colson looks like me—like hell picked him up, ran him over, and told him to go fuck off. Bags under his eyes reveal no sleep in days. He hasn’t shaved, his hair is longer, and he looks as though he just got off a deserted island. His brown eyes study me, taking me in as though it’s been another decade since the last time we’ve seen each other.
“Bases.” His voice is barely a whisper. I wouldn’t have heard it if I didn’t see his lips move.
My hand clutches the door for dear life because with the lack of oxygen going through my lungs, I’m going to pass out. My body can’t take much more shock, I’m tired all the time. My head throbs in repetition that I’ve reached my limit of stress.
I just can’t deal or take anymore or anyone.
“What do you want?” I ask, my tone surprisingly stone cold and calm.
I squeeze the cheap wood, praying to God that this is a nightmare. I thought I’d be safe here, I haven’t been home in days, staying with Taylor when I demanded she not tell Colson where I was. She complied, and we didn’t talk about it anymore.
“I…” He frowns, shoving his hands into his pockets, and the smell of weed assaults my nose. It only goes to prove that he’s been worried, upset, and not able to handle my not speaking to him.
I don’t care.
I know what I saw and how he felt the moment he walked on Gavin and I ten years ago. Except mine was a stupid, drunk mistake. His was calculated and planned.
“Bases,” he repeats. “We need to talk.”
I could tell him to hit the road, get away from my door, but I know Colson Hayes. He won’t do any of the above.
So, instead, I lock my jaw and nod. “You got two minutes, and then this door is going to slam in your face.”
“It’s not what you think.” He wastes no time, thankfully, because I’m not playing right now. “I promise you, baby, it wasn’t what it looked like.”
“Her lips meshed with yours?” I snarl. “Looked like that to me.”
He shakes his head. “Annabelle showed up out of nowhere.”
“And so did Gavin.”
His nostrils flare. “This has nothing to do with that.”
“You sure?” I cock my head; petty, pissed off, and ready to punch him right in the side of the head.
“Sawyer,” he growls. “Listen to what I’m saying, have you read any of my text messages or voicemails?”
“No.”
“Then I need more than two minutes.”
“You’re not going to start making demands here,” I growl. “Hurry the fuck up.” His eyes find my suitcase, and his face pales.
“Where are you going?”
“Time’s a ticking, Hayes,” I remind him.
“She told me we have a son,” he quickly states. “I didn’t believe her. Didn’t want to believe her, but it’s true. His name is Easton, he’s almost one. And I need you, Sawyer, I can’t do this alone.”
I open my mouth, not knowing what to say. How to say it. I imagined kids together with us, but that was me being naive again, wasn’t it? That was me living in a fairyland of happily ever afters with rainbows shooting out of my ass.
But it didn’t exist with Colson and I, it never would. Everything came too hard, fate reared its ugly head, and it was literally us against the world.
“Congratulations,” I mutter. “You’ll be a good dad.” Colson takes a step forward, and I shift back but keep a firm grip on the door, ready to slam it with him in my doorway at any time.
“I don’t want to get back together with Annabelle, we’re done.”
“It didn’t look that way to—”
“Let’s stop the bullshit,” he bellows. “I already told you this wasn’t a game.”
“I can’t do this right now,” I convey. “I need to—”
“Bases, I love you. I’ve always fucking loved you. This wasn’t a way to get back at you. This isn’t a ploy or stunt to get you upset. I can’t do any of this without you. I need you. I can’t sleep, eat, I can’t function because you’re not there.”
“I can’t be there,” I snap. “I need to get away from you, this town, every fucking memory of—”
“You won’t be able to run away from it, trust me, I’ve tried. It’ll haunt you, stalk you. It will eat you alive, baby. There’s no getting away from this, us, we’re meant to be together.”
My brows furrow as I slowly shake my head. “No.”
“Deny it all you want right now,” he continues. “But it’s the truth. Just like everything I’ve said to you.” He bows his head into his chest. “I’m sorry about your dad, I know how—”
“You don’t know anything.” But he does, he really does. I was blessed enough to have more years with my dad than Colson did with his. He got to see me graduate, grow up, work with me, and cheered me on. Colson had none of that, he did it all on his own.
Instead of rebuking that he did, Colson doesn’t say anything. He just looks at me with a sadness in his eyes that I wish would just disappear because I don’t want his pity.
I don’t want anything from him.
“I’ll let you have your time,” Colson voices. “But we’re not done. We’ll never be done.”
“We are,” I blubber, my voice choking on itself. “I don’t want to—” His hands grip my upper arms, and he pulls me into him, but I don’t hit his chest.
“I’m not doing this,” Colson seethes. “This back and forth. This push and pull. You’re mine just as much as I’m yours, Sawyer Boyd, and we can get through this together. I’m not with Annabelle, she kissed me. I want you, always. Nothing is going to change that. I just come with some baggage now.”
“It doesn’t matter that you have a son,” I tell him, staring into his white T-shirt. “I just don’t want a relationship with you.”
“You’re upset and—”
“I’m upset, yes, but it doesn’t change the fact that this—” I wave a hand in between us. “—isn’t going to work. I don’t want complicated. I don’t want us hurting each other for the rest of our lives.”
“Bases, I didn’t mean to hurt you. Please, believe me.”
I shrug. “I just can’t be here.”
“Then we’ll leave, together, wherever you want to go.” I peer up at him, fighting back tears and the shutter that is threatening to leave my body.
“I don’t want you anymore,” I say slowly. “I’m done.” Colson’s fingertips loosen then drop to his sides.
I’ve never seen defeat in Colson’s eyes before. The sudden realization that what I’m saying might be facts and not because I’m livid and pissed at the world around me. It’s to the point where I don’t think I recognize myself anymore.
“I’m not giving up on us,” he bites back. “I’m not done fighting for what we should’ve had a long time ago.” I begin to close the door, getting him to step back into the hallway.
“I wouldn’t waste your time because I don’t think I’m coming back.” Fear crosses his face as I close the door, locking it behind me.
That will be the last time I ever see Colson Hayes.
It’s over.
But then again, it never truly began.
Hope and anticipation of something more are for idiots, especially when the story was never supposed to begin in the first place.
But the main character is me.
Sawyer Boyd, the kind, naïve, ray of fucking sunshine in my gloomy world, shot the fucking sun right out of my sky and rained all over my Goddamn parade.
And it was painful.
Almost more excruciating than having to deal with the loss of my dad. More than coming home and learning that my mom was seeing someone seven weeks after Dad committed suicide. That my life was going to shift and fluctuate yet again, but Sawyer wouldn’t be there.
Not this time.
But it was my choice, my decision.
My fingers still itched to text her, just to see her name pop up on my screen. To tell me it’s going to be okay and she’ll be there on the other side to listen, understand, and tell me how many more days we have left of our senior year.
Again, not this time.
The level of betrayal, the way she did it, I’ll never forgive her. I won’t find it in my already three-sizes-too-small heart to find some room and get past this.
She took away hope. A happy ending. A future that looked so brimming and light with happiness and promise.
Pulling a blunt from the glove compartment of my truck, I light it and inhale deeply, needing a high like a good fucking day right now. I’m not going home to be ordered around by Brian, Mom’s stupid ass new boyfriend, and, well, Gavin isn’t in the damn picture anymore.
I pull out my phone to dial up Ben but decide against it. He’s more than likely boning Lauren at this moment, having a good time.
That’s what today was supposed to be.
I was going to spill everything out to Sawyer tonight. That she was what I wanted, more than anything in my life.
That I was in love with her.
I would take care of her and support her, with the limited shit I had. That we could leave this town together or maybe start living together in a few years when we saved enough.
