Cold hearted bastard, p.15
Cold Hearted Bastard, page 15
I open my mouth to unleash my anger on her, even though it’s not really her fault, but I stop before a word leaves my mouth.
She’s here.
And I want her more than I want my next breath.
My anger pales in comparison to my relief that she’s not gone yet. I hate that I can’t control my emotions around her. That she makes me feel anything at all. That I desire her more than I desire protecting myself.
I can deal with my anger, but in this second all I want to do is give in. Just for a minute.
I step closer. Yank her into my arms and growl before crushing my lips to hers. She kisses me back, throwing her arms around my neck and plastering her length against me.
Our mouths turn wild and desperate, eating at each other, fighting. I pick her up and she twines her legs around my waist. Her thighs tight around my hips, I push her against the wall of the house, thrusting my aching cock between her legs as she arches to meet me.
It goes on and on, our lips hungry. Full of biting teeth and clashing tongues. We’re breathless, our bodies moving, straining, but we’re not close enough.
I need inside her. Need to feel her cunt envelop me. If only because I was sure I’d never feel her again. Never taste and touch her.
Arm under her ass, I unzip my pants, fumbling and awkward, but shaking with my need to take her. I pull her panties to the side. I grip my cock and guide it inside her.
She groans, her head falling back as she surges to meet me. “Yes, god yes.”
We’re crazy and out of control and I can’t stop it. I don’t want to. I just want to allow the blinding pleasure of her to consume me. Blot out everything else in the world but her.
I growl out, “Pull the straps of your dress down.”
She does before twining her fingers in my hair. I lower my head and suck her nipple into my mouth, laving it with my tongue, pulling with my teeth.
“Jackson, Jackson…” She chants my name. “So good. God, it’s so good.”
It is. It’s more than sex. More than pleasure.
It’s fucking magical.
Which is so ridiculous I’m embarrassed to even think it, but it’s true.
I release her breast and lift my head to her ear and whisper, “I thought I’d never have you again.”
“Me too. I’m glad to be wrong.”
I pound inside her, unsure of how long I can stave off the orgasm barreling down on me, but wanting to say something important. “I need you.”
The admission races across my skin, terrifying and thrilling me at the same time.
Her fingers clutch at me, her nails digging into my skin. “I was so miserable.”
“Me too.” I moan as sensation sparks along my nerves, threatening to send me over the edge. But here, right now, in this frenzied state of mindless lust, I can say things to her I wouldn’t dare when I had presence of mind. “No matter what, you’re mine.”
“Yes.” She arches to meet me.
“I’m still mad.”
“I know.”
“But I want you too much. I’m like an addict when it comes to you.”
Her legs clamp around my waist and I feel the first hints of her climax ripple down my shaft. “Jackson, you’re it for me.”
She goes to say something else, but I cover her mouth with my hand, to keep her from screaming.
Against my hand she cries out, and bites my palm. It sends me hurtling over the edge and I bury my head in her neck as I come my fucking brains out.
I pump into her, hard. Furious in my desire to claim her. To milk every ounce of pleasure out of her.
We go on like that, both of us grinding into each other. The aftershocks dance over my skin as I catch my breath. At long last I kiss her, soft on her lips, capable of gentleness in the aftermath.
My skin begins to cool and I reluctantly pull out of her, brushing her hair back from her cheek. She blinks up at me and her legs come to rest on either side of mine.
I fix her panties, rubbing my fingers up and down the fabric. I meet her gaze. “You’re going to have to have this conversation wet from my cum.”
Her eyes flash and darken. “I have no problem with that.” She leans close and nips my jaw. “You have no idea how many times I’ve walked around aching because I’m full of you, the feel of your cock still imprinted on my skin.”
I smooth her dress over her stomach before running my thumb over her bare breast. “I do, because I’ve watched you, knowing and biding my time until I can take you again.”
I play over her nipple and she gasps, arching into my touch. “Do you think we’re crazy?”
“Yes.” Because we are.
Her lashes flutter closed. “How can I already want you again?”
I lean down and lick her nipple, sucking it into my mouth. Scraping my teeth over her flesh until I feel her quicken under me. I slide my fingers into her panties.
She’s slippery from me, from her, from the two of us together.
I circle her clit, once, twice, three times.
And just like that she’s coming. I can tell it takes her by surprise, and she bites down on my shoulder, shaking as she trembles and the contractions storm through her.
“Oh my god, I’m insane.” She moans against the curve of my neck, and impossibly I laugh.
Just when I thought I’d never laugh again.
“It’s not funny,” she says in a muffled voice. “I have no common sense when it comes to you.
I smile against her skin. “At least we’re both mad.”
Her fingers tangle into my hair. “Yes.”
I whisper, “One more time, then we talk.”
“Yes, Jackson, one more time.”
And I know, regardless of my anger, I’m not willing to let her go. At least not yet.
Gwen
It hadn’t taken us long to frantically fuck against the wall one more time. I think we needed it, to avoid the inevitable conversation. The questions. The intimacy. I’d tried as hard as I could not to come, I’d thought it would be easy, considering I’d had two orgasms already, but it was ridiculously hard.
As he’d driven inside me, I’d tumbled over the edge, the climax racing along my skin before leaving me cold.
There is nowhere left to hide.
We reposition our clothes, and smooth our hair before sitting on the patio furniture across from each other. I can’t help but worry.
This is the first truly honest conversation we’ve ever had. It will either end us, or start us on a path neither is prepared for.
I’m equally terrified of both options.
Jackson is sitting on a brown wicker chair with a beige cushion, leaning forward, elbows on splayed knees.
I don’t want to start, it feels so important, but I’m jittery with the anticipation, so I dive in. I smile. “So you have a daughter.”
He nods. “I have a daughter.”
“She’s lovely.”
“Yeah, she is.” He meets my gaze, there’s a low lamp sitting on the table casting a golden glow. It makes his whiskey eyes shimmer. “You understand now, why I have to stay here?”
Do I? I’m not sure I do. Or maybe I want to hear his explanation instead of my interpretation. “Tell me.”
“What do you want to know?”
I shake my head. “I don’t understand how it’s possible you kept her a secret.”
“She’s not a secret. Everyone around here knows about her. When I left that world, I closed the door on it and refused interviews altogether. It wasn’t to hide Natalie, but to protect her. And it was easier for me to close the door than leave it cracked open.”
I put my head on my hand. “Will you tell me the story? I think I deserve it.”
He drags his hand through his hair and mutters. “I’m going to kill Wyatt and Cat.”
It cuts me. Anger laces my tone when I speak. “Is it so horrible that I know? That I understand instead of going back to Chicago believing you don’t give a shit about me? Do you want me out of your life that much?”
A muscle in his jaw tightens. “You don’t get it, do you?”
“No, I do not.” My chin tilts.
“You’re the last fucking person I want to know about Natalie.”
It’s like a slap across the face and I fight back. “Fuck you, Jackson.” I stand. Screw this. I don’t need this. “I’m leaving and I’ll never bother you again, but understand this, I’m a catch. I’m not someone that deserves to be shut away in some motel room for you to come fuck whenever you need it. I’m sorry your brother and sister did this, it was clearly a mistake.”
I move to walk past him, too furious and upset to pay attention to the underlying panic that he’ll let me go.
He grips my wrist, yanking me to a stop.
I glare at him. “What, Jackson?”
“I thought you weren’t supposed to have a temper.”
I try to pull away but his fingers are like a vise. “Everything about you is against how I normally am.”
“Yeah, exactly. Which is why this is fucked up.”
I glance down at where his hand is wrapped around my wrist. “Let me keep my promise to Natalie, then let me go. I promise you’ll never see me again.”
We stare at each other, facing off, neither refusing to back down, but he doesn’t let me go. Instead, he tugs, until I fall into his lap and his arms wrap around me.
I frown. “Let me go, I’m too big for this.”
“Hardly.” He slides his hand up my thigh. “Will you just let me talk a goddamn second before you get all uppity with me?”
“I’m not uppity!” I push at him. “You made yourself clear. You don’t want me around your kid. What else is there to say?”
His fingers dig into my hip, but I squirm against him. He growls low in his throat. “Sit still, woman.”
It dawns on me that I’m attempting to engage him. That my struggle isn’t authentic but as a means to get a rise out of him. I’m playing the irrational, angry girl card, and I don’t like it. I stop and look at him. “You have five minutes.”
His fingers flex on my hip. “That might have not been the best way to say it, but let me try and rephrase.”
“Please do.” My voice is haughty.
He shakes his head at me and sighs. “We were so arrogant, and now we’re paying the price.”
“What do you mean?”
“We’re both so good at controlling the opposite sex, and when we came up with our a little plan to fuck as much as possible, we thought it would be easy.”
This makes me stop thinking and pay attention to what he’s actually saying. He’s right. I nod. “Yes.”
“Nothing about this is easy, Gwen. Nothing.” He moves his hand up my body and cups my chin, his touch gentle instead of aggressive. “I’m a coldhearted bastard and you’ve had me tied up in knots since the second I saw you. What chance does Natalie have when faced with you? She’s only five and she wants what other little girls have, a mom. How long do you think it’s going to take her to start putting you in that slot?”
“Oh.” My heart quickens, and I’m suddenly cold.
“You live in Chicago, Gwen. You have a business there, friends, family, your entire life is there. However we spin this, you are leaving and I’m staying. I can’t get excited about my daughter meeting someone she’s going to fall in love with then lose. She hurts enough, just by her existence, I can’t voluntarily sign her up for more.”
All my righteous indignation drains away, leaving me heartbroken and sad. I put my head on Jackson’s shoulder and he kisses me on the top of my head.
“I’m sorry.” What else am I supposed to say?
“You can’t help being you.” He rubs my bare arm and goose bumps break out along my skin.
“Will you tell me the story?” Because I want to know the truth, I want to understand everything.
He strokes up and down my arm, from my shoulder to my elbow, as though it’s soothing him. I close my eyes and sink into his warmth. He can be so gentle when he wants, although I never call it to his attention for fear he’ll stop and the walls will go back up again.
He begins. “Natalie’s mother is a Norwegian model I met at a private event at Maaaemo, Oslo, named Anna.”
He names a three star Michelin restaurant in Norway and I nod against his chest.
“We had a one-night stand and parted ways the next morning. I went back to New York and I didn’t think of her again. Nine months later I got a call from her saying she’d had my baby and I had to come get her. That if I didn’t take the baby she was putting her up for adoption. Even though the timing worked, I’d used a condom, so I didn’t think there was any way the baby was mine. But it niggled at me enough I had to find out if she was telling me the truth. So I flew to Norway with the idea of getting a DNA test and to talk to her about what our options might be if the baby was mine.”
The longer the story goes on, the more rigid Jackson becomes and I burrow deeper into him, hoping to provide some comfort. But I say nothing, letting him continue uninterrupted.
“When I got there, I learned the baby had been born with Cerebral Palsy, and that Anna refused to have anything to do with her. The whole thing was a nightmare, and I kept telling myself there was no way, that I was too careful to get some random woman pregnant. I mean, I was twenty-eight years old, I worked eighty hours a week, I traveled all over the world, I couldn’t have a baby, let alone a disabled one that would require daily care. I didn’t even know the woman, there was no way she’d trap me like this.” His voice is tight as he speaks and he shudders against me. “You have no idea the kinds of things I thought, Gwen. I can’t believe I thought those things. I hate myself for them.”
I put my hand on his heart. “Jackson, it’s understandable. You were blindsided and it was a lot to take in.” I try to imagine what he must have gone through, the panic he must have felt when his whole world was turned upside down. The desperate desire to cling to the impossibilities of it.
“I still recall every second, every thought I had as I walked down the hallway to the nursery. Things I never told anyone.”
“Tell me.” I tilt my head back and kiss his jaw. “I won’t judge you and you’ll feel better.”
His arms tighten around me. “That she wasn’t mine. That even if she was, I was going to let her mom give her away and forget this day ever happened. That I didn’t want to deal with her, even if she was healthy, but I sure as hell didn’t want anything to do with her considering she wasn’t. At that time I didn’t know what CP was, I only knew it was bad and I wasn’t equipped to handle it. I told myself someone would want her, even though they’d be signing up for years of medical expenses. I walked in the nursery, ready to walk away from her even if she was mine.”
“What happened to change your mind?”
I feel him smile against my temple. “She did, of course. I leaned over her little basket, and the second I saw her two things happened: I knew she was mine—she looks just like my mother—and I fell instantly in love with her. It was a relief, you know?”
“How so?” I keep my questions vague, allowing him the space to tell me whatever he wants to say.
“The walk, down that hallway, I came face-to-face with the realization that I was no different than my own father. That when I’m backed into a corner, his blood runs strong in me. The second I looked into Natalie’s face, I wanted her. I wouldn’t let her go. I’d always been afraid I was too much like him, but as far as my baby was concerned, he and I were nothing alike.”
“It’s a good thing to know.”
“It is. I still did the DNA test, just to be sure, but I’d already determined I was keeping her. I made Anna sign away all her parental rights to me, which she did gladly. She left the hospital, and as far as I know, only saw Natalie when she gave birth to her. I called Wyatt, Cat and Beau, and they flew out to be with me. All four of us sat down with the doctors and learned about the care Natalie would require. After the facts were clear, I knew what I had to do. I couldn’t take care of her, give her what she needed and work like I was. So I had no other choice. I called the restaurant and quit over the phone. I went back to New York only one time to close up my apartment and get my things. It took no time at all to leave my old life. I moved back home, and the four of us learned how to take care of Natalie together.”
“Thank you for telling me.” I twine my arm around his neck. “I know you didn’t want to.”
He rubs my back, tilting my face to meet my eyes, his gaze searching. “Do you understand, why I can never go back?”
“I do.” I understand all too well, and the last remnants of the dream I harbored that I can get Jackson to come to Chicago and work for me, dies.
“Sometimes she has a bad night and she needs me, there’s no way I could just leave in the middle of the dinner rush.”
“I know, Jackson. You’re right.”
“Nat needs all of us, and I need my family to help me with her. Even if I had a normal job, I couldn’t do it on my own.”
“I understand.”
He brushes his thumb over my lower lip. “I had to give it up for her.”
“Yes.”
“The only way for me to give it up was to slam the door shut and lock it.”
I touch his cheek. “I understand.”
“She should be enough, but I miss it. I feel bad for missing it.”
“You shouldn’t.” I smile at him. “I’d miss it too, no matter the gift I was getting in return.”
“Yes.” He kisses me, soft and sweet. “I don’t know what happens now. I’ve never been in this position, and I’m not prepared.”
I don’t have the answers any more than he does. We are in an impossible situation. We have no future, but we can’t let go. There is no winning here.
The only question is when to lose.
Right now, only one thing seems clear. I stroke a finger down his jaw. “Let’s go watch a movie with your daughter.”
