Secretly broken, p.16
Secretly Broken, page 16
I hide in my own fantasy world of books and creativity, and cringe when people try to pull me out. My imagination makes me a bad mom, a bad wife, a bad friend, a bad professional, but it keeps me alive. If you let me stay, I’ll keep breathing. It’s when I’m pulled out into the real world that you truly risk losing me.
At least for now.
At least for today.
Just let me be.
Perhaps one day I’ll be better.
All day I worry that I’m not enough. I’m not enough to make my parents proud. I’m not enough to make my husband happy. I’m not enough to raise my kids properly. I’m not enough to anyone in my life.
I feel like I need to be more, but I don’t know how. I don’t know how to fix what’s broken inside my head. I hate myself. HATE myself. So how can anyone else love me? How can I raise my kids to be functional, healthy people that felt love and security throughout their childhood if I can’t even feel it? How do I become enough for them?
It happened again today. My chest tightened until I couldn’t breathe, my hands shook, my stomach tightened until it hurt. Every thing that could go wrong went through my mind. I was terrified, but there was nothing to be scared of. It’s like someone else’s mind took control of my body and made it turn against me. I couldn’t walk. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t speak.
Strangers around me stared with worry, judgment and curiosity, and that just made everything worse. Even though I desperately wanted to run away, I couldn’t convince my feet to move. Instead, I felt myself shrinking until I was curled up on the ground, drawing even more stares.
I don’t know why these horrid thoughts keep haunting me. I don’t know where they come from or why they won’t go away. Terrible images of my brother doing unspeakable things to me…they aren’t real. They’re NOT REAL. It’s not a memory, it’s not even an entire event. Just flashes of moments. I don’t know why they won’t go away. I just want them to go away. I want them to stop popping into my brain all day long. I want them to stop making me sick to my stomach. JUST GO AWAY. STOP. PLEASE. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real.
I feel torn about all the new awareness around mental health. On one hand, it’s great that people are talking about it more. But all the ads and ways that its being brought to attention are almost glorifying the sickness without encouraging the healing part of it. So many of my friends at school are now “damaged” and have no intentions of getting help because everything tells us depression is okay, anxiety is normal. No, it’s freaking NOT. It’s not okay, its not normal. Its common, and it means you need help. My best friend has adopted her mental disorder as her entire identity. I don’t know what she would even do if she actually managed to heal. She would have no idea who she is anymore. Everything about her revolves around her illness. She’s not even a person anymore. This isn’t helping people, it’s hurting them. Stop saying it’s OKAY. It’s NOT. Bring awareness and encourage HEALING. Encourage seeking help.
Looking back on my recently ended relationship, I wish someone would have counseled me better. I wish the adults in my life would have given me reality checks, real talks, reminded me how I should be treated by the man I chose to date. Instead, they encouraged this sort of fantasy relationship idea. They played along with the perfect love I pretended to have, encouraged me to plan the future with this guy. We were 16. A little guidance would have been nice. We weren’t perfect. He was possessive, clingy, overbearing, controlling and had a temper. I was insecure.
We weren’t going to last. But I tried to make it work, despite the red flags, because I was terrified of letting everyone down. Of admitting we didn’t have the perfect relationship. Of letting them think I failed somehow. Us teenagers don’t know what we’re doing in these first relationships. We need guidance from the caring adults in our lives. Sure, it might be met with embarrassment, defensiveness, frustration. But planting that seed of awareness can help so much. Temporary disgruntlement is so worth the guidance it can provide. Adults should speak up to the teens in their lives. Even if everything looks perfect, sometimes its not. And it never hurts to remind young women what healthy relationships look like.
I made mistakes, and I own that. I own the fact that I made decisions and they had consequences. I don’t want to put that on anyone else. But…I wish things had been different. I wish my mom had talked to me. I wish she educated me about different things. Sex is a big deal. It’s not casual. I didn’t know that. I didn’t understand why it felt like a big deal, I thought something was wrong with me. So, I ignored my gut and just did it. At 17. Because, I was being ridiculous. My mother talked about sex so casually. She talked about her list of former partners without any regret. She never told me how…vulnerable it was. How…wrong it would feel. Never spoke about waiting, and why you should, or what it feels like to be ready to take that step. Nothing. We never even had a talk of any kind when I started dating. I was just left to learn things the hard way, on my own. And I made the wrong decisions. It’s soul deep, this kind of regret. And I’ll carry that with me for the rest of my life. I should have waited…
Help Resources
If you are struggling with mental health, abuse or childhood traumas, here are some links and resources that may be able to help. Please, reach out to someone. Your life matters.
Youth Suicide National Prevention Lifeline
Teens in Crisis
Teen Mental Health Support
Child Abuse Hotline
Suicide Lifeline
Veteran Crisis Line
National Sexual Assault Hotline
Adult Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse
Domestic Violence Victims & Survivors
About the Author
I have been in love with Fantasy Fiction books for as long as I can remember. Countless bookshelves and surfaces in my room quickly filled with books that I have read and reread countless times over the years.
All my life my favorite things have been the outdoors and books. I grew up on a farm; when the fields didn’t need work I was riding horses, camping, playing soccer and spending lots of time with my family. But no matter where I went, I had a book with me. I loved reading fiction fantasy books, the magic and eternal battle of good vs. evil was always my favorite.
During my senior year in high school, I became bored with my studies, so I opened a blank document and began typing. That’s how I discovered my passion for writing. Ever since that day my time is often spent creating worlds, characters and adventures. Even when I’m away from my computer I can often be caught daydreaming about my next project.
Two toddlers have certainly slowed my writing down, but my amazingly supportive husband makes sure I still get time to create my stories.
Other Books by Kaitlyn Leyva
Ace at War series:
Divided We Stand
United We Fight
As One We Conquer
Fate series:
Undiscovered Fate
Kaitlyn Leyva, Secretly Broken
