In the kitchen with the.., p.1
In the Kitchen with the Lead Piping, page 1
In the Kitchen with the Lead Piping
by
Jan Jones
Welcome to Fencross Parva
Life, love and the occasional dead body
~A Fencross Parva Mystery~
Book Three
In the Kitchen with the Lead Piping copyright © 2024 by Jan Jones
Kindle Edition
Jan Jones has asserted her right to be identified as the author of this Work in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the copyright holder, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non commercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, email the author at the address below.
This is a work of fiction. All names, characters and places spring entirely from the author’s own imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental.
Cover design and formatting www.jdsmith-design.com
All enquiries to jan@jan-jones.co.uk
Dedication
To Jenny, who walked into our first Maths degree lecture wearing a skirt as short as mine and who looked as relieved to see me - sitting there in a room full of boys - as I was to see her. We’ve been friends ever since.
Dramatis Personae
In Fencross Parva
Calli Nelson ~ librarian
Gideon Frost ~ Calli’s partner, carpenter
Meriel Lambert ~ Calli’s best friend, visiting from London
Kenelm Gray ~ police inspector, Gideon’s cousin
Annie Dearlove ~ artist, Kenelm’s landlady
Margaret Dearlove ~ Annie’s mum, care home resident
Nik Avalon ~ photographer
Bill Enderby ~ student, runs the Wedding Barn with his fiancée...
Yseult (Izzy) Gray ~ Bill’s fiancée, Kenelm’s young cousin
Amber Beresford ~ bride, Izzy’s friend
Stacy and Lawrence Beresford ~ bride’s divorced parents
Josh Ivory ~ groom
Helen and Ross Ivory ~ groom’s parents
Fleur Peacock ~ Amber’s friend and wedding planner
Timothy Hedges ~ best man
Paddy Byrne ~ easy-going caterer
Jade Green ~ head chef
Bet Baker and her son Shaun ~ caterers
The Police
Constable Dee Bryce ~ PC with attitude
Detective Superintendent ‘Speedy’ Macready ~ it’s in the name
Detective Inspector Lucas ~ an unknown quantity
Detective Sergeants Cribbe and Trevor
Elsewhere
Sarah Gray ~ Kenelm’s ex-wife, mother of their teenage sons
Eithan Bryce ~ Dee’s husband, car mechanic, father of their twins
CHAPTER ONE
Meriel’s smile could melt glass. It was as joyous as all your best birthdays and as irresistible as that iceberg must have been when it collided with the Titanic.
Over thirty years ago now, Calli had been sitting nervously in the foyer of her new school, hoping the resemblance to the tiled hallway where the body is found in Cluedo wasn’t an omen, when through the main entrance had erupted a girl of her own age with unmanageable hair, an enviable bosom and a skirt as short as hers.
The girl had smiled at Calli as if she’d been waiting her whole life for this moment and plumped down in the next chair saying, “Hello, I’m Meriel.” The friendship had never looked back.
Currently, Meriel was deploying all one thousand watts of that smile on two local florists and the assistant from Wedding Belles, a start-up operating out of the back room at Fencross Parva Hair Flair. “I promise we’re not going to mess up your swags of greenery or light the candles in your beautiful arrangements. I promise Yseult isn’t going to spill anything on that glorious frock. You will both get a name check in the advertising credits.”
“But the dress isn’t really for...” said the Wedding Belles girl.
“It only has to look right for the brochure,” Meriel assured her. “That’s why we’ve got a pretend bride and groom who are the actual owners of the venue, and the pretend bride’s family and friends in their best clothes as wedding guests. The actual first wedding reception is tomorrow, but they’ll have their own photographer and would almost certainly charge us to use the photos.” She made a squeezing together motion with her hands. “Closer, lovebirds. Centre the knife over the cake.”
“But don’t cut it,” said Calli, smiling in pretend mother-of-the-bride fashion.
“Chance would be a fine thing,” said Gideon standing next to her, so debonair in a formal suit that Calli had to keep checking he was him. “There are three rounds of solid oak under that icing. You’d need a chain saw.”
The fake wedding party dissolved into laughter.
“Thank you,” said Meriel devoutly, taking half a dozen photos. “And we’re done. Izzy, into the kitchen and out of that dress so it can be returned to stock. Thank you, Yseult’s family, you were wonderful. It’s going to be the best brochure ever and Izzy and Bill will be able to repay the bank loan for the Wedding Barn in no time.” She looked at Calli. “I can have gin now, pretty please?”
“It’s not even lunch time,” said Gideon, loosening his tie.
As if that had ever mattered to Meriel. “You can have all the gin,” said Calli, detaching the fascinator from her hair and returning it to the Wedding Belles girl. “Let’s clear the place quick so Yseult and Bill can deal with the real bride and her wedding planner in...” She glanced at her watch, “about twenty minutes.”
“No need. Lady Honoria is on the case,” said Gideon. “Nothing is going to come between her granddaughter and a successful business venture, now Izzy has finally decided what it is she wants to do with her life. I’ll disassemble the cake and put it in the car. Shame it’s not real. I’m starving.”
Calli grinned at him. “We could stop at the Happy Plaice for a takeaway on the way back. Make up for missing breakfast.”
“You’re on. Remind me again how we got conned into this?”
“Izzy asked you to make car park signs and fix a wobbly table.”
And Gideon being Gideon, he’d also checked the rest of the furniture so his young cousin’s first clients didn’t end up on the floor with food and fizz all over their posh frocks. Meriel had cast an eye over the home-made website while they were waiting, winced, and offered her considerable experience to put together a rather slicker package. It had seemed a brilliant idea to assemble a laughing wedding party for an advertising brochure. Calli should have remembered most of Meriel’s brilliant ideas arrived at the wrong end of a bottle of wine.
Thus Gideon had been in his workshop at dawn turning the discs for a wooden wedding cake which Calli had covered with the village shop’s entire stock of ready-roll icing. It was also why she and Gideon were dressed in hastily-ironed smart clothes at eleven o’clock on a Friday morning instead of comfortably going about their business in t-shirts and shorts at home. Quite how Meriel - an occasional visitor to Fencross Parva - had persuaded Yseult’s grandmother Lady Honoria Gray to take part in the photoshoot and dragoon sundry members of the family into following suit, she had no idea. That smile and a lot of fast talking, probably. Then again, the whole Gray clan were so flabbergasted that Bill and Izzy’s madcap idea was actually taking shape at last, they were morally bound to support them.
“We should have asked Rev Robin as well,” lamented Yseult, emerging with the bridal gown which she handed over. “She could have married us properly while we were looking nice.”
“You don’t have a wedding ceremony licence,” Calli reminded her. “Or a marriage licence, for that matter.”
“Robin’s so chill she wouldn’t mind.”
“Rules. Sorry.”
From outside came the noise of cars departing and others drawing up. “The clients are here early,” said Bill, looking alarmed. “I hope they haven’t thought of something else that needs changing.” He hurried out to deal with them.
“Bless the boy,” said Gideon. “I won’t cramp his style. I’ll take the cake out to the car through the kitchen.”
The Wedding Belles girl squeaked and said she’d come with him. “We’ve supplied Amber Beresford’s dress. If her mum finds out I lent Izzy one for free she’ll ask for a discount.”
The door to the barn opened. An immaculately dressed woman entered, accompanied by a leggy fashion plate in a powder-blue silk jumpsuit and three-inch heels, carrying an iPad. Trailing behind them was a wan strawberry blonde wearing a tie-fronted blouse and frayed shorts. The blonde gave an inarticulate cry and rushed towards Izzy.
“Amber, what’s the matter?” exclaimed Izzy. “Why aren’t you having a cucumber facial and a lovely manicure and being pampered?”
“That’ll be the bride, then,” murmured Meriel.
Calli nodded. “She’s been Izzy’s friend for years. Her parents are divorced and her father was being disagreeable about paying for a big wedding, so Izzy and Bill offered to open the Wedding Barn way sooner than planned to help out. They did have professional kitchen-fitters in, and Bill’s electronics lecturer oversaw the work on the lighting that Bill and his course-mates did, but tomorrow is basically being put together by a group of their friends, test-driving t he Wedding Barn over the summer vacation. Hence the fresh paint, wobbly table and air of unfinishedness behind the scenes.”
“It’s awful,” wailed the bride. “You know Felicity and Karen and Veronica all went to Ibiza together? They’ve all got covid. They can’t come to the wedding.”
“Oh no, that’s deep,” said Yseult. “Good thing you and Josh didn’t decide on a buddymoon with the gang, like Fleur suggested. You’d have caught it too.”
Amber dropped her voice so her companions, who were conferring with the florists at the top table, wouldn’t hear. “But at least they’d have been at the wedding. Now I won’t have any of my friends here. It’s all county and relatives and Josh’s parents’ people. No one for me. No one lively and fun.”
“Bill and I will be here,” said Izzy. She also looked across at the top table. “And Fleur.”
Amber’s voice wobbled. “You’ll be busy checking things don’t go wrong. Fleur is organising it. It won’t be the same. I just wanted one table of our friends to talk and laugh and prove I know fun, interesting people.”
“You poor thing,” said Calli, interrupting before the girl dissolved into tears. “It sounds as though you could do with a pot of tea. Why don’t you both sit at the staff table, Izzy, and I’ll make some.”
“You’re overwrought and no wonder,” added Meriel. “It’s going to be your big day tomorrow.” She waved an expansive hand. “Look at all this. It’s lovely. With the barn doors shut and the fairy lights twinkling and all the rest of Bill’s clever lighting, it will be magical. A day to remember.”
Calli slipped through the swing door to the kitchen. In contrast to the rustic nature of the main room, the Wedding Barn kitchen was gleaming catering-standard stainless steel. It had taken the lion’s share of the bank loan but, as everyone had pointed out, Bill and Yseult wouldn’t get far putting on events without a hygiene certificate and sufficient equipment to feed a couple of hundred people.
She made the tea quickly, wiped down after her and was shouldering the door open, balancing the tray, as she heard a genial Irish voice in the car park outside asking where the catering facilities were because they wanted to get started on the prep for tomorrow.
Bill Enderby answered, saying he’d show them where everything was and how it all worked. Calli let the door swing closed behind her and heard no more.
Meriel, she saw with no surprise, was sitting with Yseult and Amber offering consoling words. Gideon came in from the courtyard and raised his eyebrows. “I thought we were going for fish and chips?”
“We are. Just as soon as we prise Meriel away from her latest lame duck.”
Amber turned a watery smile on her as she put the tray down. “Thank you. I don’t know why I feel shaky. Mummy says it’s nerves. Really, I just want people to stop arguing. I phoned Daddy to tell him I was upset because of the girls not coming but instead of sympathising, he asked about getting a discount on the catering. Then he shouted at Mummy when she said it was too late because the numbers were given in last week. They’ve already had a huge row because of him wanting the cake-cutting at the beginning of the reception so he can save on the bill by using it as dessert. Mummy won that one. It’s horrible. I didn’t want my wedding to be about money. I wanted to enjoy it.”
“You poor love,” said Meriel. She had a look of calculation in her eyes. Calli braced herself. “How many guests will you be missing?”
“Six,” wailed Amber. “That’s nearly a whole table. They were going to sit with Izzy and Bill where I could see them and be all sort of buoyed up.”
Meriel flashed a conspiratorial grin at Calli. “I’m sure we could rustle up a few cheerful, laughing guests. We haven’t got anything planned for tomorrow and I do love a wedding.”
Meriel to the rescue. Had there ever been any doubt? Calli smiled reassuringly at Amber. “She has the most infectious laugh, if that’s what you want. We’re a lot older than you though.”
“That won’t matter,” said Amber. “Mummy’s county people are older too. Will you really come?”
She looked so hopeful that Calli’s heart melted. “Not to the wedding, but we’ll be here when you arrive and we promise to smile and laugh.”
“There’s dancing too, after the meal. Fleur’s booked a band.”
“Meriel spends all her spare time in clubs.”
Her friend swatted her arm. “It only seems that way. I can sway my hips with the best of them, but if there is any formal dancing, count me out. A salsa to Copa Cabana is my limit.”
“A salsa is really difficult,” said Izzy, impressed. “They said so on Strictly. How can you do that and not anything else?”
“My agency organised a Ballroom and Latin day. Each pair learned a different routine. It was a team bonding exercise.”
“Which you did, as I recall,” murmured Calli.
“Rude not to. And then un-bonded after the blazing row about commitment. Story of my life.”
Amber had stopped listening. “I’ll tell Mummy and Fleur the table is sorted. This tea is lovely. Fleur keeps saying I should have a spritzer, but tea’s nicer.”
“I’ve always thought so,” said Meriel, not making eye contact with Calli. “Is that Fleur with your mother? Is she a friend of yours?”
“Yes, but we’re paying her to do the planning. It was really nice of her to offer, because she’s easily the most organised of our group, isn’t she, Izzy?”
Yseult nodded. “She always has been. She’s doing Maid of Honour as well, because I’ve got to be here beforehand. Mind you, like Bill and I said when we decided to start the Wedding Barn, we’ve all been to so many weddings between us that we more or less know what to do anyway.”
“Fleur says there’s more to it behind the scenes. She’s thinking of making it a career now. She says it suits her better than office work. Daddy says really it’s because she’s having a cooling off period after causing a bit of friction between the constituency office and the London one. He says she was getting on people’s nerves.”
Izzy dropped her voice. “I’m not surprised. Fleur does tend to think she’s right all the time, doesn’t she?”
“A bit, yes. Anyway, she’s sorted everything out with Mummy. I’ve hardly had to do a thing.” There was a wistful note in Amber’s voice.
“You must have chosen your own dress,” said Calli.
“Oh yes, it’s lovely. I really wanted one with pockets, but there weren’t any. Mummy said I could manage without my phone for forty minutes and she’d bring it in my wedding bag inside her own.”
“I keep mine in my bra,” said Meriel cheerfully.
Amber looked a little more animated. “Oh! I wonder if I could...?”
“No,” said Calli firmly, motioning Meriel to leave before she put any more unsuitable ideas into Amber’s head. “Suppose it rang in the middle of the service? We’re off for fish and chips, so we’ll see you tomorrow. Where are you going on your honeymoon?”
“I don’t know. It’s a surprise. Josh booked it and Fleur has packed a case with what I’ll need.”
On cue, the fashion plate called across the room. “Amber, why are you and Izzy gossiping when there’s still so much to do? Josh says he’s sent you a text about his best man, but you haven’t answered.”
“Oh, sorry.” Amber fumbled in her handbag. “The best man’s got covid too. There was a whole big group of them who went away together.” She looked at the text and went slightly pink. “Oh good, Timothy is going to do it.”
“Brilliant,” said Izzy. “I’ll have to tell Bill. We haven’t seen Timothy for ages.”
“Well no, because since his dad’s business crashed, he’s been working in his uncle’s bookshop full time. D’you think it’s being with books all day that makes him so lovely and restful?”
“Definitely,” said Calli. “I’m a librarian. Most peaceful people on the planet.”
Amber giggled and scanned the text some more. “Josh says Timothy is too tall and skinny to fit the hired suit, so he’ll wear one of his own. He’ll stay with Josh tonight and drive him up and take charge of the ring and make sure he gets to the church on time. And he doesn’t mind about the police.”
“Police?” said Calli, halting on her way to the door and looking back.
Amber nodded. “Josh’s father is Ross Ivory, the Member of Parliament for this area. He’s worried about Just Stop Oil protesters interrupting the wedding, so he’s organised us a police escort at the church. He’s coming over this afternoon with Daddy to see the arrangements. I hope the protesters don’t stalk him.” She bent over her phone and started to text a reply.
