Probably.

  “I’m happy for you,” I say, instead of trying to wade through my own problems right now. She’s ecstatic, and there’s no sense in dragging her down into my pool of pity and self-loathing.

  “I know it’s early, but have you thought of a date? Winter is too cold for anything outside. Are you getting married in a church?” I ask, knowing that she’s not very religious, but realizing I don’t know a thing about the man she’s marrying.

  Guilt begins to swim for flirting with him even though my intention was always to get her to open her eyes to the possibility of dating him. That’s going to make for some seriously awkward interactions.

  “We’re thinking of a summer wedding.”

  “Nice. That gives you a year to plan.”

  “This summer.”

  I blink, wondering if I heard her correctly. “Huh?”

  “This summer. Three weeks.”

  “Hayden, that’s really soon. I figured a long engagement since you’ve only known him for a couple of months.” And half that time you spent dancing around each other, goes unsaid.

  “When you know, you know.”

  The woman is ecstatic, and I’m a little jealous of that, too.

  If a man asked me to marry him after two months, I’d run for the damn hills and call the hotline to have him committed. That’s just crazy, but if it works for her, then I guess I’m okay with it.

  “But you’re not pregnant?”

  “Nope.”

  “I can hear the smile in your voice, Hayden. Are you lying to me?”

  “We’re planning to have kids.”

  “Is this like a trauma response? I’ve read you aren’t supposed to make life-altering decisions so soon after a near-death experience.”

  “This is because we’re in love and can’t wait to begin our lives together.”

  I wait for the bile to rush up my throat at the mention of someone thinking they’ll get a happily ever after, but it never comes.

  Huh? Weird.

  “That’s good,” I find myself saying.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Parker,” she groans with a long-suffering sigh. “I know you, remember? Something is wrong. You should be jumping through the phone, asking me if I’m deathly ill. Doing anything to stop me from getting married.”

  “I’m happy for you.”

  Silence.

  “I am!”

  “That’s not all. You would normally freak out, tell me that men are assholes, meant to be fucked not married. Is it that guy from Quinten’s building? Did you fall in love?”

  “There’s no guy,” I snap because honestly there isn’t. Jude made sure I knew that before I walked out of there the last time. “I’m just distracted.”

  “By a man.”

  “It’s not what you think,” I begin, knowing I have to tell her something, or she’s never going to leave it be. It says a lot about how much I don’t want to talk about Jude when I open my mouth to tell her about what happened in the lobby of my apartment building. “There was a guy harassing me at work. He keyed my car, and then he showed up at my apartment.”

  “What?” she snaps. “Why are you just now telling me this?”

  I could remind her that she hasn’t been exactly forthcoming about what’s been going on with her, but I’m trying to turn over a newer, non-petty leaf.

  “I’m not a hundred percent certain, but I think he’s my half-brother. He called me by my mom’s name, and he kept spouting shit off about being a whore and earning my money on my back. He’s even been to my job a couple of times.”

  “Do you mind… is it okay if I put you on speaker phone?”

  “So your man can hear all about my fucked-up life?” I groan. “That’s fine.”

  Quinten works for Blackbridge and I went there a week ago needing help. I’m still in Texas and have been holed up in a hotel room for a damn week. I have to go home eventually, and I’d like to feel safe when that happens.

  “What else has happened?” Quinten asks, his voice deep and commanding.

  I raise my eyebrows, smiling when I realize exactly why Hayden fell for this man. If he gets that protective tone for me, I can’t imagine what he does for her. Good God, the sex must be amazing.

  I go into the story; grateful we’re no longer talking about the man I deny exists at his apartment building. I tell him about the bar visits, the damage to my car, the confrontation at my building, and how I got out of town.

  “And what does Jude think about all of this?” he asks, and it makes my blood run cold.

  He’s no fool. He’s a trained professional. I don’t know what he does specifically for Blackbridge, but it doesn’t take a CIA agent to put two and two together.

  “I went to the office to get some help, but I forgot after speaking with Hayden. I was just so upset over what she had been through.” I glare at a spot on the wall, hoping he doesn’t ask another question about Jude.

  I haven’t breathed a word about this to him. He was a guy I was sleeping with and nothing more. Why would I ever open my mouth about personal issues to him? That makes things messy.

  Things got messy even without sharing bits and pieces of my personal life.

  “I want you to go back to the office,” Quinten says.

  “I’m in Texas,” I remind him.

  “I’ll make an appointment for tomorrow afternoon. Can you make it then?”

  “Yes.”

  “Stay in a hotel when you get back to town if you come home tonight.”

  “I will,” I tell him even though I know I’ll probably schedule a flight as late tomorrow morning as I can to make it on time to the appointment. Going back sooner will only start up that itch to go see Jude that I’ve managed to dull to a low irritation with over six hundred miles of distance.

  “When you arrive, let Pam know you have an appointment with Deacon Black. You met him at the office last week. I’ll have Hayden text you the time.”

  “Thank you,” I tell him sincerely.

  The call ends, and although I feel a little better knowing I’m going to get some help, I also feel a heightened level of anxiety of going back to St. Louis.

  Chapter 27

  Jude

  “How many?” Kit asks with wide eyes.

  “Three,” Flynn confirms. “The media is a shitstorm right now.”

  “But they were all legal?” Gaige interjects.

  “They were all of age,” Flynn says.

  “Then it’s nobody’s business what the man does in his private time.”

  “His wife probably doesn’t feel that way,” I mutter.

  Kit points at me in agreement.

  “And let’s not forget that he’s a preacher at that big church down on Franklin.”

  We all stare at Flynn.

  “Really?” Gaige asks, his eyes widening.

  “Yep. The preacher man was busted at a seedy motel with three hookers, and now there’s going to be further investigation into his case.”

  “You said they were all consenting adults. I mean, I know prostitution is illegal, but further investigation?” I lean forward, finding this positively fascinating.

  I had a great time with Parker, getting inside of her became all I could focus on but the idea of keeping up with three women at the same time doesn’t even seem physically possible to me.

  “The hookers weren’t the issue. Come to find out, he’s been using the church’s credit card for the motel reservations.”

  Gaige chuckles when Flynn explains further. “Yep, that’ll do it.”

  “I think Deacon is probably going to start turning down certain cases. I don’t think even Quinten can sweep in and turn the story around on this one.”

  “I don’t think he’ll want to,” I add. “Three women, that’s just—”

  “Don’t knock it until you try it,” Gaige says with a smile.

  His experiences must not match everyone else’s because we’re all gawking at him.

  “Three?” Flynn asks. “Really?”

  Gaige shrugs. “I told them I couldn’t choose. They said I didn’t have to.”

  “My balls hurt just imagining the logistics,” Kit mutters.

  “Lots of hands and mouths. It didn’t hurt that they were as hot for each other as they were for me.”

  We all slow blink at him.

  “Lesbian action?” Kit says, leaning his elbows on his knees to get closer. “Really? I’ve never seen that in person.”

  “I went to the wrong college,” I grumble, just wanting to be a part of the conversation.

  Plus, I’ve had certain fantasies. Every man has, and I didn’t lose my virginity until recently. My mind was a scary place until then.

  “College?” Gaige says, looking at me. “That happened a couple weeks ago.”

  “Bullshit,” Kit snaps. “There’s no way—Hey isn’t that Hayden’s friend?”

  And that’s all it takes for me to forget that anyone else is in the room. The tall beauty strides in, chin held high, a look I remember from the first time seeing her outside the gun range months ago. It’s her I’m strong and independent, don’t-fuck-with-me look, and it’s still as sexy now as it was then but there’s a flash of something else in her eyes.

  I take a step forward, but before I can reach her, Deacon comes from the hallway.

  “Ms. Maxwell. Right on time. Follow me, please.”

  I’m shocked speechless when Parker walks past. The only thing keeping me standing is the quick look she sends my way. It’s not so much an acknowledgement of who I am or what we once shared, but at least she doesn’t look right through me like she did when she walked into this office last week.

  I have no idea why she’s here, but I’m not an idiot. There’s a reason Deacon is taking her to his office, a reason he addressed her like he would a client. There’s something going on in her life that may require BBS talents.

  “I’d pick that jaw up before you try to walk or you’re going to trip over it,” Gaige says with humor in his voice.

  “It’s nothing,” I tell him.

  “I didn’t ask a question, Jude, but after that response, I feel the need to. Why don’t you just sit down and tell us all what’s going on?”

  I look back, finding several of the guys watching me.

  “It’s nothing,” I say again, dropping back down on to my spot on the sofa. Walking down the hall would end with me shoving Deacon’s office door open and demanding answers I have no right to. Staying here under the scrutiny of my friends is going to suck just as much, but at least this won’t end with losing my job.

  “Who is she?” Flynn asks.

  “Hayden’s friend.”

  “The way you looked at her sends off the vibe that she may be a friend to you as well,” Kit says.

  “Not really,” I mumble, reaching for a magazine and glaring at Gaige when he slaps a hand over the top of it.

  “You’ve read them all a dozen times since Pam put out the new ones last week.”

  “There’s an article I wanted to show you guys on the new Ruger—”

  “No one in this room gives a shit about weapons right now, Jude. Spill,” Gaige insists.

  “There’s nothing to tell. She’s Hayden’s friend.”

  “I don’t think that’s all. Guys?”

  “Nope,” Kit snaps.

  “I’m not one to gossip—” I roll my eyes at Flynn. “But I have to agree with them. Are you dating her?”

  “No.” It’s the honest answer. If they keep asking the right ones, I can end the day with not lying to my friends.

  I won’t go into detail that having fun and dating aren’t the same thing. At least they wouldn’t be in Parker’s mind, and plus, whatever you want to call what we had ended more than a week ago. I haven’t seen her since she was here last time, and she never responded to my text.

  “But you want to?”

  I shrug. “She’s very pretty.”

  “Absolutely gorgeous,” Gaige says in a tone that means he’s definitely interested, but I also know it’s a ploy to get a reaction out of me.

  I don’t give him one, and hopefully he didn’t catch the way my jaw clenched before I was able to get better control of my facial expressions.

  “Is she single?” Kit asks.

  “How would I know?”

  “You’ve been sleeping with her. I’m sure that’s something you would know.”

  “If I were sleeping with her, she wouldn’t be single,” I counter.

  “That’s not entirely true,” Gaige argues. “Modern women are quick to not put labels on what they do. She could be sleeping with you and others.”

  And that’s been part of the rub since I saw her flirting with that man at her job. I have no idea what she got up to when we weren’t together. I still don’t. It’s just one more question I’ll probably never have an answer to.

  “But he’s a virgin, right?” Kit says. “You’re still a virgin, aren’t you, Jude?”

  My eyes snap up to his. “Why is what I do such a concern for you assholes?”

  “Well, that answers that,” Gaige says with a wide grin.

  “Answers what? I didn’t answer anything.”

  “And if the previous response didn’t make it clear, that does,” Kit quickly adds.

  “Leave the guy alone,” Flynn says. “His personal life is his business.”

  “I don’t understand why men don’t talk about their sex lives,” Gaige grumbles. “We’re not perverted or anything. I know for a fact; women do it constantly.”

  “Men who care for the woman they’re spending time with won’t disrespect her that way,” Flynn says. “I’d never open my mouth about what Remi and I do.”

  “Wren doesn’t—”

  “Wren is an idiot,” Flynn interrupts Gaige.

  “So that means you aren’t just sleeping with her. You care for her?” Kit deduces.

  “I said leave him alone,” Flynn hisses, a warning in his tone that just makes the guys more eager to grill me when he’s not around.

  “Gaige?”

  We look to the front of the room.

  “Deacon needs you in his office,” Pam says with a sweet smile before turning back around toward her desk in the front vestibule.

  “Well, well, well. Looks like my services are needed,” Gaige says as he stands.

  “He’s just trying to rile you up,” Flynn says as the acquisitions expert walks away.

  It’s fucking working.

  Seeing her again today, the thoughts of her I can’t get out of my head, make me regret what I told her. I thought not being around her, not spending hours inside of her only to watch her walk away would be easier. I was certain that distance was exactly what I needed to get over my need for her, but it’s only gotten worse since I told her to leave my apartment, since I insisted that what we had was over.

  Regret has swarmed in my stomach for days, the ache making it impossible to get a good night’s sleep, impossible to think straight, impossible to taste even my favorite foods.

  I can’t go back because things have to get better for me, eventually. I got three hours of straight sleep last night instead of two before waking up and reaching for her. That floored me when it happened the first time. She only ever stayed over once, but somehow a habit had formed. In my dreams, she isn’t there. In my dreams, I wake alone just like I do in reality. In both situations, I feel an utter sense of loss.

  Just sex shouldn’t leave me sad. I should be reflecting on the good times, the orgasms she so easily pulled from my body.

  Maybe she was right, and this is exactly what she meant when she explained why she was upset that I didn’t tell her I was a virgin.

  Maybe I’m infatuated with her because she was my first. I guess despite your age, you still have immature responses and form a bond to your first.

  “That look is dangerous, Jude. Wanna talk about it?” Kit perks up, so Flynn continues, “Alone in my office?”

  “I’m good,” I tell him.

  Talking in his office might actually be a good idea, but that takes me away from being able to see Parker when she leaves, and my blood is heated with just the prospect of having her eyes on me again even if it’s for the briefest of seconds.

  “I’m here when you’re ready,” he offers with a quick smile.

  The man is no stranger to his own love-life problems. He walked away from a woman he had feelings for because he felt like it was the right thing to do. He spent a while groveling before that woman gave him the time of day again. If I thought groveling would’ve worked with Parker, I would’ve jumped on it, but behaving that way only proves her point.

  Conversations wane and flow, changing several times as the minutes tick by, but I can’t keep up. All of my focus is down the hall, a million questions floating through my head.

  Then Wren leaves his office with a folder in his hand, and it takes all I have not to tackle him and grab it from his hands. I know it has to do with Parker when he glances in my direction, looking at me with his lips in a flat line instead of that wide devious smile he usually wears.

  There’s a case, and with the range of things we do, she could be hiring the company for security at a party, or she could be in a bind over sleeping with a politician or witnessing a murder. It could be a million reasons considering the spectrum we work with.

  The longer I sit here, the wilder those scenarios become inside my head.

  Kit just watches me like I’m an animal in a zoo exhibit that’s about to attack the trainer, and Flynn is reading something on his phone, glancing up at me periodically with knowing sympathy in his eyes.

  Chapter 28

  Parker

  “Thank you for seeing me on such short notice, Mr. Black,” I say as he escorts me into his office.

  “Deacon, please. Quinten gave me some information, but I don’t have many details. Can you please tell me all of your concerns?”

  I get into the story about the man harassing me, leaving out my suspicions about who he could be.

  Deacon listens, head nodding as I go through everything, but he doesn’t look satisfied when I’m finished.

 

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