The success principles w.., p.20
The Success Principles Workbook, page 20
To get the most benefit out of the relationship, you should agree to speak with each other at agreed-upon times (I recommend every workday, preferably in the morning) to share your top five action steps for the day, and hold each other accountable for the previous day’s five commitments. The simple fact that you are being held accountable to someone on a daily basis provides a significant extra incentive to get the job done. This is especially useful if you’re a solo entrepreneur (such as a consultant, an author, a coach, an Internet marketer, or a service provider), or if you’re a salesperson, or you work from home. In turn, you will provide the accountability that your partner needs to reach his or her own goals.
An accountability partner can also provide enthusiasm and encouragement when yours is waning because of the obstacles, distractions, setbacks, or failures you are facing. The key to a successful accountability relationship is choosing someone who is as excited about reaching their goals as you are about reaching yours, who’s intensely committed to your (and their own) success, and who has enough personal power to be able to confront you, hold you accountable, and support you when you are not following through on your commitments.
HOW TO CHOOSE A GOOD ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER
So who should you choose as an accountability partner? The answer to this varies dramatically based on your circumstances and your goals. Accountability can come from anyone, such as friends with similar goals, colleagues at work, mentors, coaches, or personal advisors. One caution: I usually don’t advise having your spouse or a close family member as your accountability partner. These relationships have the disadvantage of having historical baggage and sometimes dysfunctional relational patterns that can get in the way of your staying neutral with each other.
Questions for Interviewing an Accountability Partner
You will have greater success in finding the right accountability partner if you use the following questions to interview the people you’re considering. You will want to answer the same questions for them if you agree to work together.
Tell me about yourself (basic biographical information).
How much time shall we commit to our calls?
What times of the day works best for you?
Do you consider yourself to be left-brained (analytical) or right-brained (creative)?
Are you someone who plans or do you have a tendency to wait until the last minute?
What motivates you?
When you’ve set goals in the past, what worked to keep you focused and moving forward when you were met with obstacles or weren’t achieving as much success as you wanted?
What is the best way to give you feedback that allows you to stay open and receptive to the feedback? If you get defensive or scared, what is the best way to respond so I don’t support you in staying stuck?
What do I need to know about you that might present challenges for our relationship?
What do I need to know about you that will support our relationship?
Guidelines for Accountability Check-Ins
If you want to get the maximum value from your accountability partnership, it’s essential to follow these guidelines.
Agree to connect at a specific time on specific days. The best strategy is to connect every workday, typically Monday through Friday.
In most cases, it’s best to connect by phone or by videoconference on Zoom or Skype. When that’s impossible for whatever reason, it’s still essential to connect by text or email, whichever is most convenient for you.
Limit the call to five minutes. If the call goes longer, the process becomes tedious and inefficient, and one member or the other may want to quit.
During the call, each person takes a couple of minutes to report on whether or not they completed the action steps they had committed to the previous day, and what action steps they are committed to complete today.
I recommended that you use the Rule of 5 (See Chapter 7: Take Action! in this Workbook) and identify 5 specific actions you will complete by the next call.
Don’t make excuses. When reporting on the previous day’s commitments, just say whether or not you took the actions or completed the tasks you committed to. Your partner should then do the same. Don’t waste time discussing excuses for why you or your partner didn’t get something completed. Just ask if they are willing to recommit to it today, asking, “Are you willing to commit to taking that action today?”
If a task is not completed after several days in a row, you can ask what’s coming up for them or what’s getting in the way that might be stopping them. It could be fear or a limiting belief, or they may lack the necessary information, knowledge, resources, or courage to proceed. You can also ask if the action they are avoiding taking is something they really want to do, or is it something they merely think they “should” do. Sometimes it’s better to delete it unless it’s something critical to the achievement of an important goal. You can also take a few minutes to briefly explore if there is some support they might need from you or someone else.
During the call, either of you can suggest any resources such as books, TED talks, podcasts, seminars, online courses, YouTube videos, and people you are aware of who you think might be useful to them.
Get off the call once you complete. Do not allow it to shift into a casual social conversation. Schedule that for another time if you both agree you want to do it.
To ensure the calls remain valuable, from time to time you can ask the question, “On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate the value of these calls?” Any answer less than a 10 gets the follow-up question: “What would have to happen to make it a ten?”
Add to Your Life Success Journal
Turn to Your Life Success Journal and complete the exercise for this chapter.
Part Four
Create Successful Relationships
The greatest compliment that was ever paid to me was when someone asked me what I thought, and attended to my answer.
HENRY DAVID THOREAU
American Philosopher, Essayist, and Poet
Chapter
16
Have a Heart Talk*
Listen a hundred times. Ponder a thousand times. Speak once.
SOURCE UNKNOWN
Any relationship can benefit from the open and honest expression of what one is thinking and feeling, and the opportunity to speak without interruption. Healthy relationships are a key component of both your personal and professional success. But how do you structure a conversation so that you and others can be open and honest, and feel free to express their thoughts and feelings?
The answer is a Heart Talk.
A Heart Talk can be between you and your significant other, with your family, with a group at work, or with any group of people with whom you have regular contact and that would benefit from more open and honest communication and the authentic expression of feelings.
A SIMPLE HEART-BASED TOOL TO IMPROVE LIFE AT HOME AND WORK
A Heart Talk is a powerful communication process that creates a safe environment for a deep level of communication to occur—without fear of condemnation, unsolicited advice, interruption, or of being rushed. It’s an incredibly effective way to release any unexpressed thoughts or emotions that get in the way of people being totally present and authentic with one another and working harmoniously and productively together as a team.
Plus it’s the best way I know to develop intimacy and understanding among members of a family or individuals in a group—and turn apparent adversaries into collaborators. As you foster more open communication within your family, friendships, and work groups, you will notice several changes right away.
1. People become more aware of each other’s feelings.
Most people are so focused on what they’re doing and what’s happening to them, that they often don’t stop to think about how their words or actions might impact others.
Heart Talks encourage the open sharing of feelings, giving family and team members deeper insight into what’s happening in the lives of the others. This encourages greater empathy, more mindful communication, better solutions, and a deeper level of mutual respect in the home and in the workplace.
2. People don’t take things as personally.
When you cultivate an environment of open and honest communication, people are less likely to read implied negative meaning into other people’s words and actions. If someone is having a particularly stressful day, they are less likely to say or do something that’s thoughtless or impatient. Others will be better able to understand that what’s said is not about them, and they’ll be less likely to feel hurt or resentful about it.
3. People feel more comfortable saying what they really think about you, your behavior, and how it affects them.
Too often, others will remain silent about problems they see because they don’t want to add to the conflict or be seen as being critical. This often means that those who are closest to you and your projects, and who might be better able to anticipate problems, don’t speak up. By encouraging open and honest communication, you make it safe for others you care about to say what they really think—instead of what they believe you want them to say.
When people become more vulnerable and authentic with each other, it increases their understanding and compassion for each other, which helps create an environment of mutual trust and respect. The result is more peace and cooperation at home and more achievement in the workplace.
4. At work, you dramatically reduce staff turnover.
People who work or volunteer in an environment where they feel safe, heard, cared for, and respected—interacting every day with people they like and whose company they truly enjoy—know they’ve hit the jackpot. They are very reluctant to leave such a supportive environment to pursue other opportunities. This allows you to grow a team whose long history of open communication ensures they work like a well-oiled machine, and relieves you of the need to invest precious time, money, and resources in training new employees or volunteer staff.
Personal relationships are the fertile soil from which all advancement, all success, all achievement in real life grows.
BEN STEIN
Former Speechwriter for Two U.S. Presidents
HOW TO CONDUCT A HEART TALK
Follow these steps to ensure a successful and meaningful Heart Talk. First, determine whom to include, and invite them to participate. Once everyone has gathered, have them sit in a circle or around a table. Next, select an object for the group to use to indicate who has the floor. We use a velvet heart-shaped beanbag in our company because it is soft and comforting and reminds everyone not only that what they are hearing is coming from the other person’s heart but also that everyone involved is trying to get to the heart of the matter at hand. However, any object can work, such as a ball, a paperweight, or a stuffed animal like a teddy bear, so long as it will be visible in the hands or lap of the participant who is speaking.
A time estimate should be decided upon and agreed to. If it is just two people, allow ten to fifteen minutes, or longer if it is an emotionally intense issue. If the group is three or more people, plan for about five to eight minutes per person.
List on a flip chart (or pass out copies of) the following “Guidelines for a Successful Heart Talk” and read them through together. Make sure everyone understands and agrees to the guidelines.
EIGHT GUIDELINES FOR A SUCCESSFUL HEART TALK
Only the person holding the “heart” talks. Everyone else just listens. Do not interrupt, question, or argue with the person who is talking.
Pass the heart gently to the left after your turn.
You may choose to “pass” when it is your turn.
Talk about how you feel as well as what you think about the topic at hand.
Do not judge or criticize what anyone else has said. Listen with an open mind with the intention of understanding the other person’s experience.
Keep all information that is shared during the group confidential. No gossiping about what happened or who said what.
Do not leave the Heart Talk until it is declared complete by the leader.
Be considerate of how long you talk. Make sure everyone gets a turn.
Show the group the heart or object you will be using to pass around. Next determine who will go first. (You can lighten the mood by suggesting something fun like “whoever is wearing the most pieces of jewelry” or “whoever has the longest or shortest hair.”) Once you begin, when a person finishes speaking, they always pass the heart to the next person on the left. That provides a sense of predictability, safety, and structure to the group.
Keep passing the heart/object around the circle—multiple times, if necessary—to ensure participants have more than one opportunity to share if they need it. If you only have a set amount of time, be sure to end on time, but make sure everyone has had at least one turn to share. If you have enough time, a Heart Talk completes naturally when the heart makes a complete circle without anyone having anything else to say—that is, everyone says, “I pass.”
If you are leading the Heart Talk, make sure everyone sticks to the guidelines and doesn’t interrupt anyone else while they are speaking. Sticking to the guidelines is what makes it a safe space for people to share what they are really thinking and feeling.
I strongly believe that you can’t win in the marketplace unless you win first in the workplace. If you don’t have a winning culture inside, it’s hard to compete in the very tough world outside.
DOUGLAS CONANT
Fortune 500 Leadership Icon Who Previously Served as Chairman of Avon Products, CEO of Campbell Soup Company, and President of Nabisco Foods
SOME GOOD TIMES TO HAVE A HEART TALK
When there is a conflict between people or departments
When someone has been injured, is very ill, or has died
During a challenging financial crisis
When people are unclear about the vision, goal, or objective of a project
Before or after a downsizing, merger, or acquisition
When there is a new owner, boss, or manager
As part of a long staff meeting or corporate retreat
After a major disappointment like a failure to make an important sale, get a contract, or achieve an objective
When someone important to the group has been fired or has left the group
After a traumatic event such as 9/11 or a mass shooting
Some Common Topics That Are Useful
What are you most concerned about in regard to . . . ?
What is the greatest challenge you are facing right now?
What are you all feeling about . . . ?
What do you need to say before we move forward with this plan?
What Kind of Results Can You Expect?
After you conduct a Heart Talk, you can expect the following results:
Enhanced listening skills
Constructive expression of feelings
Improved conflict resolution skills
Improved ability to let go of resentments and old issues
Development of mutual respect and understanding
Greater sense of connection, unity, and bonding
The structure of a Heart Talk creates a safe, nonjudgmental space that supports the constructive—rather than the destructive—expression of feelings that, if left unexpressed, can block teamwork, synergy, creativity, innovation, and intuition, all of which are vital to the emotional health of a family or team and to the success of any venture.
DISCOVERING MORE ABOUT YOU:
Who Should You Ask to Have a Heart Talk?
Make a list of specific people you interact with and groups you belong to who you think would benefit from having a Heart Talk.
1. Individuals whom you would like to invite to have a one-to-one Heart Talk:
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
2. Groups you belong to where you would like to suggest having a group Heart Talk:
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
* * *
MAKE-IT-A-HABIT WORKSHEET
Schedule a Heart Talk
Open your calendar and make two entries in your schedule:
Block off two potential meeting times for a Heart Talk.
Write into your calendar the date and time this week when you will reach out to another person—or group—to invite them to participate in a Heart Talk with you.
Add to Your Life Success Journal
Turn to Your Life Success Journal and complete the exercise for this chapter.
Part Five
Success and Money
I have concluded that wealth is a state of mind, and that anyone can acquire a wealthy state of mind by thinking rich thoughts.
