Everything i have always.., p.1
Everything I Have Always Forgotten, page 1
Everything
I Have Always Forgotten
OWAIN HUGHES
Everything
I Have Always Forgotten
Seren is the book imprint of
Poetry Wales Press Ltd.
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The right of Owain Hughes to be identified as the editor of this work has been asserted in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act, 1988.
© Copyright Owain Hughes, 2013
ISBN 978-1-78172-099-8
Mobi 978-1-78172-100-1
Epub 978-1-78172-101-8
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CONTENTS
Introduction
PART I – THE BEGINNING
I
Leftovers of the 1920s
II
The First Winters
III
Home
IV
The House
V
Fireside Tales
VI
Postwar Survival / Babysitters
VII
Granny Cadogan
VIII
Nice Sicilian Murderer
IX
Berserk Jeep Hits London
X
Dylan
XI
Back to W.W.II
XII
Haven with a Spy
XIII
Rain, Sex, School
XIV
Misty Mountain
XV
Mountains and Guns
XVI
The Sailing Bug
XVII
Now Hooked on Sailing
XVIII
Pony Trekking
XIX
A Shepherd Swims
XX
My Very Own Trip
XXI
Courting Death on Cliffs
PART II – THE JOURNEY
XXII
The Flying Dutchman
XXIII
The Journey Begins
XXIV
The Journey Blessed
XXV
Into the Wild
XXVI
Merlin and Other Wizards
XXVII
Passage To Bardsey
XXVIII
Storm Bound
XXIX
Home At Last
Afterword
INTRODUCTION
As Mother lay dying, crippled by pain and humiliated by incapacity, I asked her if she was worried about me when I walked to Bardsey Island with my school friend Alan, at the age of eleven. She closed her eyes and scrunched up her deeply lined face with concentrated thought. After a while, without opening her eyes, she said only: “I forget” and her face relaxed again, relieved not to have to try to remember any more. I had waited too long to ask. The smell of aseptic old people’s home flooded back over my old memories of young health and strength, hiking in those clean mountains, now that I was forty…
Rarely do I talk of, or seek to remember, my childhood. Those who knew my circumstances say that it must have been ‘idyllic’, but childhood is often pain and simple sadness. It is lost, as if shrouded in the clouds that hang about the summits of mountains. From time to time, those clouds may be rent with a tear, opening up a view of the landscape, oh so far, far below – or showing in this simile, just for one moment in time, a brief historical vignette. These are some such brief glimpses through the clouds that I shall try to show you, piece by piece. Perhaps they are not special, but they are mine. Though some of what I relate derives from the tales of others, even some of my own, I confess that many may be apocryphal – but what would be the interest in two people telling the same story? It would be mere repetition worthy of a parrot or a tape-recorder, not a large and creative family.
Bardsey was my first self-motivated trip in 1955. Of course, by then I had travelled by train alone to school, starting at the age of seven, but that was not my choice. Neither was the expedition which my youngest sister and I undertook on horseback. The true revelation came when I decided where I wanted to go. When I walked to Bardsey, financing the trip myself… that was the real beginning of my life. That led to 1963 (aged nineteen), when I walked and hitchhiked to the south of Iran, then across the Sahara, from Mauritania to Egypt. These were true expressions of choice. As politics have panned out, many of those trips could hardly be made today, as I made them then: with a backpack, a sleeping bag, a notebook and phrasebooks of Farsi, Arabic, Turkish and Greek. The trip to Bardsey was the last time I ever brought a tent. A tent is too great an advertisement of where one is sleeping. Of course, being eleven years old, Alan and I were insouciant, totally unaware of risk from other human beings. We were accustomed to the kindness and sharing that had sprung from the common suffering of the appalling Second World War. The war in which everyone was defeated except the Americans. Later I was to learn that better by far is to creep into the shelter of a bridge or unused drainage pipe after dark and there to simply slip into the sleeping bag, to rest unbeknownst to the world in general and the local populace in particular. Oh yes, Alan and I certainly respected cliffs, tides and heavy storms at altitude or at sea – but ‘Evil-Doers’ were not in our lexicon, as they surely would be today.
As for training my Parents to allow me such liberty, it seemed to come to them quite naturally and, besides, I was the fifth child so I have my older siblings to thank for laying the groundwork, for raising our Parents so well and so liberally…
Before I could walk and climb, I had to crawl, so I quote the bard, Mr Thomas: “Let us begin at the beginning.”
This is a tale of a child’s life before the concept of ‘Helicopter Parents’ became so pervasive: those parents who continually hover over their offspring, watching that no harm could possibly befall their precious babies, their fledglings.
Before the Padded, Insulated, Protected – the ‘Bubble-Wrapped’ World came into existence. I was raised under Father’s principle of: “plenty of benign neglect”. Indeed, he himself had been raised by his widowed mother and spinster aunts and became obsessed with their cloying, over-protective care. He essentially left home at the age of sixteen.
So, I was always fed, had a roof over my head, was somewhat clothed, sent to private schools and my reports were read and remarked upon. With any more supervision than that, exactly what encourages a child to develop?
Recently, I heard that a friend’s young teenage daughter had disappeared after a quarrel with her parents over her privacy from her three younger brothers. Desperate after searching for three hours, they called their neighbours – one of whom was the village mayor. It was a cold, drizzling, winter’s day in this southern French village and night would soon be coming on. Their friend and neighbour, the mayor, told them that after three hours’ absence, he was obliged by law to call in the police. After dark, they would have to call in a helicopter. Gendarmes and CRS officers, twenty vehicles full, combed the surrounding area until finally a tracking dog was brought from 100 kilometres away. The dog immediately found the child cowering under a bush in her parents’ very garden.
As a toddler, I wore a little harness with round bells on it, so that Mother knew just where I was as I tinkled about like a little goat… oh the joy of cantering off alone amongst the gorse bushes, out of sight of authority! Mother never held the reins (I probably pulled at them too much, like an untrained dog on a leash), yet I was tagged as surely as if I wore a GPS microchip. Once I grew out of that harness, I could disappear in a rage or a mood and no one would notice I was gone. I would come home when I was hungry, cold and wet. True Refugees do not have the luxury of sulking.
So begins the unfolding of my life, like a snail, spiralling out and out and suddenly on and on into the great unknown to be discovered. Other places, other times – we start at point zero, and adventure, eventually, to the uttermost corners of the earth, but it is a spiralling thing that develops and finally spins out on its own – this is Life.
PART 1
THE BEGINNING
I
LEFTOVERS OF THE 1920s
Oh, that delicious first moment of six-year-old consciousness in the morning: when the bedroom wall is dappled by limpid sunlight, so clear and fresh, filtering through tree leaves that shiver slightly in the early morning breeze – their blurred shadows flickering and dancing upon the wallpaper by my bed. That delicious, warm first moment when there is a tremor in one’s lower self and, since Mother is not there to say: “No wigwig”, one can indeed indulge in secret, delicious, forbidden wigwig. It could have gone on for ever and ever, but…
I heard the growl of a lorry outside and, even forgetting wigwig, sat up and looked out of the window. There was an old lorry in the garden outside, towing away Father’s 1922 two-seater Bentley. It looked short and squat with its great barrel of a hood, held in place by a heavy leather girth and buckle – big and powerful as a steam locomotive to my child’s eyes. It stood high and ungainly on its huge wheels, more like a motorized carria
A few years later, I discovered the enormous leather suitcases that were custom-made for the luggage rack of that car. There were two of them, almost one and a half metres long and quite shallow – so one could lay out a full ball gown or suit of tails in one without folding or creasing them. I also found Father’s motoring clothes, worthy of a First World War fighter pilot: an ankle-length, tight-waisted white leather greatcoat, with elbow-length gauntlets and helmet to match. Hardly practical attire for getting in and out of a little biplane, or even a motor car, for that matter. He must have cut quite a figure driving his gleaming, dark green, 3.5 litre two-seater Bentley, tall and slim as he was then, the brilliantly successful, the lionized young novelist that he was, with a dark beard and such a romantic air – that first time in 1931 when he went to stay with Mother’s family in their country mansion.
Father was discovered there prowling around upstairs by a Bavarian cousin, a Baroness Pia von Aretin (who later helped him enormously with his last novel by introducing him to people who had known Hitler when he was on the lam after the failed Munich Putsch) pacing the corridors of my grandmother’s house, barefoot. Naturally, being a well-bred German girl, she waited for him to introduce himself, but all he said was: “Do you speak Chinese?” Of course, his romantic, creative, exotic aura was given another lift. Then, when he went to change for dinner, the valet had laid out a tent for him on his bed! He rang for the valet and asked about his tent: “Well sir, we found not a single bag in your motor, all we could find was the tent and seeing as we’d heard in the servants’ hall that you’d been to Arabia and such foreign parts, we thought perhaps that you might be in the habit of wearing tribal robes instead of trousers and tails.” The aura gained yet another tone of intensity. Mother’s family was at once impressed by his fame, but fearful of the scandalous controversy around his first novel. That children could be such wicked little savages when left to themselves – not the ‘little angels’ brought downstairs by nurses, washed, combed and forced to behave. ‘His’ children managed surprisingly well in the captivity of pirates, much as Golding’s boys later survived on a desert island. Children are not by nature innocents; they are already learning survival techniques.
What a time-warp the Second World War created! Before then, the ‘haves’, the 1 per cent, drove motor cars, which, like their clothing, were bespoke. Mother knew only the name of the Head Gardener, because there were too many other gardeners and, anyway, no instructions were to be given without being passed first through Mr Edwards. He wore a three-piece suit with a gold watch chain across his prosperous paunch. The others, the ‘have nots’, still walked to the pump down the street for water and hoarded coal to warm the house a little on Christmas Eve – coal in your stocking was a blessing, not a scold in those days. This 99 per cent who produced everything, died in wars ‘for their country’ and served the gentry hand and foot. Only, twenty years later, there were no more servants and everyone bought what they could afford and find.
There certainly remained anomalies, such as the barber whom Father occasionally visited in London. I remember the place after the war, with its dark wood-framed bevelled mirrors and great high, stuffed leather armchairs around which glided the Gentleman Barbers, armed with hand clippers and scissors, long razors which they stropped on leather – the same genteel old men who had regularly trimmed the beard of King George V. They were masters of conversation, no doubt researching the interests of the morrow’s client the night before – sport was not the dominant subject as it is today, but gentle mention of Politics, Art, Literature and (for Father) even Sailing! Or Jacksons of Piccadilly, where you could still see an immaculate ‘Gentleman’s Gentleman’ tasting a little aged stilton, only to declare that “His Lordship would not approve, it’s under-ripe, you see”.
In general, while still hugely divided, there had been a giant leap towards egalitarianism. When working on his second novel, Father had consulted a Chinese laundryman (who spoke enough English) on details of local colour from his past. He was researching his next book (which came out in 1938) and when the man mentioned that he would like to open his own laundry, instead of working for someone else, Father gave him five pounds and asked him to bill him when he had used up his credit. He posted his dirty dress shirts to London and they came back immaculately starched and ironed – and he was never asked for another penny – those five pounds had been seed capital that started a small Chinese laundry empire! Not that Father wore dress shirts by the time I was around in North Wales – well, perhaps once a year. He wore modern nylon shirts that he washed himself and hung to dry in the bathroom. Unlike his old friend Dylan Thomas, he had several shirts, whereas Dylan only bought one for his first lecture tour in the States – he said he tried to wash it every night, but since it was never dry in the morning, he always put it on wet next day. Much like the vicar who announced that his dog collar was made of plastic, so he could “lick it clean in the morning and it was ready to wear!”
Sixty years on, I found the car again, when my brother sent me an e-mail with an attachment: a couple of black-andwhite snapshots of it at its very worst, slumped by a stone wall in a small field belonging to our friend Hamish, high up in the Welsh mountains. Pieces of body were hanging down to the ground or removed and loaded onto the seats. Then there were glossy colour photographs of it immaculately restored, with its original licence plate: KU631, outside an expensive suburban brick house somewhere in England, its distinctive body changed beyond recognition. The gracefully long, sweeping wings – so modern for a car built in 1922 – had been replaced by small individual mudguards. The only access door was on the passenger side because the handbrake was exterior. Even the gear stick was on the outside of the driver, though inside the car. This left more room for the passenger and an easier slide-through for the driver when getting in. I suppose it also left no excuse for groping the skirts of attractive young flappers while changing gears. His was the 113th Bentley to leave the workshop, the original body built by a private coachbuilder – as was the custom in those days.
Just as Fords came “in every colour as long as it’s black” and all early Bugattis came in bright blue, so all Bentleys were British Racing Green, a green so dark as to be almost black. It had last changed hands for £75,000. I believe Father had bought it second-hand in 1928 for the phenomenally high price of £2,000 (say, £100,000 today). He was doing well in those days.
II
THE FIRST WINTERS
Was that really my very first memory: when I was six? Or was it, more likely, when I was sitting on my wooden lorry, called Borry, pushing it up the incline of flagstones in a huge kitchen at the age of three? After the Second World War, there were no metal toys to buy, no Dinky or Tonka Toys, just what local artisans could make from bits of wood and nails and wire. That was how Borry was created.
The floor of that kitchen seemed to stretch and slope as far as the eye could see. There was a great, hot coal stove to cook on that kept the whole room cosy. I wonder how we had any coal, in that post-war time of rationing and penury – when women in the cities were queuing up for their coal rations with prams in which to take it home. Yet we seemed to have coal and no doubt that was why I was playing there when it happened. The winter of ‘46/’47 was particularly cold in Cumberland, just south of the Scottish/English border. We stayed there, at Lyulph’s Tower (which belonged to Hubert Howard, one of Mother’s first cousins), for a winter because our house in North Wales was still impractical for winter living. For a start, our new home had no legal access (save by sea) and it was hard work bringing coal two miles across the estuary by boat at high tide. Besides, petrol was still rationed and Father could not get petrol coupons for his outboard motor, so he had to use some of the precious supply intended for the Jeep.
