I want to say goodbye to everyone, but I don’t want this to be harder than it already is. Besides, time is running short. I can’t even bring myself to look Marsa’s way. My dearest friend for as long as I can remember. My heart is ripping into tiny pieces, torn to shreds by leaving those I love. By leaving my sister. But it’s to save them and must be done.

  As I walk away, I want to cry. This ache inside hurts, but I don’t give into it. Instead, my lips remember Jorrin’s warmth. I remember his hand on mine. And Marsa’s ever-present faith in me and undying friendship. Memories to keep me sane when the loneliness of being the only evil person alive stabs at me.

  Chapter Twenty

  Though tired, I don’t think sleep is an option. Neither is food. My eyes are gritty. I’ve waited much too long. Maybe if I hadn’t hesitated, Felix would still be with us. Maybe the darkness would have had a chance to seep from his system.

  Guess failing him takes me one step closer to being evil.

  It must be daytime because it’s grown lighter. Not bright as day but like shortly after sunset. I can see a little but no details. I’m grateful for the light, though. Without my Zophasken, I feel little of the world around me. Is this what Granny feels like now?

  I head off in the direction of the canyon, but I have nothing to go on other than my regular senses. They aren’t nearly enough. How do people live like this all the time? I’m so empty.

  I keep walking, though I don’t know where I’m going. As long as I’m alive and manage to become evil, it doesn’t matter where I end up. But I don’t know what to do. How does one become evil? Without so much Zophasken, it’s hard to feel the evil, let alone embrace it.

  Most evil acts I’ve encountered have been things done to other people. Killing, stealing, rape, torture. I can’t do any of those things out here alone in the dark. Even if there were other people around, I couldn’t bring myself to do any of them. The thought of even trying makes my stomach churn. But then, what can I do? How does one become evil?

  Finally, after hours on the move, I sit on a fallen log. There’s a surrounding copse of trees, which is no surprise since we haven’t left the forest quite yet. There’s the sound of a small brook bubbling nearby. What can I do?

  Maybe I’m trying to make this about something too big. Of course it’s hard for me to think of a huge evil act when I’ve done very little evil.

  I’ve got it! I can start with a cuss.

  That’s simple enough. I’ve never said one before, but the Malryx cussed all the time. Even some people who are not Malryx cuss when they get hurt or frustrated. It should be easy enough and a good first step. Right?

  Thinking about talking aloud to myself makes me squirm.

  “Sno-blot.”

  It stumbles out, more of a sad, disjointed word than a curse. I grit my teeth and try again.

  “Snoblot.”

  Better. At least it’s all one word, but it still sounds weak. I eye the forest around me, my cheeks growing warm at the thought of trying to curse to myself. It needs to be done, though. What can I do to make it sound tougher?

  “Snoblot, snoblot, snoblot.”

  Still sounds lifeless and weak. I can imagine Marsa laughing at my paltry efforts. The thought makes me giggle.

  “Sno—” I laugh “—blot.”

  Giggling is bad when trying to swear. I clamp my mouth closed and count to ten. The giggly mood doesn’t leave me. That’s Marsa, making me lose focus, even when she’s not around. It is sort of a silly word, though. Snoblot, like someone didn’t know how to talk about blotting their snot. Where does a word like that even come from? And what person could have decided that it was supposed to be a bad word?

  I let the last of my giggles fade away. This isn’t helping. Malryx always sounded so angry when they swore at me. What makes me angry? Getting everyone into this situation in the first place. Just thinking about it makes my body tighten. This is not what I wanted to have happen. Not the result I wanted from all my hard work. I take all that emotion and throw it into the cuss.

  “Snoblot!”

  It sounds better. Much better. More like cussing should. But it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel natural, and I don’t feel like saying it again. What’s the point?

  This is wrong. Cursing doesn’t make someone evil, and I can’t even manage to do it right.

  I made evil plans to get away. I lied. I swore. What else is evil that I can do without anyone around? I’ve pushed things so far, and I don’t have my power. It shouldn’t be this hard. Evil should be consuming me.

  I glance at a nearby tree, small and still trying to prove its worth to the world. We were always taught to respect nature. Now the tree is a little darker than normal but not evil yet. Not dominated, like the living trees in the forest by Crowin. It should still be neutral. Still have a chance for life.

  Even though I don’t want wood for anything, I pull out my ax, hands shaking. Even as I raise it up, both hands firmly on the handle, it takes everything in me to bring the blade down without asking for its forgiveness.

  Many chops latter, the tree lies on the forest floor, dying the slow death of being cut off from its source of life. I’m just staring at it.

  And nothing happens. Nothing.

  I slam my ax down into the tree, chipping bark. Again. And again. And again. Each swing growing heavier and harder, just like my heart. By the time my arms are too weak to move, the tree is a mutilated mess. Wood chips everywhere, deep gouges across the entire thing, with branches ripped off and thrust aside.

  It’s a sight that would leave Showna horrified. My insides feel even worse than the tree looks.

  But it doesn’t matter. Any of it. None of my efforts are any use. Even without my Zophasken, I can’t become evil. No matter what I try, I can’t. I’ve failed. An ache grips at my chest and pushes its way out with a sob. How many more people will die because I can’t get the evil under control? How many more people will lose their homes? Their loved ones? How many more animals will turn evil? How many more of my friends will die? All because of me.

  The thought of Felix passing to the stars makes me sob harder. What will I do if that becomes Marsa or Jorrin? There’s nothing I can do to stop it. I’ve failed at becoming evil.

  A hand touches my shoulder. I jump, my tears instantly drying as I’m whipping out my sword.

  “Whoa! It’s just me,” Jorrin says.

  I slump back onto the log, hand still gripping my sword. Of course he found me. Not only that, but he managed to do it when I’m making a fool of myself with all these tears.

  “How did you find me?”

  “Strange thing, that.” He sits next to me. I didn’t realize how cold I got or remember how warm he could make me. “I woke up to Tavo shaking me. Telling me you were gone. That he couldn’t find you anywhere. And my Zophasken had suddenly multiplied beyond reason. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?”

  My cheeks heat.

  “I thought so,” he says. “With all the extra power, it was easy to feel your little bright spot in the midst of this forest. Never thought I’d be able to sneak up on you, though. That, I will never forget.”

  My bright spot, like a blemish that should be darkened, and I just can’t make it so. But I’m not about to admit that to him. “It’s cheating if you try sneaking up on a crying girl. You’re lucky I didn’t slice off your legs.”

  “Oh no, you are not taking this one away from me. There is no such rule, and you know it. I got you good.”

  “Fine. You win. Finally managed to get me,” I say. “Bet you couldn’t have done it if I hadn’t given you all my Zophasken, though.”

  “You’d like to think that.”

  I chuckle, but the spot of energy doesn’t last, and I have to resist the urge to lean into him.

  “Why were you crying?” he asks.

  I don’t want to think about my tears. “What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be with the others, getting them home so the Aster and Astra know what is going on.”

  “I couldn’t let you wander around alone in the dark. The others are fine on their own. They can all feel the light now. I’m surprised you can’t, actually. They aren’t even that far away from us right now.”

  “Are you teasing me again?”

  “No. You really didn’t make it far into the canyon.” His face is grave. “Why did you leave us?”

  I humpf. Fine. Might as well let my stupid plot be known. Maybe he’ll have an idea I couldn’t think of. “I was trying to become a Malryx, but I can’t. I need to do it, but I can’t, Jorrin.” Tears gather in my eyes again.

  He puts a hand on my back and moves it in circles. “Why were you trying? Why would you want to be something you’ve fought your whole life against?”

  “How else am I going to save everyone?”

  He cups my chin with his hands and makes me look straight at him. “You can’t. You’ve already tried your whole life, but it doesn’t work that way. You’ve tried so hard you won’t let anything else in. Or anyone.”

  The accusation hurts, a sharp stinging hurt that feels all too true.

  His voice softens. “We’ll figure this out together. If I can’t help, the Aster and Astra can when we get back home. You don’t have to do it alone.”

  “But if I could become Malryx now, it would start making things better.”

  “You tried, didn’t you?”

  “Yes.” The failure of my attempts still stings, hot and angry.

  “And it didn’t work.”

  My throat closes up. “No.”

  “And it didn’t work because…?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe I need to give you more of my Zophasken?”

  His hands drop from my face but move to clasp both of mine. “It doesn’t work like that.”

  “But Noresh. After I took too much from her, she became Malryx.” My eyes burn. “I had to defeat her.”

  “That wasn’t because of anything you did.”

  I pull away from him. “Don’t try to make me feel better. I know what happened.”

  “But Kaylyn, you don’t. It doesn’t work like that. It was her choice. It’s not possible to take enough good out of someone to turn them evil. They have to want it.”

  Could it really be? Did Noresh really turn because she wanted to and not because of what I did?

  “Think about it,” he says. “If giving and taking powers worked like that, why wouldn’t we go around giving our Zophasken to the Malryx? Or why wouldn’t they give their Malkine to us? Battles wouldn’t be fought with swords and words, but with the push and pull of power.”

  “I don’t know, Jorrin. I was there. I did it to her. She didn’t have much, and I took it from her, and then she left to join Morphrac.”

  “She was thinking about leaving anyway. She had good in her, but that good was clouded by darkness and fear.”

  “How do you know?”

  “She talked to me about it a few times. Not so specifically, but I could tell it was troubling her.”

  “This whole time I thought it was my fault. I thought I did something wrong.”

  He squeezes my hand. “No, Kaylyn. You did exactly what you were asked. You did what was right. She made her choice, and you made yours.”

  It makes me feel a little better, except… “What’s the point of giving and taking Zophasken, then? If we are who we are by our motivations, why does the power matter?”

  “You’ve had it. Now you don’t. Can’t you feel a difference?”

  Like night and day. “I can’t feel much around me. Doubt I could make a wisp of a fireball.”

  “Exactly. It helps you feel the good and evil around you. It enhances what’s already inside of us.” He grows more serious. “That’s why the Aster and Astra chose you. They know what is inside your heart. They knew you would benefit the most from the extra Zophasken. They knew you would be able to do the most good.”

  And look where that got us. Though I did do it at the request of others, and it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. And why didn’t they pick Jorrin? Is there something inside of him I’ve missed? All I see and feel from him is good. Much more than I myself possess. Is my friendship with him blinding me to what’s there?

  It doesn’t matter. It won’t fix the problem at hand. “What if I don’t want to be good anymore? I want to be evil.”

  “And why is that?”

  “To stop the evil spreading through nature. I don’t think it will stop completely with just me, but it started growing before I killed Morphrac. If I become evil, it would slow it down. Maybe if I can become evil enough, it might even stop it completely.”

  A smile tugs at his lips. “And that is why you can’t become Malryx. Even your desire to become so is motivated by good. You could never be evil.”

  My breathing quickens. I lean closer to him before I catch myself. What am I doing? I can’t act out on these feelings. Marsa has loved him for too long for me to try and stake any claim on him.

  I jump to my feet and clear my throat. “Do you think the idea would work, though? If we found a way to bring the Malryx back, do you think it would stop or maybe even reverse the destructive nature?”

  Instead of answering, he stalks away from me and bends down to inspect the damage I did to the tree. Shame and regret race through me, mixing in an unfamiliar wave of pain, burning and sour.

  “If our theory about why things have changed is correct,” Jorrin finally says, “and I haven’t found any reason to suspect otherwise, I think it would work.”

  “If I can’t turn evil, who can? And can we help someone else become so?”

  “I don’t know. If we want things to be better, we may have to.”

  A frustrated laugh escapes me. “Did you ever think we’d want the Malryx back?”

  “Never.” After a few minutes of silence, Jorrin says, “I’ll give it a try.”

  “Give what a try?”

  “Becoming a Malryx.”

  “But wouldn’t your motives be the same as mine? That right there would make whatever we try unsuccessful. Wouldn’t it?”

  “Probably. But there are things that I wonder about sometimes.” His voice grows faint.

  “Things I think could possibly make my motives change.”

  Is he hiding things from me? When he says nothing further, I say, “What is it?”

  He turns his back to me, words flying from him like harsh, angry arrows. “Why don’t you return my feelings? Whenever I try to get closer, you start to respond but always stop yourself. Every star-cursed time. Why?”

  I clench up. What does this have to do with him trying to become evil? I don’t know, but I can’t tell him about Marsa. That would break her confidence. Except, he deserves an answer. “I honestly don’t know what to say.”

  “Are you playing with me?”

  “What? No! Of course not. I would never do that to you.”

  He whirls on me, faced etched with anger. “Then why don’t you let yourself give into what I know you’re feeling?”

  Because my best friend loved you first, and I vowed to let her. And why do I feel like I’m being torn in two by a serrated sword? “There are others in my life who need my loyalty.”

  His brows arch. “Another boy?”

  “Not that.” Definitely not that.

  He stares at me as if he’s pulling the answer out from within me. “It’s Marsa, isn’t it?”

  I gasp and back away. He grabs my arm and pulls me back toward him, leaving us panting only inches apart. “I love you, Kaylyn. Not her. You.”

  He lets go of me and storms off into the darkness. I gape after him, wondering when the pieces of me are going to fall to the ground and crumble into nothing like it feels they should. In protecting Marsa, trying to be her friend, I’ve torn him apart. My own insides feel like they’re being dragged from me.

  A long, long while later, he returns. “Come on. We’ve got to get back to the others.”

  He storms away again, only this time, I follow him, wondering why I ever started this sun-cursed journey.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  The forest is darker than it was when I first left. Jorrin’s torch is fainter. Either the day is over, or the darkness is still growing. Perhaps both. We trudge in darkness for a while.

  “The rest are still a ways away since they’ve been walking all day and we haven’t,” he says. “We may have to stop for the night before we reach them.”

  “We can keep going. It’s not like there’s daylight to make a difference.”

  “You keep grabbing onto me because you’re stumbling. You only stumble when you’re tired.”

  I grump at the assessment of my weakness. But it’s true. Has he always been this in tune with me? “I can press on a little longer.”

  “Unless you trip and twist your ankle. Then we’ll be even farther behind.”

  “What, you don’t trust yourself to catch me?”

  He faces me for the first time since we set out. “I will always catch you, Kaylyn. But I can’t if you won’t let me.” He turns away from me. “This looks like as good a place as any.”

  I suck in a breath that stings my lungs.

  By the time he’s got a fire going and is heating what will have to pass for dinner, I realize I haven’t moved. The rest of the night, I tread on in the same sort of daze. We’re silent through it all. Even when I pull out blankets and lie down to sleep, we don’t exchange a single word.

  When he lets his feelings out, he doesn’t hold back.

  It’s dark when I wake, but then, it’s always dark. Though I know it hasn’t been more than five hours, my body isn’t complaining so hard. Once this is all over, I’ll collapse in exhaustion for a week, but until then, I’ll manage just fine. I climb out of my blankets, pack them up, and risk speaking to the feelings ogre. “Let me watch while you get some sleep.”

  “Don’t need it. I haven’t been up for two days like you have.” His words are still gruff but not in the ripping-my-soul-out sort of way.

  “We both know you’ll do better if you get some rest. I’ve had some. It’s your turn now.”

 

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