Like dragonflies, p.17
Like Dragonflies, page 17
I round the corner and begin the walk along the private road leading to my house. I’m relieved when I don’t see Mom or Dad’s car out front. I have time to get inside and sort out my thoughts.
I use my key and walk inside. The alarm has been set so I disarm it before the damn thing lets everyone in Ashton Hills know I’m creeping into the house. After the door is shut behind me, I hurry up to my room and lock the door behind myself. Yup, I definitely feel like an inmate with all the doors and locks.
I hate it.
I pull off my hoodie and toss it to the bed. When I glance at where my easel is in the corner, my paintbrushes call to me. It’s a call I can’t ignore.
My fingers tingle at the thought of painting. Mars has inspired me in ways I didn’t know were possible. I sit on my stool and begin throwing colors on my palette. Deep blacks and angry reds. I don’t even want to sketch out the image in my mind because it’s too vivid and it begs to be let out immediately.
This isn’t a flowery experience.
It’s violent and intense.
I paint a chaotic world. It’s a sphere of unhappiness, anger, and confusion. It’s a place that turns my stomach to think about. It’s full of red, black, and orange.
I lose myself in the creation of my world.
In the background, I hear a faint sound but the sound doesn’t grow clear until it turns into relentless pounding. I blink my eyes and realize someone is knocking on my door. Then I hear her voice. It makes me cringe instantaneously.
“Sage Emerson! Open this door right now!” It’s a shrill and frantic voice that has me rolling my eyes, as I swish my paintbrush around in a glass of murky black water. I’m not looking forward to opening the door, so I take my time remembering where I left off on my painting and where I want to go once I can get back to it.
When I’ve committed my direction to memory, I sulk over to the door and pull it open but only enough to poke my head through. Mom’s eyes explode with anger when she realizes I’m not budging.
“Let me in,” she demands. There’s a vein bulging from her neck I don’t think I’ve ever seen before.
I don’t want to let her in because whenever I’m around her I feel so drained. I feel small, and still, I have the insane urge to shrink myself even more.
“I’m kind of tired, Mom. Can we talk later tonight?” I feign exhaustion but really Mars has given more energy than I know what to do with. I just don’t want to expend any on my mother.
“Absolutely not. Are you hiding something in there?” She folds her arms tight across her chest—and I realize she won’t move unless I let her in—so I take a giant step back and gesture to the inside of my room.
“I’m not hiding anything,” I tell her honestly. “I was just painting. I wanted some alone time.” I stiffen my spine so I have perfect posture in her presence. I hate she has mind control over me.
Mom walks over, erasing most of the distance between us. I can smell expensive perfume on her skin and the product in her hair. She must have just come from the salon.
Her eyes probe and inspect me, landing on my neck. My throat heats beneath her judgmental gaze and I feel the need to shrink myself again. I want so badly to draw my shoulders up to my ears and cross my arms over my midsection.
Something is keeping me standing strong though. Something pushes me to look into her eyes instead of at the paint-speckled carpet beneath my feet.
It’s Mars.
It’s the small seed of bravery he always gives me. Only now, it’s sprouting roots. Now, it’s stretching and growing branches helping to anchor me when I would normally cower.
I am done fucking cowering.
“Sage, what is that on your neck?” Mom points at the bruises Mars left on me last night and my throat grows tight. My tongue is a useless wad in my dry mouth.
Still, I don’t back down.
When I don’t answer the question, her voice goes up an octave and her eyes narrow. “What. Is. That?”
“Nothing, Mom,” I mutter. I shift my gaze to my partially finished canvas and realize the chaotic world I’ve painted is swirling all around me in real life, trying to suck me in. I’m tired of being sucked into bullshit though.
This time, no matter what, I’m going to hover above it.
It’s time to be like a dragonfly.
“Nothing? You think I’m stupid? You think I don’t know where those hickeys came from?” The disgust in her voice slices through me and I want to double over. I’m not ashamed of how the bruises got on my neck though. Every time I think about them, I get tingly all over.
I hate she’s disgusted by something that makes me feel whole. I hate she doesn’t get how monumental it is for me to finally be happy. How has she missed the loneliness that clings to me like a second skin? How has she overlooked the way my paintings cry out?
A burst of heat climbs up my neck and covers my face. Mom doesn’t know me and she never has. She doesn’t care who I am. She just wants to project her life on to me.
“Sage, you haven’t been seeing your brother, have you?” The word brother is barbed and it pierces the armor I’ve cloaked myself in. Tears prick my eyes and I want to scream. I want to shout at Mom that she doesn’t know anything, and she damn sure doesn’t know how I feel about Mars.
“I told you, I was out with a friend last night.” I try to hold the lie up by making my voice strong, but it wobbles a bit and Mom goes in for the kill.
“You’re lying through your teeth and I’m disgusted. I told you Mars is your brother and you still insist on seeing him. What kind of child have I raised?” Her hand flies to her heart as if I’ve ripped it from her chest just by existing…just by loving.
My heart slams against my chest with each beat. My mouth fills with words. They’re like hot coals burning my tongue and the roof of my mouth. If I don’t spit them out, I’ll turn to ash at my mother’s feet.
“You’ve raised a child who doesn’t care what anyone else thinks anymore.” I let the tears fall now. I can’t hold them back because they’ve gained too much momentum. “So what if I’m still seeing Mars? Why does it matter? Nobody else knows who he is.”
Mom gawks at me, horror etched on her face. “It’s illegal! You can’t be this dense. You can’t be with your brother. God, that must be Nathan’s trailer trash blood running through you to make you even consider such a thing.” She rolls her eyes and takes a step closer to me. We’re practically bumping chests at this point.
It’s too stifling.
I take a huge step backward and wipe my tears with the heel of my hand.
“That man is not my father,” I tell her with a tremble in my voice. “Dad is the only man I’ll ever acknowledge as my father.”
“You’re lost and confused, Sage. You have no idea what you’re talking about and you’re letting that boy—your brother—get inside of your head!”
“So what?” I let out a pained laugh and tip my head back. “So what if he’s in my head? You know what was in my head before Mars? A stone wall, Mom. It crushed me every time you came close. Now, I finally have a slice of happiness with Mars, and I’ll be damned if you or anyone else is going to stop me from holding on to him.” My head is clear after the words stop flowing.
The stone wall is there but it’s covered in brilliant colors. This time, instead of bracing for impact—I marvel at the fact I feel at peace—even when everything is closing in on me. I feel at peace because even though I’m used to living in the cold spaces of my mother’s shadow, I refuse to live there anymore.
I refuse to bite my tongue.
I refuse to hide.
Mom’s face is red. It’s the kind of red that makes me wonder if she’s going to pop a blood vessel or something. She aims her index finger at me and says, “You won’t see him again. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure of it. I will not have my daughter screwing her own brother. Once you’ve gotten this sickness out of your system, we’ll bury this secret forever. Do you understand me, Sage?” Her face trembles with every word.
“No. I don’t understand you at all,” I tell her with a shrug.
“That’s fine. You’ll get the point soon enough.” Mom turns on her heel and leaves my room. Even though I’ve managed to stand up for myself, I still don’t feel victorious.
If anything, I feel like I’ve just waged a war.
A line has been drawn in the sand and I’ve picked my side, gladly.
I hear the front door slam shut downstairs then I hear Mom’s car peel away from the house. I don’t know where she’s going, and for the moment, I don’t care. I fall to my bed and find my phone.
I have to call Mars.
He answers on the first ring. Hearing his voice is like filling my lungs with fresh air.
“Sage.” My name tumbles from his lips and it’s full of relief. “What happened with your mom?”
“I tried to keep up the lie about me staying with a friend last night after I bolted from the party, but she didn’t buy it once she saw the hickeys. She knew I’d been with you. At that point, I couldn’t deny it and I didn’t want to.”
“Fuck. I’m sorry. I have to stop getting so carried away with you, but it’s hard.”
I shake my head against the phone and smile. The thought of his kisses makes my stomach flutter. “Don’t be sorry. I like when you get carried away with me.”
“There’s nothing I want more than for us to be together, but we have to be smart. Your mom and my dad…” I hear the hesitation in his voice. We both know he’s my dad too but I’ll never claim him. I don’t care what our DNA says.
“They’ll try to keep us apart,” I say.
“Yeah. We have to lay low. I don’t want anything taking me away from you. It would tear me apart, Sage.” His words send up red flags in my mind, and I remember the determined way Mom left the house after our big blowup.
“Mars.” I blink and focus on the chaotic world I was in the middle of painting before my mother knocked on the bedroom door.
“Yeah?”
“Before my mom left a few minutes ago, she said she’d do whatever she could to stop me from seeing you again.” My throat is thick and it’s hard to get my words out. “Just…be careful,” I say to him.
“I will. I promise.”
Downstairs I hear the front door open then close. My body stiffens. “I’ll call you back. I love you.”
“I love you too.” His words touch my heart. I wish I had wings right now, so we could fly away together.
I creep out of my room, careful not to step on any parts of the floor that creak. I don’t want to face Mom again but I will if I have to.
Heavy footsteps jog up the stairs and soon I see Dad’s mahogany hair come into view. He pauses on the step when he sees me. His lips curve into a sympathetic smile.
My entire body deflates with relief and the moment he’s at the top of the steps, I launch into his arms.
“Hey, kiddo. What’s the hug for? I didn’t think I was your favorite person in the world.” I press my ear to his chest so I can hear the way his deep voice bounces around.
“You’re always my favorite person.” You and Mars.
“I can’t tell from the way you’ve been avoiding me, Sage.” We walk into my room and Dad looks at my easel. “Wow, that’s an angry world,” he mutters. That one statement fills me up inside. My heart is happy.
Mars isn’t the only person in the world who gets me. Dad gets me too. He always has. I have to talk to him about Mars.
“Dad, I need to ask you something,” I say. His chocolate eyes find mine and he takes a seat at the bottom of my bed and I sit beside him.
“Okay, shoot.”
“Has Mom mentioned Mars to you?” I test the waters to see what she’s been telling him.
“Yes, she’s mentioned she doesn’t want you to see him, and he’s bad news stemming from her past. That’s it.” I trust him because I’ve never caught Dad in a lie before.
“Did she tell you exactly how he connects to her past?” I lift my eyebrow.
“She’s been vague lately, so I don’t get much information, I just know you two have been on the outs. I also notice you’ve been hiding out a lot and I don’t see you as much as I used to. Does Mars have anything to do with that?”
I can’t hide the smile that stretches across my face. I nod at Dad and he strokes his chin the way he does whenever he’s in deep thought. From what I can tell, he has no idea Mars is my brother.
Mom is the fucking master of secrets.
“You must be in love.” His Adam’s apple wobbles in his throat. “My little girl…in love.”
“Mom hates him,” I mutter, folding my arms.
“Mom hates anyone not up to her high standards. All that matters is how you feel about him, Sage. Mom isn’t going to live your life. You are. So whatever you do, make sure you’re happy first. Everything else will fall in place.” He leans over and presses a kiss to my forehead and for a moment, he calms my chaotic world.
I revel in the serenity that washes over me, but I can’t ignore the feeling lurking in the shadows. It’s whispering to me with a forked tongue—this is only the calm before the storm.
Mars
The throbs of uncertainty in between moments of bliss are enough to drive me insane. Each time I think I find peace in my mind of a future with Sage, terrible thoughts consume me.
Not about her or about us.
About everyfuckingthing else.
Specifically, her mother.
Eleanor Emerson.
She’s from Duncan. And true Duncans are scrappy as hell. Behind the pretty plastic smile and ridiculous amounts of money is a girl with roots in the country ghetto.
Which is why I need to stay ahead of whatever plans this crazy woman has. I push into Duncan D’s, that’s hopping with an early evening crowd, on a mission to talk to Aunt Darcy. Thirty or so of Duncan’s most thirsty alcoholics are filling the air with laughter, loud talking, and the whiff of barely masked depression.
No one gives me shit for going into the bar. I’m close enough in age, not to mention, I’ve been hanging out in this bar since I was a baby. Someone had to watch Dad’s motherless baby while he worked to make ends meet. I’m pretty sure my first sentence was, “Top me off, Darcy.”
I nod my head to a few familiar faces as I hunt for Aunt Darcy. She’s laughing at Mona—her only other bartender—and her over-the-top cackling pierces my ears. When she sees me, she says something to Mona and then points to the back. I walk past the bar, down the small corridor where her office is. She’s already waiting inside when I get there, a frown marring her face.
“What’s wrong? Is it Haddock?”
A smile tugs at my lips. “Haddock was wasting away on that crappy cat food you give him. I hooked him up with the kitty cocaine.”
She rolls her eyes. “He’s spoiled.”
“He’s ancient. He’s lived a hard kitty life. Pamper him in his end days.”
“Yeah, yeah,” she grumbles before regarding me with a serious expression. “Why you in my bar, kid?” Despite the gruffness, she says it in an affectionate way that warms my heart.
“Did you ever know a girl named Eleanor?” I ask, cutting straight to the chase. “I’m not sure what her maiden name was.”
Her lips purse together, showcasing her wrinkles from all the chain smoking she’s done over the years. “I know you ain’t talkin’ about Ellie Knowles.”
Knowles.
The only Knowles I know is Nicky Knowles.
“Who is Ellie Knowles?” I ask, treading carefully.
Her eyes narrow. “An old friend of your mother’s. Not a good friend either. Always had eyes for your old man.” She lets out a huff. “But you know Nathan loved Sunny. Wouldn’t look away from her until they buried her in the ground. I know Ellie chased him a bit after my sister died, but it wasn’t long until she just left. Word is she married into money and is doing well for herself. Again, why?”
Sounds exactly like her.
“She related to Nicky?” I ask.
“The piece of shit who lives on your street?” She lets out a sound of disgust. “That’s Ellie’s nephew. His pa, Ed, is her brother. They’re trash. Always have been.”
“What does she look like?”
“You’re askin’ a lot of questions about a bitch who ghosted this town nearly twenty years ago. What’s going on, Mars? And don’t give me some bullshit answer.”
I’ve always been able to tell Aunt Darcy things, but I feel tongue-tied at the moment. Frustration churns in my gut. People, not even Aunt Darcy, will understand Sage and me. It pisses me the hell off that we can’t proudly show off that we’re a couple.
And we are.
We so fucking are.
“I think I know her daughter.” I drop my gaze to her desk that’s littered with junk, probably dating back to the early nineties. “She doesn’t like me, Aunt D. I’ve pissed her off and she won’t take lightly to it.”
Her brows lift. “You somehow found this woman and angered her?”
“She doesn’t want any ties from her hometown coming back and messing with her perfect life,” I tell her. All truth. “I’m a loose end she wants dealt with.”
“I don’t know what’s going on, son, but you need to be careful. You hung out with Nicky and then the next thing I know, you’re doing meth, which got you hauled off to jail. That family is bad news. If you’ve stirred up Ellie’s nest, she’ll sting you like the hornet she is. Mark my words. I’ve had my own choice words with that woman, back in the day.” She frowns and clutches my shoulder. “Promise me you’ll stay away from her.”
I have no intention of dealing with Eleanor if I don’t have to.
“I will try to stay away, but something tells me that won’t be good enough.” I hug my aunt and let out a heavy sigh. “All I want is to be happy and stay out of trouble.”
She pats my back. “That’s all I want for you too, kid.”
“Then why does the universe keep fucking with me?” I demand, bitterness in my tone as I pull away.
From her apron, she pulls out a pack of smokes and tugs one out. She grabs a lighter from the desk, flicking up a flame. As she holds the flame to the end of her cigarette, she sucks in her cheeks to take a long drag. The lighter gets tossed back on the messy desk as she tilts her head up to blow out the smoke to keep it from going in my face.
