Dragonfly, p.14
Dragonfly, page 14
“I am not kind at all, Fuma. I asked you to tell me your story. If there is any blame, it lies with me. But you must remember, I am no green girl. I have seen and heard many terrible things since I lost my family. On that day, I became not just onna-bugeisha, but a ronin—a samurai without a master. Nothing you say could shock me.”
“You think so?” Fuma’s handsome face was suddenly twisted and made ugly by the tide of his thoughts. I had the eerie impression that everything he had kept deep inside for so long was being released, finally, and that the beauty of his face and body had been no more than a suit of armor protecting the horror that lay within. In spite of the deep suffering I saw in him, I exulted. He needed to talk about this. Such things, if kept within for too long, would eventually fester and poison the spirit and the mind. If the gods had decreed that I should be the one who shared his burden, then I would accept the responsibility gladly.
It was not wise to argue with karma, I had learned.
Eighteen
If I am a ship
On the sea, then you are the
Keel beneath my bow
I watched Fuma’s expression as it changed from self-hatred to wonder and then doubt.
“You may think differently when you have heard everything I have to say.” It was clear the words had been an effort. His gaze held mine, as if he expected me to flinch.
I thought carefully before I replied. If my tone was too light, he would think I was laughing at him. Too serious, and he would worry I was judging him. Who was I to judge any man who did what he thought was right? At that moment, I understood that I had stumbled upon the evasive essence of the code of bushido. It was not what the code actually said that mattered, but that you obeyed what you considered it meant. A long time ago, Akira had tried to explain that to me when I had lost my faith in myself and the code. Only now did I understand what his stumbling words had meant. How richly ironic that the most feared yakuza in the whole of Edo, a man who had neither honor nor morals, could have understood me better than myself.
“You will not shock me,” I said firmly. “I’m certain you would never willingly do anything that was dishonorable. You couldn’t. You were born a daimyo. All your life, you followed the code of bushido, just as I have. Even now, when fate has turned you into a wokou, even an inconsequential maidservant would have felt your mercy.”
His lips twitched into what was almost a smile at my words.
“I want to know everything. We are both ronin, both honorable warriors who have left the life they should have lived behind them. There is nobody else on this earth who will understand what happened to you like I can,” I added coaxingly.
“Ah, you say that. But will you still care for me when you have heard the worst of it?”
Care for him? What made him think that I cared anything at all about him? And why did I nod in agreement and remain silent?
Fuma said, “Please, don’t judge me until you’ve heard everything.” He seemed to take my answer for granted as he went on speaking. I was annoyed until I realized that if he stopped—even for a moment—he would find it impossible to go on. “I didn’t expect to find sleep that night, but I did. When I awoke, I felt refreshed. My first thought was of Chiaki—of course—and my shame returned.
“I had dreamed the whole thing, I believed. It had been a particularly vivid dream, that was why every detail was so clear in my mind. I didn’t see her until the afternoon, and I was grateful for the time to gain my composure. By then, I had decided that my initial thoughts were correct. I would do nothing until Father returned, and then I would speak to him about my suspicions.
“My mind was made up. I wasn’t happy, but I was relieved that the decision had been made. And then I saw Chiaki, and everything in my world pivoted on its axis. She was alone, sitting in the garden with the sun on her face. I can see her now, sitting calmly on a stone bench, listening in obvious content to the birdsong. She had her hands folded on her belly, and—even to an ignorant man like me—I could see that the gesture protected the new life that was growing within her. I must have made some slight sound for she opened her eyes and smiled at me and held her arms out to me, as if she was welcoming her lover into her embrace.
“And at that moment, I knew I had been lying to myself. We were lovers. Just as she had said, we must have been lovers for many months. The only sorrow I felt at the knowledge was a deep sadness that somehow I had put aside all that had been between us. No doubt, I had felt so guilty that I had denied even to myself my sweet memories of her. Somehow, I had tricked my own mind into denying the truth. Until last night, when I could deny her no longer.”
“‘Fuma-chan.’ Her voice was soft and throaty, as if he had been anticipating with pleasure that I would come to her. She patted the bench in invitation, and I went and sat next to her without hesitation. At once, she reached for my hand and placed it on her belly. ‘It is early, but I am sure I just felt our baby move.”‘
I sat in a pool of deep contentment. I was so happy to be at her side, it took me a long time to understand what she had said. Our baby? This could not be! I snatched my hand away as if it burned, and she gave a great sigh that seemed to catch in her throat.
“‘Our baby?’ I managed to say finally. ‘Chiaki, no. That cannot be. This baby is yours and Father’s. It has nothing to do with me.”‘
“She stared at me and I saw tears hovering on the end of her eyelashes. She looked so young, so very vulnerable, that in spite of my horror, I wanted to put my arms around her and pull her toward me, to cuddle the hurt away.”
Fuma’s eyes were far away, as if he was in another place and another time entirely. I had a sudden pain in my chest. It hurt even to breathe. A moment ago, I had felt extremely well. Suddenly, I understood that my pain was no physical ailment, I was simply jealous of the unknown Chiaki, the woman who was everything I was not.
Something of my thoughts must have shown on my face, as Fuma spoke doubtfully. “Soru? Are you sure you want to hear the rest of it?”
“Go on.” My voice sounded hard, metallic. He gave me an uncertain look, then shrugged and began speaking again.
“Chiaki was looking at me so pitifully, I felt her pain. And suddenly, I wanted nothing more than to be convinced that the baby was mine. My honor to Father, to the good name of our family, was forgotten. I put my arms around her and held her against me. I didn’t even care if the servants saw us.
“‘Fuma-chan, what is it?’ She whispered so softly, I felt rather than heard her words as they vibrated against my chest. ‘I don’t understand what has happened to you. We were so very happy before. Do you no longer love me? Do you regret our baby? If you do, then tell me now. I would rather obtain some potion that will do away with it than lose you, my love.”‘
“My spirits soared. I could barely believe that this lovely, innocent child would lose her baby rather than lose my love for her. I was elated. Still, I had to be sure. It would wound her deeply, I knew, but I had to ask.”
“‘Chiaki-chan, I am sorry, but I must know. Are you certain the baby is mine and not Father’s?”‘
“She pulled away from me and stared with as much confusion as if I had struck her for nothing at all. When she spoke, her voice was thick with emotion.
“‘How could you ask such a thing? You knew from the very first time that we made love that your father was unable in the beginning, that he had never been able to take me, no matter how often he tried. I was a maiden when you first came to me. I remember you saying how ironic it was, that it was only after we became lovers that your father finally managed to get his tree to rise for me. And when he did, you know full well how I hated it every time I was forced to pretend I was enjoying his feeble lovemaking. The only good thing about it was that he was so debilitated, he could not even tell I was no longer an innocent.’ The tears spilled from her eyelashes and rolled down her cheeks.
“‘Or have you forgotten all that, as you seem to have forgotten so much else? Please, tell me what is wrong? Is it me? Do you no longer love me? Is that it? If it is true, then I will go away from here now, before Akimoto arrives back. It would be better if I did that. I will go back to my family and endure the dishonor I have brought down on both our houses.’
“She started to get to her feet, but I pulled her back. ‘Chiaki, no. Please, you must stay. If anybody is to go, it will be me.’ She put her hand to her mouth as if the idea horrified her. ‘I think it must be the strain of everything, but I must tell you, until you came to me last night, I had no memory of us ever being together before. I remember nothing of what had passed between us.’
“She gave a gasp and her eyes grew wide with horror. ‘Nothing?’ she whispered. ‘You didn’t remember how you came to me soon after the wedding and told me how mad you were for me? Told me that your life would be as nothing if I refused you? You didn’t remember me telling you how overwhelmed with relief I was at your words, and that the only reason I had agreed to marry Akimoto was because I had fallen in love with you the very first moment I saw you? You cannot have forgotten all that, I don’t believe you!’
“The strange thing was, as she said it, I began to feel as if it was all true. I remembered how sweet and quiet she had been when she arrived as a bride. How she had trembled whenever Father looked her way. I had thought it was respect, but now I understood it was repulsion at the thought of his touch. Yet she had endured it, for me! At once, it seemed to me that she was right. That I had been attracted to her from the beginning, and she to me.”
“And the conversation you overheard between her and her father before she was married?” I asked drily. “Did you conveniently manage to forget all about that as well?”
“No.” Fuma shook his head. “I remembered it, and I was ashamed. I knew, of course, that I had already been jealous of Father then, and I had twisted all I had heard because of that. How could I possibly have thought ill of this innocent girl, who was prepared to risk her very life for me?”
I knew my expression was ugly. Fuma watched me carefully as he went on.
“I said I would tell you nothing but the truth, and that was how I saw things at that moment.”
I shrugged, trying to pretend it all meant nothing to me. Fuma hesitated and wet his lips with his tongue before he went on.
“Besides, who else could the baby belong to? I was going to be a father, and my beloved was by my side. What more could I want? There was probably considerable time before Father arrived back. With the long journey, he was often gone for half a year when he was summoned by the shogun. We would work something out. All would be well. It had to be so.
“‘Of course I remember it all now, Chiaki.’ I looked deep into her eyes as I spoke and I saw the relief there. I hated myself. How could I ever have doubted her? ‘I am so sorry. I believe I have been so overwhelmed by guilt, I forced myself to try and forget everything that has passed between us. But now I know the truth never will I forget what we mean to each other. All will be well, I promise you.’
“She moved a little away from me and sat very straight. I thought that she must be so relieved that she wanted to be alone with her thoughts. But I was wrong.
“She said, ‘Fuma-chan, you have made me the happiest of women. But I think that now that everything is clear between us, we must be a little careful. The servants must not suspect. They are loyal to your father, and they hate me because I don’t let them get away with anything. If they had any proof, I’m sure they would betray us to him.’
“I was confused beyond words. What did it matter? When Father returned, I was going to confess all to him. I had no doubt at all that he would disown me at once. I would be left homeless and without a coin in my pocket, but somehow I would make a new life for Chiaki and our baby. We would be together, that was all that mattered. I was about to explain all this to her when she put her finger on my mouth to silence me. She shook her head and whispered, ‘Come to me tonight, when you’re sure it’s safe.’
“It was enough. My spirits flew with the birds. Fool that I was, I could not see beyond what she was telling me. She was everything to me—nothing else mattered. That night—and many more nights to come—saw me in heaven. When she saw the pleasure she gave to me, Chiaki laughed and said it was only what I had taught her.
“But it is truly said that the gods do not like us mortals to be too happy. I was walking in the garden one day, enjoying the perfume of the roses, when a rider came. He was brought straight through to me. Fool that I was, I was too deep in my own happiness to wonder why he looked so grave. I greeted him calmly and watched in astonishment as he prostrated himself on the gravel, kowtowing to me. Even his first words, spoken to the earth, had me puzzled.
“‘My Lord Fuma. I bring you urgent news.’ I was vaguely annoyed. Did he think I was my father, that he addressed me by Father’s title? I told him to rise and give me his news. A moment later I was turned to ice water.
“Father was dead. He had been taken violently ill on the journey back from Edo. He had felt unwell and decided to break his journey for a few days at one of his favorite ryokan. There, he had taken to his bed complaining of violent stomach pains and a high fever. The innkeeper had sent for a physician at once, but in spite of the man’s best efforts, Father had died early next day. His final words had been his blessing to me.
“If the gods spare me to live for a thousand years, I will never forget that moment, Soru. Nor will I ever be able to forgive myself. Instead of grieving for that good man my father, my only thoughts were for myself and Chiaki. I gloated. All I could think of was how now, all would be well. The way had been cleared for us. We could marry as soon as a suitable period of mourning had been endured. I would adopt the baby as my own. Our life was settled. I was so happy, I laughed out loud.”
Fuma raised his head and stared me straight in the face. The pain in his eyes made me wince. He had lived with this terrible knowledge for who knew how long. Each day, it must have been his first waking thought. No doubt, now and then he would be distracted by something and his soul would know a moment of peace, but always the terrible guilt would be lurking at the back of his mind, waiting to sour his every thought. I knew instinctively that this was the reason he had turned his back on his heritage. It was this that had driven him from society to lead the life of a lowly wokou. I spoke to him quietly.
“What is done is done, Fuma. It was very wrong of you, but nothing on this earth can undo it. You will never forget your thoughts at that time. But torturing yourself does no honor to your father’s spirit, or to you.”
“Thank you.” He bowed his head stiffly. “I don’t doubt you’re right. I was mad, I think. Mad for love of my father’s wife. And I soon found out that the gods had already devised a fitting punishment for my sins. It began almost the moment I ran to Chiaki and told her the good news.” He winced at his own words. “I expected her to be as delighted as I was. But I was wrong. She was sitting with her brother, a mound of cushions giving support to her back. When I blurted out what the messenger had told me, it was Kakuji she looked at, not me.”
Nineteen
If you must sail on
The sea, take care. Monsters lurk
Beneath the calm waves
I knew when Fuma hesitated what the end of his tale was going to be. I could have stopped him at that point and saved great pain for him. But my intuition also told me that he needed to tell the rest. That if anything was left unsaid it would fester within him forever and he would never find any ease in this life. So I made the decision to share his pain. I said encouragingly, “Go on.”
“It was the start of the end of the fantasy I had been living. Also the end of my joy in this life. Although it was only when looking back that I realized it. At the time, I was too bewildered to understand a great deal. As soon as I finished speaking, Chiaki began sobbing. She wailed her distress at the loss of her husband, and Kakuji put his arms around her before I could move to offer her my embrace.
“‘My sister and I thank you for bringing us this news yourself,’ he said stiffly. ‘As I’m sure you can appreciate, Chiaki would like to be alone with her grief.’
“And that was it. He turned away as if he were master of the house and not me. I was disconsolate as I walked away, but I reassured myself that of course it was necessary that she should appear greatly distressed. As should I. After a moment’s thought, I realized that I really was deeply upset. Was it possible that somehow my desperate thoughts had reached out to Father? Had I somehow had a hand in his sudden death? The thought appalled me, but my love for Chiaki triumphed over everything else. We could be together at last. And I knew it was spiteful, but I immediately decided that in the future, we would see less of her brother. She had no need of any other man in her life. She had me—that would be enough.
“I went straight to the house steward and asked him to pass the news on to the servants. I felt humbled as I saw the tears in that good man’s eyes. Even more so when he bowed deeply and called me ‘master.’
“I felt uneasy with the title. It did not fit me, nor did I deserve it. Perhaps it was nonsense to think I had killed my father, but I had felt great joy when I heard of his death, and I regretted that bitterly. However, much worse was to follow.
“I went to Chiaki’s apartment that night, eagerly anticipating our lovemaking. She was not there. Her futon had been laid out but was not disturbed.
“I tried each of the guest rooms in turn and found them empty. I must have made more noise than I had thought, as Kakuji slid back his shoji and blinked at me as though he was astonished by my presence.
“‘Are you unwell, Fuma?’ he asked. I noticed the lack of politeness but chose to ignore it, for the moment, at least. I was too frantic with worry for Chiaki to care greatly. ‘Can you not sleep? That is only natural, after such devastating news. Chiaki felt the same. She has moved into Lord Akimoto’s apartment. She hopes to feel his presence close to her.’
