I’d come home and watch her feed Ella. Her gorgeous full breasts out. I wanted to sidle up next to my daughter and feast right along with her. One night, I palmed myself while I watched her, stroking myself over my clothes. Abigail got disgusted with me.

  “Shawn, stop it. Don’t do that in front of her.”

  With those words, I knew my friend Joel was right. Heading into the second month, I pressed Abigail for more. She relented, but her heart wasn’t in it. She was holding back. I asked her if it hurt and she said no, but that was it. It wasn’t what it had been.

  About four months after Ella was born, I came home and Ella was in her crib. Abigail was taking a shower, and I stripped down and climbed in behind her. I pressed her up against the shower wall and told her I wanted to fuck her hard in the shower, bent over from behind. I wanted to see her come all over my dick.

  She sighed.

  She fucking sighed, like it was the last thing she’d ever want. I moved away from her and asked, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

  She turned, looked at me and cried.

  “I’m exhausted, Shawn. Ella needs me for everything. I clean the house. I do the laundry and I cook. I just don’t have anything left. I’m so tired all the time. I’m sorry. I just can’t.”

  I stormed out of the shower and dried off. I slammed the bathroom door, grabbed my clothes, and left. I called Joel and we went out to the bar. I drank until I couldn’t feel anymore. I told Joel how he was right and I haven’t had good sex since the day Ella was born. I thought blue balls in high school sucked, but it sucked way more now that I knew what I was missing.

  A woman approached me and whispered in my ear, “I can cure those blue balls for you.”

  I hesitated for a second, then I let her lead me to the back hallway of the bar. She fell to her knees in front of me. As she slid my zipper down and pulled my dick out my pants, I thought about stopping it, but then I saw Abigail looking up at me and moaned, “Yes, Abs, suck me hard.”

  That’s exactly what she did. When she was finished, I was still hard. I pulled her skirt up, turned her around to face the wall, slid the condom on and buried myself in her. I pounded her so hard I thought I would split her in two. With every thrust, I lifted her off the ground. I kissed up her neck, bit her neck just like she likes and murmured in her ear, “Abs, baby, I’ve missed you so much. I can’t get enough. Fuck, you feel so good.”

  I banged her against that wall. Joel came back to find me and said, “Go, Shawn. If you can’t soak your dick at home, then hit what comes your way.”

  I was at the edge and I roared as I came. I looked at Joel and said, “What the fuck, man? Don’t look at my wife.”

  Joel laughed and said, “I’m not, but that whore you just fucked? Yeah, I’m gonna look. I’m hoping I’ll get a turn.”

  I looked at the woman I was still inside and realized my mistake. It wasn’t Abigail.

  I pulled out of her and dropped to my knees, saying, “God forgive me.”

  I stayed at Joel’s that night. The next morning, I went home to my wife. I contemplated what to do.

  It was three weeks later and Abigail’s mom came over. She was taking Ella overnight and wanted us to enjoy a night to ourselves.

  Once she left with Ella, Abigail got dressed, took special care putting on makeup, sexy lingerie and a dress. When I got home from work and saw her, my heart broke apart in my chest. For the last few weeks, I stressed over what happened and why. I was a complete idiot. I was scared because the baby was changing things and I didn’t know how to stop it. I wasn’t ready to lose my wife to the baby, and that’s what it felt like. I was losing my wife because the baby needed her every second of the day.

  When Abigail strolled up to me and told me we had the house to ourselves, we could order pizza and just have each other for dessert or we could go out then come home to still have each other for dessert, I broke.

  I grabbed the woman I loved and kissed her hard and fierce then I pushed her back and said, “I’m so sorry, Abs.”

  She looked at me like I was insane. She said, “I don’t understand. Sorry for what, Shawn?”

  I turned my back to her and told her my sin against her, then I turned and fell at her feet, begging her for forgiveness.

  She walked out and didn’t come home for three days.

  When she finally came home, she moved my things to the spare bedroom and let me know that I was staying there indefinitely.

  seven

  Abigail

  Lying, cheating, son of a bitch. How could he do this to me? He slept with another woman in a bar. He didn’t even know her name but he let her have the piece of him that was supposed to be only for me. How could he do this to us?

  I stayed at my mom’s for three days. I told her that when Shawn came home from work, he wasn’t feeling well. He didn’t want to get me or Ella sick, so he thought I should stay with her for a couple of days.

  No one could know. There was no way I wanted anyone to know my shame. Shawn’s shame. No one. Not even Lacie. It was too much.

  I went home and told Shawn he could sleep with whoever he wanted, just not me and he didn’t have the right to sleep in our bed. I was devastated, but I needed to be strong for Ella. I wouldn’t let him break me.

  After a few weeks, Shawn was trying to get close to me. He would rub my shoulders or try to hug me and I couldn’t. The thought of it made me sick. I still loved him, but he hurt me and destroyed my faith in him. My trust in him. I never thought he’d ever cheat on me. Ever.

  After a few months of him trying and me pushing him away, he came home and looked beat. I was worried about him but then I remembered why I was so angry. He’d been working a lot, or was he?

  He moved into the room and said, “Can you ever forgive me, Abigail? I mean, it’s been months. I need you. I love you and I want us to be us again. Can we ever get back there, or are we over? I don’t want to keep hurting you. If you’re done, if you can’t get past this, I’ll give you a divorce. I don’t want you to be unhappy forever. You deserve better. You deserve to be happy.”

  I cried at his words. He got up, leaving the room. I got up, went to his room, and told him I was going out. I left and went to the bar he had gone to. I set out to find someone to get lost in. I mean, if he could do it, so could I, right?

  Sure enough, I walked into that bar and there sat his best friend, Joel. Perfect justice, right? I moved up next to Joel and asked if I could sit with him. We didn’t talk at first. After my third beer, Joel bumped my shoulder and asked, “What are you doing here, Abs?”

  I looked at him and said, “I don’t honestly know. It hurts, Joel. He hurt me.”

  Joel shook his head. “He hurt himself and I’m afraid I was part of it. I kept telling him how after the baby, you guys wouldn’t have sex again. I was goading him. I never expected you and Shawn to actually not have sex or for him to cheat. I mean, sorry, but we talk and shit, the sex you guys had sounded amazing. I was jealous. I wished I could have gotten that kind of action, and if you want to, I won’t say no, Abs. I’m a dick, but to be inside of you and to have you for just one night would be a fucking dream I couldn’t say no to. Shawn is my best friend, but fuck, you are absolutely fucking incredible. I’d die a happy man between your thighs. But I really don’t think that’s what you want, is it? I mean, the night Shawn hit that, I mean, well, you know, he was destroyed. I can tell you he was so fucked up. Until I told him it wasn’t you, he believed he was with you. Not that it makes it right, but he only wanted you.”

  I looked at Joel and realized why I never cared for him. Although I’m grateful for his brutal honesty, I couldn’t believe he’d think I would let him fuck me. I intentionally came here to hurt Shawn and find someone, even maybe Joel, but his crassness, his words, and his brutal honesty made me cry.

  He pulled me to him and muttered, “Fuck.”

  I cried on his shoulder for a few minutes, then I pulled myself together enough to know what I needed to do.

  “You don’t tell anyone about this. I mean no one is to know about Shawn screwing anyone but me. You don’t tell anyone I was here to settle the score. If I find out anyone knows about this, I will rip your fucking dick off for even thinking about being between my thighs. Got it?”

  Joel sat up straight, hand on his dick and said, “Yes, ma’am. No one by my lips.”

  I got up, walked out of the bar, and went home. When I got home, Shawn was on the sofa and I sat down next to him. He looked at me and asked, “Abs, you okay?”

  I turned to look at him.

  “No, I’m not okay. I don’t know if I’ll ever be okay again. I went out tonight to fuck someone to hurt you. I found Joel.”

  “What the fuck?”

  “Relax. Although your friend would have been more than willing, I was not. I still love you, Shawn. Only you. But I don’t trust you. Yes, you told me and you could have lied to me, but every night you come home late, I wonder where you were, who you were with and if she fucked better than me. What happened to us, Shawn?”

  He reached out to cup my cheek, and I flinched.

  His eyes dropped. “I ruined us. That’s what happened.”

  I shook my head. “No, we did this. I was so caught up before Ella, trying to keep you happy. I was at you constantly, even when I wasn’t really into it. I didn’t want to disappoint you. I mean, I knew you were disappointed about me getting pregnant, so I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t take care of everything. I lost part of myself by doing that. I lost the strong, independent woman I was because I got sucked in by you. I thought I was safe. I thought I could trust you and that was enough. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the sex, but I wanted you to hold me more than I wanted you to fuck me some days. That’s where I went wrong. I gave you what you wanted, but never got back what I needed.”

  “Abs, why didn’t you tell me?”

  I shrugged. “I didn’t want to push you away. I didn’t want to ruin us.”

  “Like I did.”

  “Shawn, I love you. I just don’t trust you right now. I don’t know how to get past that.”

  “If you want me to leave, I will. I’ll do whatever you want but know that I want to be here. I want to love you and I want only you, forever. Just like we planned. As far as trusting me, I know my word doesn’t mean much, but I will never hurt you again. You’ve always been it for me, Abs. Always. My mistake was selfish and the ultimate betrayal of what we have, but…” Shawn reached out and put his hand on my cheek urging me to meet his eyes. “Never again will I ever be with anyone but you. When I leave here, I go where I tell you I’m going and I won’t betray you. I love you, Abs.”

  “I’m going to need time, Shawn.”

  “Take as much time as you need, baby. I can wait. I mean that.”

  He leaned in and kissed my lips ever so gently, then whispered against them, “I’d wait forever to have five minutes with you again. Five minutes of you loving me like you always did, trusting me and believing in our love. Until then, I’ll wait.”

  He pulled back and walked away, while I sat and cried.

  eight

  Shawn

  Ella was almost a year old now. Abigail took some time and left me for a week. I didn’t know where she went, what she did, but I knew when she came back, she was different. She was not as tired. She looked rested. She wasn’t looking at me with anger. She smiled. She still kept her distance, but I had a feeling that there was some healing between us. God, I hoped there was anyway.

  Abigail and I slept apart. I was on the sofa most nights or on the floor in the spare room. But we talked. We made meals together and I helped her with Ella. We did things as a family—picnics, the zoo, the park. We looked like a normal family, only we still weren’t solid. We still were healing from my cheating.

  Every day, I would kiss Abigail on the cheek before leaving for work. I’d tell her that I loved her. This morning, we were in the kitchen and she was making breakfast while I watched Ella. I couldn’t take my eyes off her.

  “Abs, you’re beautiful.”

  She turned to look at me.

  “I’m a mess, Shawn.”

  I moved behind her and put my arms around her waist and told her what was in my heart.

  “You’ve never been a mess. You’ve always been beautiful. The way your hair shines in the sun, your light brown locks shimmering with strings of gold. Your eyes when you smile, the deep chocolate pools I want to lose myself in and your body. The curves you’ve always had were perfect, but since you carried Ella, damn, baby, you’ve filled out and the curves are perfection. Not just perfect any longer, but perfection. I know you don’t believe me but I truly have only ever wanted you. I love you, Abs. I hope you can come back to me.”

  To my surprise, she turned in my arms and looked in my eyes before kissing my lips gently.

  “Thank you, Shawn. I’m getting there. In fact, my mom wants to take Ella for an overnight stay this weekend. I was hoping we could spend some time together and talk.”

  “Whatever you want, Abs. I can pick up dinner, or if you feel like going out, we could go out and come home to talk.”

  Abigail looked at me and said, “I was thinking we’d grab some pizza like we used to when we were dating, then maybe go to the park.”

  I was stunned. I had my hopes up and was already wondering what this meant. Could this be Abigail’s way of forgiving me, or was she just testing the waters, wanting to go back in time?

  Whatever it was, I knew I would do whatever I had to so I could prove my love to her. My mistake should have ruined us, but now it was time to go back to when we fell in love. So many times when we were teenagers we’d grab pizza and then go to the park. Now, we were going to revisit those times, recreate them of sorts. My heart always belonged to Abigail. Now she was opening up and giving me another chance. One I wasn’t going to lose.

  All week I worked, came home, and sat with Abigail after Ella went to bed. I would pull her to me and let her cuddle on my chest like she used to. It was familiar yet new. I would kiss her head and run my hand down her arm and back up again. She would sigh contentedly and I felt like I was home. She was always home to me.

  When Abigail’s mom came to pick up Ella on Friday night, I was literally shaking inside. This was it. This was my chance to get my everything back, and I wasn’t going to fuck it up.

  nine

  Abigail

  Friday night finally arrived. All week, Shawn was attentive and the old Shawn. He was relaxed and not trying to please me. He was my Shawn. I feared that I had made things worse for us by my constant distrust of him. I let my fear of what-if destroy us more.

  I loved Shawn. I knew he loved me, but what he did destroyed a part of me inside. I never thought I’d ever see the day that he would betray us in that way. But, I let him down too. I changed. In a sense, I betrayed him as well. I portrayed “us” in a way that I couldn’t keep up with. I tried so hard to keep him happy that I lost myself in the process. That wasn’t us. We were always solid until I got pregnant.

  I knew it wasn’t a blame thing. He didn’t blame me for getting pregnant. After all, I didn’t do it alone. But I think part of him was scared. Hell, I was scared too. I didn’t want to lose “us” by becoming parents, but essentially, that was exactly what happened. Prior to having Ella, I just wanted “us” to be okay. I pushed myself to be sexual with him constantly during the pregnancy. Yes, part of it was the hormones raging through my body during the pregnancy, but part of it was to prove to myself and Shawn that nothing would change. That nothing had to change. Only it did. I changed us almost as much as Shawn did.

  I wasn’t saying that I’d take the blame for his indiscretion, but I would own my part of it. I portrayed us as this sex-crazed couple, when, in reality, I just wanted love. I wanted what we had before sex became a thing. I wanted my Shawn back. So, tonight, I was going to see if we could find each other again.

  After Mom left with Ella, I grabbed my purse, and Shawn and I left to grab pizza. I was nervous. It felt like a first date and, to be honest, there was a lot riding on tonight. Shawn took my hand in the car while we drove to the little mom-and-pop pizza shop in town. Once we parked, he squeezed my hand and I looked over at him.

  “Abs, relax, baby. It’s just us. Putting pressure on this night isn’t going to help us. Let’s just relax and let the night happen, okay?”

  I smiled and knew that this man was my forever. He could read me. But I had to be honest with him and he with me. Without us communicating with one another, this wasn’t going to work.

  “Thank you, Shawn. I feel like I need to try because everything is riding on tonight. But, you’re right. We need to just be us. No pressure, just Abigail and Shawn. No preconceived notions, no pushing to fix things, just two people who love one another and are spending a night reconnecting as a couple.”

  Shawn smiled at me and nodded. He got out of the car and moved around to open the door for me. When he reached out his hand to me, I took it. He held it walking into the pizza shop. Once we were seated by the waitress, who seemed to be doing double duty as hostess and server, we ordered. He put his hand out on the table for me to take it and I did.

  We sat in the pizza shop and talked about the past, growing up, the silly things we did together, like sneaking out of the house, praying we didn’t get caught. The time that we decided to go to the playground to act like kids again and the rain came. We were soaked through our clothes but we stayed and ran through the mud. Talking about how he made the first move on me so long ago but nearly gave me a concussion when I ran into him, almost falling, if he hadn’t had such great reflexes. Then we talked about Ella.

  When I watched Shawn talk about Ella, my heart felt like it would burst. He talked about her with pride in his eyes and love in his heart. It was what I was missing. Yes, I knew he loved her, but to see it on his face tonight, to feel it coming off him, was everything. I didn’t know if I was harboring fears of him never being able to truly love her, thinking I trapped him into having her, or if he blamed me for getting pregnant. But sitting here, watching him, I knew. I knew my fears were stopping us from moving forward and it was time to just trust us and believe in my Shawn again.

 

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