The holiday escape, p.11
The Holiday Escape, page 11
On top of that stress, there was the exhaustion of being constantly on tenterhooks, trying to second guess whether Logan might or might not be in the vicinity when I needed to head over to check the rooms in the courtyard. I had seen him a couple of times – once on the beach and then coming out of the apartment – and both times I’d managed to dodge out of sight, but it was all making for an even more stressful summer than usual.
And there was planning my departure from the cove to think about now, too. I was still mulling over Flora’s plan to install a manager and attempting to rationalise my concerns about Dad’s mental and physical health.
I knew that Flora living in the cottage would help combat any potential feeling of loneliness Dad might experience during the autumn and winter and if I could talk him into regular check-ups, I would know he was physically fit, too. The manager would take on my work and I would be able to leave the bad and sad memories I associated with both the cottage and the cove behind and launch my dream career, guilt free, stress free, home free… right?
I was trying to comprehend why I was finding it so difficult to accept and embrace this ‘perfect plan’, when the sound of laughter met my ears as I made my way through the garden to take Dad a cup of tea one afternoon towards the end of the week.
As always, once he was working in the garden, Dad completely lost track of time and that day, I discovered, he wasn’t alone.
‘Well, I admire you,’ I heard someone say, and when I got close enough I realised it was Logan. ‘It sounds like an awful lot of work to me.’
‘It’s a huge amount of work,’ Dad confirmed, ‘but I wouldn’t have it any other way. Like I told you the other day, it’s all turned out exactly how my wife hoped it would.’
Clearly it wasn’t the first conversation the pair had had about the business and I wondered how much Dad had told Logan about Mum, and why. Perhaps they had gravitated towards discussing loved ones as a result of the reason behind Logan’s booking. I hoped I hadn’t come up, too.
I had told Logan that Dad owned Hollyhock Cottage and that I was here to help him out. However, I knew I had also said that I was here ‘for a bit’, making my presence sound like a temporary arrangement, rather than a permanent fixture. Dad would be absolutely flummoxed if Logan told him we’d met and I had said that.
‘Better than she hoped actually, thanks to my daughter, Ally.’ Dad carried on and my ears pricked up further, ‘She’s managed to find a way to enhance practically every idea her mum had and I’m so proud that there’s now such a wonderful legacy to leave her.’
I felt myself turn hot in the face of potential exposure. If Logan said the wrong thing now, I was going to have a hell of a lot of explaining to do.
‘Well,’ said Logan, his voice closer as he moved nearer to where I was hidden, ‘I’m sure you’ve got years before you need to start thinking about legacies, Geoff, but do bear in mind what happened to my uncle. He was literally here today, gone tomorrow.’
‘That was the same with my wife,’ Dad falteringly said.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ Logan apologised, sounding contrite. ‘That was insensitive of me.’
‘No, I’m sorry,’ said Dad. ‘I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. Given what happened to my Rose, I will slow down at some point. I won’t stop entirely though, not even when Ally takes the reins. I might have to find someone to give me a hand with the digging, though.’ He chuckled. ‘I daresay that’ll be a bit beyond me when I’m an old croc.’
‘Your daughter’s up for that, is she?’ Logan asked, making me sweat all the more. ‘Taking the reins full-time, I mean?’
He was just one comment away from letting slip that I’d already told him a very different story and his presence was feeling even more like a ticking time bomb.
‘Oh yes,’ said Dad, sounding certain, which was hardly surprising as I’d never given him cause to think otherwise. ‘This is the place for her.’
‘So, you won’t be selling up when you retire?’ Logan probed.
‘No chance.’ Dad chuckled again.
I held my breath, as Logan then said he’d better get on and my shoulders didn’t relax until his footsteps were out of earshot. I was going to have to tell him the truth behind my getaways and the sooner the better if I didn’t want Dad discovering how dissatisfied I was with my life in Kittiwake Cove because Logan had inadvertently said something he didn’t know he shouldn’t. For the first time, my deception felt close enough to bite me on the backside and it didn’t feel good, at all.
* * *
I headed down to the beach that evening with the intention of clearing my head and getting my ducks in a row. Kasuku was cussing as I set off. He had picked up on mine and Flora’s disharmony, and his language and behaviour had deteriorated as a result. If his manners hadn’t improved ahead of the guests arriving the next day, he was going to find himself with me in the loft and a blanket over his cage.
Thankfully, with it being light for so long each day, Dad was outside more often than he was in and his conversation and head was so full of successive sowings and harvesting schedules, that he hadn’t picked up on the prickly atmosphere.
I initially made for the rock, but then decided to sit out in the fading sun, next to the rockpools, which were teeming with life. There were no objections from any of the colourful inhabitants as I carefully slid a few bottles of beer to cool into the watery crystal-clear shallows.
It had been the solstice the day before and I usually spent the evening on the beach. I found the celebration cheering, as it meant the wheel of the year had turned again and the summer season was moving on, but the time had passed without me remembering it, such was the stress buzzing about in my head. I bet Flora hadn’t forgotten. Had we been talking, we would have celebrated together.
‘Mind if I join you?’
I jumped, then twisted around to find Logan nearby, barefoot and bare chested, but with a T-shirt flung over his shoulder, which he then pulled on.
‘Be my guest,’ I responded, trying not to watch. He was in even better shape than I remembered and I cursed the tug in my stomach the sight of him aroused. ‘But I was here before you,’ I pointed out, ‘so you can’t blame me for intruding.’
I knew I sounded put out, but his arrival was bewildering. Hadn’t he previously stated that he didn’t want to bump into me? That said, I supposed I could make the most of the opportunity to talk to him.
‘I haven’t seen you all week,’ he said, sitting next to me.
‘Well, that was the plan, wasn’t it?’ I reminded him. ‘I said I would stay out of your way and you said that was what you wanted.’
He nodded and looked out towards the sea.
‘And now I’ve ruined the effort you’d gone to by seeking you out,’ he said, his forehead etched with a frown.
‘Purposefully seeking me out?’ I questioned, shielding my eyes so I could look at him properly. ‘Is that what you’ve done?’
‘Yep,’ he confessed.
‘So much for me sticking to stealth mode,’ I tutted.
‘Yes, I’m sorry about that.’
‘It’s fine,’ I said, looking away. ‘And you shouldn’t be apologising, should you? Not when I’m the one who has been in the wrong since the moment we met. I was the one who ended up running out on you, remember?’
‘Oh yes,’ he said heavily, ‘I remember.’
‘I heard you talking to Dad in the garden earlier,’ I told him, wishing I hadn’t flagged my regrettable behaviour.
‘I had a feeling there was someone other than us out there.’
‘Impossible,’ I refuted. ‘I was in stealth mode, remember? Completely undetectable.’
That made him laugh and I noticed his gorgeous laughter lines. I’d bet he hadn’t smiled much of late. On the plane, he had mentioned that he had a huge and complicated work project lined up for the summer and now he had grief to contend with, too. I wondered if he would be working remotely, but didn’t ask given that he’d shut me down when I’d mentioned his reason for being in the cove before.
‘So, why were you looking for me?’ I asked. ‘I didn’t think you’d want to spend a second with me, unless you had to.’
‘Now I know you heard my conversation with your dad earlier,’ he said meaningfully, ‘I’m sure you can work that out.’
‘Thank you for not telling him that I’d told you I was only here for a bit when he started talking about legacies,’ I said, grateful. ‘And for not mentioning Barcelona, either.’
‘No need to thank me,’ he said, ‘but I would like to know what the deal is. I was still harbouring the illusion that you were only here temporarily and living abroad until I heard what your dad had to say. Not to mention when we were together before, that you had this amazing job interview lined up…’
‘I know,’ I sighed. ‘I know you were.’
‘Obviously, you told me about the different name thing, but there’s a lot more to it than that, isn’t there? It seems to me that you’re two completely different people, Ally.’
‘Well,’ I said, reaching into the rockpool and pulling out two beers, ‘I suppose, you’ve hit the nail on the head, because sometimes, I am.’
‘So, tell me then,’ Logan said, taking the bottle I offered him and twisting off the lid. ‘Who exactly are you, Ally?’
‘Where to start,’ I said, opening and gulping down half of my own beer.
‘Well, your dad told me that your mum died before the business was established and that you didn’t live here until after she passed,’ Logan quietly said. ‘And that told me you actually live here full-time, so why don’t you start by telling me how that came about and then we can get to why you made out your life was so different in Spain, after?’
‘Living here came about,’ I slowly said, already dreading the second part of the explanation, ‘as a result of a promise I made to my mum.’
‘A promise.’
‘Yes. I was here on a visit during a break from uni and she asked me to promise that if anything happened to her, I would move in and help Dad.’
‘Was she ill?’ Logan frowned. ‘Is that why she asked you?’
‘No,’ I said, ‘she wasn’t. She was perfectly healthy, or seemed to be and, I know this sounds terrible, but that was why I promised.’ I grimaced as I said it. ‘I agreed to what she asked because I never thought I’d have to see it through. She and Dad were so happy and content here and I’d been so ecstatic and enthusiastic about their plans for the business, that Mum mistakenly, but understandably, assumed that if something happened to her, then I’d be happy to take on her role.’
‘I see.’ Logan said, frowning as he took in what I was telling him in.
‘But the truth was,’ I carried on, ‘my excitement was born out of relief that I didn’t need to worry about their future. Then, when I came back the next time with a view to sharing what my post-graduation plans were, Mum had a massive heart attack and was suddenly gone.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ Logan said, sounding shocked. ‘That must have been terrifying.’
‘It was,’ I said, my breath shuddering. ‘Dad and I spent an entire year in a sort of freezeframe after it happened. We were both completely numb. It was Flora, who staged an intervention, along with her brother, Freddie. They helped us turn things around. Between us all, we slowly sorted the cottage, carried on with the courtyard conversion and got the business going.’
I would always be so grateful to the pair of them for that. Other people in the community had helped, but it was initially Flora and then Freddie who had done the most.
‘I can’t even begin to imagine what it must have been like to lose your mum like that.’ Logan frowned and I was surprised he’d said that, given that I’d heard him tell Dad that he had lost his uncle in a similar way.
‘It was the worst thing I’ve ever had to live through.’ I shivered.
‘And you moved here as a result of it,’ he surmised.
‘That’s right.’ I nodded. ‘I moved here and honoured the promise I’d made to Mum.’
‘But you don’t want to be here?’ Logan perceptively asked. ‘You never have?’
‘There are other places I’d rather be,’ I answered honestly.
‘So, why don’t you leave?’ He frowned. ‘The business is working and your dad’s a good guy. I’m certain he’d understand. Your post-grad plans must still be there for the—’
‘I know Dad’s a good guy,’ I interrupted, ‘but, as far as my plans are concerned, I’ve never mentioned them. He has no idea what they were, because he’s needed me here.’
‘But he doesn’t need you now, surely? Now things are working so well, you could leave and pursue them, couldn’t you?’
‘It’s not that simple,’ I said, drinking more beer – and despite the fact I was actually now working towards moving on. ‘There’s more to the situation than that.’
‘Such as?’
Dad getting sick, Dad feeling lonely, Dad dying and me not being here to save him… My head reeled off everything I was still working though, but I didn’t say any of it out loud because I knew it would probably sound irrational and absurd. It sometimes sounded that way to me too, but unfortunately not often enough for me to be able to dismiss it yet.
‘It’s complicated,’ I said instead. ‘I’d rather not talk about it.’
Logan looked exasperated.
‘So, tell me about Barcelona then,’ he said. ‘When we were in Spain, you told me that you had lived and worked abroad since you graduated, but as I now know you’ve been here with your dad the whole time, that can’t be true, can it?’
‘No,’ I said, briefly closing my eyes. ‘That’s not true.’
‘So, what’s the deal? What is the truth?’
I dug my fingers into the sand.
‘The truth is,’ I exhaled, ‘that trip to Barcelona was one of a few that came about as a result of a plan Flora and I came up with to save my sanity and convince Dad that I’m happy here, even though I’m not.’
Logan looked around at the beautiful beach as if he couldn’t believe his ears.
‘I never liked the cottage when I was growing up and had to come during the holidays while Mum and Dad worked,’ I elaborated, to help him understand. ‘And now there are also my memories of what happened to Mum here to contend with.’
‘Of course,’ he said, acknowledging my discontent. ‘So, this plan…’
‘The plan involved me getting away a couple of times a year and while I was gone, I…’
‘While you’re gone you what?’ Logan frowned.
I bit my lip, then reluctantly carried on.
‘While I was gone, I would pretend I was living the life I wanted. While I was off travelling, I would pretend that I worked in a museum, or gave tours of historic buildings, rather than being the person who actually changed beds and emptied bins.’
‘So, the career you told me about in Barcelona was completely made up?’
‘Yes,’ I confirmed, ‘and the interview wasn’t real either.’
‘There was no interview?’
‘No,’ I said, spelling it out as simply as I could. ‘It was all a part of the role I was playing as were my smart clothes and chic lifestyle.’
‘And your name?’
‘Yes.’ I nodded. ‘My name, too. I know it probably sounds ridiculous, but it used to help. The memories I came back with would carry me through the rest of the year and give me something fun to think about until it was time for me to go again.’
‘So,’ Logan said hoarsely, ‘absolutely none of our time together was real. Along with there being no interview, there really was no glamourous life abroad either. It was all a lie.’
It sounded awful, but that was the crux of it.
‘Yes,’ I confirmed, looking down at my T-shirt and shorts. ‘None of it was real. Not even the way I looked when we first met.’
‘And I just happened to be… what?’ Logan spluttered. ‘A random hook-up, enlisted and tricked into scratching your itch to provide you with something to look back on while you survived another season in the cove?’
‘Oh God,’ I groaned. ‘Yes. Yes, that’s exactly what you were supposed to be, but it didn’t work out like that, did it?’
‘Why not?’
‘Because you were different, Logan.’ I couldn’t believe I finally had the chance to tell him and hoped I wasn’t about to mess it up. ‘That connection between us you said you felt, I felt it too and before I realised it, I’d dropped the pretence. Our time together meant every bit as much to me as it did to you. You were a million miles away from a random hook-up.’
‘And yet you still left,’ he said bluntly. ‘You felt all that and you still ran out on me.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ I said, feeling ashamed all over again. ‘The day I disappeared; I realised the trip had turned into something I hadn’t been prepared for and I got scared, but I’ve regretted leaving you every day since and I’ve been desperately hoping you didn’t feel what I felt. I haven’t told anyone what happened. Not even Flora. I said I met someone, but not that I’d…’
I cut the words off before I went too far and said too much.
‘But I did feel what you felt, Ally,’ Logan said passionately. ‘I felt every bit of it.’
‘I know,’ I said. ‘I know that now.’
We sat in silence for a couple of minutes.
‘So, what now?’ Logan finally asked. ‘You’re working another season here and planning your next trip?’
‘No,’ I said vehemently. ‘No more trips.’
‘Your poor Dad,’ he said, shaking his head. ‘He hasn’t got a clue, has he?’
‘I resorted to doing this, so I didn’t hurt him,’ I choked, as tears started to prick my eyes. ‘I’ve been trying to carve out a life that would keep us both happy and him safe.’
‘Oh, I know,’ Logan quickly said, sounding torn, ‘but it’s a lot for me to process. Far more than I’ve been imagining these last few months. I’m now trying to get my head around the fact that there’s no part of the woman I spent those few incredible days with that actually exists. I don’t know you, Ally, do I? I have no idea who you really are.’
