Collide, p.17
Collide, page 17
Jesse fell quiet, his face blank. He sat up and rubbed at his neck absently. His hand twitched again. He was really itching for a cigarette, and Hazard felt like he was the reason why. Jesse got off the bed and paced around the room for a minute. He poked and prodded around Max’s room, then walked to the door and touched the handle thoughtfully.
Hazard knew what had upset Jesse. He was upset because Emery was Hazard’s best friend, and Hazard had just said something that made everything between him and Jesse seem like revenge and nothing else. But it wasn’t like that, and Hazard longed to say this, but he couldn’t breathe. His heart was hammering in his chest, his fingers cold and numb with dread. Was Jesse mad at him? Oh God, what if he was going to end things with him? Hazard’s stomach plummeted, and his heart caught in his throat, thumping there. What if Jesse was going to end things? Was that what this tense silence was about? Oh God, why did it hurt so much not to know the answer to that?
This wasn’t right. He wasn’t gay. He was bisexual. Jesse was his friend, and what they did together wasn’t supposed to affect him like this. Right? That was what he’d thought before too. It wasn’t supposed to hurt in such a tragic hopeful way like this, but it did.
Jesse sat down again at the foot of the bed, running a hand through his hair. His voice was low. Hazard had to sit up and lean forward to hear him when he spoke.
“You act like it’s all a big deal.”
“It is!” Hazard insisted, voice cracking.
“We’re not going out or anything. Kiss whoever you want. Do whatever you want.” Jesse’s voice was thin and terse, as if he were trying to convince himself too. He paused. Hazard felt lousy. Jesse took a breath, then asked:
“Who, Hazard, do you end up with in the end, regardless?”
“You,” Hazard said, and then he realized what Jesse was implying. He recoiled, blushing. He stared down at his knees, a little stricken. He stood up, getting his hot chocolate from the bedside table. Jesse stayed where he was, fiddling with a hemp bracelet. Hazard watched him, throat tight.
He wondered why Jesse liked him. Jesse was cool. He could have whatever he wanted. Hazard was not really anything very exciting, just a smallish dark-haired boy who wore band T-shirts, button-ups, and Quiksilver, who was tiny and didn’t really look girly but wasn’t really badass, either. So of all the friends Jesse had or could have had benefits with, why on earth did he choose Hazard?
What was the word for this, this weird heat in his chest, something like hope and sadness at the same time? It squeezed onto his heart and ached in his throat.
One of the reasons he’d hung out with Jesse in the first place was to get back at Emery, but that wasn’t even the point anymore. That didn’t matter anymore. It was Christmas. Jesse was graduating at the end of the school year. What was going to happen then? Was Jesse going to call it off with him, or was he going to wait until he found the right girl? Hazard didn’t want to think about Jesse finding a girl he wanted to date or marry. He didn’t want to think about it happening to him either. He just didn’t know.
He thought about what Jesse had said, buzzed or not: You can love more than one person in your lifetime, you know.
Hazard skirted the edge of the bed. Jesse’s unwavering stare followed him as he moved. Hazard came to a halt in front of him and reached out, resting his hands on Jesse’s shoulders.
“Jesse,” Hazard whispered, so grateful for the seclusion in the bedroom, the isolation and the lack of distraction. “You know that’s true, right?”
Jesse tasted dry, but Hazard kissed him anyway, hooking an arm around his shoulder and kissing him quickly, pointedly. Jesse looked at him, a little confused. Hazard shrugged. He sat down in front of him and rested his head in his lap. There was a lump in his throat.
“Haz, it’s true for me too,” Jesse said. He ran his fingers through Hazard’s hair again, then trailed them up and down the back of his neck. Hazard shifted, heart pounding.
“I think I love you,” Hazard said, and then his breath wavered on his lips because he hadn’t even felt the words before they came out. They stunned him just as much as they stunned Jesse. Embarrassed, Hazard felt the need to explain. His voice shook. “Not like that—well, actually, yeah, like that—I mean, even if you find someone you like and we break this off or stop being friends, even if something happens and we never see each other again, I want you to know that. You said it yourself! There are different kinds of love, and I don’t know, this just feels right but even if it’s not, I love you. So much, Jesse. So much.”
Jesse’s hands fell still. He was quiet. He looked away, and for a long moment, all Hazard could see was the way his lips parted and dark hair fell in his eyes and his lashes were lowered, hiding a glance that might reveal what he was truly feeling. The music from the living room leaked in below the closed bedroom door, “Where Did You Sleep Last Night?” and Kurt Cobain’s last scream of shiver wavering on the air behind the sound of everyone talking and laughing.
Hazard shook. He was embarrassed, and he wanted to cry with all the emotion swelling in his chest, but he wasn’t sad. He was scared but relieved, and he wished Jesse would say something, and he was afraid of himself because if he loved Jesse like that, that meant he was gay.
Hazard didn’t think it was fair when Jesse opened his mouth to say something and Lexie knocked on the door, then poked her head in. She didn’t say anything at first because she was interrupting something. Hazard and Jesse stared at her. She shifted, then sighed. “Most of the party’s gone, except for our crew. Max got us fucking presents, you guys, and he wants to give them out now that it’s just us. You two coming, or should I just accept yours for you?”
“It’s not the Grammys,” Jesse snorted. He laughed, running his hands through Hazard’s hair one last time. He poked Hazard’s cheek in promise that the discussion would be continued. Hazard could see in his eyes that he had something he wanted to say, something that made him look heartrending and hopeful, something that made his smile wistful and his eyes glint. Hazard could guess what it was. He just wanted to hear Jesse say it.
Jesse stood up and followed Lexie out of the bedroom without another word. Hazard sat on the carpet, staring at his feet, for a few moments after. He sat alone in the room with the light of the hallway spilling onto him, listening to everyone in the living room. He remembered the wall at the 7-Eleven on Berkeley Street, the one whose vandalism said we all collide. The idea of it seemed like it could stretch forever and ever with no end. Maybe it meant something like everything happened for a reason.
Their discussion was never continued, but maybe it didn’t have to be. Jesse’s actions spoke louder than his words sometimes. Hazard thought about the look he’d seen in Jesse’s eyes when Lexie interrupted, and he didn’t push it.
Jesse and his parents went to see family in Chicago for a long weekend that included Christmas. Hazard tried not to run up his texting bill, but Jesse liked to send provocative messages. Once he even sent a picture, and Hazard surmised that Jesse had gotten a new camera phone for Christmas. Hazard sat next to Emery on his bed, watching Adult Swim and other late-night shows, and stared at the pixely photo for a while, smiling absently. Stupid Jesse, looking good on camera phone.
On Christmas Eve, Hazard’s mom wanted to go to church. They went to midnight mass and held candles with paper around them so the wax didn’t drip on their hands, and Hazard squirmed in his nice clothes, standing with the whole congregation amongst the pews, as the liturgies worked through his skin and deep down into his bones. He wondered what God thought about what he’d been doing lately. He looked around at the great crucifix above the altar and the prayer corner with the Virgin Mary painting, at everyone gathered in the sanctuary to sing hymns, and he wondered how many of them could tell he was a kid who wasn’t really into going to church.
Chapter 10
Emery, Olivia, and Tom,
and Where It All Began
HAZARD and Emery met in second grade.
Emery Benjamin Moore had dark-blue eyes that ate up his face and a pouty mouth that easily stretched into a bright grin or a sharp scowl. He was everyone’s friend, even if they didn’t know it yet. He was professional at the game of make-believe. He always shared snacks, he always thought hard about the questions asked in class, he aspired to be the line leader, not the caboose, and some of the other kids in second grade were in awe of him because he had the guts to walk right through the older kids clustered on the Four Square blocks and talk to Russell, who was one of the third graders.
Emery was in Ms. Polish’s class, and Hazard was in Mrs. Kemna’s. Hazard met Emery on the playground, when the rain had stopped and everyone was ecstatic that it wouldn’t get in the way of their final recess for the day. The chained-in playground was filled with screaming kids and teachers huddled near the door with their whistles. Hazard was bored of kickball, so he walked along the fence, stomping through damp grass and thinking about how he hoped his dad would bring home ice cream tonight. That was when he heard:
“Hey! Hey, you, with the Spider-Man shirt!”
It took a moment, but Hazard realized that he was the you with the Spider-Man shirt. He looked up, a little shy. The boy who had called to him was at the swings, swaying to and fro. He wore a navy-and-periwinkle striped polo. He wasn’t really swinging but more rocking, fingers curled on the chains and toes of his light-up Power Ranger sneakers digging into the soggy wood chips.
“Me?” Hazard asked, walking over.
“Yeah,” the boy said. “Hey, I’m Emery. This is Russell.” Without looking, Emery jabbed a finger at the blond boy swinging next to him, a mess of shaggy hair and deep silence. “Are you sad?” Emery asked next.
Hazard’s face dimpled softly in confusion. “No,” he said slowly. “I’m just bored.”
The blond boy named Russell leapt off his swing in midair, landing expertly on the grass.
“What’s your name?” Emery said, leaning over to Hazard. Hazard told him his name and blushed when Emery looked a little afraid of saying it.
“Hazard?” he tried. “That’s cool. Hey, Hazard, I bet I could jump farther than you.”
Russell had gone. Hazard took the swing Russell had been on and said, “Maybe.”
They swung, and Emery demanded they jump at the same time, which was on his count of three. Hazard worried about his swing flipping over. He always worried about his swing flipping over, just like he worried about his swing coming detached in midair before he was ready to jump.
Emery screamed, “Three!” and with a rattle of chains, they both jumped. To Hazard’s utter surprise, he jumped farther. Emery looked a little insulted by this. Hazard was somewhat shocked. His knees shook a little from jumping in the first place.
“Well,” Emery huffed decidedly, crossing his arms, “that was a good jump, I guess. Why don’t you be my friend?”
Hazard was quiet. Emery didn’t seem to expect any other response but an agreement, looking a little upset that Hazard had jumped farther, which seemed to have been some kind of unannounced test. Hazard never thought twice about agreeing or disagreeing. He kicked at a few wood chips and grabbed the swing again, then said, “All right.”
HAZARD learned quickly that Russell Leroy and Emery were sometimes inseparable. That was okay with him. He had Grant to hang out with, or Tom or Christina.
Bethany Elementary School got to go on a field trip to the museum to see real mummies, and when they were all told to pick partners, Emery chose Hazard.
That was probably the day Hazard decided Emery was his best friend.
HAZARD lived in a neighborhood called Buckingham Court. Where Easton met Walnut at the end of the street, the neighborhood bled into a collection of townhouses called Windsor Green, and that was where Emery lived. He wasn’t even a five-minute walk away. Hazard was elated to discover this in the summer between second and third grade, which he spent the majority of with Emery on his cul-de-sac.
Emery had moved there three years before from Anaheim, California, after his mom left his dad. Emery’s street was a lot different from Hazard’s. Emery’s house was two-story and a little narrower and looked like every other house on the street except for being a different color. Inside, it smelled like cinnamon sprigs and scented candles. The kitchen was stainless steel and the couch was scarlet colored, and on the walls hung decorative crosses and other pretty things from stores like Michael’s and Hobby Lobby.
They played street hockey and basketball in Emery’s driveway. They drew with chalk on the sidewalk. They watched Disney movies and thought they were cool kids if they said things like damn and ass. They went to the pool now and then but to the woodpile near the highway more. Sometimes Russell came over and they played hide-and-go-seek in the corners of the townhouse complex where construction on homes had stopped and they were empty inside. Emery’s mom made them bananas and peanut butter, which they ate in the kitchen.
Hazard loved Emery’s mom. When Hazard stepped on an industrial staple and cut his foot once, Emery’s mom had Neosporin and a big fat bandage she called a butterfly Band-Aid that she put on his heel for him, and she was calm about it. Hazard’s mom would have panicked. Emery’s mom was kind of tall and a little younger than Hazard’s mom, and she had blonde hair too, but her dark, dark roots were coming back. She was tan, just like Emery. She wore her hair in ponytails or half backs, and she spent a lot of that summer rearranging the living room because she wanted to be an interior decorator, but interior decorating didn’t pay the bills yet, so she was a receptionist at the local veterinarian’s. She smoked, but only outside. She was dating a guy Emery called Andrew, and Hazard didn’t really like Andrew. From what he saw of him that summer, he had a big nose and thick hair, and his voice echoed through the house even when he wasn’t yelling. Emery said Andrew wasn’t that bad, but maybe that was because he had to live with him.
Emery’s mom was funny and smart, and she never told Emery that his hair was too messy, that he needed to wear socks that matched his shirt, or that his name was special because he was a special boy. Hazard decided that was okay, because everyone’s mom was different.
HAZARD didn’t really like Russell Leroy, mostly because Russell was kind of moody, he’d known Emery longer than Hazard had, and he thought he was cool because he had a brother who was in college.
Lily was Emery’s other friend, a loud girl with dark hair and dark eyes. She was in ballet and liked Sailor Moon, striped stockings, spaghetti straps, and Mary Jane shoes.
In Cascadia, there were regular earthquake drills at school. In third grade, Hazard sat next to Tom in Mrs. O’Connor’s class. Hazard thought that it would be good to have more than one best friend, so he tried to play with Tom too. Tom introduced him to Peyton, whose family was kind of redneck. On the afternoons Emery was busy, Hazard went with Tom and Peyton to the Windsor Green park. They played Hot Lava and walked on the top of the monkey bars, trying to wrestle each other off.
Sometimes Emery went with them to the park. Sometimes Hazard tried to get everyone to play together during recess, but for some reason or another, everyone just didn’t click the right way. Hazard was okay with that, and he was also okay when a girl named Olivia started playing with Tom, Peyton, and him at the park.
Russell showed Emery Jesse Camp on MTV, and Emery showed Hazard, and they thought he was a hoot. They’d roll around on the white carpet of Emery’s living room, mimicking him.
Hazard’s dad got a promotion, which meant he left earlier in the morning and came home later at night. His mom decided it was time for Hazard to have a key to the house, especially because she was out later now too. She ran a lot of errands, which included manicures and dinners with friends. He was told that if he went anywhere after school, it was strictly to Emery’s and nowhere else. Hazard promised it would be so.
HAZARD’S mom liked to go to church sometimes. But none of the boys in Sunday school talked to Hazard, the liturgies and candles scared him sometimes, and he hated sitting alone in the pew during the Eucharist, so he tried to spend every Saturday night he could at Emery’s so his mom would sigh and give in and say, I guess we don’t have to go this Sunday.
Emery liked scary movies and movies with a lot of blood. He also liked to make living room forts, arranging chairs and couch cushions and taping sheets up over them like an inside tent. Russell, Lily, and Hazard would spend the night on weekends to marathon scary movies in the living room. Sometimes Andrew would jump out from the hall or make loud noises to try and scare them (which worked on everyone but Russell and eventually annoyed Emery). Most of the time, they fell asleep halfway through the third movie and Emery’s mom had to come turn it off.
For Christmas in fourth grade, Emery got a cat. It was white and fluffy and sometimes made Hazard sneeze. Emery named it Dust Bunny.
Russell got detention once for mouthing off to a teacher. Emery thought he was so cool. Hazard thought he was dumb.
With a key of his own and the house empty most afternoons, Hazard invited Emery over a lot. Now and again he also had Tom and Peyton over, and a few times Olivia came too, which felt scandalous because she was a girl.
Emery was a klutz, and this was proven the day he fell off the monkey bars and cracked his wrist.
If Hazard’s mom wasn’t out, she was in her room or cleaning, so it was like Hazard was alone. Hazard didn’t like his mom driving him places because she swore at all the other drivers, calling them stupid and incompetent and yelling at them to hurry up, then snapped at Hazard to stop looking so glum. So Hazard took the bus to school, and if he and Emery wanted to go somewhere they couldn’t walk to themselves, they had Emery’s mom drive them.
