Shattered sunlight book.., p.50
Shattered Sunlight (Book Five of the Storm Below), page 50
“You know what I mean. Us. We never should have united our fires. It was a mistake. I was afraid of being in the Navy.”
“No,” Ary shook his head. “No. You don’t mean that. You can’t mean that.” He stared into her eyes, begging her to take them back. “Please, Lena.”
“I mean it. I should have accepted Vel’s proposal. I almost did, and then you walked in and . . . and I made the biggest mistake of my life. I would have been happy with Vel. I wouldn’t have been burdened with any of this. You’re cursed, Ary. Your ma was right. You’ve destroyed my life by loving me.”
“No,” he croaked, the tears burning in his eyes. She couldn’t say those words. She couldn’t mean them.
“Riasruo cursed you. She made you a beacon of suffering.”
The words his mother said ripped at his soul. He recoiled from them, lost. He stumbled back into the wall. The world blurred as his eyes burned. Emotion choked his throat. He struggled to breathe.
“You’re . . . you’re . . .” Her words trailed off, sounding broken. “Ary?”
“Not you, too,” he groaned, his knees buckling. He focused on her. “You can’t mean that. It’s the pain. The guilt. It’s not your fault. Zori did this. She stabbed you. You couldn’t have known. You trusted her. I know how it destroys you to survive. I wish I could have saved Srias, but I couldn’t reach her. It wasn’t me who killed her.
“It wasn’t you who killed our child.”
She had to believe him. His soul felt tattered. How much more pain could he take? In those rents, darkness boiled; that rage which terrified him begged to be unleashed. “You know that. Don’t hate yourself. Hate Zori!”
*
I have to say those words, Chaylene told herself as her husband stared at her. There was such pain in his eyes. He was holding on, fighting for a glimmer of love. He’ll be hurt by me one last time. I have to.
Ary deserved better than a barren, broken woman. He deserved a future full of happiness, the family he always wanted, the farm where he would finally find peace. He couldn’t have that with her. She had nothing to give him. She was only a murderer. The Vionese sailor, her child, the poor men escaping the burning warship. She only delivered pain.
She had one last person to deliver it to. Zori. She understood her mother. Living was hard. It was easier to let the wine take it all away, to float on it and just drift.
He would be happy. She wanted him to be happy.
She just had to speak the last words. He would never forgive after she pressed her attack, drove home that he was cursed. His mother had abused him over and over. As a girl, she’d wanted to shelter him from the pain.
As she struggled to say those destructive words, as she prepared to flay her own soul to drive her husband away, she remembered being that girl on the hilltop staring at the stars when Ary found her. She was fleeing her ma; he was fleeing his. She knew that night she loved him. That she would be his wife. Fears and desires had almost pulled her from him, and now . . .
Now guilt.
But she had to do it, right?
“Hate Zori,” Ary said, his red eyes swimming with pain. “She’s the one to blame. We had to keep pressing on. We had to hope that there was a future for all of us.”
Just say the words! Chaylene hissed at herself. She whipped her soul bloody. Do it!
“I believed my mother’s words,” Ary said. “For the longest time, I thought I was cursed. It was the guilt. It twisted me up.” He took a step towards her. His hand shook as it reached out to her. “I know what it’s doing. How it’s warping you. Chaylene, my Eyia, you did not kill our child.
“Zori did!”
He stood before her, so strong. She just had to say the words but . . . but . . . she could only drive him away by hurting him. To destroy herself, to fall into the guilt, she had to drag him with her. He didn’t deserve that. She couldn’t do that to him.
The emotion broke out of her mouth, garbled, a keening moan. She fell forward into his arms, clasping his neck with bony wrists. She clung to him as he held her. He rocked her as the guilt and self-hatred bubbled out of her.
He still loved her as she struggled to say the words. “Ary,” she croaked through her tight throat, tears burning hot down her cheeks. “I’m sorry.”
His arms tightened around her.
“I’m so sorry. I wanted to free you.”
“Free . . . me?” he groaned. “I don’t understand, Lena.”
“I only cause you pain.” She lifted her face to stare into his raw eyes. “I’m such a terrible person.”
“Lena,” he said, softer than he should. “You don’t bring me pain.”
“Yes, I do!” she sobbed. “To drive you away, I had to destroy you.”
“Fine, you do hurt me,” he growled. “You did hurt me, but you bring me so much more joy.”
She trembled.
“Theisseg’s tail feathers, Lena, just watching you sleeping beside me makes me smile. Brushing a strand of hair off your forehead or feeling you in my arms. Just knowing you’re next to me, helping me carry the weight. We walked beneath the Storm together. You kept me going so many times. Kept me strong.”
“You kept me strong,” she groaned, voice choked.
“And that doesn’t even count the time you walked into the prison and rescued me from Duthan. You brought me back into the light, Lena. The pain you’ve caused me is a single grain of sand compared to all the joy.”
“But,” Chaylene protested, her guilt swirling. “I said you’re cursed. You’re not cursed, Ary. Never! Riasruo Above, I hate myself so much for saying those words. I’m so sorry, Ary. I thought I had to. That you would be happier without me. I’m such an idiot. I just hate myself so much and . . . and . . . you make me feel like I am better than I am.”
“Riasruo Above, Lena, you are.” His right hand cupped her face, a thumb brushing away a tear. A shudder ran through her. “Don’t let Zori destroy you more than she has. Don’t let her inflict any more pain on us. Don’t let Theisseg escape the blame for what happened. Zori stabbed you on Theisseg’s order, so stop saying you killed our child!”
“But we—”
“Made her do it?”
Chaylene shook her head and tried to pull back, but he held her tight.
“Did you make Zori stab you?”
“But Esty’s prediction,” Chaylene whispered, the guilt bubbling through her. “I could have done it differently.”
“We were in the middle of nowhere with dwindling supplies. We might not have made it to any hold. We gambled on saving Riasruo and a miracle. But that doesn’t change the fact that Zori had a choice. She didn’t have to stab you and kill our child, did she?”
“No,” Chaylene said.
“So why do you blame yourself and not her?”
“I do blame her, it’s just . . . we were supposed to protect our child. We made the wrong choice.”
“I know,” Ary said, holding her tight. “I thought about her last night.”
“Her?”
“Sechene.” Ary smiled. “I wanted to name her after your pa.”
A smile crossed Chaylene’s lips. “I wanted to name him Dhejon.”
Ary blinked back tears. “My pa and ma would’ve liked that.”
“Sechene and Dhejon,” whispered Chaylene. They felt so real to her in that moment. She could almost hold them. Ary had to know everything. “I can’t have any children. They took my womb when the surgeon saved me.”
“You mentioned that. Why did they save you?”
“Zori felt guilty for what she did,” Chaylene explained. “But saving me isn’t enough. Not after what she did.” Rage swept through her, hot and righteous. “She killed our child. I’m going to kill her, Ary.”
“Good.”
“I don’t deserve your love,” Chaylene whispered, traces of the guilt still coating her insides.
“Why do you always say that? Love isn’t deserved. You don’t earn it. You just receive it. It’s a gift. I gave you my heart. You gave me yours. Neither of us deserves it. We’re just fortunate to have it. Blessed.”
“Blessed,” she echoed. She stared in his eyes, saw the truth. She didn’t have to grieve alone.
They held each other and wept for what could have been. She supported him, and he supported her. She didn’t want to break away. She wanted to stay this way forever, but they had to part. He had his mission, and she had Lrien Hold.
*
“You look like the metal worker who spent a week staring at the forge,” Yeiss said as Ary sat at the table in the mess hall. He had a bowl of krill porridge before him, stirring his metal spoon through the mush. He couldn’t eat any of it.
“Feel like it,” Ary said, feeling wrung out from the tears he’d shared with Chaylene. He’d saved her from the darkness. Grief still clung to her, and to himself, but it didn’t feel as oppressive. He wished she was here now, but she had to make plans for Lrien Hold.
The war didn’t wait on their feelings.
“So, we’re finally going for the Sun Lance,” Yeiss said.
Ary nodded.
“You don’t seem that enthusiastic.” Yeiss stroked his graying beard. The older man sighed. “Chaylene.”
“Chaylene,” Ary agreed.
“She lost the child.” Yeiss leaned back. “I thought she looked . . .”
“Not pregnant?” Ary swallowed. “It happened while I ended the Storm.”
Yeiss’s strong hand reached across the table and grasped Ary’s, giving a strong squeeze. He didn’t say a word. None were needed. Ary nodded his head, tears burning in his eyes as he felt the caring strength from the older man, the comfort.
“I would have named her Sechene,” Ary whispered.
Yeiss’s yellow eyes swam with tears. “I don’t know if my wife, my sons, my grandchildren live. There’s been no word from Metsak Hold.”
“What will you do?”
“Try to end this war. Hope they escaped into the mines or fled on foot.” Yeiss smiled. “Chaylene brought back a hundred and seven survivors. There’s hope that my family is alive.”
“I hope so.” Ary cleared his throat. He and Chaylene would never have children. “What do you think of my plan?”
“A hundred soldiers seems like enough if there are no defenses,” Yeiss said, not objecting to Ary changing topics. “But bringing horses isn’t a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“The Varele will be swelled carrying a hundred soldiers. No room for the horses.”
Ary shrugged. “They can ride along the ship.”
“Horses can’t ride as fast as a ship.”
“Sure they can. Agerzak pirates run down ships on horses.”
“A horse can’t keep up a gallop for long. They have to walk most of the time, and that’s really not much faster than a Human can cover.”
Ary sighed. “Pegasi can fly all day at the speed of a ship, so I assumed horses could. They look so much alike. Rusted iron. I was hoping for cavalry.”
“It’ll still work. They’ll just be infantry running across the sky as we sweep in on the ship.” Yeiss leaned back. “They won’t be happy, but they are terrified of you.”
Ary blinked.
“Your temper.” Yeiss laughed. “They all think you will beat them and their armor into cans of preserves.”
Ary chuckled with him.
Chapter Forty-Six
“With the increased torque this alloy of iron and nickel can produce, the ballista can throw its shot even farther,” Estan said, pointing at his calculations written out beneath his sketch stretched across the library table. His ears were still numb from the cold while Skydancing. “The blacksmiths of Lrien Hold and others are already producing them while craftsmen are fashioning the ballista shots.”
“But with metal casings instead of clay?” Esty noted. “Isn’t that heavier?”
“Yes, but we have greater power, so we still have a net gain of one hundred and fifty-seven ropes in range. I hope this will be a shock to the Dawn Empire when they come for Lrien Hold.”
Esty bit her lip. “You really think we can beat Her? Theisseg?”
“I’m not certain.” Estan swallowed. “It is up to Ary’s Sun Lance plan, on which I am not that confident.”
“That’s not what I mean. Theisseg destroyed a twelfth of the skylands because Ary freed Riasruo. I’m just afraid that . . .” Her eyes swam.
“Afraid of what?”
She shook her head. “For an intelligent man, Estan, you can be so thick. What if She drops more skylands? Look at the effect it’s had. Summer isn’t coming this year. What will that do for growing crops?”
Estan frowned. “I had not thought about that.”
“If She drops more skylands, it might add ash to the air to birth a new Storm. I was at Vesche.” Horror entered her eyes, raw pain that squeezed Estan’s heart. “We walked through darkness for days.”
“What do you mean? Should we surrender? Should we give up and let Her kill us?”
“Is it our right to choose to oppose Her and risk all those innocent lives? The people of Vesche and Les and the other skylands lost didn’t oppose Theisseg. They supported Her. I saw it in their eyes. They loved Amiria, and She killed them anyway.”
“She will wipe out the Wrackthar and the Agerzak. And then what? She’ll force us all to be Her slaves, to take away the liberty of the skies in some cruel game. I think the moral choice is obvious: to oppose Her evil.”
“And those that die?”
“Are on Her.” He stroked her pale cheek. “We all have moral agency. We all choose to act. She chose to destroy those skylands. No one else is responsible for Her actions. Just because we oppose Her does not mean we force Her to do evil. Just like we do not have to commit atrocities to defeat Her.”
“And yet you’re building weapons.” She touched his plans. “This will kill Her supporters. People who think She’s Riasruo, and that they’re doing the right thing.”
His stomach went cold. “I know.”
“And that’s the moral choice?”
Estan frowned, his throat tightening. “Sometimes circumstances do not give us easy choices. Sometimes we have to do things we hate, things we despise, to oppose a greater evil. It is a dangerous maze. One in which you can easily lose your way.”
“What if I’m lost?”
“Because you killed Breche and Grabin?”
The tear fell down her cheek as she nodded.
“I once read that horrible acts can be committed by people who see themselves as good because they do not question what they are doing. They have impeachable belief in their moral superiority, so they do not doubt. That is the trap. When you begin to see these acts as not only necessities but right, something that doesn’t have to burden your conscience, then you commit true evil.
“Then you can burn children and kill your friends.”
“Zori?”
Estan nodded. “You are not Zori. You are grieving the deaths you caused. You regret them. That shows you have not fallen into the trap. So long as you care, so long as you feel, then you are still good.”
Broken words spilled from her lips. “It would be easier if I didn’t care.”
“That is the attraction of belief. Of certainty. Questions are always troubling. It can be easier not to think but to just accept.”
She wiped at her tears. “Okay. Thank you.”
Estan took her hand, bringing it to his lips.
“Am I interrupting?”
Estan turned to see Ary striding to them, his back straight, his brown face set. His thumb ran over and over across the stump of his left hand, a nervous habit Estan had long noted.
“No, no,” Esty said. “We were just talking about his research. Have you seen it?”
“I haven’t seen much of your husband. I thought he lived in here. Are you taking up residence?”
“Maybe,” Esty said then giggled. “And what has brought you into this hall of edification?”
“Edifi . . .” Ary shook his head. “I’m leaving on the Varele tomorrow for Ianwoa. I could use both of your help in recovering the Sun Lance.”
“Of course,” Esty said, nodding her head. “Right, Estan?”
“Well, yes, Ary. Despite my misgivings, we are running short on options to kill Theisseg’s hypostasis. So we should embark on this journey with much haste and pour our spirits into its accomplishments.”
A smile crossed Ary’s lips for a moment. “You never can just say a simple thing.”
“Well, things are rarely simple. Everything has the weight of history, of culture, of expectation behind them so even the most mundane of salutations can often trace roots back into our ancient history.”
Ary blinked. “Anyways, we leave at dawn.”
“We’ll be there.” Esty patted Estan’s hand. “It will be so nice to travel by boat. I am not sure what was worse, riding on Starfire or walking. It was either my feet blistering or my backside.”
Ary chuckled. “Well, I will see you in the morning. It is good to see you, Esty. I’m glad you’re alive. I didn’t get a chance to say it last night.”
“No, we were busy.” Esty’s arch tone made Estan’s cheeks warm. She squeezed his hand. “We had a lot of missed nights to make up for.”
Estan gave a cough. “Well, we will definitely be there.”
Ary nodded and marched out.
Esty’s eyebrow arched. “He’s different.”
“He’s putting a great deal of pressure on himself. He thinks he’s the only one that can end this.”
“He did end the Storm.”
“Well, perhaps you are right. He does have a conduit of knowledge the rest of us lack. Even if it comes from a mad Goddess.” He pulled out the next piece of paper. “Now, I am quite proud of this. See the changes to the gears on the crank. With metal, we can build stronger gears that can withstand more torque, but . . .”
Esty nodded her head, beads clacking. Estan loved that sound as he explained his design to his wife, her shoulder pressed against his.
*
Hruvvoa 11th, 399 VF (1960 SR)
“You are coming back?” Gretla asked Ary as they stood in the courtyard of Castle Romeich. It was dark and cold. Summer was almost on them, Hruvvoa nearly half-over. Soon both moons would shine full, announcing the Summer Solstice.
