The diary of a secret ro.., p.16
The Diary of a Secret Royal, page 16
‘Thank you, Arslan,’ I said. ‘You can go now.’
‘Right, I’m opening the new fruit machine area at Blyth Services. When is the next one of these?’ asked Charles.
‘Tomorrow afternoon, Sir.’
‘I’ll see you then. Although I think we might have found our man, don’t you?’ he winked.
Wednesday, 23 November 2022
Custodian of the Qatari Bags of Cash. Interview Two.
Panel
Fenton Footlicker – Chamberlain of the NDAs
Iain with an ‘i’ – Warden of the Swans
Janine off reception – female presence
Charles – King
Candidate
Shelley Wilkinson – Nadhim Zahawi’s former accountant
‘Sir, this is Shelley Wilkinson. She has a background in accounting and has previously worked in a high-profile job as Nadhim Zahawi’s accountant. Shelley, this is King Charles.’
‘Good afternoon, Sir.’
‘Shelley. With a name like that I’m presuming you must be working class?’ said the King.
‘Well, my mother was a bank manager and my father ran an IT procurement firm, and we lived in a six-bed detached house in Chelmsford and I went to a private fee-paying school called Denstone.’
‘So yes, you’ve done it the hard way. I appreciate that. It really is good for those of us born with silver spoons in our mouths to work with people from all walks of life.’
We asked Shelley the same generic questions as Arslan, then progressed to Charles’s hypothetical.
‘Sir, I would wait until I was certain you were deliberately avoiding eye contact, and then I’d pick up the bags and take them to a prearranged location that has never been directly disclosed by you to me and then I’d hand them over to whoever takes receipt of these things by saying something like “the prince’s shopping”. Then I would go and take care of an innocuous task, like making sure your horses’ stables are adequately heated using taxpayers’ money, and never talk to you about it again.’
‘Shelley, thank you,’ said Charles. ‘You really are testament to the meritocracy that is Great Britain. To rise from such humble origins to work for a chancellor, and then interview so well for a king. The pleasure is all mine.’
She curtsied and left.
‘We’ve found our new Custodian, Fenton,’ said Charles. ‘Make it happen.’
Thursday, 24 November 2022
Meghan has joined Harry in the UK for the Royal Variety Performance.
Harry didn’t want to go, but when Meghan heard that Britain’s Got Talent series three finalists Stavros Flatley were taking part, she wouldn’t take no for an answer.
It is all very well saying you don’t want to take part in royal life, but it’s interesting how soon principles fold when the tantalising carrot of a British-Greek Cypriot father–son dance duo is dangled in front of you.
Friday, 25 November 2022
Royal Variety Performance
The King led the way into the Albert Hall. Onlookers were deeply touched to see William and Harry comforting their father as he fought back the tears during the national anthem.
Everyone presumed they were for his absent mum, but in reality it was the completely normal reaction of a man who was about to spend three hours watching Clean Bandit, David Baddiel and Gary Barlow.
Saturday, 26 November 2022
It turns out the Sussexes weren’t just in town to watch Bradley Walsh after all.
Their Netflix documentary comes out next week too.
Sunday, 27 November 2022
To take his mind off his little brother’s incessant limelight hogging, the Prince of Wales hosted an England versus Wales World Cup viewing party at Kensington Palace tonight.
It was an excellent do, with wall-to-wall St George bunting, inflatable sheep and Guy Pelly dressed as a Knight Templar.
I must admit, with my professional NDA hat on, my heart sank when I heard about it.
But other than some hearty renditions of ‘Sheep, sheep, sheep shaggers’, starting on a Deliveroo driver from Somalia because they thought he had a Welsh accent, and prank-calling Tom Jones to call him a ‘taffy fuck’, it was relatively quiet.
Monday, 28 November 2022
The Custodian of the Qatari Bags of Cash maternity cover has failed her security checks.
MI5 say Shelley has been active with a proscribed sound system called RedTek who go around organising illegal raves that convert kids to communism via drugs.
The King says he doesn’t care, she interviewed well, and he needs a bag handler ASAP.
Tuesday, 29 November 2022
Camilla hosted a reception at the Palace with the Queen’s old handmaid Lady Hussey today.
At one point I wandered through to get some printer paper from the store cupboard and overheard Lady Hussey repeatedly asking Ngozi Fulani, the founder of a charity that advocates for victims of domestic abuse, where she was ‘actually from’.
It was exactly the sort of hectoring tone you’d use on, say, a white CEO of a domestic-abuse charity if you were demanding to know where she was from.
Wednesday 30 November 2022
Ms Fulani has made a public allegation of racism against Lady Hussey by publishing a transcript of the conversation that occurred.
There has been an outcry in the outside world from people saying that Ms Fulani shouldn’t have to justify herself in response to questions that wouldn’t have been directed at a white person.
The media seem overly excited about it too, so I’ve had to spend the day writing a statement about our values, which should put to bed any questions about racism in a workplace that still had a ban on ‘coloured immigrants’ in my lifetime.
‘Did we ever find out where she was from?’ asked the King as he signed it off.
December 2022
Thursday, 1 December 2022
The King has asked the Astrologer Royal to help resolve the Lady Hussey situation by giving him a reading using her UKIP tarot cards.
Sadly, when asked if the Royal Family had a problem with ingrained racism, she turned over The Racist card – a picture of Nigel Farage on a clifftop – and the King has had no option but to sack Lady Hussey.
I do not understand how people can think an organisation built on the superiority of its bloodline could be perceived as racist.
Friday, 2 December 2022
Lady Hussey was a well-liked member of staff, and the media in this country are race-baiters, so several stories have now emerged which accuse Ms Fulani of entrapping Lady Hussey by being black.
I asked the King what he thought: ‘Do you think Ms Fulani was playing the race card, Your Majesty?’
‘No, that was Michaela.’
Saturday, 3 December 2022
The plumbing at Buckingham Palace is blocked.
The fiercely independent Queen always flushed the toilet herself, but Charles has been expecting the Groom of the Stool to do it for him, misunderstanding that the Groom is responsible for washing and dressing assistance, not flushing regal pancrackers.
The Groom, Ross Trappings, was understandably reluctant to do this, so I intervened earlier today and flushed it for him. Alas, a week’s worth of royal soil was too much for our ancient pipes, and they are now blocked.
Embarrassed, and still not quite understanding what happened, Charles then sacked Ross Trappings.
Thus, an ancient job has been voided. Which is exactly what got us into the predicament in the first place.
Sunday, 4 December 2022
Having been thinking about accidental fires of late, I used my monthly day off to locate this thrilling account, from Fenton Pepys, Chamberlain of NDAs to Charles II, of the Great Fire of London.
(Lord’s day.) Returned late from my pretty wench’s flat on Pudding Lane after buying her a new Tefal chip pan and to bed, but some of our mayds sitting up to get things ready against the investitures to-day, called us up about three in the morning, to tell of a great fire they saw in the City.
Being unused to such fires as followed, I thought it far enough off; and so went to bed again and to sleep. About seven rose again to dress myself, and by and by I walked to the Tower, to the Lieutenant of the Tower, who tells me that it begun this morning in Pudding Lane and that it hath burned St. Magnus’s Church and most part of Fish-street already, and I did begin to wonder if we had switched the new chip pan off.
Then to waterside, and there got a boat and there saw a lamentable fire, everybody endeavouring to remove their goods, and flinging into the river or bringing them into lighters that lay off; poor people staying in their houses as long as till the very fire touched them. And among other things, the poor pigeons, I perceive, were loth to leave their houses, but hovered about the windows and balconys till they were, some of them burned, their wings, and fell down, and every creature coming away loaden with goods to save, and here and there sicke people carried away in beds. And I did tell the King what I saw, and that it definitely hadn’t started with a chip pan, and he commanded me to go to my Lord Mayor from him, and command him to spare no houses, but to pull down before the fire every way.
At last met my Lord Mayor in Canning Street like a man spent, with a handkercher about his neck and we saw the fire as only one entire arch of fire from this to the other side the bridge, to the King’s message he cried, like a fainting woman, ‘Lord! What can I do? I am spent: people will not obey me. I have been pulling down houses; but the fire overtakes us faster than we can do it. Fenton: I need your help for I must go and refresh myself, having been up all night.’
But I spake that I could not because I needed to get to an ale-house on the Bankside, the Arsonist and Firkin, for a pint, and there I staid till it was dark almost, and saw the fire grow; and, as it grew darker, appeared more and more, as far as we could see up the hill of the City, in a most horrid malicious bloody flame, not like the fine flame of an ordinary fire, and I did wonder at my new chip pan and concluding that I probably had left it on, decided to issue NDA upon myself, that I may never speak of this to anyone.
Monday, 5 December 2022
Dennis Expansion-Valve, the Royal Plumber, is in with his team to fix the palace bathrooms.
The place is in turmoil, due in no small part to the large number of working-class people we have here at the same time.
They are everywhere, talking loudly, trampling dirt into the carpets, speaking with glottal stops, leaving red tops lying around and eating pasties for lunch.
They pilloried one of our housekeepers so hard for eating an apple that everyone has taken to eating fruit in their cars.
Tuesday, 6 December 2022
Prince Andrew has lost four corgis since he took over the role of Royal Groomer. Another one escaped today and had to be put down after it savaged Iain with an ‘i’’s second-best swan.
Wednesday, 7 December 2022
Prince Charles has called Prince Andrew in to discuss the corgi situation.
‘Brother mine, of the sixteen dogs you were tasked with looking after, there are only twelve remaining. You’re losing a dog a fortnight. What would Mama have said?’
‘It is very difficult work, Charles. It is far more complex than being a king.’
‘I am not as inclined to being as lenient as Mama was. Worn hears that in the wider world, people who hang around with convicted traffickers tend not to be well liked.’
‘Worn thinks that’s a myth,’ said Andrew.
‘Maybe. But this family is piled deep with talent. I wouldn’t have to look very far to find another Saxe-Coburg with the ability to walk dogs and occasionally pick up their turds.’
‘But Charles—’
‘Worn has said all worn is going to say on the subject. You may get orf your knees now.’
Thursday, 8 December 2022
Busy morning. Dennis called me in to say that the problem with the blocked toilets is worse than expected and there seems to be some serious subsidence occurring beneath the Palace.
I told him we didn’t have time to deal with it right now, as the Sussex’s Netflix documentary comes out tomorrow, and we need to spend the afternoon briefing against them.
He said that this was fine because his team are intrinsically lazy and it’s a big job.
Friday, 9 December 2022
Sighs of relief all round. The Netflix documentary is just the tedious ramblings of a pair of fundamentally dull people. The only striking thing about them in the context of the Royal Family is that they appear to genuinely love each other.
There were some spicy details, Harry talking about how ‘terrifying’ it was to have William shout and scream at him during the Sandringham Megxit summit, and lighter ones, like when the couple mocked the size of their free house, Nottingham Cottage, because it had low ceilings.
Nonetheless, the hardcore supporters have gone to war, pulling out and clipping short segments of the couple describing etiquette protocol around curtseying to the Queen, to try to make it sound like they hated her.
Saturday, 10 December 2022
England have been knocked out of the World Cup by France. The King is furious that we have lost to a republic, particularly after Emmanuel Macron texted him a guillotine emoji.
In better news, Harry and Meghan are getting battered for their Netflix documentary.
Sunday, 11 December 2022
Shelley, the maternity cover for the Custodian of the Qatari Bags of Cash, who failed her security clearance, starts tomorrow.
I spent the afternoon doing the usual housekeeping: bugging her room, tapping her phone, sewing trackers into every item of her uniform. As a hobbyist stalker, it’s a routine I’ve been through a hundred times before.
But this was the first time anyone has asked me to do it first.
Monday, 12 December 2022
After a weekend of getting crucified by our patriotic, non-taxpaying, almost entirely offshore-owned media, Harry and Meghan have issued a press release:
It is with hearts full of sadness that we have decided to leave California and return to the UK.
Seeing our Netflix documentary get torn to shreds by Dan Wootton, Darren Grimes, Sarah Vine and Piers Morgan has reminded us that being routinely savaged in the media is a privilege nobody has the right to reject.
We tried to tell a story of our love for each other. But all we seem to have done is remind people that Meghan is mixed-race.
We apologise unreservedly for this.
We have been working hard for well over a year to see what might have been possible for us outside of the Royal Family, and can only conclude that what we actually need to do is return to the country whose media were complicit in Harry’s mother’s death, to live out the rest of our lives under the same merciless glare of their spotlight.
In the new year we will return to live a low-key and diligent life of duty and service in the UK.
We are parents first and foremost, to two incredibly wonderful children, and we ask that their, and our, space and privacy are not respected at this difficult time. We hope that as we consciously uncouple from California, we will be able to continue to be pursued, pressed, hectored and hounded in the same manner.
They messaged separately to ask me to put a stop to the publication of Harry’s warts-and-all biography Spare. I told them that wouldn’t be a problem.
The King is over the moon. He thinks this will presage a new dawn for the monarchy.
Tuesday, 13 December 2022
To capitalise on the national goodwill that Harry and Meghan have generated by apologising for not wanting the press to intrude on every aspect of their lives, Charles has got me ringing around our patriotic supporters, asking what they might like to donate to his big day.
I didn’t do very well at first. All I got was David Mellor offering a Chelsea shirt and Ray Winstone a signed VHS copy of Nil by Mouth.
But then I tried a bit further afield and caught the Pope on his way out to an Anthrax concert, who very kindly pledged to donate two pieces of the original cross and a pre-blessed Toblerone.
Wednesday, 14 December 2022
Dennis Expansion-Valve and his team finished up the plumbing today.
He explained that they had really milked the work and, where possible, cut corners and bodged, but that if we were lucky the outflow pipes might work until Christmas, possibly beyond. He also said that the subsidence problem looks very serious and we shouldn’t be ignoring it, but that, personally, he couldn’t care less, as it would be a really difficult one.
Thursday, 15 December 2022
King Charles and Rishi have taken to holding their weekly meetings on a pair of Segways.
I ran into them earlier, zooming around the Palace discussing the blight of benefit fraud and sharing tax-evasion techniques.
I am in his good books at the moment.
He is thrilled with the original cross fragments, says we can march the army behind them when the time comes, and is over the moon with Shelley. She has already handled two very sensitive drops.
Friday, 16 December 2022
Eugenie is pregnant.
The King is angry and thinks she’s done it to upstage his Coronation and has sent around an edict on the family WhatsApp stating that nobody else is allowed to have sex between now and 7 May.
Further to which, he has decreed that Eugenie and her husband Jack Brooksbank, a member of the family so nondescript that Edward calls him the human equivalent of beige, must move into Nottingham Cottage, the Firm’s low-beamed punishment house.
