This is me letting you g.., p.1
This Is Me Letting You Go, page 1
THOUGHT CATALOG BOOKS
This Is Me Letting You Go
Heidi Priebe
Thought Catalog Books
Brooklyn, NY
THOUGHT CATALOG BOOKS
Copyright © 2016 by The Thought & Expression Co.
All rights reserved. Published by Thought Catalog Books, a division of The Thought & Expression Co., Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Founded in 2010, Thought Catalog is a website and imprint dedicated to your ideas and stories. We publish fiction and non-fiction from emerging and established writers across all genres. For general information and submissions: manuscripts@thoughtcatalog.com.
First edition, 2016
ISBN 978-1530896653
10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Cover photography by © istockphoto.com / Melpomenem
For B.
Contents
Dedication
Introduction
1. Read This If Nobody Texted You Good Morning
2. I’m Texting You This Because I Like You
3. The Truth About Meeting Someone At The Wrong Time
4. Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll Never Find 'The One'
5. For Every Fierce Woman Who Has Tried To Be Tame
6. You Should Choose The Lifestyle You Want Over The Person You Want
7. How To Fall Half In Love With Someone
8. Read This When You're Tired Of Everything
9. Here Is How You Love Without Expectation
10. Read This If There’s Someone You Can’t Forgive
11. The Worst Kind Of Failure That Nobody Talks About
12. 14 Things It’s Time You Forgave Yourself For
13. Here Is When You Need To Be Alone
14. Why It's So Hard To Get Over A Cheater
15. Read This If You Feel Like It’s Taking You Too Long To Move On
16. Here Is When You’ll Get Over Your Ex
17. What They Don’t Tell You About Love
18. Just Be The One Who Cares More
19. Take A Chance On Me
20. What We Forget When We Say The Timing’s Wrong
21. Let Me Fall In Love With Your Darkness
22. I Flat-Out Refuse To Marry Anyone Unless These Are Our Vows
23. What The Beginning Of A Relationship Feels Like After The End Of So Many Others
24. Please Delete My Number
25. Here Is How You Stop Waiting For Someone To Come Back
26. Maybe You And I Don't Get Another Universe
27. When You Have To Leave The Best Things Behind
28. What If I Won You Back?
29. How To Love Someone You Cannot Hold Onto
30. This Is Me Letting You Go
Introduction
This is a book that I wrote when I was heartbroken.
I’d imagine that’s how many books get made.
We lose something we love and it seems natural to try to reconstruct it – mulling over memories, sorting through missteps, bleeding our expired hopes and habits onto paper, hoping some part of what we’ve loved will still be salvageable.
If only I can make this pain pretty, we tell ourselves, then it mattered. Then there’s some reason to carry it forward.
But real pain isn’t pretty at all.
And through the process of writing this book, I learned just that.
This book is a compilation of articles that I wrote throughout one of the most tumultuous years of my life.
I was freshly out of college and freshly dumped. I was welcoming the job of my dreams and saying goodbye to a community I loved. I was falling in love at some points and I was falling apart at others. I was ready to move on and I was wholly unprepared to let go. And isn’t that how so many of our changes take place?
Life happens before we are ready for it. These pages are a testament to that.
This is a book about moving on when you don’t want to. It’s a book about receiving a future you’re not ready for. It’s a book about accepting that the hand we are dealt is not always the one we want to play and yet we have to learn to keep on playing anyway.
This is a book about letting go.
It’s about letting go of pain and expectation. Of self-loathing and self-glorification. Of the traumas that we never thought we’d heal from and the love that we never thought we’d lose.
This book is a mixture of lighthearted, joyful articles and serious, somber ones. Because the truth about letting go is that it doesn’t take on a single shape or form. It happens in stops and starts. In stretches and setbacks. In moments where the world feels wide-open and days where all your doors are slamming shut.
Letting go isn’t simple or straightforward. It’s a dynamic, lifelong process.
And I hope that some part of this book can meet you at wherever you are in that process.
Because nobody else can let go for you. But we could all use some company along the way.
1
Read This If Nobody Texted You Good Morning
First of all: Good morning, beautiful.
Is it too late to say that? I know you’ve probably been awake a while – likely hours or even all day. I know you may have gone this whole time without hearing it – shrugging back to friends and family who asked you how you’re doing with a non-committal “Fine” because that is what we’re meant to do as humans – answer meaningful questions with arbitrary phrases. I know that you may not be fine. I know you may have had a lackluster day. And I know that something as incredibly mundane as a “Good morning” text may have made all the difference in the world. It’s okay if that’s the case. It’s okay to sometimes ache for those simple and kind-hearted gestures.
Because the truth is that good morning texts are more than a half-hearted means of communication. They are a sign that we are thought of. Cared for. Adored, by someone who may not be immediately present. They are a reminder – one we perhaps should not need but sometimes do – that we are appreciated in our entireties. So if you did not get one this morning, here is what I want you to know:
You deserve to have a good day today. Not because of some universal law that necessitates good things happening to worthwhile people, but because we all do. We all deserve to have a beautiful morning and a correspondingly fantastic day, regardless of who loves us or appreciates us or thinks of us first thing when they wake up in the AM. Just because someone is not around to appreciate the complexities of who you are does not mean that you deserve anything less than pure joy. And in case there’s no one else to remind you, here is what else I want you to know:
There’s a particular way you laugh that can make an entire room light up, if only for a moment in time. There is a way you tilt your head when you are concentrating that makes you look unbearably kissable – as if you were placed on this earth only to stare at things and frown in the most endearing form humanely possible. There is a noise you make when you are falling asleep – a soft, almost inaudible sigh that sounds like the ethereal embodiment of all that is tranquil and calm. There are a thousand minute intricacies that make up the tapestry of who you are and not a single one has ceased to exist since the last time that somebody loved you.
I know we’re not supposed to need reminders of that. I know that we’re supposed to be strong and self-sufficient and reassured – certain of our own worth, questioning only the value of others. But we’re human. We forget.
We forget that we are loveable. We forget that we’re desired. We forget that we are anything other than the hard-shelled, busybody workaholics that we’ve all been trained to behave as. We forget that we, too, merit adoration.
And here’s what it’s easiest to forget: Who you are doesn’t cease to exist because there’s nobody there to admire it. The way you bite your pencil is still cute, even when there’s nobody to tease you for it. The way you hold yourself still exudes confidence, even if there’s no one to assert it to. The way your eyes light up when you’re talking about what you love is – and endlessly will be – attractive, regardless of who is there to listen to you speak. All the little quirks that make you up are not extinguished because somebody once chose against them. You still deserve to have a good day, even when there’s no one there to wish it to you. Even if you forget to remind yourself.
Someday someone’s going to love all of those tiny things about you. Someone’s going to love the way you cough. They’re going to laugh at the way you lose your keys while you’re actually holding them. Someday, someone is going to stare at you from across a crowded room and know exactly how you’re feeling based on the way your head is tilting or the type of wine you’ve used to fill your glass. Someone is going to appreciate all of your obscurities eventually but right now they are all only your own. And that’s okay. First and foremost, you will always belong to yourself.
Here’s what I urge of you if you did not receive a good morning text today: Don’t forget about what makes you incredible. Don’t let your own intricacies slide. Because the loveable parts of you are not gone – I absolutely promise you that much.
You are so much more than the person who nobody texted this morning. You are encompassing. You are fierce. You are a blazing, roaring fire in a world full of people who’ve been burnt. So please, refuse to let the wounded people extinguish you. Refuse to be tamed. Refuse to flicker down into a meagre, burnt-out coal because somebody else is not tending to your flame.
At the end of the day, we’re all in charge of what we bring to our lives. So be the person who brings light to your own, even if nobody else shows up
And you, my dear, are too intense a power to be reduced by something as small and insignificant as the lack of a good morning text.
2
I’m Texting You This Because I Like You
I’m texting you this because I like you. Because when I think of you I get this sort-of insane feeling inside of my gut that makes me want to listen to really bad pop songs and go for a run (You know it’s bad when I willingly want to go running). I’m texting you this because I think about your body sometimes, pressed up against mine and what that would mean and how awesome that would feel. I’m texting you this because I like you and I’m wondering if you’ve caught on.
I’m texting you this because I want to seem like I don’t care. Isn’t it insane how we do that as humans – how we have to feign distance and disinterest as a means of expressing how we feel for one another? I think that’s just crazy and I know that you do too. I think that is a good conversation we could have, you and I. The kind we pick up over coffee that ends up dragging on for hours and getting us kicked out of the café when it closes. You know, that’s the thing that I like most about you – the way your eyes light up with every new idea and the way the conversation never wanes. I like a lot of things about you but I’m not going to text those to you because I’m playing it cool. Playing it cool is what we’re always meant to do, even though it doesn’t really seem to impress you.
I’m not texting you the link to this website because I think you’re actually going to like it. I mean you might, and that would be great, but I mostly just want your reply. What do you think of this thing that I find funny? What in your mind lines up with mine and where does it deviate? What do I enjoy that you despise? What do you analyze that I glaze over unnoticed? I’m texting you this because I want to know your thoughts on something – anything, really. Your mind is an infinite library that I would like to peruse for a while.
I’m texting you this because I had a bad day. Because my lunch order got messed up and I didn’t say the right thing in that meeting and my friends bailed on that thing that we were supposed to do tonight. I’m texting you this because when your name flashes across my screen, I temporarily forget about all of the petty annoyances that plague us when we don’t think to evade them. Something about you reminds me that there are bigger, better, more important things out there than whether I had almonds in my salad or whether or not happy hour is a go.
I’m texting you this because I’m glad I met you. Because before you came along things were okay but something about you injected color into my world and I don’t want it to fade out just yet. Because you reminded me that something as simple as human interaction could change a shitty day into a good one and a bland thought into a fascinating argument and you make me feel like I’ve had ten hours of sleep and a coffee even when I’m exhausted straight through to the bones. I’m texting you because the rhythm of your mind has gotten stuck inside of mine and I would like it to stay there for a while.
I’m texting you this because I want to see you again. Because our generation has whittled interaction down into a series of superficial scripts that we exchange with one another on autopilot but I’m almost okay with the trivialities if they end up leading me to you. Because my phone’s charged and my heart’s full and I’m sick of all the tired, useless games we end up playing to disguise our admiration of each other. I am texting you because I want to. Because I want you here beside me, with your thoughts brimming and your breath heavy and your phone all forgotten and discarded.
I’m texting you this because I like you. And I’m hoping that you like me too.
3
The Truth About Meeting Someone At The Wrong Time
Timing is something that none of us can seem to get quite right with relationships. We meet the person of our dreams the month before they leave to go study abroad. We form an incredibly close friendship with an attractive person who is already taken. One relationship ends because our partner isn’t ready to get serious and another ends because they’re getting serious too soon.
“It would be perfect,” We moan to our friends, “If only this were five years from now/eight years sooner/some indistinct time in the future where all our problems would take care of themselves.” Timing seems to be the invariable third party in all of our relationships. And yet we never stop to consider why we let timing play such a drastic role in our lives.
Timing is a bitch, yes. But it’s only a bitch if we let it be. Here’s a simple truth that I think we all need to face up to: the people we meet at the wrong time are actually just the wrong people.
You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless. The right people make you want to throw away the plans you originally had for one and follow them into the hazy, unknown future without a glance backwards. The right people don’t make you hmm and haw about whether or not you want to be with them; you just know. You know that any adventure you had originally planned out for your future isn’t going to be half as incredible as the adventures you could have by their side. That no matter what you thought you wanted before, this is better. Everything is better since they came along.
When you are with the right person, time falls away. You don’t worry about fitting them into your complicated schedule, because they become a part of that schedule. They become the backbone of it. Your happiness becomes your priority and so long as they are contributing to it, you can work around the rest.
The right people don’t stand in the way of the things you once wanted and make you choose them over them. The right people encourage you: To try harder, dream bigger, do better. They bring out the most incredible parts of yourself and make you want to fight harder than ever before. The right people don’t impose limits on your time or your dreams or your abilities. They want to tackle those mountains with you, and they don’t care how much time it takes. With the right person, you have all of the time in the world.
The truth is, when we pass someone up because the timing is wrong, what we are really saying is that we don’t care to spend our time on that person. There will never be a magical time when everything falls into place and fixes all our broken relationships. But there may someday be a person who makes the issue of timing irrelevant.
Because when someone is right for us, we make the time to let them into our lives. And that kind of timing is always right.
4
Read This If You’re Worried That You’ll Never Find 'The One'
Imagine something crazy for me, quickly.
What if you peered into a fortune ball right now – this very second, today – and saw with indisputable clarity that you were never going to meet the love of your life?
That’s a sad thing that I’m asking you to think of, I’m aware. You’ve been hoping to meet “The One” for a while now – or at least someone half-decent who you can deal with for the rest of your life. I know, I know. You’re not fanciful like everyone else. You don’t believe in soul mates. But you were expecting to meet someone you liked a fair amount. Someone to curl up next to at the end of a long day, who would take care of you when you got sick and listen to your stories every evening after work. We all hope that. We’re human.
