Inside darkness, p.22
Inside Darkness, page 22
“What do you mean?” His heart raced under Ty’s scrutiny. There was no way Ty could miss the nervousness and fear pouring out of every cell.
“Cam.” Ty cocked his head. “Come on. I know you better than that. What’s going on?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Ty sighed and drew his hands back. Cam almost reached out to stop him.
“Listen, I’ve been thinking about getting rid of my place,” Ty said.
“Uh-huh?”
Ty pinned him with a look. “And moving in with you. I mean, if that’s okay with you. We could get a bigger place. Maybe that way Busker won’t keep walking into things. Something with a patio or backyard so you don’t stink up the apartment with your smoking?”
Cam understood every word Ty had said, but strung together, they didn’t make much sense. “You want to move in?”
Ty smiled. “Yeah, that’s what I said.”
“But why?”
“Well, I never go back to my apartment anymore. And I know you’re getting better, but you’re still going to have physical therapy for a while, and I can help with that.”
Those were all good reasons, and yet none of them sounded very compelling to Cam. His disappointment must have shown, because Ty grasped his hand and squeezed.
“And because I love you, dumbass.”
That was the reason Cam had been waiting for, though hearing it for the first time was so startling, he couldn’t quite process the sounds. “What?”
“I love you.”
Cam blinked and the words sunk in. “Oh.”
Ty’s eyebrows shot up. “‘Oh’? That’s it? I tell you I love you and that’s all you have to say?”
“Um . . .” Something weird was happening. His heart felt big and growing, but fragile and delicate. “But, why?”
“Why?” Ty let out a dry chuckle. “You’re going to make me spell it out for you?”
Cam stared because yes, he needed Ty to spell it out for him.
Ty leaned forward in his seat, expression intent. “Cameron Donnelly, you are the most difficult and frustrating person sometimes. One minute hot, the next minute cold. I never quite know which version of you I’m going to get.”
A frown creased Cam’s forehead—none of those were lovable qualities.
“But some things never change with you: your unwavering sense of responsibility, your determination to fight when everyone else tells you to give up. The way you open yourself up and invite me in—no one’s done that for me before, no one’s made me feel like I’m a part of something.”
His heart was going to burst out of his chest. Ty must have been talking about someone who was a lot more put together than he was, someone who knew what the hell he was doing. It wasn’t so much that he drew Ty in as one look from Ty had all his armor falling off and all the garbage inside spilling out—dirty and damaged, laid out in plain sight. And yet, Ty was still here, saying he loved him.
“I love you too.” It was like speaking a foreign language, his tongue and lips moving around the unfamiliar sounds, knowing in his head what the words meant, but not fully understanding their meaning.
A grin was plastered on Ty’s face, but he didn’t say anything.
“I love you,” Cam repeated. It was less weird this time, more like a statement of fact, like saying the sky was blue. He reached across the table, ignoring the slight pull on his back, and closed his fingers around Ty’s hand where it lay on the table. “I love you.”
He pulled Ty toward him and caught Ty around the back of his neck. The kiss was soft and gentle at first, then hungrier and more desperate as his body came alive for the first time in a long time. He broke off the kiss only because of the yawn that overtook him.
“Glad to know I’m so entertaining,” Ty said, their foreheads still leaning against each other.
“Sorry.” He clung to what he could reach of Ty, not wanting to let go in case it was all a bad nightmare and he’d wake up alone.
Ty chuckled. “Tired? Should we get you to bed?” He tried to push back his chair, but Cam pulled him to a stop. “Hey, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, remember? Let’s get you to bed.”
“Come with me.” God, he was such a child, begging Ty not to leave him.
“Sure,” Ty said with his grin.
Cam reluctantly let him go and then did the awkward shift and push to move his chair away from the table. Busker wandered off to lie on the floor. He planted both hands firmly on the table and hoisted himself to standing, hopping on one foot until he caught his balance. That move was getting easier with each day, but it still gave Cam a bit of a head rush. When his head stopped spinning, he took the crutches Ty held out for him and swiveled toward the bedroom.
He could mostly maneuver without Ty’s help now, but the hand Ty kept on his back was comforting and safe. He dropped himself down onto the bed with a grimace, his back throbbing at the sudden jolt, then handed off the crutches to Ty.
“You okay?” Ty stashed his crutches and pulled at the covers with quick efficient tugs.
“Yeah.” Cam shifted until he was snuggled down in a position that didn’t aggravate his injuries. With his eyes, he followed Ty as he moved around the bed, admiring that simple confidence that had first drawn Cam to him. When Ty climbed up next to him, Cam reached for him, needing to reassure himself that Ty was actually here, in the flesh.
Ty chuckled as Cam pulled him in for a kiss, no finesse, no tact. Simply a press of lips together and bodies imperfectly aligned. Despite having been physically home for weeks, Cam finally felt at home in that moment. Ty made his heart soar, set his body alight, and was a balm for his damaged soul. He didn’t know what good he’d done to deserve this, but he would hold on to Ty if it was the last thing he did.
Need curled in his gut, made more potent by the love they shared. He yearned for something to seal the pact they’d made with their words. He trailed a hand down Ty’s chest and stomach, landing right between his waist and hip. “Please, Ty, I need you.”
Ty’s eyes narrowed and his lips parted in a silent gasp, but he held himself aloft. “I don’t think you should be overexerting yourself like that.”
Cam tried to tug him closer. “Please?”
Ty paused for a moment. “I’ve got a better idea.”
It was Cam’s turn to gasp when Ty reached for the drawstring of his sweats, Ty’s breath warm where it blew across his stomach. Cam let his hands linger on whatever body part was within reach—Ty’s hair, shoulders, back—and his cock quickly filled as Ty’s long fingers wrapped around it.
“Is this okay?” Ty asked.
It was more than okay. It was everything. “Yes,” Cam said shakily, the sight of Ty bent over his lap igniting a riot of emotions.
Cam wasn’t fully hard yet when Ty’s lips closed around his cock. Growing harder inside the wet heat of Ty’s mouth felt so right, like Ty was the master of his desire and could tease it out of Cam at will.
But this was no ordinary blowjob. Ty locked eyes with Cam as his tongue worked back and forth. Fingers fondled Cam’s heavy balls, squeezing right when Cam needed a little more. The physical pleasure was exquisite, but the emotional connection was his undoing. Ty’s eyes never left his, and Cam didn’t let himself blink.
Ty snuck a hand under Cam’s T-shirt, sliding across his skin until they skimmed over a nipple and pinched. Cam wanted to arch up into the touch, to buck into Ty’s mouth, but the cast on his leg and the stitches in his back forced him to lie prone and take whatever Ty gave him. Cam reached under his shirt and found Ty’s hand, twining their fingers together over his heart.
He didn’t last long, his body yearning for release and his heart bursting with all the love he never thought he’d ever experience. When his orgasm came, it was a slow rise from deep in his gut, spreading through every cell of his body until everything was filled with a glowing light. And through it all, he never lost sight of Ty.
Through barely open eyes, he watched Ty clean him up and tuck him back into his sweats. The kiss Ty gave him was sweet; Cam couldn’t do any more even though he wanted to. Ty settled down, pressed against his side, and rubbed their cheeks together. The feeling of Ty’s smooth skin against the hairs of his beard was warm and comforting.
He fought the unconsciousness, wanting to bask in the moment forever, but the pull was too strong. With the last of his strength, he wrapped his arms around Ty and murmured, “I love you.”
A few rays of sunshine shone through the window, brightening the office with natural light. The plant Cam had thought was fake turned out to be real—he had rubbed a leaf in between his fingers to check during his last appointment. Colorful paintings he hadn’t noticed in previous visits popped against the soft-gray walls.
“How have you been sleeping?” Dr. Brown took her seat opposite Cam.
Cam thought for a moment. “I still have nightmares, if that’s what you mean. But I’m sleeping more than I used to.”
“The same nightmares?”
“Similar,” he said with a frown. “Now there’s an armored vehicle in it.”
Dr. Brown nodded, her fingers steepled. “That makes sense.”
“So how do I get them to stop?”
She cocked her head. “You ask that every week.”
“Because you never give me a satisfactory answer.”
“And I’m going to give you the same answer as I have before.” She dropped her hands to her lap, fingers playing with a pen. “You can’t make the dreams stop, you can only control what you do when you have one.”
Cam nodded, unsure if he should confess what was on his lips. “Ty helps a lot with that.”
“After you wake up from a dream?”
“Yeah, it’s nice to have him there. Like a solid thing to hold on to. He talks me through it usually.” A grin tugged at his lips. “And when he’s not there, Busker’s a pretty good substitute.”
“Your dog can talk to you?” Dr. Brown’s smile was teasing.
Cam laughed. “You know what I mean.”
“What was that about when Ty’s not there? I thought you two moved in together.”
“We did. But with his new job, he’s working all hours. And sometimes they shoot on location somewhere, so he’s taken a couple of overnight trips.”
“And how has that been? Him being busy and not at home?”
Cam paused again. He didn’t love it, but he didn’t begrudge Ty one second of it. Not when Ty crawled into bed in the wee hours of the morning with an exhausted grin on his face. “I’m okay. He loves it, so I’m happy. We make it work.”
Dr. Brown nodded and flipped back through her notes. “You mentioned last week that you were going to visit his mother’s gravesite and that you were nervous about it. How did that go?”
Cam took a deep breath and sighed. “Better than I expected.”
It had been her birthday, and Ty had asked Cam to go with him, so they’d driven out to New Jersey, stopping at a florist along the way. Ty had been silent during the entire drive, turning in on himself like Cam had never seen before. Suddenly, he was the chatty one, trying to lighten the mood, and it was strangely nice to be on the other side of that dynamic. “I felt like I was actually going to meet her. But it didn’t end up as awkward as I thought it was going to be.”
The gravesite was simple but well kept, and Ty had bought roses, saying that her perfume had always smelled like them. He had kneeled in front of the grave, with one hand on the tombstone, and Cam had immediately pictured a little eight-year-old Ty struggling to understand what it meant to be alone in the world. He vowed in that moment that he would do everything in his power—even if he was a fucked-up, damaged mess—to make sure Ty would never be alone again.
“And your work?” Dr. Brown continued, scanning her notes. “You went back last week?”
Cam blinked as he refocused on her question. “Yeah.” He grimaced. “That hasn’t gone as smoothly. Everyone’s treating me with kid gloves.”
“That’s to be expected.”
“Well, it’s annoying as fuck.”
She nodded. “You need to be upfront about what you need from them. You can’t expect them to know. If you need more engagement or more space, whatever it is, make sure you communicate that to them.”
That sounded nice, but Cam wasn’t optimistic. Knowing what to do didn’t make doing it any easier.
“And your darkness? How often is it making an appearance?”
Cam shrugged. “It’s always there, sometimes more prominently than others. More often at work than at home.”
“Do you still feel like escaping into it?” She scribbled something down as she spoke.
He cocked his head as he thought through it. “Sometimes, but not as often as before.”
“What about the anger?”
That was the new urge he’d picked up after the bombing. After Dr. Brown had diagnosed it, suddenly all his blowing up at Ty had made more sense. “Again, comes and goes. Ty seems to end up taking the brunt of it.”
“That’s normal too,” she said with a nod. “You’re around him most often, and you’re most comfortable with him, so your filter is going to be the thinnest with him. When you get angry around people you’re less comfortable with, you’ll naturally try to temper the anger. Have you guys talked about it?”
“Yeah, he gets it. It’s still hard though. We get into shouting matches about once a week.” Cam rubbed his fingers along his brow. He didn’t need to mention how the makeup sex took the sting out of their fights.
“It’s important to keep talking about it, especially after an argument. Once you’ve both calmed down, you should go back over what made you upset. See if you can identify the trigger and work through what a more appropriate response should be.”
“Sure, okay.” That didn’t sound as fun as having makeup sex.
“Good. You’re making good progress, Cam.” She raised a questioning eyebrow. “How do you feel about where you’re at?”
He took a moment to inventory himself: he still had the nightmares, though they were less frequent; it was difficult to concentrate at work sometimes; he was finally putting on weight; and the mental exercises were helping with his triggers. “Okay, I suppose. Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter what I think. It matters how you feel. We can go over some other exercises next week if you’d like. But unless you had something else you wanted to discuss, I think that’s our time for this week.”
“Thanks, doc.” Cam grabbed his cane and used it to hoist himself out of the armchair. There was only the slightest twinge in his back now, and the cast on his leg had come off a few weeks ago.
“You’re going to physical therapy?” Dr. Brown asked as Cam hobbled his way to the door on his cane.
“Yeah. It’s a pain.” Cam reached the doorjamb and steadied himself.
“Take it slow. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” She held the door open as he shuffled through.
“Will do. Thanks, doc. See you next week.” Cam called for the elevator and then tapped his cane against the floor as he rode the tiny box down to the first floor. When the door opened, he let out the breath he’d held during the ride and found Ty standing there, looking as gorgeous as he had that first time Cam had seen him in Kenya.
“Hey, stranger.” Ty’s lips curled up in that sexy, smoldering grin. “I was about to come find you.”
Cam stumbled forward and let himself fall against Ty, a smile spreading across his own lips at the feeling of Ty’s arms coming around him. “Hey. I told you not to wait around for me.”
“Yeah, but then who would get you these?” Ty held up a new package of cigarettes, and Cam groaned in appreciation. “See? You can never say I don’t love you when I notice when you’ve sucked through your last cigarette.”
“Thank you.” He tried to snatch the package out of Ty’s fingers, but Ty was too fast, hiding them behind his back where Cam couldn’t reach while he leaned on his cane.
“Nope, what’s the password?” Ty looked pleased with himself and cocky as hell.
Cam glared but the smile stayed on his lips. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
The kiss they shared in front of the elevator stole Cam’s breath away. When they broke apart, he’d almost forgotten about the cigarettes. As they planted lingering kisses on each other’s mouth, Cam eased his hand along Ty’s hip, reached forward and grabbed the package before Ty could wrench it away. With his prize in possession, Cam made a beeline for the door, not caring that Ty was hot on his heels. Because he knew that no matter where he ran, Ty would always catch him and bring him home.
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In a previous life, I worked in the field as an aid worker, and though I wasn’t a lifer like Cam, my experience left a profound and lasting impact on me. International development and humanitarian aid is challenging and complex—sometimes the best of intentions cannot mitigate negative consequences. I hope I was able to provide a brief glimpse into what it can be like to work in the field.
