Elephant shoe, p.36
Elephant Shoe, page 36
“Tell. Me.”
The silence becomes thick as tar. I watch him grind his teeth for a long while until:
“Craig’s only ever cared about Craig. That’s a truth I realised too late.”
All the hairs along my arms leap to attention.
Flexing his jaw, he continues. “He turned on me when Gary outed us. Told me I was a mistake. Said I disgusted him. Made me feel dirty. Worthless. But even then, I didn’t see it.”
There’s no disguising the injured look that passes over my face, giving me away, but he’s reinforced his guard and it’s holding strong.
“I was struck down sick right as all that shit was still very fresh. Wasn’t until I got back to school – after – that my eyes were forced wide-open to him. My reappearance stirred up the old gossip-pot, and he wasted no time laying into me for it. Had zero lip-reading skills then, but he made himself clear enough. Blamed me for fucking him over. For ditching him to take all the flack. He wasn’t interested in where I’d been. Or what’d happened to me. Wouldn’t hear me when I tried to tell him. Just got angrier and angrier, all up in my face. I snapped, then; decked him. That’s the last of my time I spared for him, and a week later, he… he’d switched YCS for college.”
“So, suddenly – out of the blue – tonight, he’s overcome with regret?” I steal uneasily into his next pause as his eyes stray from mine, ranging over my face. “Why now?”
He hushes me with a twitch of his jaw and a slow shake of his head. “The day this happened,” he says, leaning a little to one side and inching up his t-shirt, just enough to flash a peek of the nasty gash scoring his torso, “Craig… he saw it. He’s the one who took me to the hospital. And he stayed with me until my dad got there.”
My heart stutters painfully to a stop and plummets to my feet.
“I was a fucking mess. Because of you; because of how effortlessly you… you wrenched-up everything I’d worked so hard, for so long, to fucking bury. Because of the savage end to my seizure-free stretch. He witnessed two more on the short drive to A and E, and a fourth right outside the doors. I made a bad call – letting him stay… letting him in. But in that rock bottom moment, Craig was the only one there with me. And he was being great. I slipped, remembering him as the first boy who’d liked me the same way I’d liked him; how he – in the beginning – had made me feel alright with who I am.” He drags in a breath through his nose and barks out a jarring laugh on his exhale. “Slammed to my senses sharp enough when… when at the end of it, he ranked my damage – the wreck of my head – beneath the fucking blight of our incurable gayness. As self-absorbed and deeply closeted as he ever was. And when Dad showed up, he scarpered – seriously, Dad worships you in comparison. But, since then, he’s been, uh…unshakeable.”
I dig my knuckles into my thighs, my nails gouging my palms. Clearing my throat, I finally dislodge my voice. It scrapes out, rough and raw. “So. Not only is Craig in on your secret, he’s also very much not ‘history’. And you deliberately didn’t tell me.”
“Cos I knew how you’d react. And there’s really nothing to it worth you stressing over.”
“Okay for you to take issue with me keeping David in the dark, but I’m being unreasonable, is that it?”
Bolting to my feet, I dodge his reaching hand. Too late for that now. I’m done. And I desperately need to get myself out of this intolerable pit tonight’s thrown us into. “Enjoy your weekend.”
“Mikey, don’t.” He’s up and on my heel, failing another clumsy attempt for contact. “I’m trying… Fuck Craig! I only got in the bastard car to shut him down – put an end to it.”
I slam his door on him and hurl myself down the stairs.
45
Ain’t No Place Like Home
“Hey, Miktard,” Jody drops heavily onto the dilapidated sofa beside me and prods at my shoulder through the hole of my Wile E. Coyote tee. “Why so glum, chum?”
I swat her hand away before I look up from my phone. We’ve been here, in Leeson’s squalid flat, for less than an hour, and already her pupils are so dilated, I can make out only a slim band of blue around them. “I’m not glum.”
“Yeah? Fancy telling your face that, then?” She laughs as she lets her head thud against my arm. My nostrils are irritated by the sickly-sweet smoky scent she’s wafting up them with her every move. “Smile, man. You’re the guest of honour here tonight!”
Hardly, I roll my eyes.
I persuaded David to set off early this morning, rather than hold off until after school. Surprisingly, he took very little convincing. Suzy needed slightly more. But by eight am we were on our way. Though tedious and strained, the long journey was hiccup-free, and we arrived in Newcastle just after three. I spared only the time it took to drop my bag in my old room – bare and depressing – before I legged it the hell out for Jody’s.
I had it all worked out in my head, how I was gonna come out to her; played through the whole spectrum of ways I thought she might possibly react.
But my big news didn’t make the impact I’d anticipated. Cracking up, she congratulated me for finally catching on. And when told about Tate, her only query was whether I bottomed or topped. Then she forced me into tagging along to this dive. I’ve been granted little more than a handful of minutes with her since we arrived.
“Thinking of maybe having a mosey out to town in a bit,” Flynn announces as he saunters over to join us, perching down next to Jody, on the sofa’s broken arm. “Yeah?”
“Perhaps,” I reply, with a non-committal shrug, before realising his invite hadn’t been directed at me.
Jabbing my ribs with a sharp elbow while sluggishly angling around, Jody frowns up at him, “Why would we go out?”
“For some fresh air, babe.” He leans in close, his hand trailing up her inner thigh, and I’m quick to look away. “Some good, clean, sobering fresh air. You need it.” I then hear a slap, to which he reacts with an amused, “OW, woman!”
Chip-shop Paul is no longer Jody’s other half, I’ve discovered this evening. That honourable position now belongs to his former best mate. There’d been quite the messy fallout, apparently, though Jody had got a blatant kick out of the two blokes fighting over her.
And another, far more alarming discovery I’ve made tonight: I always felt uncomfortable around Flynn because I totally had a thing for him. Glaringly obvious, now I understand myself.
Although it’s not a flame that still burns, this unlocked awareness of it has, infuriatingly, hiked up the discomfort I feel around him rather than expelled it. Being the third wheel between him and Jody – my first – isn’t helping, not when I’m feeling pathetic and lonely and wretched enough as it is. But then, also… his dark hair, his lanky frame, his easy grin… damn!
My phone vibrates in my hand and my gaze whips down to the screen. Message nineteen of the day. Mostly unread, and none replied to. Neither Tate, nor David this time, though. It’s Lyndsay. I open it.
Missed you today. I know you’re away in Geordieland, but if you get a chance can you give me a call please? X
Jody startles upright as I spring to my feet and tug my jacket free from behind her. “Tit!” She berates me. “No rush. We ain’t going anywhere right this minute.”
“Just gotta make a quick call,” I say as I pick my careful way across the cluttered and littered room to the door. A glance behind me finds Flynn commandeering my seat. He wastes no time in bodily pinning Jody to the sofa, devouring her face. I hurry out the stifling flat into dank and forbidding fog. The drastic change in temperature immediately has my teeth chattering.
“Thought you’d be far too busy with your old friends to call me tonight.” Lyndsay picks up on the second ring. Her sweet voice magics a comforting trickle of warmth through me. “Everything okay?”
With only the narrowest of footpaths separating Leeson’s flat from the busy road, and a fast-moving trail of headlights all that’s visible passing by on it, my back presses flush against the rough wall of the run-down three storey. I hug my free arm around my chest as I fib, “yeah, all is well.”
“Much changed up there in your absence?”
“Nah. Not really.” Sucking in a lungful of dense air, I huff out a cloud. “What about down your end?”
Her tinkling laugh fills my ear. “Oh, you know. Gone less than a day, and the town’s slammed into shutdown without you, Mikey.”
“Ha. I’d expect nothing less.” This is good.
“I’ve had quite the eventful day, actually, though.”
Uh-oh. “Yeah?”
“Umhmm,” she hums. “Craig showed up outside school this afternoon.”
Heart stuttering, my words trip over themselves. “For what? Tate? Why?”
“No.” I can hear the frown in her voice. “Me. I assumed he was there for Alex, cos he’s done that plenty before. But he seemed keen no one else saw him. And he said some really weird stuff.”
“Like… what?”
“Well. Like how he wished that I was what he wanted, and how great we could be together if he wasn’t so wrong in the head. He blasted me with this crazy, tortured outpour, then. Just. Hugged me, said ‘don’t know what you both see in him’, and walked off.”
“Huh,” is all I’ve got as my fingertips gouge my ribs.
“Told Derek about it, and he suggested I should speak to you. So, uh, here I am.”
A strained moment’s silence settles over the line.
Then, “I… Honestly, Lynds, I’ve not the foggiest what’s going on with Craig. All as I know about it is…” Breaking off, I bite down hard on my lip.
This isn’t something I can talk through with her, I’ve learnt that lesson. She’s specifically asked me to keep her well free of mine and Tate’s relationship business.
“Okay, look,” she says, realising I don’t intend to finish, “I get that it’s to do with Mac.” No attempt is made to correct her slip this time. “Seriously, what’s not to do with him these days? But. Craig, he…it was messed up. And disturbing. So, as much as I already regret asking, will you clue me in please?”
I need no further prompting. Taking another deep breath, I fill her in on the events of last night.
Wrapping up my tale at the here and now, lost in the fog on an unfavourable street, I wait out her prolonged and mute digestion of it.
I’ve over-splurged, the unsettling hush makes plain, and she’s likely considering me a worthy rival for Craig in the ‘disturbed’ stakes. At no point had she asked to hear about Gran and David-the-dick, nor how miserably ill-fitting I now find my once-comfortable life here to be.
Just as I’m about to apologise, Lyndsay finally breaks the seal with a sighed, “oh, Mikey.”
“I don’t know what to say,” she continues after a further weighty pause. “I knew you were having a tough time. But, wow, that’s too much. Way too much.”
“You only wanted an explanation for Craig. I’m sorry.”
“Pfft! Stuff Craig. He dropped me without a second thought. Besides, there’s nothing anyone can do for him until he’s ready to do something for himself.” An acute vibe of wariness travels the vast distance between us before she goes on: “You’re not especially helping yourself either, though. I mean, I get how you feel about Mac and everything…” Again, my jaw tensing, I give her a pass. “Please don’t take this the wrong way. But… neither of you are in a good place right now. And, maybe, you should be thinking about…”
“Still with this? Seriously?” I explode over her, stricken. “Tate’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make!”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying!” Her attempt to placate is lightening-fast. “You can’t think me that cold, surely? Just that… well, it’s crazy to think you can carry his weight on top of everything else going on, Mikey. You can’t support him anymore than he can, you. If you don’t give yourselves some space to breathe – to live a little outside of each other – you’ve got to see the risk it all falling apart, right?”
My spine’s rigid against the wall. I’ve already endured much the same crap she’s spouting from Tate, that night by the fire at the den. Breathing space, that’s what he suggested for this weekend when he ditched me on it last night. Smarts just as bad coming from her as it did him. A furious shake casts the words from my head and I imagine them dissipating in the fog. “Was he in school today? Did you see him?”
“Skulking around like a vengeful spirit, yeah.”
Dropping my head back on the coarse brick, I squeeze my eyes shut. We fall into another lull. I’m about ready to call it, say goodbye, when Lyndsay pipes back up.
“You can at least stop giving Craig a place between you. Cos he’s not any kind of threat.” Glad she can’t see my sceptical lip curl. “And all that other stuff – with your gran and your brother…you know, even if all the good I can serve is to lend a listening ear, you can count on me, okay? But, honestly, if you and Mac hope to really make a go of it together, I think your biggest hurdle is his whopping great secret. To stand any chance, he needs to give it up.”
“That’s not for anyone but him to…” I’m interrupted by the snick and creak of the flat’s front door opening. Leeson tumbles through it first, hacking his lungs up. His zombie-esque friend slouches out on his heels. “Hang on a mo, Lynds.”
I catch Jody’s arm as she and Flynn bring up the rear. “Hey, think I’m gonna head home now.”
“What? No!” She flaps a hand at Flynn, instructing him to close the door. He obeys. “The night is young, Miktard, and we’re going for kebab. Come on!”
I shrug, “Just not feeling it.”
“You are the least fun.”
“That I am.”
“We’ll catch you again before you go, though, right?” Flynn says, delivering an unnecessarily hearty fist to my bicep before pulling his pouting girlfriend in close and steering her around. “You’ve been missed, man.”
“Sure.” My reply hits his back as he guides Jody along the street without a second glance after Leeson and the undead. Within a few steps, the night’s ghostly veil has swallowed them. “If you fancy a skate tomorrow, Jody, give me a bell.”
“Will do, rabbit stew!” Her disembodied voice calls out as I return the phone to my ear. “Laters loser!”
“That was Jody then, huh?”
“Yup. And her new slave.” My old crush…Man, it feels like a whole other life. Straightening up off the wall, I start walking. “I can’t make Tate tell. It’s not my place to.”
“I know. I know it’s his decision to make. And I won’t leak a word of it, I swear. Keeping a secret like that, though, it’s so not smart. He’s stunting himself. You and your relationship right alongside. Surely you see that?”
“Pushing him on it would do more harm than good.”
“He was okay about me and Derek, right?”
“Cos I had your promise it’d go no further.”
“Hey! He’s got to be due more credit than that. I’m worried about you. And the hard truth is, if he truly cares about you as much as he should, he has to be prepared to start taking down all those walls he hides behind.”
‘You were so fucking afraid of how I’d react.’ My mind snags again on that letter he penned me. ‘Do you even realise how messed up that is??? You shouldn’t feel that way. Not ever!’
A fine drizzle starts, and I huddle deeper into my jacket, tugging up the hood. “And just when did you become so wise?”
“Meh, it comes and goes.”
“You’re a damn good friend, Lynds.”
“I am,” she agrees, the trace of a smile in her voice. “And hopefully someday I’ll find someone who can see me as more.”
Lyndsay stays with me, a welcome companion on my treacherous journey through the shrouded streets, saying goodnight only once I’m safely delivered to my front door, fumbling the key into the lock.
Takes some major steeling to step inside my sad, empty shell of a home. More still to carry myself along the hall to the kitchen, where I’m yet again met by the unsightly scene of my brother sat with Suzy at the table. I don’t quite make it through the doorway.
“Thought you had a hotel room?”
David rakes a disparaging eye over me before he shakes his head. “There’s a lot to be done this weekend. You were brought along to help.”
I bristle but hold my tongue.
“Where on earth have ye been all night, pet?” Suzy chimes up. “Flyin’ out like a bat from hell a minute after ye’ve stepped in.”
With a glance from one to the other, I pry up a sullen shoulder and turn my back, “I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed.”
“He can’t keep this up forever,” David’s voice trails after me, “can he?”
Soul destroying work, this: Sorting through Gran’s stuff and packing it away in boxes. All that remains here are the things deemed not worth bringing with us in the move, pieces there’s simply no room for in Yoverton, so most of it is marked for a trip to the charity shops. I’ve put aside a few items; bits Gran may have forgotten about but possibly would want kept. Now, though, I’m trying not to look too closely or think too hard.
The sitting room and my room have been done. Currently, I’m sat on Gran’s bedroom floor, going through the drawers of her dressing table.
It’s proving remarkably easy to keep my mind distracted. Cos since 7pm yesterday, I’ve heard nothing from Tate. I finally caved last night, in bed, and read through all his texts. Leading in with remorse and concern, they got progressively less tolerant in tone the longer I’d blanked him. His final one simply said: See you when you get back. I tried video calling him, but he didn’t pick up. So, then I messaged, I’ve been a gigantic asshat. Unusual for me, right? Missing you like crazy and will speak to you tomorrow. Goodnight x
Called him twice today, but seems he’s now fixed on doling me out some payback. At least, I hope that’s all it is.
Just as I’m about to drop a Roses tin full of buttons into the half-filled box beside me, Hannah’s hand shoots out to snatch it from me.
“Where in hell is your head at, boy?” She scolds when my eyes bolt up to her. “Chuck this in there like you were about to, and you’ll smash the mirror to bits. Seven years bad luck that’d curse you with. Christ almighty!”
