Forty four box set books.., p.137
Forty-Four Box Set, Books 1-10 (44), page 137
“It is a big deal. It’s wrong, Abby. You saved a man’s life. And you helped bring a murderer to justice. You brought the truth out. They’re idiots for not seeing that.”
I shrugged.
“It’s been my experience that people only see what they want to see,” I said.
More laughter came from the group and I glanced over and saw one of the men holding a glass up in his hand, pretending it was a crystal ball.
“I see the house on Lava Rocks Drive selling at full market value,” he said. “No, wait! I mean, I see a fire burning it to the ground! No, wait, that’s just the hash browns.”
Alberto suddenly appeared behind them and they quieted down.
“Not another word,” he said in a low voice. “Or from now on you can get your breakfast at Shari’s.”
I smiled. I was going to miss this place.
CHAPTER 62
Although I did my best not to read the comments at the end of the online news stories, I did keep up with the latest on Thomas Richardson. He had been charged with first degree murder and hired a top criminal defense attorney out of Portland, who told reporters that his client still couldn’t remember anything about that day on the trail.
There were stories, mostly speculation if not just gossip, about the motive. Some suggested that the friends and business partners had argued over whether to accept a lucrative offer and sell their company. Rumors also circulated that Richardson was having an affair with Peterson’s wife.
“Let it go, Abby,” Ty said one night while I was sitting in front of the laptop. “C’mon, come over here and watch monkeys take over the world with me.”
“You mean apes,” I said.
“What’s the difference?”
“I think monkeys have tails.”
“Thanks, Jane Goodall.”
I sat next to him on the sofa, leaning my head on his chest and taking in a long, sweet breath. He smelled of sun and sweat and rosemary and pine trees.
“Hey, speaking of thanks, thanks for working so hard on the yard today.”
“Don’t thank me. It’s one of my new jobs. It comes with the ring.”
I held up my left hand and we both admired the sparkling of the diamond for a moment.
“I got a good deal,” I said. “Jewels and hard labor.”
“I got a good deal, too.”
CHAPTER 63
Seeing him standing there hit me hard. I shivered in the sun and one of those full body chills ran right through me like a river flowing toward a waterfall.
As I watched Jesse walk in my direction, my heart pounded in my ears.
“Hey.”
“Hey, Jesse,” I said, his name tumbling over my lips in a breathy heave.
I paused, soaking in his smile before reaching up and hugging him, not letting go.
“C’mon now,” he said, laughing a little. “It hasn’t been that long. I’m sorry I haven’t been around, but I’ve been busy.”
I stared at him, trying to get a reading on that night. If it had been a dream, if it had been real, if we had really been together. He seemed happy and relaxed and I couldn’t tell a thing.
“You better keep moving or you’ll cramp up,” he said.
We walked around the track once without saying much. A few runners showed up, so I guided us to the path that led down the hill to the Culinary Institute. It would be quiet over there now and a good place to talk.
“So you must know that I helped save a murderer,” I said.
He looked over at me.
“I guess it doesn’t only apply to relief pitchers.”
“What?”
“That you’re only as good as your last save. Seems like they’re giving you a hard time.”
“It’s not so hard,” I said, smiling.
The wind picked up, groaning through the trees, sounding like ghosts. It was still summer, but not today. Bend was in that cool period of August, where we saw a glimpse of what was to come.
“You knew about him, didn’t you?” I said.
“You mean the guy killing his friend?”
I nodded.
“Yeah,” he said. “The dead one told me while you were waiting for the chopper.”
“You could have given me a heads up, you know. It would have saved everyone some time.”
“It wouldn’t have made any difference,” Jesse said. “You would have just gotten wrapped up in the wrong things, trying to prove his guilt, like with that tattoo man. You did your job here. You brought him out. The rest is not for you to say. You’re like a doctor in that way. When someone’s brought into the ER, it’s the doctor’s job to save them. Whoever or whatever they’ve done is irrelevant.”
We fell into silence again and I thought back to the mysterious stranger with the tattoo on his right hand who I had encountered last winter. His energy had been powerful and dark but I had been wrong about him. He hadn’t killed Charlie Modine’s wife. He wasn’t evil. David even thought he might have been some sort of angel, but I still wasn’t sure what he was.
“Look, Craigers, I’ve come by to apologize.”
My heart seized.
“Apologize? For what?”
I didn’t move, didn’t breathe, didn’t dare look away.
“For kissing you. I was out of line.”
Out of line? A voice screamed inside my head.
“What do you mean?” I said, steady and cool.
He grimaced and we started walking again. More voices, loud and unruly. Out of line for that long kiss in the woods or out of line for the kiss on the bed, before we melted together in a pile of smoldering ash?
“I just, I don’t know,” he said. “I couldn’t pretend anymore. And I couldn’t let you walk down the aisle without you knowing how I really feel. How much I…”
He paused.
“How much you what?”
“How much I wanted, needed to be with you.”
He gazed into my eyes.
“Jesse, look, I—”
“Don’t say anything, Craigers. I know it’s a problem. There’s not an easy answer here. He’s a decent guy. More than that. I can see that he loves you and that you love him. It’s who you should be with. My mind knows all that, it really does, but my heart…”
He sighed when I took his hand.
“The last thing I want to do is cause you any grief,” he whispered.
We walked down the hill, past the school building, through the trees. I didn’t let go of his hand, and didn’t let go of his heart, open, raw, and exposed.
“You know you’re going to have to come back up this hill,” he said, looking behind us.
“See. There you go again with that slow information of yours. You could have said something about ten minutes ago, when we were up at the top.”
He picked up a pinecone and threw it high in the air, catching it behind his back. And then did it again and again. I sighed, leaned against a tree, and watched him.
“I hate thinking about all that lost time in high school,” he said. “All those nights we could have been together. It haunts me.”
He looked over at me and tucked his bottom lip under his teeth like he did when he was a kid. The cone crashed to the ground. I turned away, not wanting him to see the tears. I wiped my nose on my shirt and started walking away. But he caught up and pulled me around.
He leaned over and we kissed again, his sweet and tender lips sinking into mine, tasting of ash and smoke and fire and a love too strong to ever die. I closed my eyes, breathing him in, losing myself in his arms.
But when I opened them again, I was alone.
I walked through the woods, back up to the track, thinking about Jesse.
And then about Ty.
Realizing that I was utterly and completely lost.
CHAPTER 64
On my break at Back Street, I made the call to Dr. Krowe and asked if I could stop by.
“Of course,” he said. “But I certainly hope that you’re not taking any of this ridiculous criticism seriously, Abby. You’re a hero for finding that man and bringing him out of the fire.”
“Oh, no, it’s not about all that,” I said. “It’s something else.”
“Oh, okay. Well, I’m finished with my last appointment at three. Can you make it over to the office then?”
“I’ll be there.”
I walked back inside and noticed that Lyle was again over at the shelf in the corner, rearranging his new hot chocolate display. At the beginning of the summer, Mike had agreed to let him sell it at the café and people went crazy for it. He had a few drinks up on the menu and had just recently started selling his mixes. Mike insisted that he make everything in the little kitchen in the back to comply with health department regulations, but he was letting Lyle keep all of the profits.
“Hey, Lyle,” I said. “That Diablo Caliente is definitely my new favorite.”
An old Joan Baez song was streaming through the speakers.
“Here, can you give this one to Kate?” he said, handing me a bag. “I’ve been meaning for her to try the Mayan Madness. I made it in her honor.”
I had no idea what that meant. I didn’t even think Lyle knew her that well.
“She’s coming back in a few days,” I said. “I’ll leave in on her pillow.”
He smiled.
“But I insist that it’s the last freebie. I want you and Paloma to start making the big bucks so you can open that hot chocolate bar you’ve been talking about.”
“Already happening,” he said, walking back over to the counter and fluffing his hair. “We’re starting up a food cart this winter. Or should I say a Cocoa Cart. I put a down payment on one and got the permit for a corner spot downtown. We’re toying with the idea of calling it ‘If It’s Lyle’s, You’ll Love It.’ You know, like the country singer?”
“Except instead of a large band, you have large hair,” I said.
“Oh, yeah. That’s right.”
“Well, that sounds awesome,” I said. “I’ll be sure to stop by all the time.”
Mo came in, we exchanged a few jabs about boyfriends, and the rest of the afternoon drifted by at a good clip.
I signed out, said goodbye, and headed over to Dr. Krowe’s office.
CHAPTER 65
A lot of time had passed since I was a scared seventeen-year-old sitting in his office. All that felt like a lifetime ago, with so many ghosts and killers and visions under the bridge. And yet here I was, back again, still talking about Jesse.
“Hi, Abby,” Dr. Krowe said as he opened the door.
I headed over to the two leather chairs facing each other by the large window. But as I moved to my usual place, he stopped me, insisting that we switch seats.
“We’re just chatting like old friends today, right?”
I smiled, although I wasn’t so sure.
We talked for a few minutes about the engagement party. I asked him if he was serious about the woman he had brought, and he said he was, but added that he doubted he would ever get married again.
“It’s not for everyone,” he said but then paused, his eyes suddenly growing big. “I mean, not that you shouldn’t get married. I’m speaking for myself you understand.”
“I understand,” I said. “My mom would have agreed with you on that for sure. But how does your girlfriend feel about it?”
He shrugged sheepishly.
“Check back with me in a few months.”
I sat back, looking at the herd of deer outside trudging through the trees.
“What’s on your mind?” he asked after the small talk ran its course.
“Do you think you can love two people in the same way at the same time?”
He crossed his legs and rested his chin in his hand.
“Are we talking about romantic love?”
I nodded.
“I think love has many forms, many manifestations,” he said. “There are cultures, both past and present, which embrace the idea of multiple partners for a variety of reasons. Some are under the radar of the law, but they still practice what they believe in secret.”
“No, I don’t mean in terms of religion or the law. I mean in terms of the heart.”
“I’m assuming you’re talking about Ty and…”
I nodded my head slowly, afraid to meet his eyes.
“And Jesse?”
“And Jesse,” I said.
He didn’t judge it, I could tell by the way he was looking at me when I finally looked up. It was comforting to have a friend like that, someone who knew me through and through. And who believed that I saw Jesse’s ghost.
“I slept with Jesse,” I blurted out.
It felt crazy to say the words out loud. It hurt my ears.
“What do you mean?” Dr. Krowe asked.
“In a dream a few nights ago, I slept with him for the first time ever. And it’s left me…” I took in a breath. “Confused.”
My eyes drifted around the office, staring at the picture of a sailboat up on the wall, and then on the globe in the corner.
“But you say it was in a dream?” he said. “Abby, people have all types of dreams and it doesn’t mean…”
“I guess I don’t know if it was just a dream. That’s what I’m afraid of.”
The words hung in the air like glue and I could feel tears pool up in my eyes. It was at the heart of what was bothering me. What I feared most. That our night together had been real and not a dream. That it was just like everything else I did with Jesse’s ghost. Play basketball, talk at the track, walk through the woods.
“It felt so real. It felt the same as when…”
I stopped, dropping the sentence and letting it die on the floor. I reached for a tissue, the box still there, always on the table between the chairs. I blew my nose and drew a long breath.
He nodded.
“Was this something you wanted to happen?” he said.
“In the dream or whatever I wanted it very much. But when I woke up, I felt terrible. Guilty. I love Ty. And I never want to hurt him. And it would, if I told him what happened, it would hurt him, Dr. Krowe. In the light of day, it just all feels so wrong. That’s why I need it to be a dream, because I wanted to be with Jesse. I didn’t stop it. So if it’s not a dream, then it means that I cheated on Ty.”
He pushed his glasses up on his face and sat back.
“Well, this is new territory for me,” he said. “Obviously, I’m in no position to comment on whether it was a dream or not. But perhaps it doesn’t matter.”
“What do you mean?”
He paused for a moment before continuing.
“Maybe it’s time to analyze your feelings about both Jesse and Ty. That seems to be at the root of it all, regardless of what happened or didn’t happen that night.”
I hadn’t really thought of it that way.
“Well,” I said without hesitating. “I love them both.”
“So it brings us back to your original question about loving two people in the same way at the same time,” he said.
I nodded.
“I think you’ve just answered that.”
“What do you mean?”
“We all have our own set of values that as a result of nature and nurture we develop over the course of our lifetime,” he said. “These values guide us. They reside deep inside and if you stray from them, they’ll let you know about it. That’s when emotions like guilt appear. So if you’re feeling conflicted about being with Jesse, and clearly you are, then that means that somewhere deep inside, you don’t believe that it’s right for you to love two people like that at the same time. It violates your mores.”
“Mores?”
“Your code of living. It doesn’t mean that it’s wrong, you understand, it just means that you think it’s wrong.”
I took in a long breath.
“So you’re saying I have to choose between them?” I said slowly.
“No, I think you’re saying that. And in the end, you have to trust yourself.”
“Okay,” I said.
“As hard as it might seem right now, maybe this dream is a good thing. It’s providing you with an arena in which to work out something that perhaps, until now, you’ve refused to face. You’ve thought that you could make it work, having both of them in your life, but the truth may be it isn’t really working at all.”
I sighed again and stared at my ring.
“I think you should welcome this dream, this event, because it has shed light on a deeper problem that’s been bothering you. And it’s given you a chance to finally decide who you want to be with.”
“No easy answers then,” I said.
“Exactly, Abby. But sometimes that’s the best road to be on. Because it’s the true road.”
“Okay,” I said, standing up. “Thanks.”
“Anytime you need to talk, my door is always open.”
I reached over and gave him a hug.
CHAPTER 66
I stopped at the farmer’s market by Drake Park and walked stand to stand, fighting the crowds, thinking about bailing and just going home.
It was packed full of summer people, each in their own world, shuffling around, standing in lines, carrying recyclable bags from Trader Joe’s or Natures, looking at the produce like placid zombies. A couple of scruffy, hairy men were sitting up against a brick wall by the stores, playing guitars and singing Bob Dylan. Kids were everywhere, on bikes and in strollers, laughing and crying. It was a complete zoo.
But I really wanted a bag of fresh peaches so that I could make a couple of cobblers. One for dessert and another for Bob Willis. And I wanted some corn for the grill tonight, and red and yellow peppers for the pizza tomorrow.
I endured, picking up a small jar of ginger pineapple jam as a reward. As I waited in line, my arms full of produce and wishing for the first time in my life that I had one of those bags, I replayed what Dr. Krowe had said. There were no answers or epiphanies, but at least I felt a little better. If nothing else, it was good to get it off my chest. Again.
I paid, walked back to the car, and drove home. When I got into the house, I opened all the windows so the cool air would blow out the stagnation. It was just after five and I was free for the night. I checked my messages. Kate called, saying things were going well. Ty had called too.
