Boyfriend bargain, p.24
Boyfriend Bargain, page 24
But he doesn’t look.
He stares down at his notebook, pen twirling through his fingers.
Professor Goldberg gives up on me and looks around the room. “Initial thoughts, anyone? What is this poem about?”
“The poem is about a bird,” Sorority Girl says.
The professor lifts an eyebrow. “Indeed. Just a bird?”
There’s a rumble of chuckles.
“Hope is the bird,” I say. “The bird is a metaphor for hope.”
“Nice, but tell me more.” He scans the rows of students. “What does it mean? Come on, give me the good stuff, kids.”
Z stares down at his desk, and something shifts inside me, my anger turning to sadness. He’s in a dark place, and haven’t I always known it?
It’s part of why I was drawn to him…
I still want him.
I overhear Sorority Girl whispering to the girl next to her about Z and how he freaked out at the game. They’re wondering if he’ll be able to take the ice at the next one.
My chest rises.
We are over. We are—but I still want to protect him. I want him to live out his dreams. I want him to have hope.
I get the professor’s attention and he turns to me. “Yes?”
“The central idea of the poem is hope. Everything might be falling apart, but hope never stops. It’s there when you just can’t get calculus or when you didn’t get into law school. It’s there when darkness is inside you.” I stop, my voice verging on cracking, emotion threatening. I swallow. “Hope is there when you can’t figure out the fucking answers.”
Professor Goldberg gives me an approving nod. “Your participation point just went up a letter grade, Miss Ryan. I’ll forgive the profanity.”
I settle back in my seat. My heart feels like a block of cement is sitting on it. Hope for the future is what sustains a person, not guilt or regrets, and I want him to see that. He mentioned that his mom gave him the necklace for hope, but what if he’s lost so much that—
Stop. You can’t help him.
Class ends a few minutes later and I take my time leaving, moving slowly and giving him enough time to get out into the hall and down the steps. I don’t want to come face-to-face with him. I’m not sure what would happen. I might break down, might beg him—
“Hey, I’m sorry about being a dick,” says a male voice behind me, and it’s the guy who was talking about Z. He slides up next to me and sticks his hand out. His hair is a rich brown, his eyes a brilliant blue, and he’s wearing an HU football practice shirt. Another athlete. “I’m Dallas, wide receiver for the Lions. Been sitting in the row with you all semester. I’m a big hockey fan, and maybe that’s why I spoke out of turn. Just want them to go all the way, you know?”
He’s tall with a charming smile that’s open and honest, and it’s hard not to soften. I pause and then finally take his hand. His grip is firm and light, his gaze appreciative as he takes in my skinny jeans, tight black fuzzy sweater, flats, and hair, which is down and around my shoulders. I’m wearing more makeup than usual these days too, covering up the dark circles under my eyes.
“Yeah, I want them to win too.”
He nods. “You guys were a thing before, right? I mean, I saw you on his social media.”
My chest squeezes. “Briefly.” I exhale, my mouth tightening, and he winces and gives me a lopsided grin.
“Yeah. My bad. I heard about his girl-of-the-month thing…”
Ugh. “That’s just rumors,” I say with a polite smile then turn and walk to the exit.
He follows along next to me. “Sorry, I keep putting my foot in my mouth. Can I make it up to you? Coffee, sometime, maybe?” He grimaces. “Not trying to be forward, but well, ah, we’ve been sitting near each other for weeks and you’re not seeing him…”
I don’t even have to think about it. I’m not ready for coffee—or anything with anyone else. “Maybe some other time,” I say, and a small laugh comes from him.
“I should have kept my mouth shut about the hockey star. Can we start all over? Hi, I’m Dallas and I think you’re kinda cool.” He gives me a sheepish look. “I liked your poem analysis. This class is one of my favorites.”
I nod. “Yeah, it’s fun. I just took it as an elective.”
“Looks like we already have something in common,” he says, throwing in a teasing grin.
I let out a breath and look over his shoulder. No Z in the hallway.
He follows my gaze and gives me a smirk. “Just not into me, are you?”
I grin for the first time. “Not really.”
He lifts his shoulders nonchalantly. “I can wear you down. See ya, Sugar.”
He heads out the side exit with a wave, and I walk out through the main doors.
I take off for the student center to get a slushie, my head down as I replay the class, wondering if somehow I missed him looking at me, but I know I didn’t. I just thought if there were any truth to him wanting me for me, he would have tried harder to convince me.
He let me go, and I guess that tells me everything.
Julia appears up ahead on the sidewalk and jogs over to me.
“Hey, you doing okay?” she asks, her eyes searching mine.
I nod.
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “You headed to grab some lunch?”
“Actually just a slushie, but I could be talked into pizza.” I pause. “I don’t want to go back to our room because that’s where we always…” I stop. “I’m trying to stay busy.”
Her lips tighten. “I’m so pissed at Z right now.”
“I’ll be okay.”
I’m lying. I’m counting down the days until I’m out of here and in law school—somewhere, anywhere else.
“I know you’re lying, but time will help. Come on.”
We take the steep steps up to the student center and walk into the spacious lobby. It’s filled with students getting lunch, but it’s the gorgeous twenty-foot stone lion fountain in the center of the room that catches my eye. It’s a hub for people to congregate and eat lunch on the fly.
Z sits on the ledge talking to Lola from Eric’s birthday party. He smiles at her and her hand is on his chest, tracing little circles on his shirt as she bats fluttery lashes up at him.
Air whooshes out of my chest.
Something breaks inside me, and I feel the tear, the agony of what it’s like to see the person you love with someone else.
Seeing Bennett with that girl at the Tipsy Moose doesn’t even compare.
My legs wobble for a second before I straighten up and square my shoulders.
“Sugar, wait. Let’s leave campus for lunch…” It’s Julia with her hand on my arm, trying to shield me, but I brush her off, my steps moving closer.
I get within about twenty feet of them, and I can’t go any closer. My heart is lead as I lean against the wall next to the pizza place for support. People come and go, crossing in front of me, carrying food and talking and laughing, but I don’t even notice.
I can’t stop looking at them. He’s right there. With someone.
I have no grounds to be angry. I ended it and—
She’s touching him.
And he’s letting her.
The world collapses as his gaze drifts up, so goddamn slow, and when his eyes meet mine…there is zilch there.
My heart stutters.
Lola says something and he looks at her.
My eyes close. How can he be with someone else when I feel like I’m dying inside?
“Let’s go,” Julia is saying, but I don’t budge. Maybe…maybe I need to see this. I need to see that he can just go straight from me to someone else.
I love you. Forever.
He was never really mine.
I turn from them and walk away.
36
Sugar
I’m coming out of the library a few days later, and Eric is waiting for me. He texted earlier and asked to see me, and when I told him no, he resorted to sending me every emoji he could type, mostly ones with sweets. He swore he would blow up my phone if I didn’t give him five minutes.
I walk down the marble steps and stop in front of him.
He’s got workout gear on and a Lions cap on top of his wild red hair. His beard is longer than I’ve seen it in a while. I figure he’s coming from a late afternoon workout session. Part of me is giddy to see him because I miss his smiling face and he’s a connection to Z, but the rest of me aches, knowing Z isn’t with him.
I force a big smile. “You look like a grizzly bear. Also, please stop sending me the pie emoji.”
“Nice to see you too, babe.” He swoops down and picks me up for a twirl, and several people stop and stare at us. A few guys call out and two girls run over to say hi. One of them presses her number into his hand, and he tucks it in his jacket pocket, a sly smile on his face.
I shake my head, feeling just…tired. “It just never ends with y’all.”
He gives me a look as we take off toward my dorm. “I’m twenty and male. I like chicks.”
I hold my hand up. “What if you had a girlfriend? Would you take her number then?”
He rears back. “No, of course not. That’s a hard line. I’d be true.”
I nod. “And that’s why we’re friends.”
He grins. “But I don’t have one, so I can do what I want.”
We walk down the busy sidewalk and Eric has his head down, a thoughtful look on his face.
“Want to tell me what this is about?”
He sighs slowly, and I sense he’s searching for the right words. “Um, Z.”
My stomach knots. “Figured as much.”
He looks off into the horizon. “He’s falling apart.”
“What do you mean?” My legs pick up the pace, almost to a jog, most of it nervous energy, afraid Eric is going to say something that will break my heart even more.
He keeps pace with me. “Can you slow down a minute?”
“Nope. I have to get to BB’s.”
He takes my hand and pulls me off the path.
“What?” I glare up at him and he winces.
“Look, I know he hurt you, but he’s…”
“Yeah?”
“Fucking devastated. I don’t know who he is anymore. All he does is run and work out and sleep. He had this huge fight with Reece and they’re walking around like two bulls. He’s surly and bad-tempered and just…I don’t know what to say. I can’t get in his head.”
He scratches at his jaw and looks around, almost as if he’s nervous.
I narrow my gaze. “Did he tell you not to talk to me?”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure he meant it.” He blows out a breath. “Never have I seen him so strung out over a girl. He took a hammer to the work table in the garage, and shit, he never does stuff like that.”
I flinch at the image. “He doesn’t really care about me.” I’m not looking at Eric, but I feel his searching look.
“Seriously? Get real. I saw how he looked at you.”
I shake my head. “Funny, because he hasn’t tried to get in touch with me. He knows where I live. He has my phone number.”
“He cares about you.”
Then why is Eric the one here making his case for him? I want to smash something. “So you keep saying,” I snap. “Then why not tell me about her?”
“Maybe he was afraid to lose you.”
“He did lose me.”
He sticks his hands in his pockets. “You wanna know what I think? I think you know he’s crazy about you, and you’re scared.”
I frown. Is that true? I…I don’t know. At first I was afraid for my heart, but after the ice skating lesson, I was in with him. Still, a trickle of doubt drifts in, reminding me of my past, of Bennett and my father and the scared girl who will protect her heart any way she can. I remember the girl who ran away from him at the Kappa party and then at his house after we had sex in his garage.
And, in the end, wasn’t I right?
“You could have listened to him, Sugar. I was there that night, remember? You gave up pretty fast.” He studies my face.
“Thanks, Dr. Eric, but you don’t know everything. And stop eavesdropping on private conversations.”
“You were yelling—kind of hard to not hear it.” Eric closes his eyes. “Fuck, Sugar, I’m afraid he can’t finish the season without you. He’s the most lackluster piece of shit on the ice. He comes to practice, does the minimum, and leaves.”
I don’t like the images he paints in my head and I steel myself against them. “You won the last game—”
“By a hair, and he’s not playing nearly enough. Coach is keeping him on the bench most of the time.”
My hand tightens around my purse strap. “Oh, so I should just ignore his deception so you can finish out your season?”
He lets out a heavy sigh. “I don’t even know if that would work. I’m just coming to you as a friend to another friend who I know cares about him.”
I think about him at the fountain with Lola and—
“Everything okay here?”
We flip around and Julia stands a few feet away. It’s late afternoon and she’s ready for her shift at BB’s, although a normal person wouldn’t know just by looking at her bulky coat and joggers. I know because her hair is up in that Barbarella-style ponytail and there’s pink glitter on her eyelids. Bright pink lipstick colors her mouth, and she’s carrying her duffle, where I figure her shoes and extras are.
Next to me, Eric tenses up.
I look from him to Julia, seeing how his eyes run over her and bounce away, color blooming on his cheeks.
“You guys know each other?” I say, my voice oozing shock.
“No,” they say at the same time, both of their faces shuttering.
“Oh, really? Could have fooled me.”
They both ignore me, but I don’t care. There’s an edge to me lately, and I’m wired, ready to snap.
“Well, in that case, Julia, this is Eric, one of Z’s wingers. He calls everyone babe, likes to sing ‘Dick in a Box’, takes phone numbers from randoms, and eats cereal out of the box with his bare hands. Eric, this is Julia. She’s my roommate and if you hurt her, I will kill you slowly with one of your hockey sticks.”
“Oh,” he says, not even looking at me, his gaze on her. “Hi.”
Julia grimaces and stares down at the ground. “Hi.”
A few moments go by and no one says a word, and shit, I’m a little fascinated.
“So, you’re sure you don’t know each other?”
“Sure,” Julia says.
“Ab-so-fucking-lutely,” says Eric at the same time.
A slow blush rises on my roommate’s cheeks as she clears her throat and hooks her arm with mine. “I’m headed to BB’s. You want a ride?”
I won’t actually ride with her because she’ll be working later than me, but I say yes anyway and move away from Eric. I need distance from him.
“Sugar?” he says with a frown.
I look back, seeing the worry on his face, but I know I can’t go to Z. Willow is between us and I can’t…I can’t let that go. I give him a wry smile. “He knows where I am.”
His shoulders rise with a breath.
“I have to get to work, but text me, okay?” I say softly, not wanting to lose that connection, which is counterproductive, but it is what it is.
He gives me a nod, his gaze flickering over to Julia before he turns and walks away.
He gets just out of earshot and I can’t wait any longer.
“You and Eric? You slag.” I feel empty inside but I push out a grin.
“Never happened,” she says as we walk away.
“You lie, but I will get the truth out of you eventually.”
She throws an arm around me.
“This conversation isn’t over, Barbarella.”
She smirks. “I know.”
“What’s wrong?” Mara asks me a few days later in her office as I file some old invoices in the cabinet.
“Nothing.” I stare down at a receipt from the liquor warehouse and focus on that, ignoring the hole inside me.
“Uh-huh. I hear the Lions won their game yesterday against St. Cloud.”
I file the paperwork and slam the drawer shut. “Nice.” I guess that’s another win for us, and I’m glad. I want Z to succeed.
I feel her eagle eyes on me. “Word is your guy only played the first period.”
“Not my guy, Mara.”
“You only use my name when you’re pissed.”
“I’m not pissed,” I bite out.
She chuckles. “Listen, I know y’all are broken up, but I’ve lived here long enough to know he’s the biggest name to ever play in this state, and when he doesn’t play, something bad is going down.”
She’s prying because she cares, but I feel my defenses coming up. I plop down on the recliner and sip on the vanilla chai tea she made for me earlier.
A few minutes later, I say, “How do you know so much about hockey?”
“Just something I hear the customers say when they’re here.” She gives me a rueful look. “This town loves him. But now, I don’t know. Fans can be fickle, ya know?”
My hackles rise. If anyone bad-talks Z…
“ESPN is saying there’s a rumor he has a mental illness. One reporter claims she saw him break down at one of the away games, but of course, there are no photos to prove it.”
That must have been at Concord State. “Bitch,” I say. “What the hell is wrong with people? Can’t he ever get any peace?” I rub my temples.
“Ah, so you do care.”
I look out the window, my hand clenching my cup.
“I’m worried about you,” she says softly. “Do you want me to make you a lemon icebox pie?”
I blink rapidly. She knows the way to my heart.
“Sugar, I know you haven’t told me everything, but if you need to talk to me, I’m here. I’m not your mama and we’re not blood, but you’re mine by choice and I have no regrets. Nothing you tell me will shock me.”
I stare at her, taking in the big blonde hair and faded pink lipstick. I love her more than anything and she is my family. I don’t know why I haven’t told her what happened except that maybe part of me is embarrassed that he fooled me. I sigh. “He blames himself for his dead girlfriend’s car wreck, and I found a photo of her and…well, we look very similar…” I can’t go on. I don’t even want to think about the letter.
He stares down at his notebook, pen twirling through his fingers.
Professor Goldberg gives up on me and looks around the room. “Initial thoughts, anyone? What is this poem about?”
“The poem is about a bird,” Sorority Girl says.
The professor lifts an eyebrow. “Indeed. Just a bird?”
There’s a rumble of chuckles.
“Hope is the bird,” I say. “The bird is a metaphor for hope.”
“Nice, but tell me more.” He scans the rows of students. “What does it mean? Come on, give me the good stuff, kids.”
Z stares down at his desk, and something shifts inside me, my anger turning to sadness. He’s in a dark place, and haven’t I always known it?
It’s part of why I was drawn to him…
I still want him.
I overhear Sorority Girl whispering to the girl next to her about Z and how he freaked out at the game. They’re wondering if he’ll be able to take the ice at the next one.
My chest rises.
We are over. We are—but I still want to protect him. I want him to live out his dreams. I want him to have hope.
I get the professor’s attention and he turns to me. “Yes?”
“The central idea of the poem is hope. Everything might be falling apart, but hope never stops. It’s there when you just can’t get calculus or when you didn’t get into law school. It’s there when darkness is inside you.” I stop, my voice verging on cracking, emotion threatening. I swallow. “Hope is there when you can’t figure out the fucking answers.”
Professor Goldberg gives me an approving nod. “Your participation point just went up a letter grade, Miss Ryan. I’ll forgive the profanity.”
I settle back in my seat. My heart feels like a block of cement is sitting on it. Hope for the future is what sustains a person, not guilt or regrets, and I want him to see that. He mentioned that his mom gave him the necklace for hope, but what if he’s lost so much that—
Stop. You can’t help him.
Class ends a few minutes later and I take my time leaving, moving slowly and giving him enough time to get out into the hall and down the steps. I don’t want to come face-to-face with him. I’m not sure what would happen. I might break down, might beg him—
“Hey, I’m sorry about being a dick,” says a male voice behind me, and it’s the guy who was talking about Z. He slides up next to me and sticks his hand out. His hair is a rich brown, his eyes a brilliant blue, and he’s wearing an HU football practice shirt. Another athlete. “I’m Dallas, wide receiver for the Lions. Been sitting in the row with you all semester. I’m a big hockey fan, and maybe that’s why I spoke out of turn. Just want them to go all the way, you know?”
He’s tall with a charming smile that’s open and honest, and it’s hard not to soften. I pause and then finally take his hand. His grip is firm and light, his gaze appreciative as he takes in my skinny jeans, tight black fuzzy sweater, flats, and hair, which is down and around my shoulders. I’m wearing more makeup than usual these days too, covering up the dark circles under my eyes.
“Yeah, I want them to win too.”
He nods. “You guys were a thing before, right? I mean, I saw you on his social media.”
My chest squeezes. “Briefly.” I exhale, my mouth tightening, and he winces and gives me a lopsided grin.
“Yeah. My bad. I heard about his girl-of-the-month thing…”
Ugh. “That’s just rumors,” I say with a polite smile then turn and walk to the exit.
He follows along next to me. “Sorry, I keep putting my foot in my mouth. Can I make it up to you? Coffee, sometime, maybe?” He grimaces. “Not trying to be forward, but well, ah, we’ve been sitting near each other for weeks and you’re not seeing him…”
I don’t even have to think about it. I’m not ready for coffee—or anything with anyone else. “Maybe some other time,” I say, and a small laugh comes from him.
“I should have kept my mouth shut about the hockey star. Can we start all over? Hi, I’m Dallas and I think you’re kinda cool.” He gives me a sheepish look. “I liked your poem analysis. This class is one of my favorites.”
I nod. “Yeah, it’s fun. I just took it as an elective.”
“Looks like we already have something in common,” he says, throwing in a teasing grin.
I let out a breath and look over his shoulder. No Z in the hallway.
He follows my gaze and gives me a smirk. “Just not into me, are you?”
I grin for the first time. “Not really.”
He lifts his shoulders nonchalantly. “I can wear you down. See ya, Sugar.”
He heads out the side exit with a wave, and I walk out through the main doors.
I take off for the student center to get a slushie, my head down as I replay the class, wondering if somehow I missed him looking at me, but I know I didn’t. I just thought if there were any truth to him wanting me for me, he would have tried harder to convince me.
He let me go, and I guess that tells me everything.
Julia appears up ahead on the sidewalk and jogs over to me.
“Hey, you doing okay?” she asks, her eyes searching mine.
I nod.
She gives me a sympathetic smile. “You headed to grab some lunch?”
“Actually just a slushie, but I could be talked into pizza.” I pause. “I don’t want to go back to our room because that’s where we always…” I stop. “I’m trying to stay busy.”
Her lips tighten. “I’m so pissed at Z right now.”
“I’ll be okay.”
I’m lying. I’m counting down the days until I’m out of here and in law school—somewhere, anywhere else.
“I know you’re lying, but time will help. Come on.”
We take the steep steps up to the student center and walk into the spacious lobby. It’s filled with students getting lunch, but it’s the gorgeous twenty-foot stone lion fountain in the center of the room that catches my eye. It’s a hub for people to congregate and eat lunch on the fly.
Z sits on the ledge talking to Lola from Eric’s birthday party. He smiles at her and her hand is on his chest, tracing little circles on his shirt as she bats fluttery lashes up at him.
Air whooshes out of my chest.
Something breaks inside me, and I feel the tear, the agony of what it’s like to see the person you love with someone else.
Seeing Bennett with that girl at the Tipsy Moose doesn’t even compare.
My legs wobble for a second before I straighten up and square my shoulders.
“Sugar, wait. Let’s leave campus for lunch…” It’s Julia with her hand on my arm, trying to shield me, but I brush her off, my steps moving closer.
I get within about twenty feet of them, and I can’t go any closer. My heart is lead as I lean against the wall next to the pizza place for support. People come and go, crossing in front of me, carrying food and talking and laughing, but I don’t even notice.
I can’t stop looking at them. He’s right there. With someone.
I have no grounds to be angry. I ended it and—
She’s touching him.
And he’s letting her.
The world collapses as his gaze drifts up, so goddamn slow, and when his eyes meet mine…there is zilch there.
My heart stutters.
Lola says something and he looks at her.
My eyes close. How can he be with someone else when I feel like I’m dying inside?
“Let’s go,” Julia is saying, but I don’t budge. Maybe…maybe I need to see this. I need to see that he can just go straight from me to someone else.
I love you. Forever.
He was never really mine.
I turn from them and walk away.
36
Sugar
I’m coming out of the library a few days later, and Eric is waiting for me. He texted earlier and asked to see me, and when I told him no, he resorted to sending me every emoji he could type, mostly ones with sweets. He swore he would blow up my phone if I didn’t give him five minutes.
I walk down the marble steps and stop in front of him.
He’s got workout gear on and a Lions cap on top of his wild red hair. His beard is longer than I’ve seen it in a while. I figure he’s coming from a late afternoon workout session. Part of me is giddy to see him because I miss his smiling face and he’s a connection to Z, but the rest of me aches, knowing Z isn’t with him.
I force a big smile. “You look like a grizzly bear. Also, please stop sending me the pie emoji.”
“Nice to see you too, babe.” He swoops down and picks me up for a twirl, and several people stop and stare at us. A few guys call out and two girls run over to say hi. One of them presses her number into his hand, and he tucks it in his jacket pocket, a sly smile on his face.
I shake my head, feeling just…tired. “It just never ends with y’all.”
He gives me a look as we take off toward my dorm. “I’m twenty and male. I like chicks.”
I hold my hand up. “What if you had a girlfriend? Would you take her number then?”
He rears back. “No, of course not. That’s a hard line. I’d be true.”
I nod. “And that’s why we’re friends.”
He grins. “But I don’t have one, so I can do what I want.”
We walk down the busy sidewalk and Eric has his head down, a thoughtful look on his face.
“Want to tell me what this is about?”
He sighs slowly, and I sense he’s searching for the right words. “Um, Z.”
My stomach knots. “Figured as much.”
He looks off into the horizon. “He’s falling apart.”
“What do you mean?” My legs pick up the pace, almost to a jog, most of it nervous energy, afraid Eric is going to say something that will break my heart even more.
He keeps pace with me. “Can you slow down a minute?”
“Nope. I have to get to BB’s.”
He takes my hand and pulls me off the path.
“What?” I glare up at him and he winces.
“Look, I know he hurt you, but he’s…”
“Yeah?”
“Fucking devastated. I don’t know who he is anymore. All he does is run and work out and sleep. He had this huge fight with Reece and they’re walking around like two bulls. He’s surly and bad-tempered and just…I don’t know what to say. I can’t get in his head.”
He scratches at his jaw and looks around, almost as if he’s nervous.
I narrow my gaze. “Did he tell you not to talk to me?”
“Yeah, but I’m not sure he meant it.” He blows out a breath. “Never have I seen him so strung out over a girl. He took a hammer to the work table in the garage, and shit, he never does stuff like that.”
I flinch at the image. “He doesn’t really care about me.” I’m not looking at Eric, but I feel his searching look.
“Seriously? Get real. I saw how he looked at you.”
I shake my head. “Funny, because he hasn’t tried to get in touch with me. He knows where I live. He has my phone number.”
“He cares about you.”
Then why is Eric the one here making his case for him? I want to smash something. “So you keep saying,” I snap. “Then why not tell me about her?”
“Maybe he was afraid to lose you.”
“He did lose me.”
He sticks his hands in his pockets. “You wanna know what I think? I think you know he’s crazy about you, and you’re scared.”
I frown. Is that true? I…I don’t know. At first I was afraid for my heart, but after the ice skating lesson, I was in with him. Still, a trickle of doubt drifts in, reminding me of my past, of Bennett and my father and the scared girl who will protect her heart any way she can. I remember the girl who ran away from him at the Kappa party and then at his house after we had sex in his garage.
And, in the end, wasn’t I right?
“You could have listened to him, Sugar. I was there that night, remember? You gave up pretty fast.” He studies my face.
“Thanks, Dr. Eric, but you don’t know everything. And stop eavesdropping on private conversations.”
“You were yelling—kind of hard to not hear it.” Eric closes his eyes. “Fuck, Sugar, I’m afraid he can’t finish the season without you. He’s the most lackluster piece of shit on the ice. He comes to practice, does the minimum, and leaves.”
I don’t like the images he paints in my head and I steel myself against them. “You won the last game—”
“By a hair, and he’s not playing nearly enough. Coach is keeping him on the bench most of the time.”
My hand tightens around my purse strap. “Oh, so I should just ignore his deception so you can finish out your season?”
He lets out a heavy sigh. “I don’t even know if that would work. I’m just coming to you as a friend to another friend who I know cares about him.”
I think about him at the fountain with Lola and—
“Everything okay here?”
We flip around and Julia stands a few feet away. It’s late afternoon and she’s ready for her shift at BB’s, although a normal person wouldn’t know just by looking at her bulky coat and joggers. I know because her hair is up in that Barbarella-style ponytail and there’s pink glitter on her eyelids. Bright pink lipstick colors her mouth, and she’s carrying her duffle, where I figure her shoes and extras are.
Next to me, Eric tenses up.
I look from him to Julia, seeing how his eyes run over her and bounce away, color blooming on his cheeks.
“You guys know each other?” I say, my voice oozing shock.
“No,” they say at the same time, both of their faces shuttering.
“Oh, really? Could have fooled me.”
They both ignore me, but I don’t care. There’s an edge to me lately, and I’m wired, ready to snap.
“Well, in that case, Julia, this is Eric, one of Z’s wingers. He calls everyone babe, likes to sing ‘Dick in a Box’, takes phone numbers from randoms, and eats cereal out of the box with his bare hands. Eric, this is Julia. She’s my roommate and if you hurt her, I will kill you slowly with one of your hockey sticks.”
“Oh,” he says, not even looking at me, his gaze on her. “Hi.”
Julia grimaces and stares down at the ground. “Hi.”
A few moments go by and no one says a word, and shit, I’m a little fascinated.
“So, you’re sure you don’t know each other?”
“Sure,” Julia says.
“Ab-so-fucking-lutely,” says Eric at the same time.
A slow blush rises on my roommate’s cheeks as she clears her throat and hooks her arm with mine. “I’m headed to BB’s. You want a ride?”
I won’t actually ride with her because she’ll be working later than me, but I say yes anyway and move away from Eric. I need distance from him.
“Sugar?” he says with a frown.
I look back, seeing the worry on his face, but I know I can’t go to Z. Willow is between us and I can’t…I can’t let that go. I give him a wry smile. “He knows where I am.”
His shoulders rise with a breath.
“I have to get to work, but text me, okay?” I say softly, not wanting to lose that connection, which is counterproductive, but it is what it is.
He gives me a nod, his gaze flickering over to Julia before he turns and walks away.
He gets just out of earshot and I can’t wait any longer.
“You and Eric? You slag.” I feel empty inside but I push out a grin.
“Never happened,” she says as we walk away.
“You lie, but I will get the truth out of you eventually.”
She throws an arm around me.
“This conversation isn’t over, Barbarella.”
She smirks. “I know.”
“What’s wrong?” Mara asks me a few days later in her office as I file some old invoices in the cabinet.
“Nothing.” I stare down at a receipt from the liquor warehouse and focus on that, ignoring the hole inside me.
“Uh-huh. I hear the Lions won their game yesterday against St. Cloud.”
I file the paperwork and slam the drawer shut. “Nice.” I guess that’s another win for us, and I’m glad. I want Z to succeed.
I feel her eagle eyes on me. “Word is your guy only played the first period.”
“Not my guy, Mara.”
“You only use my name when you’re pissed.”
“I’m not pissed,” I bite out.
She chuckles. “Listen, I know y’all are broken up, but I’ve lived here long enough to know he’s the biggest name to ever play in this state, and when he doesn’t play, something bad is going down.”
She’s prying because she cares, but I feel my defenses coming up. I plop down on the recliner and sip on the vanilla chai tea she made for me earlier.
A few minutes later, I say, “How do you know so much about hockey?”
“Just something I hear the customers say when they’re here.” She gives me a rueful look. “This town loves him. But now, I don’t know. Fans can be fickle, ya know?”
My hackles rise. If anyone bad-talks Z…
“ESPN is saying there’s a rumor he has a mental illness. One reporter claims she saw him break down at one of the away games, but of course, there are no photos to prove it.”
That must have been at Concord State. “Bitch,” I say. “What the hell is wrong with people? Can’t he ever get any peace?” I rub my temples.
“Ah, so you do care.”
I look out the window, my hand clenching my cup.
“I’m worried about you,” she says softly. “Do you want me to make you a lemon icebox pie?”
I blink rapidly. She knows the way to my heart.
“Sugar, I know you haven’t told me everything, but if you need to talk to me, I’m here. I’m not your mama and we’re not blood, but you’re mine by choice and I have no regrets. Nothing you tell me will shock me.”
I stare at her, taking in the big blonde hair and faded pink lipstick. I love her more than anything and she is my family. I don’t know why I haven’t told her what happened except that maybe part of me is embarrassed that he fooled me. I sigh. “He blames himself for his dead girlfriend’s car wreck, and I found a photo of her and…well, we look very similar…” I can’t go on. I don’t even want to think about the letter.
