The real me, p.18
The Real Me, page 18
I went to work and tried not to think about Trevor and my messages. I listened to them all and he pleaded with me to just give him a chance. He was breaking my heart. He was so sincere and he had been so honest with me, other than not telling me about his son immediately, but I understood why. I just, well, I just can’t do this. To him, to myself and especially not to Jayden. So I was doing the right thing. Or so I tried to convince myself.
Ben walked in around eight a.m. and I was already in a mood.
“Hey buttercup. I got a shit ton of texts and phone calls from Lacie last night. What’s going on?”
I growled at him, “Not now Ben. I am too busy and I can’t deal with anymore.”
He smiled at me. He actually smiled at me, can you believe it? Ugh! “Hey buttercup. Lighten up. Just call the guy. Sounds like he’s really losing it over you not talking to him.”
I slammed my pen down on the desk and said, “Yes he is losing it. Thirty text messages, eighteen voicemails. I can’t do this. He needs to just move on. I’m not good enough for him or Jayden.”
Ben was furious and I had never seen him respond in this manner. He pulled me up from my chair and drug me into the locker room at the nurses’ station. Once he closed the door and locked it he got in my face.
“Don’t you ever let me hear you say you are not good enough for anyone! Do you understand me?”
Ben’s face was fire red and I thought he was going to explode.
“Vanessa, you are more amazing than you give yourself credit for and that guy has it bad for you. Stop being a bitch and call him. Give him a chance. I know you want to. I saw you two together and the damn sparks were shooting off you like fireworks on the Fourth of July. Get over yourself, stop wallowing in self-pity, suck it up and put on your big girl panties. CALL HIM!”
He unlocked the door and stormed out of the room.
I went back to my desk and tried to concentrate. I got beeped to a room at the end of the hall for assisting on a patient lift. I walked in and it was one of our most difficult patients to lift. He generally became combative because he just didn’t understand and he got scared. He’s also the gentleman that grabbed my wrist recently.
Totally understandable. But the aides in the room were fairly new and not doing well at calming him. I moved up beside him and spoke, quietly and calmly.
“Hi Mr. Farley. How are you doing today?”
He grunted in response. Okay, I could see this was going to be fun.
“Okay Mr. Farley, we need to move you in the lift and put you in the wheelchair.”
I went through the directions and helped place him in the position for the lift. Things were going fine until the aide did something, not even sure what, but next thing I knew Mr. Farley jerked in the lift and somehow I was on the receiving end of the majority of his body crashing into mine sending me across the floor on my side.
The aides got Mr. Farley back down on the bed and released the lift then came running over to me. Shit, my hand really hurt and so did my ankle. They helped me up and got me into a chair in the room until I could assess what just happened.
Sometimes the younger aides just weren’t a good idea. They didn’t have enough training and to be honest they didn’t care. The younger generation lacked the drive and motivation to be in a career. It was sad to say, but true.
The one aide paged the doctor on staff for the morning and unfortunately it was Ben. He came into the room and looked at me. “Are you okay?”
I shook my head then said, “I’ll be alright. It just hurts like hell. I think I’m just banged up a little. It’s my left ankle and my right wrist. I can’t even tell you what happened.”
He checked out my ankle and determined that it seemed as if nothing was broken, but we would need to get an x-ray to be sure. My wrist was pretty much the same story. It didn’t appear to be broken. Extremely sore and painful, but I would need an x-ray.
Ben said, “Why don’t you call in a replacement, then call Lacie and ask her to take you for an x-ray at the hospital.”
I nodded then walked down the hall to the nurses’ station again. My ankle was sore, but it seemed okay. My wrist was really hurting me though.
I called Lacie and she picked up on the second ring.
“Hey, I was going to call you later. Why didn’t you call Trevor back and why weren’t you answering your calls last night?”
I groaned into the phone out of frustration.
“Sorry Lacie. I was having, as Ben would say a pity party for myself. I just didn’t feel like dealing with Trevor last night. I told him that I didn’t think he should call me and I knew he wouldn’t listen so I turned my phone off.”
Lacie wasn’t going to let it go.
“I don’t understand. Trevor said you guys went out and you met his son and had a great time. Did you not have a good time?”
I guess this conversation was going to happen, even while I was in pain.
“Yes, Lacie. I had a great time. I like Trevor and Jayden way too much. I’m not a commitment kind of girl. You know that. I just can’t get any further involved with them. I don’t want to hurt them and quite honestly, I don’t want to be hurt either. Which brings me to why I’m calling you. I just got hurt at work. I need someone to take me to the hospital to get some x-rays. Can you come get me?”
Lacie recovered quickly, “Oh my gosh Vanessa. Are you okay? Of course I’ll come get you.”
I assured her I was fine other than having a little bit of pain, but I just didn’t want to drive myself until I was sure my wrist wasn’t fractured. She assured me she would be here in a few minutes to just sit tight.
About thirty minutes later, I looked up from the nurses’ station desk where I was still trying to figure out how to write up the report when even I wasn’t sure what had happened when a deep voice that sent shivers through my body said, “I’m here to take you to get checked out. Are you okay?”
My head shot up and I met Trevor’s concerned eyes.
“Where’s Lacie?”
He shook his head, “Seriously? That’s what you say to me? I’ve been worried sick about you. You haven’t answered one of my texts, nor my phone messages. I show up here because Lacie called saying you got hurt at work and she was coming to take you to the hospital. I freaked. Damn it Vanessa. I want to be the person you call for help. I want to be the one that you can depend on. Why won’t you let me?”
From behind Trevor came Ben.
“Yeah Vanessa, why won’t you let him?”
Trevor turned to look at Ben then turned a cold stare back at me.
“Alright! Enough. I’m sorry Trevor. I freaked out. I enjoyed yesterday way more than I wanted to admit and I got scared. Is that what you want to hear?”
Trevor looked at me drawing his brows together saying, “I just want the truth Vanessa. Come on let’s get you checked out. Can you walk?”
I nodded and got up from my seat to move around the desk.
When I came beside Trevor, he put his arm around my waist and helped me to his car. Before we moved away from the nurses’ station, Ben said, “Take care, Vanessa. Text me when you have time to let me know how the x-rays turn out.”
Trevor said, “We’ll let you know.”
I just glared at him over my shoulder. I wanted to give him the finger but my wrist hurt too much to move it and I didn’t bother.
Trevor was quiet on the way to the hospital. I was starting to feel nervous sitting next to him in the silence. I wasn’t sure what else to say to him though. I mean, I was ignoring his messages because I felt like it was all too much. He was too much. Thank God the hospital was a short ride. We pulled up out front and he got out to help me inside then left me in the waiting room while he parked the car. He came back in and saw me struggling to fill out the forms. I was balancing the clip board on my lap and trying to hold it steady while I wrote. Luckily I was left-handed so I could write. Trevor came over leaning into me and holding the clip board so I could write. I looked up and our heads were so close. His lips so close to mine and I said, “Thank you.”
He was still angry. I could see that. But he nodded and just stayed close.
The forms were completed and we were just waiting now. I looked at Trevor and he was staring at the wall straight ahead of him. I saw him take out his phone and send a text message.
“If you need to go Trevor, I can call a cab after I’m done to take me home.”
He turned his eyes to mine and glared at me.
“Is it that hard to be around me Vanessa?”
I shook my head at him. “That’s not what I meant. God. Why are you so frustrating?”
Trevor laughed, “Me? I’m frustrating? Damn it woman! You ignored me last night. You completely shut me out and I’m frustrating? If you want me to leave, I’ll go. Just say the word.”
I looked in his eyes and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell him to go. I wanted to. I really wanted him to leave and never look back. That way I wouldn’t get hurt and neither would Jayden nor himself. But I just couldn’t say the words.
Trevor reached out his hand putting it on the back of my neck, pulling me to him. Our lips were so close.
He spoke, “Don’t shut me out, sweetheart. I want to be with you. I want to know you. I was going crazy last night trying to reach you.”
His lips gently touched mine and I melted. How the hell did he do this to me? I don’t melt! When he pulled his lips back from the oh so quick and definitely not satisfying enough kiss, he smirked. I was leaning into him and he knew I wanted more.
“Easy, we need to keep it PG rated.” He chuckled with those words and I pulled away.
“You’re an ass!”
The only response I could come back with. Even my snark was broken.
The nurse took me back and we did the x-ray. The doctor came in and nothing was broken. Thank God, but I did have a sprain to the wrist and the ankle was actually feeling pretty good, just a little sore. He surmised that most likely it was just bruised. Till it was all said and done, no work for the week and I needed a brace for my wrist. Fuck! What the hell was I going to do with myself?
Trevor was going to take me home then said, “Do you mind if I stop by my mom’s before taking you home. I have a dinner meeting tonight and I won’t get to see Jayden. My mom is keeping him overnight. So since I’m out, I figured I’d make a stop there.”
What was I supposed to say? No, I don’t think that’s a good idea, since you dropped everything to come help me and all. Really?
“Of course. I’m okay with that.”
We got to his mom’s house and there was laughing and giggling coming from the living room and we headed in that direction. When we entered the room Jayden was on the floor doing somersaults and Sandy was right next to him, not actually tumbling but pretending she just couldn’t understand how he was doing it. I stood watching and smiling. Trevor in his suit and all went over and hit the floor immediately tumbling over while Jayden squealed and laughed in delight. God it was so damn sexy watching him with his son.
Jayden turned and saw me standing in the doorway and came running to me. “Vanessa! You’re here!”
He stopped in front of me and pointed to my wrist.
“What happened to your wrist?”
I held it up and shrugged. “I had a little work injury. But your daddy took me to get it looked at and I’ll be okay in a few days.”
Jayden looked at me with those beautiful grayish blue eyes and said, “Did Daddy kiss it for you, because that’s what he does for me?”
Jayden turned to look at Trevor and said, “Did you kiss if for her, Daddy?”
Trevor froze looking into my eyes and shook his head no.
Jayden was pointing at my wrist and said, “Daddy! That’s the most important thing! You have to kiss it for her or else it won’t get better!”
Trevor got up and moved toward us. He held up his hands in surrender. He gently took my wrist in his hands, then placed a gentle kiss over my thumb where it was exposed from the brace. He pulled back still holding my wrist, looking into my eyes, “All better.”
I smiled at him but my heart twisted inside my chest. God what he did to me.
Jayden seemed happy enough with that and scampered off to his grandmother again.
I stood frozen with Trevor still holding my wrist.
He was staring into my eyes then Jayden yelled, “Daddy!”
“Coming Jayden.”
Trevor dropped my hand and turned to go to his son. I took a shaky breath in and didn’t realize Sandy was watching.
She moved next to me and said, “It seems that both of them are smitten with you.”
I looked at her and shook my head.
“No, Trevor and I are just friends.”
She smiled, “Keep telling yourself that dear. Maybe eventually you’ll actually believe it. The way he showed up here this morning, I assure you, he doesn’t just want to be your friend.”
She winked then walked into the kitchen. Fuck. Me.
Chapter 22
Trevor
I was madder than hell. I was ready to drive over to her house and demand answers, but I couldn’t take Jayden with me to yell at the woman who he couldn’t stop talking about. Jayden loved every minute with her today. She bought him cotton candy and leaned in to take a huge bite from the large sugar treat.
Jayden laughed as she had it all over her face. He leaned in and did the same as Vanessa then I had two sticky monsters. I laughed at the two of them and could have cared less about the sticky mess. To hear my son laughing that way and smiling, that was priceless to me. Seeing Vanessa with him and her being so relaxed, also priceless.
Vanessa was great with Jayden. She took him to the restroom and even had to field the “Are you my mommy” question. I guess Jayden had more questions about his actual mother but I hated to talk about her because it was very hard for me to not talk badly of her. But that would come later. Right now the woman who was so good with my son is now blowing me off. I want to scream and curse but I have to keep it cool because I don’t want to scare Jayden.
I left her another message, “Please Vanessa, pick up the phone. Talk to me sweetheart. Why are you pushing me away? I don’t understand.” Beep. Damn it! The voice mail cut me off. I texted her.
Me: Vanessa, please. Text me. Tell me what is wrong. I just don’t understand. We had a great time. I saw you with Jayden and you lit up. He lit up and the two of you so happy together made my day. Damn Vanessa, I want to talk to you. I want to feel you next to me again. I want to be inside of you again. Stop ignoring me. We need to see where this thing can go. I know you feel it too. Don’t walk away.
No answer back. Shit! I called Lacie. I got her involved. She texted me back telling me that Vanessa wasn’t answering her either. Well at least it wasn’t just me she was ignoring. I left so many messages and texts for her. I tried to go to sleep. I think finally around three a.m., I fell asleep.
Now this morning, to get that phone call from Lacie that something happened to Vanessa at work and she got hurt, I panicked. I told her I would go get her. I’ll be damned if I’d pass up the opportunity to talk to her, plus I needed to see for myself that she was okay.
When I showed up at the nursing home and she was sitting at the nurse’s desk, I took a deep breath, because thankfully, she looked okay. Then I moved in and spoke. When her eyes met mine, the air left my lungs. I was furious with her, but I still wanted to pull her to me and not let her go. When Ben came up behind us and repeated my question to her, I wanted to hit him. Because he was there. Because he was always there and because he seemed to never be far from Vanessa. I hated it, but I’d be damned if I’d back down from the competition.
The whole drive to the hospital I kept playing over and over again her words at the nursing home. She had said she freaked out, she got scared. Why? Also saying on the phone in text messages to me that she wasn’t a commitment kind of person. What does that mean? I’m not asking her to marry me.
Wow, that created an image. Vanessa in a white dress walking to me. Waking up with her next to me every morning in bed. Damn. I barely knew her, yet I could see it. Shit! Now I get it. She’s trying to push me away to protect who though? Herself? Me? Jayden? All the above I’m guessing.
I eased up on the anger and I just tried to help her in whatever way I could. After we knew she was okay, I hated to ask her to stop by my mom’s place but I really wanted to see Jayden, plus I wanted more time with her, even if that meant I had to share her.
When Jayden demanded I kiss Vanessa’s wrist, my damn heart was in my throat. I wanted to kiss all of her and I couldn’t do that in front of Jayden. I saw my mom talking to Vanessa and I thought I saw Vanessa blush. My mom walked away into the kitchen and Vanessa met my eyes for a moment before she followed my mom. Oh brother, that could be trouble. I wrestled with Jayden for a bit then I sent him upstairs on a mission to find something that I knew wasn’t there. I needed to sneak into the other room to hear what was going on.
As I moved into the doorway still hidden from their view I heard Vanessa saying, “It’s just not practical. I mean, we barely know one another and I don’t want to hurt Jayden. He’s such a sweet boy.”
My mom spoke up, “Well then don’t hurt him. Or my son.”
Vanessa laughed, “Oh okay, why didn’t I think of that.”
I heard my mom laugh. “I can see why my son likes you. You say what you think. Except for what you’re feeling. Why is that? If you don’t hold back on things, why hold back your feelings?”
I held my breath waiting for the answer. Vanessa was quiet and when she answered I felt the air being pressed out of my lungs.
“I spent a long time when I was younger wondering what I did wrong that no one wanted me. I realized that I was alone in the world and I’d been hurt by so many people who would come and talk to me at the orphanage then turn away. I decided then that I wouldn’t let anyone hurt me again. I didn’t need anyone to adopt me. I didn’t want anyone’s love. I could take care of me and I would. I was never going to set myself up again. I was never going to let anyone break my heart. I knew I was a nobody that didn’t deserve to be loved, so I shut down. No one gets in. I can’t.”
