Hooked on you, p.9
Hooked On You, page 9
“I’ve liked everything you’ve cooked for me, actually, and those are not words I’d say to a lot of people.” Connor sounded amused. “You were right about James, though—he’s probably on par with your pops as far as being picky. Ally’s got all kinds of recipes with undercover vegetables in them and every one tastes so good my brother never has a clue. She always tells him what he ate afterward so he gets a chance to pretend to be outraged.”
Judah laughed. “Ally sounds fun. And a lot like she and my Mom would get along like a house on fire.”
They carried bowls of pasta to the table along with a plate of the cornbread, chatting lightly about Connor’s brother and sister-in-law.
“Amazing that they met in high school,” Judah said. “My parents did too. Mom always says she knew they’d be married, even after my dad went to live in Israel for a year.”
Connor cocked his head. “What was he doing there?”
“Volunteering but also just living.” He shrugged. “My grandparents wanted Dad to understand how to live independently outside of the family bubble before he went to college and Dad thought it would be better for my mom to keep her options open. A year is a long time to be separated, especially at seventeen. They got back together two days after Dad flew home to Boston and never looked back.” Judah laughed. “Which he should have known was always going to happen given my mother is the most determined person on the planet.”
“Ally, too. Says she knew she was destined to be a Devlin and was going to find a way to make it happen. Mind you, we’ve been tight since third grade, so I know what I’m talking about. She was even after me for a bit, too, before she set her sights on James.”
It took a second for the words to make sense in Judah’s head. “Wait, what? Your brother was Ally’s second choice to you?”
“Uh-huh.” Connor’s expression was tickled. “Though it all sounds way dramatic when you say it like that.”
“So, no Lifetime-style movie about star-crossed lovers in a tragic love triangle?”
Connor tipped his head back and really laughed. “God, no! Ally kind of hinted around that she thought we’d be good together but we both knew it was just talk, especially since James was the one she got moony over.”
“And that didn’t hurt your feelings?”
“Not a bit. I was sort of confused about why anyone would want to date a nerd like my brother but, hey, we were just kids.” Connor forked up some more macaroni. “This really is good, you know.”
“Agreed. You should know by now that I’d never steer you wrong.”
“You’re right, I should. I won’t doubt you again.”
“‘Atta boy. So how come you’re not the Devlin that Ally got moony over?” Judah asked with a smirk. “Is James somehow even better looking than you?”
“Oh.” Connor smiled too, though his gaze quickly shifted to his plate. “He totally is, yeah. He’s not as big and rough as me and he’s in better shape. Definitely got all the good-looking genes in the family, plus he’s a lot more together.”
What the fuck? Was this guy for real? Judah knew Connor well enough by now to know he wasn’t fishing for compliments which made this inability to see himself clearly sobering. Judah set a hand on his forearm.
“Hey, I was kidding. You’re being way too hard on yourself.”
Connor immediately shook his head. “You wouldn’t say that if you met him. And I knew my brother was sweet on Ally by the time we all hit high school. It didn’t take a genius to figure out he stuck around the house more when Ally was over than not, but he didn’t do anything about it for a long time. Heck, James was already at the Fire Academy when he made up his mind to take her out and he must have asked me a dozen times if I’d mind. It was like he didn’t believe me when I said no, but it was the truth.
“Don’t get me wrong— there was no big, romantic story between us, but I do love Ally a lot. We all did, Gram included. She and I were friends and we got each other through a lot of stuff.” A frown settled over his features as he looked up and caught Judah’s eye. “I like to think I’d have told her that I feel this way. About men, I mean. And you.”
Judah’s stupid heart fluttered in his chest. “Could you tell her now?”
“I don’t see how.”
“Because of your brother?”
“James wouldn’t understand.” Connor’s gaze shifted, going far away, almost as if he was looking inward. He was wholly unaware of the way his words made Judah ache.
“Maybe you’re wrong about that.”
“I don’t think I am. I hardly understand it myself, Judah, and it’s happening to me.” Connor gave Judah a wry smile. “James and I have always been different and he’s more like you in a lot of ways. Confident. Always knows what to say and what to do.”
Judah couldn’t hide his frown. “I do not always know what to say or do, Connor and while I’ve never met your brother, I don’t think it’s a stretch to say he doesn’t either.”
Connor huffed a laugh. “I think you’re the one selling yourself short now. And James may only be three years older than me, but he’s had my back forever. Gram always said he helped raise me from the minute I was born.”
“You love him.” The food in Judah’s belly was like a lead weight when Connor nodded. “And I’m guessing you don’t want to disappoint him.”
“No, I really don’t. And that’s just another reason I can’t tell Ally about … the way my feelings have changed. It wouldn’t be right putting her in that position, knowing something about me that I hadn’t told James.”
Judah hardly knew how to respond. This didn’t bode well at all for … well, anything he might hope to have with Connor that went beyond friendship. And if James was even close to the conservative fuckface Judah could all too easily imagine him to be, he’d view Judah as a negative in Connor’s life, whether they were just friends or something more. No, this wasn’t good at all.
“Are you really sure you can’t tell him?” he finally asked.
“I wouldn’t even know where to start.” Connor heaved a big breath, one hand coming up to rub the back of his neck in a gesture Judah now easily recognized as a sign he was feeling stressed. “I didn’t tell James I stopped taking my meds because I didn’t want him to worry, so how the hell would I tell him I’m attracted to men and expect him to understand? My brother is not one of those guys you were talking about earlier, Judah. He does not look at dudes the way he does women.”
“Straight guys rarely do.”
Connor’s mouth opened and closed and, for a second, he looked sick. “I guess you’re right. But I’ve always thought I was straight, and I’m not even sure which way is up at the moment.”
Well, shit. Judah had tried to be gentle but, really, there wasn’t any way to talk around the topic of Connor’s sexuality and the sooner he understood that the better off he’d be.
Still, Judah felt bad.
Reaching over, he took hold of Connor’s hand. “I’m sorry. I’m not trying to make you feel bad. I want to be honest with you, though, because I think you need that right now.”
“I probably do. My head is all over the place.” Connor swallowed. “It’s like trying to fit the pieces of a puzzle together but every time I reach for a new tile, I notice that the whole picture has changed. Does that make any sense?”
“Yes.” Running his thumb over Connor’s knuckles, Judah waded in a little further. “And also no. I figured out I was gay when I was a teenager, and there was never any uncertainty there, so I honestly don’t know what you’re feeling.”
Connor gave him a small, uneasy smile. “Never any question in your head, huh?”
“Nope.” Judah shrugged. “The prettiest girl in the city could walk into my shop and all I’d think about was how much yarn I could sell her. But when someone like you walks in …”
Connor laughed. “Hey, you sold me yarn too. And you gave me a bag of free stuff!”
“Of course, I did.” Judah laughed along with him. “You told me you wanted to buy some, Connor, so I was just doing my job. Doesn’t mean I didn’t find you any less attractive.”
“Yeah?”
“Duh.” He patted Connor’s hand, then pushed back his chair. “Didn’t I cover that earlier when I said I’d been thinking about kissing you for weeks?” he asked as he stacked their empty plates. “You’re everything physical I like in a man, Connor, and yes, I like looking at you.”
“I really didn’t know.” Connor wasn’t laughing when he joined Judah at the sink. “And I feel like I should have since we’ve been hanging out a lot.”
“Why? It’s not like I wanted you to pick up on the way I was feeling. It sucks when someone you’re not interested in is all up in your grill and I wasn’t going to be that guy. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t tortuous at times.”
“Really?”
Judah rolled his eyes but smiled to show he was teasing. “You need to look at yourself in the mirror more, man. But as I got to know you, I realized how much I enjoyed spending time together and soon it didn’t matter that I couldn’t mack on you because I already had you as a friend.”
He turned on the faucet. “All this is just my way of saying I’ve got your back, too. Yes, I like you as a guy and, hell yeah, I like kissing you, but I’m also okay with going back to being friends if that’s what you want.”
Lips set in a straight line, Connor silently helped Judah rinse plates and stack them in the dishwasher. They were nearly finished when he did speak, and his voice was very quiet.
“I appreciate it, Judah. I honestly do. I’m just not sure I can go back to the way things were.”
Oh, no.
Judah’s heart fell right through the floor. “Really? Are you sure?” He licked his lips. “I meant what I said about it being okay if you don’t want to be with me. I won’t be hurt. I get that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and—”
“That’s not it,” Connor cut in over Judah’s rambling, “but of course, you’d say that. It probably pained you to do it, too.” He shook his head. “The thing is, I think I do want to be with you, Judah. I just have no idea what that even means.”
His lips were on Judah’s then, sweet and hot, wet hands at Judah’s waist. This kiss was different, urgent in a way Judah hadn’t felt from Connor before, and it made his head spin even as he fought to rein in his own reactions. He framed Connor’s face with his hands and held on gently when Connor pulled back again, hoping his touch was steadying. But his own heart pounded at the confusion flickering in Connor’s eyes, as well as the longing he saw there.
Despite the cozy kitchen, goosebumps rose on Judah’s arms. God, this big man was simply intoxicating. His sharp mind and his strength, all wrapped around the tender heart he tried to hide from most of the world but willingly shared with Judah. And damn but Judah wanted to lose himself in the big eyes watching him so closely, especially after so many weeks of wanting Connor.
Judah couldn’t do it though. Wouldn’t. Not when Connor was still struggling to understand what had happened and Judah doubted either of them could trust his frame of mind just then.
“It’s okay to not know yet, Connor,” he said. “Because you will figure it out, and I’ll help you as much as you need.”
Connor closed his eyes and sighed. “Thank you.” He pushed into Judah’s arms for a hug. “I mean that.”
Judah rubbed his back, affection brimming inside him. “I know you do. I’m glad I could be here for you.” He hugged a little harder when Connor let out a shaky laugh. “You okay?”
“Getting there.” Connor tipped his head back enough to meet Judah’s eyes. “I guess I’m wondering what comes next.”
“My advice? Do what feels right. You don’t have to decide anything until you’re ready and this is about you and no one else.”
“What about you?”
“I’m happy to follow your lead. I might sneak in some more hugs and kisses here and there, if you let me though,” Judah added with a laugh. “At least until we can dig ourselves out of here and you finally make your escape.”
Connor’s cheeks turned dusky. “You don’t have to sneak. It’s not like I stopped wanting to touch you either.”
“I’m glad to hear it.” Judah slid his arms from around Connor’s neck and rested his palms on either side of Connor’s sternum. “I just didn’t want to push in case you’d gotten it out of your system.”
“Oh, Judah.” Connor covered Judah’s hands with his own. “I think it’s going to be a while before I feel anything like you’re out of my system.”
That’s what a guy likes to hear.
Delight swooped through Judah as Connor leaned down and kissed him again, the touch lighter this time, as if he were exploring. Moving carefully, Judah drew him in, heat building inside him as Connor seemed to melt into the embrace. He teased his tongue between Connor’s lips, humming low when Connor didn’t hesitate to open for him, and skated the fingers of one hand down Connor’s torso, sliding them up under the hem of the flannel bathrobe so he could get at Connor’s heated skin. Connor grunted as he kissed Judah deeper and Judah’s pulse picked up at the sound, his half-hard cock stiffening further. He had to swallow back a growl as he forced himself to pull away.
“Is this okay?” he asked, then bit his lip at Connor’s quick nod.
“So okay.” Connor whispered, heat in his gaze. His voice was a mere thread, surprise clear in his tone. “Kissing you, touching you … God, you feel amazing. I want more.”
“Shit.” Judah couldn’t help his groan. “I want that, too. I could make you feel so good.”
Connor’s eyes shone. “You do, Judah. Every time you touch me.”
Nine
Judah rose up on tiptoe when Connor kissed him again, so their heights were more evenly matched, and damn, Connor liked that so much. This man made him feel things he’d never known before. Like he could fly. Like he was really awake—no, alive—for the first time in his whole life, and if that didn’t exactly make sense right now, Connor really didn’t care.
Groaning deep in his chest, he pulled Judah in, dizzy with the need to get closer, his dick hard again and aching. He didn’t really think about what he was doing when he grabbed Judah up, hauling him against his own body, Judah’s sharp inhale ringing in his ears.
“Jesus, baby.”
Connor’s knees trembled at the breathless endearment. He quickly set Judah down on the sink’s edge, biting his lip at Judah’s chuckle. “Sorry,” he muttered, but smiled as Judah simply wrapped his arms around Connor’s neck and snuggled a little closer. “Got a bit carried away there.”
“I didn’t mind,” Judah said. “Never had a guy literally sweep me off my feet before but that was pretty hot.”
Connor smothered a laugh against Judah’s shoulder. “Is that your way of saying you like being manhandled?”
“Maybe my way of saying I like being manhandled by you.” Judah was smiling when Connor pulled back and he looked almost blissful as he slid his fingers into the short hair at the nape of Connor’s neck. “And mmm, I like this. Touching you feels even better than I imagined.”
Heat flushed through Connor’s core. “You thought about this? Us, together?”
“Oh, yes. Probably more than was wise.” Leaning forward, Judah pressed his lips into the hollow of Connor’s throat, the touch like sweet fire against Connor’s skin. “I dreamed about you a couple of times,” he said, voice lower. “And I was so hard when I woke up, it’d take me a few minutes to understand you weren’t really there in bed with me.”
Connor’s breath hitched. Never in his life had he felt so much arousal from words alone. He stepped back as Judah slid down from his perch on the sink. “What did you want when you woke up?”
“You.”
Fingers around Connor’s, Judah led him out of the kitchen, saying nothing as they walked through the apartment. But once they’d reached Judah’s bedroom, Judah moved to the bed and sat, gently pulling Connor down beside him, his expression earnest despite the fire in his eyes.
“I wanted you, Connor,” he said, “here, with me.”
Connor let out a shaky breath. “Oh, God. I think I want that too. It’s just …” he pressed his lips together for a beat. He felt so out of his depth here, regardless of how many times Judah assured him that Connor was the one calling the shots. “I’m not sure how this works, Judah. I don’t have the first clue about how to be with a man and make it right.”
A beautiful smile crossed Judah’s face. “Stop thinking about right and wrong, and you’re going to be fine.” The light in his face dimmed then, and he appeared almost somber as he folded his hands around Connor’s. “I’ll take whatever you want to give me, Connor. Because it doesn’t matter which way I fly as long as I get to do it with you.”
Nervousness fading, Connor met Judah’s kiss without hesitation, aware once again of how easily this man made him feel good.
His skin tingled as Judah reached for the belt on the bathrobe and Connor leaned into the touch, sighing when Judah pushed the flannel aside and ran his hands over Connor’s bare chest. Connor didn’t hold himself back from touching Judah too, though he didn’t feel brave enough yet to do more than slide his hands under the hem of Judah’s sweatshirt. Awareness grew inside him as his fingers met silky skin. He wanted this. To touch Judah and see more of his body than the snatches he’d glimpsed under Judah’s shirt collars. And Connor knew then that he had been thinking about a moment like this for weeks and he’d never even realized it.
A light shiver raced over him, like the thrill of awareness he always felt in the seconds after an alarm echoed through the station house. Throat tight, he watched Judah lift his legs onto the bed, then scoot over to one side of the mattress before he held a hand out to Connor. Taking it, Connor swung his legs up onto the mattress, too, his heart pounding so hard he could hardly breathe.
