I belonged to you what.., p.1
I Belonged to You...?: What If...?, page 1
What If...?
(I belonged to you...)
What If...? Series #1
Heather Mar-Gerrison copyright 2016
Kindle Edition
No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronically or mechanically, including photocopying, recording or by any information storage and retrieval system without the written permission of the author, except where permitted by law. This is a work of fiction. Any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. The Author holds exclusive rights to this work.
Prologue
Eight years ago...
Travis
“Stop that Travis! We’ll be late for school.”
I tried my best to hurry up but it wasn’t easy – this was why we had to set off early – my OCD about not walking on the cracks in the pavement – but today we’d managed to oversleep and therefore we were running late and I was freaking out... “But I can’t walk on the cracks!” I wailed.
Mum rolled her eyes, no doubt in response to yet another one of her son’s freaky superstitions – God only knows where I’d picked them up from – I think Mum thought I secretly trawled the internet for new and exciting ways to give her a mental breakdown. Or maybe it was me who was having a mental breakdown, who knows... I was almost eleven, in my last year of junior school and I was quite aware that I was kind of different to the rest of my classmates – for starters I was streets ahead of them at maths and science – secondly I didn’t find it all that easy to makes friends – I had one really close friend, Gabby who I spent most of my time with – mostly everyone else avoided us – we were the freaky kids – too clever and too weird to be mates with. Whatever...
Mum grabbed me by the arm and pulled me across the road towards the school building. I lost my footing a little as we reached the other side of the road and I stepped on a crack. Letting out a yowl of total horror, I stopped and stared at her, “Look what you made me do!” I screamed, “I’m gonna have such bad luck all day now, Mum! And it’s all your fault!”
She shook her head with a little sigh and stroked my hair away from my forehead. She leaned down and kissed my forehead and then steered me gently towards the school gates, where Gabby was waiting patiently for me. I attempted to smile at her as I wiped the tears from my eyes that had sprung up out of nowhere. “No, you’re not,” Mum said firmly but gently, “You’re going to ace your maths test and you’ll be top of the class – you’ll see.”
This, of course she knew with absolute certainty. I wasn’t only freaky about cracks in the pavement and black cats and ladders – and God help me, Friday the 13th – I was also freaky about numbers. I have no idea how, but I could just do maths without even thinking about it.
I grinned at her, “I am, aren’t I?” I said joyfully; instantly forgetting about my earlier distress, “Thanks Mum,” I flung my arms around her and gave her a big hug, “I’ll see you later – you will be here, won’t you?” A feeling of dread swept through me. I’d stepped on that crack, after all – that definitely meant something bad would happen today. Maybe she’d forget to fetch me...
She nodded firmly, “Of course I will, honey – I’d never leave you stranded...”
No. Of course she wouldn’t. My mum loved me. She’d never leave...
Chapter 1
Roma
Two years ago.
I wrapped my arms around Sam and hugged him to me, “I love you,” I murmured, “and I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Sam nodded and smiled, “I love you too, little Romy,” he said leaning down and kissing me on the end of my nose, “See you tomorrow – and we’ll go for a picnic or something if the weather’s as good as it was today.”
He was the best kisser – all gentle and warm, like a great big, docile bear. People always thought it was funny when they saw us together – no one would ever guess that he was gay if they didn’t see me with him – he was built like a house. Six feet four and broad and fucking gorgeous! He was totally my bear – and I was totally his twink!
I let him go, still gazing at him. He was the most precious thing in the world to me and I could have stood there all day just admiring him.
He grinned down at me and then he pulled his helmet on and opened the door. His motorbike was stood in the driveway – his total pride and joy apart from me. He swung his leg over his bike and started the engine. Winking at me, he checked his mirrors and then pulled off.
I waved him off and then went back indoors floating on a cloud of happiness… Sam was everything I’d ever wanted and unbelievably, he loved me in just the same way – I was so lucky to have found him. I had no idea he fancied me until he approached me at a party I was at and asked me out...
“Me?” I stared up at the massive rugby player.
He rolled his eyes and smiled, “Yeah, you.” He said, “Please tell me I’m right about this and that you’re gay?”
I nodded with my mouth open, “Well of course I am.” I said, “But you...?”
He grinned, “Fancy you rotten.” He said, “Have done for a while but I’ve never been able to pluck up the courage before.”
At my look of utter shock he grinned and shrugged, “I’ve had a couple of shots and I’m feeling brave right now...”
And that was all it took – two shots and a feeling of bravado... and we’d been together ever since.
I’d just got out of the shower when the house-phone rang. It was only about an hour and a half later. I didn’t think it would be anything bad. Probably a wrong number. I heard Mum answer it and I heard her gasp of shock and then her words of sympathy, conveying her sorrow for whomever was on the other end of the line. A feeling of trepidation trickled down my spine. Who was she talking to? When she called my name I knew it was something bad – something had happened to my bear. I took the telephone in shaking hands. Sam’s mother was sobbing down the phone. Through her sobs I managed to glean that Sam had been in the most terrible accident.
“Is he okay?” I asked, “Sheena! Is he okay?”
She was babbling and I knew in my heart of hearts that he was anything but okay. Please just be alive. Anything...
“Oh, God, Roma.” She cried down the phone, “They did everything they could for him – but he was pronounced dead on arrival – our baby’s gone.”
I heard the words. The love of my life was dead. I knew it was true. She wouldn’t lie about something like that – but I couldn’t take it in. It just couldn’t be real. He was stood here in the hall with me just two hours ago, telling me he’d see me tomorrow... What was I supposed to do now? Sam was my whole world…
*
You go through so many emotions when someone you love is taken away from you. Obviously when they get killed in an accident the first thing you feel is total shock.
Next comes anger. Why? Why was he killed like that? He was a good person. He was young, full of life, had so much to offer – and he was mine. My boyfriend. The person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How fucking unfair?
I hated everyone. Questioned everything I’d always believed in – that if you were a good person and always did the right thing – good things happened to you – well, wasn’t that just a fucking crock of shit?
The hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was to go to his funeral.
Sam’s mum and dad were both distraught – as were his two sisters – and then me.
I loved his family. They’d always been so accepting of his sexuality – Sam’s dad, Lawrence, said he’d always known – his first bicycle had been a hot pink fairy princess bike... I guess that was a bit of a giveaway.
I listened to the minister’s kind words. Droning on about him never being able to fulfil what would have been an amazing life. It was all so depressing. What the hell was I going to do without him? He’d totally been the light of my life.
We’d been all set to finish college and go off to university together – something I wasn’t sure I wanted to do without him.
Mum was adamant that I’d have to still go, “But he’d want you to still go, honey,” she said, “Surely you still want to be a vet?”
I shrugged, “I dunno.” I said, close to tears as I was most of the time these days, “It all seems so empty now, without him.”
She nodded and sighed, “I know, honey.” She said, “and I know you think I’m being harsh – but you’re still here – you might live until you’re ninety. You can’t give up now – you’re only eighteen.”
I nodded. Eighteen and already facing the future alone...
Well. She was right. I was going to have to carry on – because the world didn’t stop just because the one person who made my life worth living had died. I had to keep going. I smiled at her, “I’ll still go to uni.” I said, “And I’ll be the best vet there is – and I’ll call my practice the Samuel Burke veterinary practice in his memory.”
She smiled back at me, “I think that’s a great idea.” She said, pulling me in for a hug. “I love you, Roma.”
“Love you too, Mum.” I said.
Chapter 2 – Saying Goodbye
Travis
Eight years ago
The bell went at the end of the day and I gathered up my stuff to go home.
Gabby was getting her coat on, “Where’s your mum today?” she asked.
I swallowed and looked at her. Panic beginning to build in my chest. “What do you mean?” I asked.
She nodded out of the window to where all the parents were beginning to gather. Everyone knew my mum was always there first because I freaked out if she wasn’t. “My mum’s here – and Stephen’s and Cameron’s and Martin’s and James’s and Cathy’s and Hattie’s and Denny’s – but your mum isn’t out there – is she poorly today?”
I shook my head, “No.” I whispered. The panic was really taking a hold of me now and I could barely focus on Gabby. “Oh, no.” I sat down. My legs were shaking. “Something’s happened to her because I trod on the crack...”
Gabby came over to me and took my hand, “No.” she said firmly, “Nothing will have happened. She’ll just be running late or something.”
I shook my head, “She’s never running late.” I said, “We were only running late this morning because of me – I overslept because I had a nightmare...” It was all my fault. Everything was down to me. I was such a loser...
Gabby bit her lip. “Mrs Parkinson is coming over.” She said in a whisper.
I looked up. Mrs Parkinson had a worried look on her face, “If you could stay with me, Travis,” she said.
Most of the kids had already left the classroom; all of them eager to get outside to their mums and dads...
I looked up at Mrs Parkinson, “What’s happened to my mum?” I asked fearfully.
Her eyes filled with tears and I knew in that moment that Mum was dead. I just knew...
“I’m so sorry, Travis.” She said, “Your mummy had an accident on the way home this morning.”
I sucked in a sharp breath. My fault. All my fault for stepping on the crack... The pain was already too much to bear. “What happened to her?” I asked in a whisper. My head was swimming and everything was going black.
“She was taken to the hospital but her injuries were too much for them to fix...”
I heard the words as if from a great distance. I didn’t hear anything else. I’d already passed out.
*
Mum’s funeral passed in a blur of activity that I honestly can’t fully remember. I remember the songs. I remember seeing the curtain close – it was quite the most ghastly shade of purple and I’ve hated the colour with a passion ever since. As the curtain drew around the coffin, the minister said some words that I guess were supposed to be comforting. I didn’t feel particularly comforted. It had only ever been me and Mum. Now I had to be cared for by my uncle and his wife, Aunt May. I was taken miles away from where I’d been familiar with and now I also had to contend with other people. I had cousins. George and Vincent. Adam was Mum’s brother – I’d met them a couple of times before but I’d rarely taken much notice of them so it wasn’t like they were particularly familiar to me.
He was probably only in his forties, but to me, at the time, he was old and crusty and totally out of touch. My cousins were both older than me by around five or six years so we had absolutely nothing in common. They just perceived me as a weird little kid – which I suppose I was...
Of course I wasn’t the easiest kid to get along with – it had been suggested that I had Autism Spectrum Disorder by one specialist but that didn’t necessarily mean I had it. Mum hadn’t been particularly worried about me – she said I could live a perfectly healthy and fulfilled life – whatever that meant but Uncle Adam was quite disturbed by my many foibles and had suggested taking me to be tested for all sorts of things – particularly after I had a total meltdown at my new school and ran all the way home in the middle of morning lessons. I’d never been taken back. Aunt May was horrified that I’d been able to just ‘escape’ and had insisted that I was home-schooled after that by a private tutor.
Of course, being at home all of the time, I was able to eavesdrop quite a bit and some things, I guess, I shouldn’t have heard.
I overheard Uncle Adam talking to Aunt May one day. I wasn’t particularly keen on her to start with – but that conversation, coupled with her finding me the most tolerable of tutors, started to make me realise that she wasn’t all that bad really...
“The boy is completely mental.” I heard Uncle Adam grumbling in the kitchen, “Do you know he switches his light on and off three times every time he switches it on or off? He’s going to blow the fucking consumer unit at this rate.”
Aunt May chuckled, “He’s got OCD – he’s just lost his mother, Adam, give the poor kid a break – he’ll come through it. He just needs time.”
“He’s always been weird – just like his fucking mother. She was always a freaky kid too – and then she met that other loser, Faulkner and look what she ended up with.” He muttered.
Well, that was just rude. It was probably true about me – but there’d been nothing wrong with my wonderful, nurturing, loving mother – and he didn’t have to be so mean about it. He knew who my father was though – Faulkner? Was this is first name? Surname? Well, whatever his name was – that had been an interesting development...
I slunk off back to my room. At least it was a cool space. I could actually relax in the space. It wasn’t home by any stretch of the imagination – but it was as good as it got.
*
I found myself obsessing over finding my father after that little snippet and I started trawling the internet for the name Faulkner Winters. I was surprised at how many entries there were for the name but none of them seemed particularly feasible.
One stood out – but only because there was a picture of the man and he had dark blue eyes like me. But it couldn’t have been him – this guy was a film producer in Hollywood – how the hell could Mum have met him?
Chapter 3 – University
Present Day
Roma
“Oh, lucky old you – looks like you’re in class with our old friend Travis Winters.” Davie-Lee chuckled.
I looked at him, “I’m sorry, I don’t have the faintest idea who Travis Winters is – who are you talking about and why is that funny?”
Davie-Lee nodded across the gardens to where I could just make out a guy leaning up against the wall of the student union bar, his glasses swinging from his hand carelessly and his face turned up to the late September sun. His hair was all over the place, but it looked clean. He was wearing a pair of faded denim skinny jeans, a black tee shirt with some sort of logo on it that I couldn’t read from where I was standing. He had his eyes closed but all in all, he looked kind of cool. I really didn’t get what Davie-Lee was getting at.
“Don’t you remember Travis from juniors?” he asked incredulously.
I frowned and shook my head but then it dawned on me that I hadn’t been to the same junior school as Davie-Lee – and this Travis kid. “I went to a different juniors to you. I’ve only known you since we started at Gregory Street Academy – so, go on then – what’s his story?” I asked – not that I was in the slightest bit interested. As unquestionably cute as he was, I couldn’t possibly love anyone again after Sam – life was a lonely path for me now… I’d come to terms with that, finally.
Davie-Lee shrugged, “Um, not sure – I remember him leaving in our final term. His Mum dropped him off one morning and then he went to live with his great uncle or someone... She died on the way back home somehow. He was about ten or eleven I think.”
My heart went out to him. “Oh, God,” I looked back across at him, “– that’s terrible.”
Davie-Lee nodded, “Yeah, it was awful for him – not least because he was already really weird – he only had one friend and she was a total fruitcake too; he was freakily good at maths – and that’s about as much as I remember about him – oh, and be warned. Never mention Friday the 13th to him – he was absolutely nuts about that…”
I frowned. Jeez, the guy sounded even crazier than I was… I couldn’t help looking over at him again. His untidy, brown hair was longer than average and was currently hanging loosely and brushing against his collar. He’d put his glasses back on and somehow that gave him a slightly superior look as he ferreted through his bag looking for something with a look of mild panic on his face. He was, without question, really kind of cute...
