Spider, p.6
Spider, page 6
“Thank you, I would love to take a bath,” I said politely. “But perhaps I could have a word with my maid first? She is a country girl, and very gauche. I would be most unhappy if she upset your servants with her clumsy manner.”
I could imagine Niko’s expression if she had heard me say that. But I knew that Soji would be bewildered by my genuine concern for my younger sister; an inconsequential lie would smooth the path.
“Most considerate!” He smiled approvingly. A servant came in to clear the dishes, and Soji asked him to show me where Niko was. I wondered if Soji even knew where the servants’ quarters were.
I was pleased to find that Niko was already deep in sleep, curled up on a comfortable futon with Matsuo at her side. I left her to her dreams.
Seven
You seem wary. Do
You think that like a spider
I will eat you up?
The bath was hot—almost too hot. After a few moments, my skin turned bright pink with the heat. The water smelled faintly of minerals—quite soothing.
When I was ready to get out, I called out and a maid appeared at once. As soon as I stepped out of the bath, she dried me and then wrapped me in a sleeping robe. It was very late by now, so late it was the early hours of the morning rather than late at night, and I felt guilty that she had either been awoken to attend to me or had never even found her futon. I murmured my thanks to her and she looked startled. My room was warmed by a glowing charcoal burner, my futon was thick and luxurious, the kakebuton already thrown back in invitation to climb on and tuck it around me. My wet, dirty clothes had vanished—I assumed an unseen servant had collected them. I snuggled down, marveling that not so long ago this had been my normal way of life and I would have thought nothing of it at all.
I stretched and made myself comfortable. I would not sleep, too many questions buzzed around my mind like so many bees searching for nectar. I was no longer so anxious about the short delay. Akira was right, nothing happened by chance. I was here for a reason, and no doubt that reason would be revealed to me when the time was right. I could not and should not seek to change my fate. What was the point in trying to change the inevitable?
Gradually, my thoughts settled. My room was very pleasant. It would have been good to turn over and sleep in the comfort Soji had provided for me so very generously. But there was no point.
Intuition told me that Soji would be with me before very long. He had been shocked to see me, but I had read great pleasure beneath his formal courtesy. Not the pleasure of welcoming an esteemed sister-in-law, but rather simple pleasure that I was there. I had sensed nervousness as well. And anticipation. True, his emotions had been muddled, but I was certain of him all the same. It had to be this night. At this moment, he would be wound tight with nervous energy. He must surely know that I had always worshipped the ground he walked on. He had always been pleasant and courteous toward me when I was younger, but tonight I had seen startled admiration and interest in his eyes when he looked at me.
Soji had said we would talk more in the morning, but I knew that the visit that was to come very soon had little to do with talk. I did so hope that after almost a lifetime of waiting, I would not be disappointed.
When it finally came, the scratch on my shoji was so faint that if I had fallen asleep, it would not have awoken me. Even through the silk screen, I sensed the tense blur of Soji’s emotions. Nervousness, certainly. But also intense excitement and anticipation. Dear Soji! I had loved him for so very long, surely it should be me who was nervous, and not him.
“Come in,” I called softly. As I spoke, I realized how very unsure I really was. Suddenly, I wanted to change my mind. To call out again and say I wanted to sleep, would he please go away? Or perhaps it would be better to hope he had not heard me and stay silent, pretending I was deeply asleep? I was almost dizzy with apprehension. I had dreamed of this moment since I was a child. Now that it was here, I was torn. What if he proved to be a disappointment? Far worse, what if I was a disappointment to him? I was bewildered by my own anxiety. I was no virgin, quivering with fear on her wedding night. I was a woman who had taken lovers and enjoyed them. What was wrong with me now?
Before I could decide whether to speak or not, Soji made my mind up for me. The shoji slid back rather slowly, as if he feared it might make a noise. The country darkness pressed very firmly outside, so I had left a lamp burning, turned down low to no more than a yellow glow. Shoji was silhouetted against it as he walked into the room. He paused and slid the screen carefully shut behind him. Who was to see us, I wondered? The servants were surely asleep. No doubt Soji’s other guest was also deep in his dreams.
“Ah, Keiko-chan, I do hope I didn’t wake you.” His voice was very low. He sounded as nervous as I felt. I found that both reassuring and charming and I relaxed a little.
“Not at all,” I responded. How absurdly polite I sounded, as if a visit from my brother-in-law in the middle of the night was perfectly normal. “I always find it difficult to sleep in strange surroundings. I…I am delighted to see you.”
Was I? Already, I was beginning to think that this was a terrible mistake. Some dreams are surely better left as dreams, and certainly this was one of them.
Soji stood half a body’s length away from my futon and fidgeted. I waited for him to speak; I had no more words. But just like me, Soji seemed to be having great difficulty in finding not just the right words, but any words at all.
When he did manage to speak, he sounded very serious.
“That is most kind of you. I do realize that I am unforgivably discourteous, disturbing you at this time of night, but I was so delighted by your unexpected visit, I really couldn’t sleep for thinking about you. And of course, as we are now so closely related by marriage, nobody could see any harm in it.” Soji had rehearsed this speech, I could tell. I sat very straight, wondering what could possibly come next. “In any event, as you are still awake, I hope you might welcome my company. I needed to have a chat with you at once. I was sure that you would forgive my impatience.”
I knew my lips were moving, but no sound came from between them. Something was very wrong here. I was puzzled and I also began to feel embarrassment stealing over me. Soji had said he was impatient, yet he had not made a move toward me. Instead, he was standing a respectable distance away, his gaze politely averted from my sleeping robe.
Quite clearly, I had misread his signals dreadfully. I squirmed with humiliation and pulled my kakebuton around my shoulders. I hunched into it like a tortoise hiding in its shell. Soji nodded. After a moment, I understood that he was pleased with what he took to be my modesty.
If the gods had seen fit to take my life at that moment, I would have accepted their decision with relief. But they did not, and I was forced to listen politely as Soji spoke again. His voice was very earnest. He held his hands clasped in front of his chest and his head was bowed at a subservient angle. I suddenly realized that he was trying to look reassuring, almost as if he was worried that I was afraid of him. Now, I was not only profoundly humiliated, I was also confused.
“Dear Keiko-chan, when you were a child, you had a beautiful spirit. I am delighted to find you have not changed.”
Even through my embarrassment, I noticed wryly that it was my spirit that Soji found beautiful, and not my face. Emiko’s influence, of course. She had always told me that I was plain beyond belief. That I was too ugly to ever hope to find a husband. I knew now that she was wrong. Many men had found me lovely, and I was feminine enough to find that very pleasing. But I could not bring myself to be hurt by his words. Soji had given me the only moments of kindness I had ever enjoyed in my childhood, and I was still intensely grateful for that. Although I was mystified by his visit now, I was relieved that I had been wrong about his intentions. He had been my hero for so very long, it was far better that my illusions remained pure and whole and he remained unobtainable. Making love to Soji would surely have been like making love to a brother. I shuddered at the thought.
“Thank you,” I said quickly.
Soji looked pleased and went on at once. “Ever since you arrived at my door, I’ve been thinking how remarkable it is that karma sent you here at this precise time. A week ago, I was in my main residence in Edo. I only decided I was in need of the peace and quiet of the countryside on a whim. If the weather had not been so bad today, I would have set off back there this morning. You see? It’s all obviously karma.”
I nodded silently. The tide of emotions I had ridden in a few short moments had left me exhausted. I really wanted Soji to go, to leave me in peace with my humiliation.
“The gods are truly kind,” I muttered.
“Ah, you see how in harmony we are? My own thought exactly, Keiko-chan. I can see that you are tired. I will leave you very shortly. But before I go, I must tell you why I found it necessary to approach you at this absurd hour. I know you will understand when I tell you what was so important that I could not bring myself to wait for another moment.”
I was bewildered and had no idea what he was talking about. I forced a stiff smile, and he nodded approvingly as if I had spoken.
“We have known each other for many years. You were always such a sweet child. I always found you to be a soothing presence. I am delighted to find that that has not changed. And I assure you, I understand all that you have been through in recent times. Losing Isamu and your father so brutally would surely have broken a weaker woman. I admire you greatly, and I want to tell you that I have thought of you often while you have been away.”
His tone was flattering, and I began to feel uneasy. I yawned, patting my hand in front of my mouth, but Soji failed to take the hint.
“If you had not come to my house tonight, I assure you I would have sought you out as soon as you returned to Edo. I know you will be delighted when I tell you that I have made my mind up. I intend to take you as my second wife.”
Eight
If you look very
Carefully, can you see our
Future in a web?
There was no comfort in my futon. First, I was too hot, but when I threw my kakebuton back, I was cold. I fidgeted until my bedclothes were full of creases. I was so embarrassed, I considered waking Niko and telling her we were leaving. Now.
Eventually, my own relentless thoughts exhausted me and I fell into a light sleep where even my own dreams mocked me. When I awoke, I thought it was still night. My lamp had gone out, and the room was so dark I almost turned over and went back to sleep, but only for a moment. The sleep fled from my brain rapidly and the memory of Soji’s shocking proposal flooded back in immediately.
He had taken my stunned silence for mute pleasure. Murmuring fond endearments, he had gathered his sleeping robe tightly around himself and left me alone, pausing at the door to assure me that we would talk later, at a more appropriate time. When he finally left, I sat and stared at the closed shoji, hardly able to pull my own thoughts together. Oddly, uppermost in my mind was my nursery amah’s constant warning. Be careful what you wish for, you may get it! A year ago, I would have been transported with happiness at Soji’s proposal. Even to be his second wife would have left me rapturous with joy. Now, I was appalled.
True, when I had been left with nothing, and even hope had deserted me, I had briefly considered throwing myself at Emiko’s feet and begging her to show me charity and allow me to live with her and Soji. But even then, I had dismissed the idea quickly. Emiko had always treated me as more of a servant than a sister. She would have gloated over my downfall; my life with her would have been a misery. And I knew what her reaction would be now if I suddenly turned up as Soji’s prospective “wife.” She would never forgive me. Or Soji.
Even though she had been deeply reluctant to marry Soji, she would perceive it as an insult to her that he had taken me as his wife. She would have done her very best to ensure that my every moment was torture. And as a mere concubine—which was all being a second wife really was—I would have been subordinate to my sister in every way. If I argued, I would have been punished. If she thought I was being disrespectful, I would have been beaten. And Soji would have had no say in the matter; these things were tradition. The way things were.
It was kind of Soji to consider me, but it was not going to happen. I would lie to him as soon as he appeared in the morning, find a reason why I had to get back to Edo at once, and then I would disappear from his life. He would no doubt be bewildered, but I was not about to commit myself to a lifetime of misery to spare his hurt feelings.
I shuddered with embarrassment as I recalled how I thought the night was going to end. I was only thankful that I had been given no chance to betray myself. I was thirsty and longed for tea, but my room was very dark, and it was obviously far too early for me to think about getting up. Even the servants would not be awake at this time, especially after finding their rest disturbed by our unexpected arrival. My charcoal-burner had died, and the room felt damp and chilly. I punched my sobakawa pillow—filled with buckwheat, such pillows give excellent support to the neck—into shape. I pulled my kakebuton around me for warmth and lay back. I dozed again, waiting for dawn to give me my signal to rise.
I was startled into wakefulness when my shoji was slid back.
“Good morning! You’re awake, at last. I’ve looked in twice, but you seemed to be asleep, so I didn’t want to disturb you.”
Niko, with Matsuo at her heels. She squatted by the side of my futon and smiled. Still groggy with my fitful sleep, I shook my head in an attempt to order my thoughts.
“Niko? What are you doing up so early? Is there something wrong?”
“Early?” Niko raised her eyebrows in a pantomime of astonishment. “It’s not early at all. It’s nearly mid-morning.”
I blinked and sat up abruptly. “It can’t be! It’s still dark. I thought it was the middle of the night.”
“That’s because of the weather.” Niko hunkered down, making herself comfortable. There was something so final in her movement that I was forced to believe her. “You can’t hear it in here so much because you’re facing the courtyard and your room’s sheltered by the trees. You have to shout to be heard in the kitchen, the rain’s coming down so hard. The clouds are still low as well. Between the rain and clouds, it might as well still be night.”
I gasped in dismay. Our journey today was going to be terribly uncomfortable. But we had to get on our way. Awkward though it would be, I could not leave without speaking to Soji. I would go to him at once and do my best to be deeply appreciative of his kind offer. When I had convinced him of my delight at the honor he had paid me, I would explain that it was essential that I return to Edo. I hoped he would not ask questions. If he did, I would lie and explain that my old friend in Sendai had tasked me with an important errand. Women’s matters, nothing that could interest him. I was sure he would probe no further. I would ask him if we could take one of his menservants as an escort. Of course, there was always the chance that he would insist that he would accompany us, but knowing Soji, I doubted that he would. Travel for days in this terrible weather, when he could stay warm and comfortable at the hunting lodge? There was no doubt in my mind which he would choose.
Of course, his servant would be absent for far longer than he was expecting, and when he finally returned to his master, Soji would be bewildered to learn that I had gone to Kobe, rather than Edo. But I had no doubt that if he told Emiko of his plans for our marriage, he would soon come to regard my strange behavior as the most fortunate of escapes.
“That’s a shame about the weather.” I shrugged my thoughts aside and spoke briskly. “As soon as we’ve eaten and I can get an escort, we’ll go on our way and get back on Tokaido Highway.”
Niko’s eyes were wide. She stared at me in such amazement that I was annoyed. Didn’t I have enough to worry about with Soji without her being dramatic?
“What? What is it?”
“Go? We can’t go anywhere. Not today, at least. Probably not for a few days to come.”
“Have your senses gone astray, Niko?” I said sharply. “I know the weather’s bad, and I’m sorry we’re going to be cold and wet, but we’ll survive. We leave today.”
But Niko was shaking her head. “No, it’s not the weather. Or at least, not just the weather,” she explained patiently. “The cook sent a man out to Yumoto for supplies this morning. His larder is running a bit low, as Soji wasn’t expected, and then we turned up as well.”
“So?” I broke in impatiently. “If there isn’t enough food to go round, then the sooner we go, the better.”
“Oh, there’s plenty of food now. The servant came back with a laden packhorse. But he said the highway even back to Yumoto was very difficult. With such heavy rain overnight, it’s almost a lake in places and getting worse by the hour. But it’s not just that. The guards at the checkpoint in Yumoto told him that there are a number of big, old trees down toward Mishima and that Tokaido Highway is blocked there. Nobody wants to go out and get them off the track in this weather. Besides, the guards said, nobody in their right mind would want to travel now, so there was no hurry.”
“We’ll get around them, somehow,” I said stubbornly. “We can get off the main road and take one of the side roads if we have to.”
Niko was shaking her head sadly. I stared at her anxiously, wondering what more bad news she had to tell me.
“We could, but it’s not going to help. I told the servant who came back with the food that you would want to go as soon as possible, but he said it was impossible. He’s a gloomy sort of man, and he was obviously pleased to tell me that the guards had told him that even if we got around the fallen trees, the way was impassable just beyond Mishima anyway. He told me that the road dips low, and a river is nearby. Normally, you would be able to cross it without much trouble, but with all this rain, the river’s turned the whole area into a torrent. He says nobody can cross it at the moment, even a strong horse would be swept away. I said we would go across the fields in that case, but apparently that’s no good either. All the fields around are deep under water. It would be madness to try.”
