Cuffed tied and satisfie.., p.4
Cuffed, Tied, and Satisfied, page 4
Sexual types use sex to relax, whereas a sensual type needs to relax before they can have sex. Sexual types are most often orgasm-focused. People with other types of wiring may feel that the sexually wired miss the entire journey because they are so focused on the end goal.
In a new relationship it is easy for everyone’s wiring to go sexual. However, once the feel-good honeymoon period is over, you will default to your core erotic wiring.
Are you wired sexually? Do you really enjoy intercourse? Do you feel most connected with your partner when you are having both great quantity and quality in sex? Are you let down if you don’t have an orgasm/ejaculation? Does visual erotica turn you on? Is your orgasm usually due to a buildup of friction and tension? Does the idea of “taking” your partner or being “taken” by your partner ignite arousal?
SEXUAL NEEDS
• Visual or other sexual stimulation
• A willing body—either their own or their lover’s
• Standard, direct techniques
POSITIVE ASPECTS
• Very easily turned on, with a medium to high libido
• Can go from zero to sixty in a short amount of time
• Easily reaches orgasm, which lowers stress
• Easy to please
SHADOW (NEGATIVE) ASPECTS
• Too orgasm-focused
• Can be too quick to orgasm
• Focused on friction sex without a desire to explore the journey
• Can be a bit selfish or oblivious in bed
Kinky Types
As you may have guessed, my partner, Ian, is a kinky type. We didn’t know this until we started doing our 40/40 project. Our sex life had slumped a bit, he was having some erectile and libido issues, and I couldn’t understand it. I sent him for hormone testing, I tried various techniques, I took striptease classes, but his libido didn’t match my own. (In his defense, I have to say that my libido is fairly high.) His libido completely changed when we started to play with kink. Now I simply mention restraining him and he’s fully aroused, erection at full attention. All I have to say is “Okay, it’s time for your collar,” and he’s more aroused than I’ve ever seen him.
If you are wired kinky, it simply means that your main mode of getting turned on and initiating intimate connection comes from participating in sexual play that you consider out-of-the-box. As you have learned, what is out-of-the-box is different for everyone. If you or your partner is wired kinky, your B-spot, or brain, may be your greatest source of arousal. Usually those who are wired kinky have a rich fantasy life. You may enjoy role-playing, playful restraint, power play, and sensation play. You may find that you don’t even need to be touched in order to be aroused; just the idea of doing something taboo is enough to spark your desires.
Are you wired kinky? Does any activity that you consider taboo greatly turn you on? Can the mere suggestion of doing something out-of-the-box arouse you? Are you interested in power play, restraint, role-play, training, etc.? Do you have a rich and fulfilling fantasy life?
SEXUAL NEEDS
• Psychological turn-ons
• Playing with taboo sexual practices (BDSM)
• Creativity/fantasy in sexual play
• Acceptance
POSITIVE ASPECTS
• Creativity in play
• Usually have good communication skills
• Spicy sex lives
• Play can be completely psychological
SHADOW (NEGATIVE) ASPECTS
• Too much shame or fear can shut them down, causing neurosis
• May have trouble finding nonjudgmental partners
• Lack of education could cause harm both physically and psychologically
• A specific kink/fetish could become the only route to orgasm and pleasure
DISCOVERING YOUR WIRING
If you read these descriptions and feel that you are wired for more than one erotic type, that is absolutely normal. Most people have a combination of wirings. Some of us have even learned how to shape-shift throughout all of these types. When it comes to compatibility, what is important to remember is to have compassion and awareness about your partner’s wiring. It goes back to acceptance. If we are judging, there will be disconnection, and the hot sex that you so desire may begin to drift further and further away. When you can accept both your own wiring and the wiring of your lover and begin to find the places where both of you feel a desire to play, then you are on the right track.
Just by reading the above you may have an idea as to what your core erotic wiring and secondary wiring are. I have found, however, that the best way to know your wiring is through sexual practice. While our minds may want us to be a certain type, our bodies never lie.
Exercise: Touch Experiment
If you have a partner, get your partner to touch you in the following ways. If you do not have a partner, you can touch yourself in these ways to discover what is the biggest turn-on for you.
Hovering Energy Touch
Connect through eye contact and/or deep breathing. Then hover your hands over your or your partner’s body, barely touching; hover over genitals but do not touch. Maintain complete presence of mind and positive emotion.
Sensual Touch
Clean up the bedroom, get everything in order, and then create a great environment in which to touch your partner or yourself. Have yummy, good-smelling massage oils, fur mitts, or feathers, and perform long, sensual strokes all over the body; tease over genital area, but don’t linger there too long. Focus your mind on the sensations.
Sexual Touch
For sexual touch, give a direct genital massage. Go straight for the most pleasurable hot spots and linger there. The intent is sexual turn-on.
Kinky Touch
For the kinky, you may want to try a large variety of things, but a good start would be light slaps, neck biting, pinches, and scratches with a little dirty talk, or combined with restraint or power play.
What kind of touch turned you on the most? What kind of touch did you want more of? What kind of touch left you feeling nurtured and fed?
Dive Deeper: Take the core erotic wiring test and find out more about your core erotic blueprint: www.mistressjaiya.com/CEW.
Even if you are not wired kinky, it doesn’t mean that you are completely “vanilla” or that playing with kink won’t turn you on. Now that you have a better understanding of your core erotic wiring, let’s take a look at where you fall on the Grey Scale of Vanilla and Kink.
MAP #2—THE GREY SCALE OF VANILLA AND KINK
Do you think you are vanilla or kinky? Or do you think you are somewhere in between? I was inspired by a blog post entitled “The Vanilla vs. Kink Crossover” by Sunny Megatron, an adult sexuality educator and blogger who specializes in kink awareness. “When it comes to vanillas and kinksters there’s a real ‘us’ and ‘them’ attitude.… Breaking it down to basic stereotypes, vanillas think kinksters are scary and weird. Kinksters think vanillas are unadventurous and boring.” Sunny created a great diagram to demonstrate that it isn’t so black-and-white and that most people fall somewhere in the middle, in the grey area, so to speak. I wanted proof, so I conducted a survey in which 797 people participated. The survey proved that Sunny was right—most people are not in the extremes; it isn’t us vs. them! So stop judging, misunderstanding, and negatively labeling yourself and others!
Just like the Kinsey scale showed that most people are not totally straight or totally gay, the Grey Scale points to the fact that many people play in the middle of kink, not at the extremes.
Where do you fall? Take this quiz to see where you are on the Grey Scale.
THE GREY SCALE QUIZ
Answer yes, no, or maybe:
1. Do you ever have sex in a position other than missionary position (man on top, woman flat on her back)?
2. Have you ever had sex in the doggy-style position?
3. Have you ever used a blindfold during foreplay or during sexual intercourse?
4. Do you ever talk “dirty” during lovemaking?
5. Do you ever fantasize about being Dominant or submissive?
6. Have you ever used a feather, ice, silk, or other sensory item during sex?
7. Does your arousal sometimes increase when you are feeling anxious, angry, or guilty (naughty)?
8. Does the idea of your partner surrendering to his/her pleasure turn you on?
9. Do you enjoy the idea of your partner being Dominant and taking charge in the bedroom?
10. Has the idea of being spanked or spanking someone turned you on?
11. Do you desire to be irresistible to your partner or objectified by your partner?
12. Have you been held down during sex with someone you love and it turned you on?
13. Do you desire to be or have you ever been bound with handcuffs, rope, or other restraints?
14. Do you ever let your lover pick out your clothing or your meal at a restaurant?
15. Does watching kinky sex or fantasizing about kinky sex turn you on?
Multiple Choice
16. Choose the position that is most arousing to you most of the time (be honest with yourself).
A. Missionary
B. Girl on top
C. Doggy style
D. Hog-tied (arms and legs bound together at your back)
17. Choose the activity that is most arousing to you most of the time (honesty, please).
A. Kissing
B. Intercourse
C. Oral sex
D. Anal sex
18. Choose a group of sexual enhancement products that are most arousing to you most of the time (yes, again, please be honest).
A. I’m not into sex toys
B. Blindfold and feather
C. Ropes, restraints, and fur mitt
D. Gag, suspension gear, strap-on and single-tail whip
19. Choose a persona that is most arousing to you most of the time (are you being honest?).
A. I want to be myself
B. A sex goddess, sex god, or worshipper of a goddess or god
C. A powerful Dominant or surrendering submissive
D. A corporal punisher or a worthless slave
20. Choose a fantasy that is most arousing to you.
A. I don’t fantasize, and if I did it would be about my lover.
B. You are lying on a beach. The sun is hot on your naked skin. Suddenly you feel gentle hands caressing you. You open your eyes to find a beautiful being sitting next to you, admiring your irresistible body. Your breath is taken away by the arousal stirring in you. Your lover leads you to a private cove, where you know you are about to be ravished by this divine sight. As your lover pleasures you, you can’t help but spill over into orgasmic rapture!
C. You didn’t know that you lover was capable of such things. You’re bound to the chair, helpless against their every whim. As your lover pinches your flesh lightly, you cringe but also feel arousal stirring within you. You are tied in a vulnerable position, hot spots easily accessible, and if you speak you know you will be punished. Your lover has become insatiable, hungry, just like you are. But you have no idea if you will be allowed to dive over the edge into orgasmic bliss. You are begging at this point to be released, not from your binding, but from the heat between your legs.
D. Your lover’s ass is bright red from all the lashings they have taken from you. You love that their mouth is spread open for you to use however you wish. You love that you own all of them. They have been bad, very bad, and you are going to let them know just how bad they have been. You’ve dressed them up like the bad nothing that they are, and you’ve properly bound them just how you want them. And they are completely helpless, blindfolded, bound, gagged, and ready to be used like an object. They will be tonight, but you want to make them wait in agony and dread of what is coming next. So you wait and you wait, and just the sound of your approaching them is enough to send them to the brink of orgasm. But it doesn’t end there; no, it doesn’t end there.…
Where Do You Score?
Questions 1–15: Give yourself points as follows. Every no = 0, maybe = 1, yes = 2. TOTAL __________
Questions 16–20: A = 0, B = 1, C = 2, D = 3. TOTAL ______________
Add totals from yeses, nos, maybes, and multiple-choice questions. GRAND TOTAL ______________
If you scored 0–6, you are totally vanilla—a rare person indeed. No one who filled out my survey was 100 percent vanilla!
If you scored 7–15, you are mostly vanilla. Approximately 10 percent of people who filled out my survey fell into this category.
If you scored 16–24, you are right in the middle. You are in the majority! Approximately 65 percent of the people I surveyed came out right in the middle.
If you scored 25–33, you are mostly kinky. Of the 797 people surveyed, approximately 20 percent were mostly kinky.
If you scored 34–40, you are super kinky! If you are among the 5 percent who are super kinky, congratulations, you are a unique breed!
Are you having any insights? Have maps 1 and 2 shed some light on things? It can be enlightening to learn that there isn’t anything “wrong” with you, that instead you are just wired a certain way, or that things are not so black-and-white when it comes to your sexuality. In the Grey Scale survey I was surprised that 57 percent of participants answered yes to being turned on by feelings of being anxious, angry, or guilty. In this third map I want you to look closely at unexpected emotional states, such as vulnerability, naughtiness, or fear. Having this knowledge will come in handy later, when we unleash your Empowered Erotic Persona in chapter 4.
MAP #3—YOUR APHRODISIAC STATES
Have you ever been turned on when you felt like you shouldn’t be? Like when you were incredibly angry with your partner or when you felt anxiety about getting caught doing something “naughty”? Have you ever had great sex when you felt really vulnerable? According to Jack Morin, author of The Erotic Mind, there are paradoxical emotions that can either turn us on or turn us off depending on the dose of emotion present, the timing, and our ability to transform these unexpected emotional aphrodisiacs into a positive feeling. I’d like to call these aphrodisiacs states because they are states of being that when used powerfully will ebb and flow.
It may be difficult for you to admit that you are turned on by emotions you perceive as negative. I would like to propose the terms expected and unexpected instead of positive and negative. By recognizing that both types of emotions make sex hotter, you’ll be able to utilize them instead of being an unconscious victim. Jack Morin writes, “The more you’re able to recognize the unexpected aphrodisiacs, the greater will be your comfort with the full range of emotions associated with passionate sex.”
EXPECTED APHRODISIAC STATES
Connection Emotions
Love
Tenderness
Appreciation
Oneness
Intimacy
Affection
Other States of Being
Relaxation
Freedom
Joy
Innocence
Courage
Hope
Mystery
UNEXPECTED APHRODISIAC STATES
Anxiety Emotions
Dread/fear/terror
Vulnerability
Worry
Nervousness
Anticipation
Shock/surprise
Guilt Emotions
Naughtiness
Dirtiness
Shame
Sad Emotions
Mourning
Grief
Yearning
Sadness
Depression
Dependency
Anger Emotions
Contempt/disgust
Hostility
Resentment
Revenge
Rage
There are several studies that indicate the involvement of a part of the brain called the amygdala (associated with the fear response) in sexual desire. This may explain why, when we experience any of the unexpected aphrodisiac emotions that fall under fear (anxiety, dread, terror, vulnerability, worry, nervousness, reluctance), they may lead to pleasure. The amygdala associates fear with excitement, producing an increase in adrenaline, which the body uses for increasing sexual desire and pleasurable sensations.
It’s equally important to note that, depending on your wiring, both expected and unexpected emotional states can be antiaphrodisiacs.
Take a moment right now to think about your best sexual experiences. What emotions were present during these experiences? Think about your favorite fantasies. Are there any unexpected emotions at play? Write these emotions down; we’re going to use them a little later.
Dive Deeper: Learn the four keys to unlocking your expected and unexpected emotional states at www.mistressjaiya.com/4keys.
Yes, Jaiya, Give Me Some Kink!
Throughout this book, I’m training your mind, helping you to discover more about your sexuality, and giving you techniques to help you become skilled at extraordinary sex. You’ve learned a few of my definitions. You’ve mined your mind (and perhaps the mind of your lover). You’re ready for the next step. You’re primed to create a fierce foundation for fabulously fiery fun! You’ve done well, so I’ll agree to be your trainer, your guide, but first, you must learn about and want to consent. Are you prepared for consent? If so, turn the page, now!
