Broken is beautiful, p.21
Broken is Beautiful, page 21
Lynda welcomes me and makes my cappuccino with chocolate. We sit on the deck, now empty of gnomes.
“Is your doll clearing still progressing well, Lynda? Your living space is looking great.”
“It’s okay, but I’m hitting roadblocks now. I have so many dolls whose stories I know, and I can’t just let those stories end.”
“Maybe we need to talk about how many dolls are enough? You don’t have to empty your entire house of dolls. Once you can use all your furniture and rooms that could be enough.”
It’s so much easier encouraging someone else rather than trying to fix my own issues. Right now what I don’t want to tackle are vaccines, but I must. I suddenly blurt out, “I would like to talk with you about vaccines. I am not sure they are a good idea.”
“Not a good idea? What do you mean?”
“There’s a lot we aren’t being told about vaccines and we are also not being told about other important things to do with the pandemic. Remember how Greg said that more people who have been vaccinated are dying of COVID than people who haven’t been vaccinated?”
“Yes, I do, but I asked Monique about it afterwards. Turns out, the vaccinated people who are dying are elderly. They were the first to get vaccinated and their vaccinations are wearing off, they need a booster shot.”
“Don’t you think something strange is happening? If that’s true, we are being given vaccines that don’t even last six months. Couldn’t scientists develop better vaccines? Have the pharmaceutical companies calculated they can make more money by vaccinating people regularly? It’s like shampoo – manufacturers encourage people to wash their hair twice. We are being given shampoo that doesn’t work well the first time, so you have to apply it again. It seems like a money-making venture for big pharma if there ever was one.”
“I see your argument,” Lynda replies. “However, because companies make money out of vaccines doesn’t make them bad, does it?”
“Not necessarily, but vaccines are not working properly and are making people sick. There are reports of lots of people getting sick after being vaccinated. Pharmaceutical companies and governments are trying to suppress the information but organisations like The Real News are finding it out and telling us.”
“Oh, come on, Julia. You don’t believe everything you read in The Real News, do you? It’s a weird mishmash of real information combined with complete rubbish. You can’t tell what’s true and what’s false. It is a classic trick, mixing truth with falsehoods to confuse people.”
“What do you mean by ‘complete rubbish’? Can you prove what they are saying is wrong?”
“Did you see the article on magnetisation after vaccination? Pictures of people with magnets and spoons stuck to their skin. It’s easy to stick a magnet to your skin if you are sweaty enough. I can do it any time after cycling. The article also says non-magnetic items will stick to people who have been vaccinated. That’s confused, isn’t it? They are saying people have been magnetised and things stick to them which are not magnetic.”
“Okay, maybe that article isn’t well argued, but there’s enough information about vaccination risks to make me not want one.
“My mother told me about the herbal supplements she’s taking to fight off COVID naturally. The Real News has plenty of information on how to stay healthy without vaccines.” This is a stretch. I know Mum talked about taking herbal supplements, but I don’t remember her taking them to prevent getting COVID.
“My next-door neighbour says he’s not getting vaccinated because of all the risks. Greg isn’t either. Do you think they’re all out to lunch?”
“I wasn’t saying they’re out to lunch, Julia. Just that there’s a lot of evidence vaccines help the fight against COVID-19. It’s exceptionally infectious and kills one to two per cent of people who catch it. I’m confident vaccines are much safer than catching COVID.”
I am not listening to Lynda properly now because she isn’t listening to me. She hasn’t believed anything I’ve said and keeps countering everything I say.
“I think your mind’s made up so you’re ignoring the evidence against COVID vaccines. You want vaccines to be safe so that’s all you listen to. You need to investigate more broadly to find out the truth.”
“I would say the same about you Julia. You believe your relatives and neighbours and dodgy internet sources. You ignore the Director General of Health’s messages. You ignore information from Medsafe and the Government. You ignore doctors saying they are scared about COVID sweeping through old people and sick people. Your relatives and neighbours know better than doctors and the Government?”
“Don’t start dissing my relatives and neighbours, you don’t even know them, you haven’t met them.”
“I did meet one neighbour. The guy with strong views about Cindy.”
“Okay, you met Alan with a fence between you. I still think you’re as closed-minded as you suggest my friends and neighbours are. And you’re implying I’m like them.”
“What do you mean Julia? I wasn’t saying anything about you.”
“You don’t need to say anything, I can interpret what you aren’t saying from what you have said. I don’t know how you can say anything about me because you hardly know me at all!”
“Fine, Julia. I could say the same. You barely know me. You haven’t tried to find out about me either. You could look at yourself harder. You think your life is difficult. You have no idea how difficult other people’s lives are. You don’t seem interested in other people.”
At this moment Fran knocks on the front door. Our conversation has reached a level of intensity and pitch such that we didn’t notice her parking outside or walking up the front steps.
“Hi, anybody home?” she calls.
“Lynda is home, and I am leaving. The two of you can have a nice confab without me about how wonderful vaccines are and how my relatives and neighbours are crazy, and I am too!”
I storm out the door, down the steps, get onto my bike and discover I left my puffer jacket on the deck. Too bad, there’s no way I am going back. I let my brakes off and fly down the hill. Who cares if I have an accident? Who cares about anything? COVID has spoiled the world.
44
I cycle home furiously. The rising nor’wester speeds me around the base of the hills to Sumner.
I drop my bike in the garden and storm up to my front door, kicking it in frustration when my key sticks in the lock. I kick the few remaining boxes in the entrance, enjoy seeing their contents spill over the floor, then stamp on fallen objects on my way to the kitchen.
How dare Lynda put me down? I thought she was my friend, but she can’t be trusted. I imagine her and Fran laughing about my behaviour, querying each other on why I am so weird about vaccines. I feel even more rage.
Before I know it, I am calling Mum, because I need someone to back me up. The only proximal person is Alan-next-door and I’m not having a chat with him about my friend ditching me. Alan would probably tell me she was a weird sort of woman, liking Cindy. While I am angry with Lynda, I am not ready to have someone else tell me I’m a fool for being friends with her.
It’s very rare I call Mum when in need. Mostly I call her when I am feeling strong enough to deal with her. The lizard parts of my brain must be remembering Mum grew me in her body and that was a sort of caring. Gran is no use to me as she would say vaccines are life savers and people mean well and do their best. I want someone to say, “How could she? How awful for you, Julia.”
“Hi Mum. Thought I’d give you a call. I know I should call you more often.”
“Julia darling, always lovely to hear from you. Bruce and I have just returned from an outing to the doctor.”
“The doctor? Are you still not feeling well Mum?”
“Visits to the doctor are part of our weekly routine. Today the incontinence nurse was coming through Takaka and my doctor, Wendy, booked me in to talk about Brucey. He isn’t in control of things down there any more and I was having to do so much washing. The trouble is, I can’t hold my arms above my head for long enough to hang up the washing, so we constantly run out of his underwear and trousers. Adult diapers are the solution, but you wouldn’t believe how expensive they are.”
This is more information about Bruce than I ever wanted to know although I have diaper experience from Gran.
“Right Mum, that must be difficult for you.”
“You know, I thought it would be, but in the end we all pee and poo, don’t we. As long as it stays contained it isn’t so hard to deal with. The incontinence nurse was lovely, and she gets us free diapers that the government pays for.”
“Did you talk with the doctor about your dizzies? How are you feeling now?”
“I talked with Wendy about my dizzies, it’s not a big deal, Julia. Wendy’s keeping a close eye on me, she’s such a nice person. She has given me something to spray under my tongue when I get chest pains and told me not to climb ladders or stand on chairs. I have to ask Ray to come over when a light bulb needs changing, but he’s such a nice neighbour there’s no problem.”
“I wish I had enough money to come visit you. I’m making more money than I have for years, so hopefully it will be soon.”
“That would be lovely Julia, you could help me with Brucey. It does get tiring sometimes because he doesn’t have much to add to the conversation and there is a lot to do around the house, even though social welfare’s giving us two hours of paid cleaning a week.”
An invitation to help with Brucey does not fill me with excitement so I make a non-committal, “Mmm.”
“Now Julia, before I forget, you don’t need to worry about me and Bruce getting COVID, we have both been vaccinated.”
“You have been vaccinated against COVID? What do you mean? The last time we talked, you told me there was no way you’d get vaccinated because vaccinations were killing people! You told me about The Real News and I found out there are all sorts of things the Government and doctors aren’t telling us. And I told my friend, and she didn’t believe me. And …”
I am so mad I am hyperventilating. My flip-flop mother has done it again. One day she’s telling me vaccinations are terrible and the next day she has one. She was never to be trusted. I am close to hanging up because I don’t want to hear anything more she has to say.
“Julia, Julia, darling, you shouldn’t take everything I say so literally. You know what I have always been like. I say whatever’s going through my head today but what’s going through my head tomorrow could be different. I thought you knew that from when you were a little girl. You liked being with your Gran so much more than with me because she was a person like you. Gran figured things out in her head and, when she was sure about them, she talked about them. I talk about things to figure them out, always have, always will.
“I have talked about vaccines a lot with Wendy because she’s helped Brucey and me so much. I told her about my herbal supplements, and she said they are all good. There’s no problem supporting my health with different approaches. She explained clearly why a vaccine would be unlikely to make me sick, while COVID could make me extremely sick. Because of my heart. Brucey could get even sicker because there are lots of bits of him not working well. For old people like us with parts breaking down it’s important to be as protected as possible. I’d feel terrible if I got Brucey sick. I don’t want to give Shirleen and Ray COVID either. They’re younger than us but not exactly young.
“So yes, we got our first vaccination in May and our second dose today. A little prick and it was over. I never felt sick at all. I don’t know what I was so worried about.”
“What about vaccines being able to change your DNA and then you get sick years down the track?”
“Julia, sweet, realistically I am not going to be around for many years, so it doesn’t matter. But Wendy reassured me on that too. Vaccines aren’t messing with your DNA; they are just helping your body prepare to fight COVID.”
“Weren’t your friends upset when you changed your mind about vaccinations?”
“Cushla and Danny were annoyed because they are totally against vaccinations, so we’re having a friend break. I hope they will get over it sooner rather than later. But, funny, it turned out lots of our friends weren’t so sure whether they were pro or anti. When Brucey and I got vaccinated I told them they could talk with Wendy. She wouldn’t try to convince them of anything they didn’t want to do. Then quite a few of them decided to get vaccinated too.
“Not everyone jumped in right away, of course. Some of our friends are still waiting to see if vaccinated people get sick. Some are waiting till COVID gets into New Zealand again, because there’s no problem right now. Why get a vaccine when there isn’t a problem? Some of our friends are young so can’t get vaccinated yet anyhow.”
I feel the rug has been pulled out from under me with Mum’s change of heart. I no longer know what to think about vaccination, nor how to think about what I should be thinking about vaccination. This is all messed up. There’s no point telling Mum about my conversation with Lynda because I’m going to look stupid. Mum has had another of her regular goes at wrecking my life, by telling me things that now she says aren’t true.
“Mum, I don’t want to continue this conversation. We’ll talk another time, okay?”
“That’s fine darling. I hope I’ll see you up here soon. Don’t bother coming if it’s only for my funeral though, alright?”
Mum, she might not be consistent, but she knows how to have the last word.
45
7–13 June 2021
Stuff all those people who like the idea of vaccination. They can go hang in their vaccination club and I will keep doing my repairs and pay off my loan so I can stop going to OA and it won’t matter. I am not going to wallow in the pit of depression and lethargy I now see I was submerged in for years. It is onwards and upwards for me.
I spend Monday repairing items, putting them on the doorstep and texting people to come and pick them up. I have enough space in the shed to take in new items. My house is close to cleared of queued jobs.
I have set a maximum two-week timeline in which to do each repair and I’m giving it to clients to keep myself on track. I’m also bringing up my re-creation work with anyone I talk to, and I have a few commissions lined up. I can see there’s much more potential to make money from re-creation than repair, like Lynda suggested. Even if I don’t want her to be right.
While I’m working my phone rings numerous times. When I see the calls are coming from Fran and Lynda, I turn the sound off.
Tuesday is my day to see Bev and Bill. I haven’t talked about COVID with Bev. We have plenty of other things to discuss. When I get to their house, Bev is headed out the door with her surfboard. She says she already rode to the Esplanade and the surf is looking just the right size. Bev is wearing a blue and black wetsuit.
“How come you are wearing a shortie wetsuit in the middle of winter?”
“A journalist wanted to make a film about me and gave me the wetsuit because I’d have to be in the water for a long time to get the right shots. I didn’t want to use it. I’ve spent my life surfing in my swimsuit and didn’t want to look soft in a film. I have to admit it’s actually quite nice to be warmer. Isn’t it annoying when you disagree and then people turn out to be right. She’s such a nice person though that I don’t mind.”
I wonder why the journalist didn’t get Bev a long-sleeved wetsuit. Bev must be super tough.
“Have a lovely surf. Bill and I will have a nice morning hanging out.”
Bill is already watching television, it’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles again. I try to have a conversation with Bill about which Turtle he likes best but my interrupting the TV irritates him, so I keep quiet and let him watch in peace. He sits happily in his recliner, waving his fist when an evil protagonist attacks a Turtle.
The Turtles remind me of Greg and James and Greg’s concerns about vaccination. I start telling Bill about my vaccination worries in a quiet voice, so I don’t disturb his TV watching.
I tell Bill how Alan-next-door and Mum and Greg got me worried about vaccinations. How Mum told me about The Real News and how scary many of the articles were. How I looked up other articles, searching from the information in The Real News, and found lots of links backing up the articles I’d already read. There is so much information out there explaining the dangers of vaccination and the real objectives of the powerful people. I am amazed so many people are uninformed.
I don’t stop at telling Bill about vaccinations, I explain how I learned to do research on the internet to find out about Robbie. I tell him what I found, how Robbie had killed a little girl by accident, her family wouldn’t forgive him, and his best escape was to come to the other side of the world.
I tell Bill how I dreamed Robbie might be starting to love me and about feeling stupid when I found Robbie with Rosemary and realised Robbie was just being nice to me. Or was Robbie being nice to me because he liked me as a friend, and it was my mistake for imagining Robbie could be something more? I lost our whole friendship by expecting something Robbie had never suggested was a possibility, it was all in my mind.
Talking to Bill is so easy I keep right on going. I tell him about the boxes and broken objects in my house that I am starting to overcome. How could I have lost the plot so badly as to turn Gran’s house into an ugly rubbish dump I don’t like? I haven’t properly cared for the house or the garden in years and it badly needs painting. I have existed around its periphery, enjoying specific items like my front door, Marimekko chair and mosaic seat while ignoring the rest of the chaos taking over my life since …
I pause to see what Bill is doing. He’s happily cheering for Donatello, so I continue, given I’m on a roll.
“This chaos has been taking over my life since not long after my daughter, Amanda, died. She didn’t get to have her first Christmas, or her first birthday, or first many, many other things. I couldn’t keep the most precious thing in my life safe, so I stopped caring about the myriad other less precious things. It crept up on me, the not caring, and then it took me over, so I submerged under the tidal wave of broken things that everyone’s lives are made up of. It’s what I felt I deserved, broken things, because I couldn’t keep things whole.
