This is not a drill, p.1
This Is Not a Drill, page 1
Title Page
Dedication
6:30 AM
7:50 AM
9:05 AM
11:35 AM
12:45 PM
1:45 PM
2:00 PM
3:05 PM
3:20 PM
3:35 PM
3:55 PM
3:57 PM
4:09 PM
4:24 PM
4:47 PM
5:13 PM
7:30 PM
8:30 PM
9:07 PM
9:43 PM
12:09 AM
3:43 AM
About the Author
Copyright
NATIONAL NEWS NOW: Multiple llamas escape transport van, cause small-town chaos!
LOCAL NEWS TODAY: See a llama on your commute this morning? You’re not the only one. Police ask vehicles to avoid downtown area.
TEENBUZZ: Five lip-plumping shades to make him finally notice your smile!
LILA O’LOWRY MIDDLE SCHOOL APP: It has been 213 days since you last checked the LOLMS app.
500+ UNREAD LOLMS NOTIFICATIONS
CHAR: Wakey, wakey! Feeling better this morning?
MAMABEAR: Text me when you’re up.
5+ UNREAD TEXTS
E & CHAR
Today 6:32 AM
Morning, early bird.
CHAR
She’s awake! hallelellluhuahgahah!
So cruel to start school when it’s basically still nighttime.
MorningNightTM is for sleeping.
CHAR
Morning is the best part of the day!
Nothing has gone wrong yet!
Think about it. Mornings are like the Mondays of the day!
Omg, Char. No.
Everyone hates Mondays
CHAR
I think people just say they hate Mondays because that’s what *everyone* says.
Also, today is Thursday.
I know today is Thursday!
How can u txt in full sentences when it’s this early?
Or on a flip phone for that matter.
How can u even txt in full WORDS this early on a flip phone?
omg 46%???
Whyyyy do I always forget to plug in my phone at night aaaarrrrrgghh
CHAR
You know I can’t see emojis.
This magical flip phone just says omg 46%??? [angry face]
But also this magical flip phone has a battery that lasts for dayzzzzz, so …
But also, also I bet flip texting feels like [hamster wheel emoji].
CHAR
There’s a hamster wheel emoji??
Haha. No. I just wrote it out to see what it feels like to write out emojis. I don’t like it.
CHAR
I feel like I’m on a hamster wheel all the time.
That is just how I do.
[shrugging Char emoji]
Omg, char, GET A PHONE WITH EMOJIS
CHAR
No way Moppa will let me.
Plus, I’m kind of proud of my fast hamster wheel texting.
A skill not many have.
AND it’s pretty awesome to have an unlimited, incredibly specific library of emojis.
Did you just call your BRAIN an unlimited library of emojis?? askjghakjsgh
I don’t think it counts as an emoji if you make it up and spell it out?
CHAR
[Char is scrolling through her unlimited library of emojis emoji]
[Char sticks her tongue out at Ava emoji]
Meanwhile im growing a beard waiting for ur txts.
CHAR
Where is E on this fine morning?
Eeeeee
Elenaaaaaaa
You know how her dad is about phones before school.
CHAR
I’d be that way, too, if I had to get E awake and moving before noon.
[sleeping emoji] [sloth emoji] [that one picture of E from last summer at the cabin]
[the one where she was still sound asleep at like 2 PM]
[with her mouth hanging open]
ajhgshjdfgldsg
CHAR
No offense, E!
We love your lazy booty, E!
Omg speaking of lazy booties, HOW have I been just laying here for 30 minutes???
URGENT: Make sure your day will be A-OK by checking the LOLMS APP before school!
CHAR
Lying.
WHAT. I’m not LYING!
CHAR
Yes you are. You’re lying in bed. You can only LAY in bed if someone places you there. Like an Ava-shaped sloth pillow.
OMG
I have to get up and get dressed
CHAR
OMG [eye roll emoji] did you just get a push from the app?
Probably? I get so many they’re basically invisible now.
Why? Was it URGENT?
CHAR
[Char laughing emoji]
Yeah. URGENT! Check the app for today’s lunch menu so you don’t starve and die.
adsjhsdg it did not say that
CHAR
You could verify my truthiness IF ONLY YOUR NOTIFICATIONS WEREN’T INVISIBLE!
(or you could, idk, check the app)
Or YOU could check the app.
Except you can’t on that flip phone, can you?
CHAR
No apps, and yet somehow I still get notifications texted to me.
[Char shrugging and crying emoji] It’s the worst of all worlds.
I bet you 265823509 million dollars the app just says FRUIT COCKTAIL
FRUIT COCKTAIL
FRUIT COCKTAIL
CHAR
That’s a lot of millions of dollars, so I will take that bet.
Hold please.
LOLMS GLOBAL ANNOUNCEMENTS
Today’s Lunch! Grilled cheese. Tomato soup. Green beans. Fruit cocktail.
Posted an hour ago. Comments turned off on this post
Today’s Lunch! Steak fingers. Baked potato. Peas and corn medley. Fruit cocktail.
Posted one day ago. Comments turned off on this post
Today’s Lunch! Fish fillet. Macaroni and cheese. Broccoli florets. Fruit cocktail.
Posted two days ago. Comments turned off on this post
Today’s Lunch! Pizza. Corn on the cob. Green beans. Fruit cocktail.
Posted three days ago. Comments turned off on this post
Today’s Lunch! Chicken patty. Roasted vegetables. Rice medley. Fruit cocktail.
Posted last week. Comments turned off on this post
Today’s Lunch! Beef enchiladas. Charro beans. Green salad. Fruit cocktail.
Posted last week. Comments turned off on this post
Today’s Lunch! Grilled cheese. Tomato soup. Green beans. Fruit cocktail.
Posted last week. Comments turned off on this post
[more]
(175) new messages
LOLMS COMMUNITY CORKBOARD
Chase M. Hello? Anyone here? How do I buy a t-shirt for PE?
Dwayne R. Smell my pits, Chase.
(2) new messages
AVA’S CLASSROOM ANNOUNCEMENTS
US History test tomorrow!
South American river map due tomorrow!
Algebra quiz on Monday!
(225) new messages
E & CHAR
Today 6:43 AM
I was 100% A+ correct! All very urgent fruit cocktail announcements.
CHAR
How dare you question the urgency of fruit cocktail?
How
Dare
You
dasjhfgkajsgfhjf I believe you owe me lots of millions of dollars now.
CHAR
You keep doing that, but what is it? [laughing skull emoji?]
CHAR GET A PHONE WITH EMOJIS AND YOU WILL UNDERSTAND
CHAR
MOPPA WON’T LET ME!
I AM STILL NOT DRESSED!!
CHAR
YOU BETTER HURRY!
See you out front in 10?
CHAR
[thumbs up emoji]
Oh, hey, can you bring that comic you borrowed from BabyD?
Which comic? I borrowed a jillion. Ms. Marvel? Runaways? The one with the lions?
CHAR
Idk. All he said was to ask if you were done because he wants to let Chase borrow it.
I finished Ms. Marvel last night. I’ll bring that one.
CHAR
A) I still think it’s weird that you borrow comics from my little brother.
B) He better get ready fast if he’s walking with us.
B 1/2) I’ll tell him about Ms. Marvel.
C) See you in 8.
Ok
MAMABEAR
Today 6:51 AM
MAMABEAR
Good morning, kiddo! Love you! See you after school!
Sorry I missed you this morning.
Wait. You were here? When???
MAMABEAR
Had to run by the house super quick. I didn’t want it to be A Thing, so Dad put the stuff I needed in the garage.
It’s still your house, too, you know.
MAMABEAR
I know. Your dad does, too! I’m just trying to make things easier.
Ava?
Kiddo?
It’s all going to be ok. I promise.
Better, even!
I’ll pick you up at the Gas N Sip after school.
We can grab some ice cream and talk it out.
Love you.
NATIONAL NEWS NOW: Two escaped llamas hold small-town drivers hostage. THIS IS A DEVEL OPING STORY.
LOCAL NEWS TODAY: Llama drama continues as Main Street remains closed to vehicles.
TEENBUZZ: Experts weigh in on top communication strategies for teens. HINT: He can’t read your mind, ladies!
500+ UNREAD LOLMS NOTIFICATIONS
E & CHAR
Today 7:51 AM
OMGGG 41%
E, do you have a charger I can borrow at lunch?
Grrrrrrl, where are you? Late bell just rang.
E
Go tell Ms. Abernathy not to mark me absent! I’m on my way!
For once it’s not my fault that I’m running late.
There were LLAMAS in the street.
Like, WHAT! ACTUAL LLAMAS, happy as can be running in and out of traffic.
I thought I was still dreaming or something.
OMG haha
CHAR
OMGGGG were they cute? Of course they were! [llama heart eye emoji]
Can’t tell Abernathy anything, btw. I’m already in my seat across the hall. Like a good student.
E
I’m a good student, too! A good student who is literally running late.
CHAR
Ooh. Extra points for using literally in the correct sense.
E
Told you I’m a good student!
Run, girl. Abernathy’s going to lock you out.
E
Just tell her I’ll be there in a sneeze! Please! I’ll let you borrow my charger at lunch.
I just told you. I can’t tell her anything!
I am literally in my own desk across the hall.
(I’m a good student too, Char!)
CHAR
Yes, yes, everyone’s a good student.
Pleeeeeease, E, can I borrow your charger anyway?
Also … a sneeze? You sound just like my dad.
E
I know! That’s what he said when I was looking for you after school.
I was like, a sneeze? What?
Dads. Why?
E
He’ll probably stop acting so weird once things settle down.
What things?
E
With the separation and divorce and all that.
My dad was super weird back in the day. But then it all went back to normal.
Well, a new normal. But you know what I mean. It stopped being so weird.
Ok. Almost there! Like flying down the hall so fast my phone wants to dictate my slapping footsteps.
Side note: I’ve run past like 50 new “check the app” posters. When did those go up?
Newsflash! No one ever needs to check the app!
The relentless fruit cocktail schedule is seared into our brains!
Plus, the app stucks in general.
No, stucks
Stucks
Gah! sucks
But not as much as my phone dictation apparently
CHAR
[eyerolling and laughing emoji]
Wait. How did you know?
E
Know what? About how much the app stucks?
GAH.
There is literally an URGENT fruit cocktail announcement every day, and then, like, two dorks fighting about sweatshirts or basketball practice or who cares.
Omg why is Abernathy such a tyrant? I have to lock up my phone AND I have her two periods in a row! Waaaaah.
No, no, not about the stupid app.
We all know how useless it is.
I’m talking about my parents and the separation.
Mom and Dad said no one knew.
They said they were planning to have coffee with your mom and dad later this week to talk about it, but they wanted to tell me first.
So … who told YOU?
E
What do you mean? YOU told me!
Can we talk about this at lunch? I really have to go.
But! Super quick! Inside or outside? For lunch?
I did NOT tell you! The only person I told was Char.
OMG. CHAAAAAR!
CHAR
Uh. Oops?
CHAR!!!!! I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU NOT TO SAY ANYTHING!!!
