In another life, p.10
In Another Life, page 10
23
There was a bus to Stonehenge and they were on it. As it trundled along the motorway, they hunkered down with their knees pressed up against the seats in front. Loretta could feel the heat transferring through Natalie’s jeans into her own thighs and smell the familiar musky scent of her sister, as much a comfort to her now as it was when they had shared a bed as little girls.
At moments like this, it seemed to Loretta that she and Natalie were almost like a single entity, pitched together against whatever life threw at them. It was something she’d felt even more keenly over the last few challenging years and now, when Natalie was still a little lost, they continued to draw strength from one another. Sisters against the world. That was how it felt.
Loretta told Natalie about the crime stories she had covered that week until she sensed that Natalie was losing interest. Whilst she could talk about angles and hooks and sources and follow-ups endlessly, she knew that it didn’t always hold the same fascination for others.
Natalie’s concentration ebbed and flowed depending on the story, but she had nothing of her own to contribute to the conversation. Her life had become so closed that anecdotes worth retelling seemed to be few and far between. Either that or she just didn’t have the energy for it.
It was around midday when the bus pulled into the car park. Stretching their legs, they climbed down, thanking the driver on their way out. Loretta gave a little nod to her mother, wherever she was. She had been a stickler for manners. The driver was already reaching for his copy of the Sun and Loretta tried to see what they’d gone with on the front page but couldn’t quite make it out without being obvious about it.
The pale-blue sky was striped with cirrus clouds, stretched thin like strings of candy floss. A small encampment of tents had been set up in the field opposite, the protesters she assumed, but there seemed to be relatively few people around the stones.
‘Come on,’ said Natalie, grabbing Loretta’s hand and dragging her past their fellow travellers and towards the huge stone circle. ‘Quick. Let’s get there before anyone else does.’
It had been a long while since Natalie had done anything urgently and Loretta was happy to be dragged along. They ran hand in hand across the grass, laughing at the silliness of it. Natalie’s dark hair blew away from her forehead revealing her eyes, equally dark and with deep shadows surrounding them, but something in the moment made them shine like they had done before, and Loretta felt a surge of hope that there would be a way forward for her sister.
‘Do we really need to run?’ she said, her breath coming in gasps. ‘Those stones aren’t going anywhere.’
But Natalie did need to run – Loretta could see that. And she too was enjoying the breeze on her face and having clean air in her lungs, even if they were protesting a little at the unexpected exercise. They should get out of the city more often, she realised, absorb this feeling of space and freedom.
They weren’t allowed to walk in and out of the stones, couldn’t touch them even. Loretta could understand the thinking, she supposed. They were an important archaeological site and needed to be protected. Then again, they had been standing there for three thousand years. She very much doubted that she could do them harm with just her bare hands.
‘Can you imagine getting them here?’ Natalie asked her, shaking her head in wonderment. ‘I mean, how?’
‘Haven’t got a clue. Sheer bloody hard work and determination, I suppose. Like most things that are difficult to achieve. Photo!’
Loretta dug her camera out of her bag and Natalie posed in front of the stones. As she slipped the camera away, Loretta considered nipping across to interview the hippies in the camp about their take on it all. She was sure they wouldn’t mind talking to her. She had a byline, after all!
Then all of a sudden Natalie stood stock still. She put her hands up, palms wide, and closed her eyes.
‘Can you feel it?’ she asked.
Loretta wasn’t sure what Natalie was talking about. The just-there warmth of the sun? The gentle breeze on her face?
‘Feel what exactly?’
Natalie’s eyes flicked open but she seemed to be listening intently to some sound that Loretta couldn’t pick up.
‘The energy,’ she said. ‘The power.’
Loretta couldn’t feel a thing but she could see that the moment was important to Natalie and so she played along.
‘I think so,’ she replied weakly. ‘I mean, the stones are built on ley lines so it makes sense that we’d be picking up something here. After all, twenty thousand hippies can’t all be wrong.’
She cocked her head at the encampment, laughing, but Natalie’s expression remained sombre.
‘Doesn’t it make you feel small?’ Natalie asked.
Loretta still wasn’t with her. The stones were huge and towered over them. Of course they felt small by comparison. But that wasn’t what Natalie meant. Loretta could see that.
‘We’re so insignificant,’ Natalie said. ‘We thrash about, thinking how terribly important we are, that what we’re doing is vital, but actually that’s rubbish. We get what, three score years and ten? Four score if we’re lucky. Not even that for Mum and Dad. These stones have been here for thousands and thousands of years. And they’re new in the grand scale of Earth. We’re so very . . .’ She paused as she tried to come up with the right word. ‘Trivial.’
Loretta got it now. She had thought the same once as she squinted up at the night sky and tried to make out a star or two through the orange glow of the streetlights. It had struck her then just how insignificant human life really was.
‘Yes,’ she agreed.
Natalie’s eyes glistened, a film of tears glazing their surface.
‘And vulnerable,’ she said, ‘sitting on this planet as it hurtles through space. Our lives can be snatched away just like that. Our life is all we have and it can be gone.’ She clicked her fingers. ‘Just like that. Doesn’t that frighten you, Etta?’
It didn’t, but mainly because Loretta didn’t allow her mind to veer off down that path.
‘You can’t think like that, Nat,’ she said gently. ‘What happened to Mum and Dad was a tragic accident but it doesn’t mean that anything bad will happen to us. Most people live to a ripe old age. Spending your life in fear of what might be around the corner is no way to live. I know it’s hard but you need to get back out there, start living again, discover what lights your fire.’
She was tempted to say that their parents would be disappointed to see how Natalie was wasting her time, but it felt like a low blow. So instead she focused on the future.
‘Do you remember the summer you finished school, before the accident? You were talking about going to live abroad, grape picking or finding work in a holiday resort somewhere. Do you remember?’
Natalie shook her head, her expression perplexed as if she couldn’t imagine this ever being something she had considered. Loretta pressed on.
‘You did. Honestly. Maybe you could do something like that this summer. It doesn’t have to be abroad—’
‘Not many grapes to be picked in England,’ interrupted Natalie wryly and Loretta grinned, relieved that she seemed to be taking the suggestion in the spirit in which it was intended.
‘Well, no. But there are so many more interesting things you could be doing. And there’s nothing stopping you. You could save some cash between now and the summer and catch the ferry to Calais, head down to the south. You might as well be doing bar work in the sun somewhere as in some dreary pub in Barnet.’
‘Are you trying to get rid of me?’ Natalie was teasing but Loretta knew that her reaction was a front and could see her sister’s anxiety loitering in the shadows of her smile.
‘As if,’ she replied warmly. ‘But I’m worried about you, Nat. I want you to be happy.’
‘I am happy,’ objected Natalie. ‘I like crappy jobs in shitty places. It’s why I get out of bed in the morning.’
There she was, thought Loretta with relief. The sparky sister she had missed so much. She was still in there, deep deep down.
‘Seriously though, sis,’ Nat continued. ‘I do appreciate that you’re worried about me. But I’m fine as I am. Honest.’
But you’re so obviously not, Loretta wanted to shout, but she could tell that there would be nothing to gain. She had tried to plant the seeds of change numerous times over the years but none had taken root. But maybe this time things would be different, she thought. Maybe Natalie was finally ready.
‘I’ll tell you what, I’ll think about it,’ said Natalie. ‘Do some research in the library. They’re bound to have a book on how to go grape picking. And if there isn’t I’ll go and do it and then I can come back and write one.’
She grinned and Loretta saw another glimpse of the carefree sister she used to know before the accident. Then again, she thought, hadn’t Natalie been directionless then too, floating on the water and waiting for the tide to dictate her direction. Maybe the loss of their parents had just highlighted what was already part of Natalie’s personality.
And when she herself was so driven by her goals, it was easy to see Natalie’s inertia as a failing – but was it simply that she came at life in a different way? The danger was, however, that soon too much time would have been lost. Perhaps being at Stonehenge, with all that talk of how ephemeral human life was, might jump-start something in Natalie and make her realise that life is short and time really is of the essence.
24
Yet time marched on. Natalie got the job at the place in Kentish Town and that seemed to be working out to the extent that these things ever did. There had been no more talk of grape picking. Loretta considered doing the required research herself and presenting her findings to Natalie to take the effort out of it for her. She spent a fair proportion of her time researching as part of her job so it would be child’s play to pull the basics together. But her time was also scarce and somehow the task fell off her list.
Then one day everything changed. Loretta had just got back in the newsroom, having been out interviewing a family whose daughter had been accidentally caught up in a shooting. This kind of assignment was never easy but Loretta was learning how to get people to open up to her and her results were impressive. Mr Redpath, in a rare moment of positivity, had said she had remarkable empathy, which had made her shiver to the tips of her toes.
She was just settling herself back at her desk when Malcolm breezed over.
‘Bit odd this one, but how would your sister like a job in Sicily?’
Loretta was intrigued.
‘As I’m a reporter, I’m going to ask you for the five Ws,’ she said.
‘Someone clearly trained you well,’ replied Malcolm with a grin. ‘My wife Vicky’s best friend married a Sicilian. She lives out there, near Syracuse, I believe, and is in urgent need of someone to help with the kids. There are three of the little darlings, none of them teenagers yet so not too awful. Anyway, Stella sent up a distress flare and I thought of you. Or actually I thought of your sister. I’m not letting you swan off to Sicily, you’re far too valuable.’
Noting and relishing the compliment, Loretta asked, ‘What does it involve? Natalie’s pretty resourceful but she doesn’t know much about children. She’s only ever done a bit of babysitting. She isn’t a trained nanny or anything.’
‘At the risk of insulting Natalie’s capabilities, I think Stella’s only requirement is that the person speaks English and can get there PDQ! I gather she’s been let down and with the summer holidays coming up she really needs someone, and fast. And I know I’ve never met your sister but I know you pretty well so if you can vouch for her then that’s good enough for me and Vicky. What do you think?’
‘I’m sure she’d be interested,’ said Loretta without hesitation.
Malcolm handed her a piece of paper.
‘This is Stella’s number. Get Natalie to give her a ring and they can have a chat. No harm in that. If it’s not for her then that’s no bother but it was worth a punt.’
‘Definitely,’ agreed Loretta. ‘Thanks, Malcolm.’
‘What do you reckon?’ Loretta asked Natalie that evening after she’d repeated what Malcolm had told her. ‘It’s not grape picking but it might be fun. It’ll certainly make a change from pulling pints and serving chicken in a basket.’
Natalie ran her hand through her short dark hair and frowned.
‘How old are the kids exactly?’ she asked. ‘Boys? Girls?’
‘I’ve told you everything I know. If you want more details then ring the number and speak to the woman. Malcolm says she’s nice. And if it turns out that it’s not for you then there’s nothing lost.’
Loretta looked into Natalie’s eyes and tried to guess what she was thinking. Natalie turned the piece of paper over and over in her hands, clearly thinking things through. It gave Loretta a moment to think too. What if she actually went? Whilst Loretta was anxious for Natalie to get out into the world as she herself had done, was sending her to live thousands of miles away really the solution? Loretta wasn’t sure that she was ready to lose her only family overnight. Well, not lose her entirely, but on a day-to-day level it would be much the same.
‘Well?’ she asked after a few moments had passed and Natalie still hadn’t spoken.
‘I could just ring, couldn’t I?’ said Natalie. ‘Find out what’s involved. I’m not committing to anything by doing that, am I?’
‘Not at all,’ agreed Loretta. ‘And if anything about it sounds like it’s not for you then there’s absolutely no obligation to take it any further. It might be fun, though.’
‘And Sicily is in the Med?’
They took down the relevant volume of the Encyclopædia Britannica that their father had bought on credit one book at a time and opened it at S, leafing through until they found the entry for Sicily.
‘Sicily is the largest and most populous island in the Mediterranean Sea and one of the twenty regions of Italy,’ read Loretta. ‘Its most prominent landmark is Mount Etna, the tallest active volcano in Europe and one of the most active in the world.’
Natalie looked up from the page and pulled a face.
‘I don’t think it’s dangerous,’ Loretta reassured her. ‘I can’t remember it erupting recently.’
‘It’s saving itself for when I’m there,’ laughed Natalie grimly.
Loretta examined her face. ‘So you’re considering it?’ she asked.
Natalie shrugged.
‘Well, I might as well give the woman a ring. What’ve I got to lose?’
She made the call whilst Loretta busied herself in the kitchen. When she came back into the room, Natalie’s eyes were shining.
‘Stella sounds really nice. It’s her and her husband, Salvatore. He’s Sicilian. They have three kids, eleven, nine and six. Two boys and a girl. I’ll get my own room and my job will be to help with the kids over the summer. She wants me to go out a week or so before they break up so I can get the hang of everything.’
Loretta did some quick calculations. It was the end of May and the holidays probably wouldn’t start until mid-July.
‘So in Italy that’s June. Next week,’ Natalie continued.
Loretta swallowed.
‘As soon as that? Wow.’
Natalie caught her bottom lip between her teeth.
‘I think I want to go, Etta,’ she said, although she sounded unsure.
‘Then you should,’ said Loretta, trying to make her voice sound as positive as she could although her heart was racing at the speed of it all. Next week! ‘We’ll have to get you an appointment at the Passport Office. No time to send off through the post.’
‘I didn’t think of that,’ said Natalie. ‘Is there anything else I need?’
Loretta tried to think as her mind buzzed. Natalie was leaving her. She was going to live far away and she would be on her own. In this house on her own. And, of course, this was a good thing, was everything she had been hoping for for her sister, everything their parents would have wanted for her. But she’d had no time to get used to the idea, nothing to help her prepare for it. What would she do? How would she cope on her own?
‘We should get you some lire?’ she said.
25
1984 – Sicily
The heat hit her as soon as she stepped out of the plane. It was warm in London sometimes, but nothing like this. Natalie felt wrapped up in it, cocooned, and couldn’t square being outside when the air felt as if she were in an airing cupboard. Was the oxygen sufficient for her body’s needs here? Would her lungs be able to pull in enough to breathe? It was hard to believe.
She wanted to linger on the top of the stairs and absorb the newness of it all, but the other passengers were eager to disembark, shoving her gently from behind, and so, reluctantly, she made her way down to the tarmac. A little of the tension she’d been storing for years seemed to seep out of her with each step she took. How could you be tense when you were surrounded by this nurturing warmth?
This was only her second experience of an airport, the first being Gatwick that morning, so she wasn’t sure what happened next. Anxiously, she looked around, hoping to find clues, but all the signs were in Italian.
A wave of doubt flooded her head. It had been a mistake coming here, she thought. She wasn’t up to it, didn’t have the aptitude to deal with so much change in such a short period. Silently, she cursed Etta for pushing her into it. Where was her sister now, when she needed help? Back in London, where Natalie’s life had been small but had at least made perfect sense to her. This chaotic, hot space filled with people she didn’t understand was making no sense at all.
Everyone seemed to be heading in the same direction with a unified sense of purpose, so Natalie followed them. At passport control she offered up her brand-spanking-new passport with its dark-blue cover. It had barely been opened. The guard flicked to the photo page and gave it a cursory glance before looking up at her face.
‘Buongiorno,’ he said.
Natalie had bought a pocket-sized Italian phrase book in WHSmith’s and had practised a few words in the privacy of her bedroom, but now, faced with the real deal, she felt stupid and gauche. She smiled at him in lieu of words and he passed back the passport and looked over her shoulder for the next in line.
