Roar, p.25
ROAR, page 25
During his appointment with Rick the next afternoon, before visiting Tori, Kristoffer talked a bit more about Pamela. Still no mention of his role as Roar. He wasn’t sure yet if Rick was kink aware.
Out of the blue, Rick asked, “When’s the last time you spent time away from Denver?”
“I go to Breckenridge once or twice a week.”
“No, I mean really away, where you aren’t within a few hours of Tori’s bedside?”
Kristoffer thought back and realized he hadn’t left Colorado since the accident except for two visits in recent years to his mother. “Tori and I used to travel all the time, but I haven’t had any interest in going anywhere in a while.” Not since the accident.
Rick nodded. “Is it that you truly lost interest in travel or that you feel guilty about going places now without Tori at your side?”
“Probably both.” Where’s the fun in traveling alone? “I think what I loved most about our ventures was sharing the experiences with her.” And reminiscing about them for years to come.
“What do you think Tori would say to you if she were able to participate in this discussion right now?”
“She’d tell me to find someone and go.” Her words rang out in his mind as though she were speaking to him. He smiled. She’d always told it like it was.
“Listen to her. A vacation—a change of scenery—could help you gain a new perspective.” Rick leaned forward in his chair. “You love Tori. Nobody doubts that. You two share a soul-deep love very few people experience. Nothing can break that.”
Kristoffer’s eyes stung, and he shifted his gaze to the window behind Rick where the mountains formed not only a backdrop, but a kind of barrier that represented the walls he’d put up between himself and the rest of the world these past four years.
“Kristoffer, Tori wouldn’t want you to stop living life to the fullest. What happened to her was an accident. Hang on to the memories of the good times before the accident and keep those in your heart, but consider taking a few steps forward. Create some new memories. If the tables had been turned and you were the one confined to that bed, what would you want her to do?”
When he put it that way, even though Kristoffer had heard the same question put forth from Gunnar over the years, the words somehow made sense. He wouldn’t wish what had become of his life on anyone, much less his beloved Tori had their roles been reversed. So why then was it supposed to be acceptable for him?
Rick continued, “From what you’ve shared here, Tori loves you too much to have you give up on living.”
Unable to speak to the truth being laid out before him, Kristoffer merely nodded.
Perhaps the time had come for him to make some changes in his life. No, more like time for him to get a life, period.
* * *
Pamela let Kristoffer into her apartment and placed his suit coat on the coat rack in the hallway. He seemed more subdued than he’d been lately.
“How’d your day go?” she asked.
“Same old.”
He didn’t seem himself. “Is everything all right with Tori?”
“Yeah.”
He didn’t seem to want to talk about whatever was on his mind.
She’d read a lot online about patients in a persistent vegetative state to try and understand what he was dealing with and what the prognosis for the future might be. Tori could live this way until she reached a ripe old age unless some infection or disease claimed her first. No wonder her pneumonia had him so concerned.
Kristoffer took his wedding vows seriously, and without anyone else to care for his wife, he would always be an active part of her care and life, no doubt.
If I were in Tori’s place, would I want that kind of undying commitment from my husband? Perhaps. What a testament of his love for her.
Be real. No way would she want anyone to go through that on her behalf. Being trapped in a shell of a body that many years and putting her family through such anguish would be unbearable to her soul, even if she didn’t know what was happening.
Of course Tori had no idea of the sacrifices her husband made for her every day, namely giving up his own happiness in order to remain by her side. While honorable, such devotion had taken a toll.
He seemed resigned to his fate, but was nowhere near happy. Kristoffer didn’t seek love or even sex elsewhere.
Would she be satisfied in the long run to spend evenings like this without any physical intimacy? Did he crave anything other than friendship and providing her with guidance as her Dom or Top? She admired his faithfulness, but not his stubbornness, if that made any sense.
Actually, nothing made sense to her anymore.
Better to continue playing it safe with Kristoffer and not test the waters any further. Tonight, she’d give all thoughts about the future a rest and stay in the moment.
Inside the kitchen, she pulled the salad from the fridge. “I hope you’re hungry. I’m trying something new tonight”
He smiled. “Sounds good. Can I help with anything?”
“Why don’t you take the lamb out of the oven?”
While it rested, she prepared the bread to go in, enjoying working side by side with him like this. Her feelings for him grew deeper every moment they spent together—and the thought of his leaving later tonight hurt her heart.
You’ve got it bad, girlfriend.
She filled him in on her day. With so little going on other than her visits to the gym, though, that didn’t take long. Bored didn’t begin to describe how she felt these days. She’d caught up on medical journals, read some books for fun, and reorganized her pantry. Whatever Kristoffer would be comfortable doing with her, she would welcome.
Even if all they could do was continue to spend quiet nights cuddled on the couch, she’d try to be content. He made her feel cherished. He hadn’t promised her anything more than friendship and training.
“Why don’t we start with the salads?”
After dishing them out, she carried them to the table. Shaking the homemade vinaigrette into a frenzy, she poured some over her salad and passed the bottle to him.
They ate in tense silence until the smell of bread wafted to her. “Oh! I almost forgot!” She jumped up and ran to the kitchen.
Luckily, she rescued it before the loaf burned, although it might be crispier than she preferred. While in here, she removed the leg of lamb from the pan and transferred it to a platter then checked on the vegetables.
“What can I do?”
“Why don’t you slice the roast?”
As he did, she plated their vegetables and then the meat. “Mint jelly?”
“How else does one enjoy lamb?”
A man after her own heart.
“I think everything’s ready.” Pamela picked up the basket of bread slices and butter, while Kristoffer carried their plates to the table where she’d already set out the silverware and napkins.
“Now we can sit and enjoy the rest of our meal without interruptions.” Perhaps she was a little preoccupied tonight. Normally, she’d have no trouble having everything served at one time.
Soon, they were seated together again.
He seemed quiet tonight. Before taking her first bite, Kristoffer’s gaze drew her to him like a magnet. “I need to ask you something, Pamela.”
He sounded deadly serious, causing her to set down her fork. “What is it?”
Was he about to tell her they could no longer continue to meet like this?
He took a deep breath, making her worry even more. What on earth was the matter? She needed her couch time more than ever and hoped it wouldn’t be a thing of the past.
“How would you like to take a little vacation with me? For a week or so?”
Excitement stirred in her once more as she released the tension that had been building up all evening. “Sounds awesome. What did you have in mind?”
“I thought maybe we could go out to Sonoma Valley, enjoy fine wine, good food, and reliable sunshine. Can you do that?”
“My next hospital assignment has been postponed until mid-August at the earliest. And we can handle anything that comes up with the equipment purchases through the Internet while on vacation. So, yes, I’d love a chance to get away.” With you.
He visibly relaxed. Is that what he was so nervous about tonight?
She’d hate herself for reminding him, but needed to make sure he’d thought this through. “What about Tori?”
“Well…” She waited for him to reconsider. “I’ve only been away from her side about five or six days in more than four years, and…” He sighed. “I didn’t mention this earlier, but I’ve been seeing a grief counselor the past few weeks.”
“Good for you!” Finally, someone who could help him figure out what he wanted out of the rest of his life, rather than remaining tied to the past.
He rushed to add, “Don’t think I’m going off the deep end or anything. He’s a relationship counselor as well as a grief expert. Anyway, he’s been helping me to see it’s not healthy to hold on to Tori this tightly.”
No shit.
“I think it’s great that you’re talking with someone who’s objective and trained to help people sort out situations and deal with warring factions in their cognitions.” When his eyes glazed over, she grinned. “Sorry for the lapse into jargon. All I’m saying is he could help you find ways to a new happiness and to let go of some of the internal conflict about letting go of the past.”
“Ah, I agree. Today, he helped me see that I need to allow myself a mental-health break every now and then. I know this all sounds sudden, and it’s unlike me to be spontaneous, but I decided a short getaway might do me some good. I just don’t care much for traveling alone.”
“Me, either. So you want to go to Sonoma?” She’d only been there once, with her mom, but she’d been too young to drink wine at the time.
“Yeah. We’ll want to beat the Fourth of July weekend crowd, but I found a rental that’s available starting this Friday night. Is that too soon?” He quickly added, “We’ll have separate bedrooms, of course.”
She smiled and mentally shook her head, knowing he wasn’t ready to take that kind of leap. Regardless, she wasn’t used to Kristoffer being spontaneous, and what he was proposing was an enormous leap for him. “I can be ready whenever you are.”
“Great. Going with you will be a lot more special than going alone or with anyone else.”
Pamela’s chest grew tight at the last part. He didn’t want just any travel companion. He wanted her. “I can’t wait.”
A whole week together without one or the other having to go home at the end of the evening. Not to mention that being away from Tori and the heavy burden of responsibility that he carried would be freeing for Kristoffer, too. She felt a little guilty for thinking it. But selfish though she might be, having him to herself might help her to figure out whether he’d be worth waiting for. One day, he’d be free to love again, but putting herself on hold for a man had never been something she’d considered doing. Not in a million years.
Kristoffer was different than any man she’d ever met, and she was fast approaching the point where she wouldn’t be able to imagine her life going forward without him in it.
She could put her life on hold for years, even decades, waiting for Tori to pass. There were no guarantees Kristoffer would even want anything more with her at that point.
Raising her hopes too high might happen at her peril and be a monumental risk to her heart.
* * *
Had he done the right thing to ask her to spend a week with him in Sonoma? Would he be able to control his desires during that time when every moment spent with her only made him want her more?
They settled down on the couch to watch a movie. He couldn’t say which one they watched, but he stroked her bare arm as her head lay cradled in his lap. He couldn’t believe he’d sought out a therapist, but Kristoffer had to admit his anxiety level had decreased about spending times like this with Pamela. He actually looked forward to them.
Somehow, talking with another man had been easier than trying to explain his carnal conflict with a woman. He and Rick also had the stock market as a common interest. Often their sessions started out discussing markets and other subjects comfortable for Kristoffer before Rick zeroed in on something personal and pushed him that much further into talking about making changes in his life. While most adjustments Kristoffer had made in his life had been subtle up to this point, the upcoming trip would be monumental.
Rick nailed it this afternoon when he said, “It sounds as though you haven’t allowed yourself time to grieve.” He’d spelled out the stages of grief, as if Kristoffer needed any more stages to wade through.
In fact, Kristoffer hadn’t considered a need to grieve at all over the years, because Tori wasn’t dead. Not in the sense she’d been buried, anyway. Not in the way that would have allowed him to move on with his life after a few years.
She remained alive in some ways, but dead to him in so many others. Trapped between two worlds.
This trip with Pamela would open a new door for him. He hoped he was doing the right thing.
Pamela brought him back to the moment when she sat up. “I think I dozed off. Was it good?”
He gave a noncommittal grunt. “I’d better be heading home.”
“Text me when you get there. You look as worn out as I feel.”
He nodded and left. As soon as he let himself into his condo, he texted to let her know he’d made it home safely and to say goodnight. He stood and pocketed his phone, walking across the living room to pour himself a stiff drink, but he hadn’t even removed the stopper from the decanter of scotch before realizing he really didn’t want a drink at all. Another bad habit he’d developed in recent years. Self-medication, Rick called it.
He ought to be preparing for his imminent trip. Glancing back at the sofa, he saw a stack of unread Wall Street Journal newspapers. He definitely needed to clean the place up before Liz and Ron arrived to stay with Noma while he was gone.
That his in-laws had agreed to help him get away on such short notice surprised him, but they’d been checking in more frequently since their daughter’s bout with pneumonia, so when they’d called while he was visiting Tori tonight, the request was out before he gave it another thought. Perhaps they were more aware than before that it might only be a question of time before their daughter lost her tenuous hold on life.
His thoughts turned to Sonoma. Would going back to a place steeped in memories of Tori be what his therapist had in mind? He hadn’t revealed that to Rick—or to Pamela. But when he thought about traveling, the valley was the first place that called to him.
Sonoma.
He’d rented a house not far from where they’d honeymooned eighteen years ago this August. The thought of returning to that other house churned his stomach, but his need to relive the happy moments he’d spent in the valley with Tori then and over the years was too strong to ignore.
Noma rubbed his pant leg, and he picked her up. Petting her while staring out the window at the skyline miles away, he remembered the day they’d rescued the cat soon after an anniversary trip. They’d named her Sonoma, but Noma fit her better.
He reminded himself that he’d need to be as attentive as possible to Pamela during the upcoming trip, though. She’d have no fun if all he did was wallow in the past.
Should he tell her about the significance of where they were going?
Maybe—once they were out there. It wasn’t as though they were going as lovers. That would have been supremely tacky and thoughtless. But the valley called to him as it hadn’t done in years. He needed to revisit a place where the vivacious Tori had still been a part of his life. No, not to relive the past. Perhaps, instead, the time had come to say goodbye to that chapter in his life. To close the door and move on.
With Pamela?
If only he could.
Chapter Eleven
Kristoffer tried to shed the lethargy that had grown worse the farther away from Denver they flew. He carried the remainder of their suitcases into the vacation rental house as Pamela set the brown-paper grocery bag on the kitchen counter. They planned to eat out, but had bought coffee, creamer, and a few snacks. Without hesitation, she made a beeline for the patio doors where he joined her, looking out over the rolling hills covered in vineyards.
“I can’t believe we’re here, Kristoffer.” She smiled up at him. “I like surprises like these.”
“It’s been a while since I’ve done anything spontaneous.” He’d said goodbye to Tori eight hours ago, and here he was about to spend a week without her in their favorite place. His heart felt encased in ice. Numb. He hadn’t been away from Tori more than two or three days at any given time in all the years they were married.
Guilt threatened to weigh him down. Should he have come here alone? Why drag Pamela out here on the pretense of a carefree vacation when his mind intended to wallow in the past?
Consider this yet another roleplay scene.
Refusing to disappoint Pamela, he resolved to make this week enjoyable for his friend while still honoring his memories of Tori. Sonoma was one of his wife’s favorite places. Maybe her spirit would be here with them if she truly were free of her broken body.
“Which bedroom would you like?” she asked, drawing him back.
“Doesn’t matter to me. I doubt either one will be bad.” The vacation property listed two master bedrooms, so they’d have plenty of room to spread out without stepping on each other’s toes.
“Why don’t you take the master bedroom on that side then?”
He picked up her carry-on bag in one hand and the larger suitcase in the other. “Let’s settle in before going out to dinner in a couple hours. I made a reservation at a wonderful place you’re going to love. This place is a bit more formal. Do you mind dressing up a little?”
She raised herself on tiptoes and placed a quick kiss on his cheek, throwing him off guard. “Sounds wonderful! I rarely get a chance to dress up.”
