“He seems good. We’ve texted a few times today. His brother and sister-in-law live in Connecticut and he’s recuperating at their house, so I might try to go up there on Friday. Or I suppose I could wait until they bring him home. Either way, it’s going to be a long week.”

  “Sounds like you’re missing him.”

  “Truth?”

  “Of course.”

  “I got on the elevator this morning and nearly burst into tears.” Sabrina leaned back against the counter and folded her arms. The ride down to the lobby that morning had been absolutely miserable. The air was thin and stale. It had set her entire day on a bad path. And the whole time, all she could think about was what her life would be like without Michael. Empty. Lonely. She didn’t want to imagine it. “Is it strange that I got emotional about an elevator ride?”

  “It’s how it’s all started, so no. It’s okay to miss him. Actually, I think I’d worry if you didn’t.” Lucy wiped the glass displays in large sweeping motions. “You didn’t tell me how things went with his family. I only got to hear about the hospital.”

  “His family is great. They’re very kind and super close. It was a little overwhelming, but they did their best to make me feel incredibly welcome.”

  “That sounds great. So why is the tone in your voice so weird?”

  “All of that family bonding? It brought a lot of emotions to the surface.” Sabrina inched closer to Lucy. “Saturday night, Michael told me he was falling in love with me.”

  “He did? What did you say?”

  “I told him that I thought I might be falling in love with him, too. I didn’t know what else to say. I panicked.” She stared at the ceiling, shaking her head in dismay. Not that she could think of a response that would have been more elegant. Yes, she’d been playing things cautiously, but she had her reasons.

  “Ouch.”

  “I also told him that I was surprised he’d said it in the first place because I figured he was the kind of guy who avoided that word at all costs.” That part sounded far more horrible when she dared to share it out loud.

  Lucy placed her hand on her hip. “Let me ask you a question. Where did you see this thing with Michael going? I mean, when you first told him you’d have dinner with him, what did you envision?”

  Sabrina could’ve written a novel about the things she’d envisioned with Michael, but they were all bits and pieces of a relationship. She’d never seen where it was going, let alone a destination, perhaps because she’d been oblivious to the fact that they were at the beginning of something so real. “I thought I was going to clean the pipes. Remember?”

  Lucy snickered. “Oh, right. I forgot about that.”

  “Seriously though, I thought that we would go out a few times, he would decide to move on, and because he’s so freaking charming, he would figure out a way for us to still be cordial.”

  “So then what made you say yes? I know for a fact that you weren’t looking to get your heart broken.”

  “I never thought a guy like Michael would be able to capture my heart.” Nearly all of her assumptions about Michael had proven to be wrong, and she hadn’t bargained on the emotional component becoming so consequential, so quickly. Why was it always speed that made her so nervous? “He’s just so damn funny and smart and sweet. And I love our dynamic. Our friendship.”

  “Even with all of that, you’re still not sure of your feelings for him?” Lucy picked at her nail. “You can always duck out if it’s getting too serious for you. You are a total catch. If you made yourself available, you’d have no shortage of options.”

  Make myself available? Sabrina felt queasy. The idea of going out with another guy felt unequivocally wrong. “No. I can’t do that.”

  “Because you’re not ready?”

  “Because I love him.”

  Lucy froze for a moment. “For someone who’s not sure, that sounds pretty definitive.”

  “It is. It’s also fucking terrifying.”

  Lucy nodded slowly, taking it all in. “Maybe you should ask what your widow group thinks. You have your meeting tonight, right? They always seem to have good advice.”

  “Yeah.” She glanced at her phone. “I actually need to leave soon. Although I feel a little like I’m running to Mom with boyfriend problems. It seems like I should have this figured out by now.”

  “Does anyone ever completely figure out love? I mean, isn’t uncertainty baked into the equation?”

  Now it was Sabrina’s turn to freeze as Lucy’s words tumbled around in her head. “I suppose you’re right.”

  Lucy patted Sabrina on the shoulder. “You’ll figure things out. You always do.”

  Sabrina helped Lucy close up the shop, then headed straight for Orla’s and the meeting. In the cab on the way there, she let the blur of the city occupy her mind. She needed a break from so much intense thinking.

  She arrived at Orla’s door a few minutes early. “I know it’s not time for our meeting yet, but I was hoping you might have a minute or two for me. I could use a sympathetic ear.”

  Orla stepped aside to let Sabrina in. “Actually, everyone’s already here. Kendra told us all what’s going on. She thought you might need some extra support.”

  “Wow. Okay.” Sabrina felt a bit like the cavalry had come to her rescue. “That’s great.”

  “Can I get you a glass of wine?” Orla asked as Sabrina removed her coat.

  “You know, as good as that sounds, I think I need to keep my thinking as straight as humanly possible.”

  Kendra was standing in the doorway of Orla’s living room, her head knocked to one side. “So? How are we holding up?”

  “Okay. But I have a lot to catch you guys up on.” Sabrina walked into the room where Leticia, Aurora, and Daisy were waiting.

  “Kendra told us about Michael’s heart attack,” Leticia said, her eyes wide and expectant. “Is he okay?”

  “I think we also need to know if you’re okay,” Daisy added. “It sounds like you’ve been through the wringer.”

  “We’re both hanging in there. Thank you for asking.” Sabrina plopped down in her seat next to Kendra and started in on the one thing she knew these women would understand—the part where it all became about life and death. She told them about the moment she realized what was really happening. “It was like a switch was flipped. I just sprang into action. All I cared about was making sure he was okay.”

  The widows nodded. They knew. Good God, they knew.

  She told them about pulling over and getting to the hospital. She painted a picture of the scene in the E.R. “The adrenaline started pumping and that was enough to get me through it, even when I was scared to death. But the second they took him back to open the blockage, it all hit me like a ton of bricks.”

  “The weight of what was happening?” Orla asked.

  “Yes. What could be waiting on the other side of all of that. Loss.”

  “I understand what you’re saying. And believe me, we have all been there in one way or another. But that’s not necessarily true in Michael’s case.” Kendra reached over and grasped Sabrina’s forearm. “He’s a very healthy guy. Millions of people live with what he’s living with. And for a very long time.”

  Sabrina held up her hand. She appreciated the reassurance, but there was more she needed to get off her chest. “I know. You’re right. But I think that the hardest part of becoming a widow was having my eyes opened to the reality. That eventually, we all lose someone we really, truly love.” She sucked in a breath as the tears started to slowly roll down her cheeks. “When I was with Andrew, and everything was new and we were happy, I had every reason to believe that it would go on forever. It was what we told each other. I would tell him that I would always love him. And he told me the same. But then the end came and that went away.”

  The other women didn’t say anything at first. They simply nodded again. That was such a huge part of what Sabrina loved about this group. They got it. On a molecular level. When she’d lost Andrew, lots of people told her that they knew how she felt. But this group of women understood that no one could fully understand another person’s grief. Every loss was different. Maybe you loved the person deeply, but things had been rough. Maybe you’d stayed together for the kids or because your mom liked them. Maybe you were able to say goodbye. Maybe you weren’t. Maybe you’d had a fight that morning. Maybe you’d just made love. Those moments—good and bad—were all portals into a reality no one could understand until they arrived.

  “It’s true. It’s so, so true,” Kendra said.

  Sabrina swallowed hard, wiping away tears and trying to compose herself. “Michael told me this weekend that he loves me. While he was having chest pains. Like I’m seriously wondering if it gave him a heart attack.”

  “What did you say?” Aurora asked.

  “I focused on the problem at hand. I didn’t worry about his words. And then the minute the doctors and nurses took over, I had this realization that I love him, too. But I didn’t say anything because I was worried that I was working with flawed logic. That my brain was telling me that if I just said that I loved him, it would save him.”

  “I don’t think that’s true, Sabrina,” Orla said. “I think your brain and your heart already know more than well enough that love wouldn’t be enough to save him.”

  “Yeah. I guess. I never thought of it that way.” Sabrina sighed as she wrapped her head around that. It was true. She was painfully aware of that fact. “Here’s the other issue. The thing that’s really bothering me. There’s still a part of me that feels like I’m betraying Andrew by being in love with someone else. When is the guilt ever going to go away?”

  “Do you remember when we talked about how grief isn’t something you get through or get over? That it will always be there?” Orla asked.

  “Yes. You described it like the knot in a tree. It’s there, but the tree still grows. And eventually the knot is a smaller part of the whole, but it never goes away. It’s permanent.”

  Orla nodded intently, and leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and tenting her hands like she was praying. “Everything that grows around the knot is your life, Sabrina. And it’s full of smooth patches and rough. It’s beautiful and ever-changing and it’s going to keep going as long as you’re here. There’s more than enough room for love in your life. In fact, love can grow all around that knot and protect it. It might sound counterintuitive, but your love for Michael can honor the chapter of your life that was Andrew. It can protect it and keep it safe, simply by giving you moments of joy and happiness.”

  Sabrina took a moment to mull over the wisdom Orla had chosen to impart. It was a lot to think about. A lot to ponder. It made her think about time and love and how they were so hopelessly intertwined. There was no separating them. No one knew how much time they had to love. Time was an important currency, but you couldn’t save it or make more of it. But love? That was boundless. There was always more to give. More to let in. The realization filled her with a new sense of urgency. It made her ready to leap. She couldn’t make more time, but she could give more love.

  “It’s not a betrayal, honey. I promise,” Orla added.

  Sabrina pulled a tissue out of her bag. She was a blubbering mess, but she felt free of so many expectations. She knew the answer that was nestled deep in her heart, and apparently a good cry with these women she adored had been the only way to appreciate how real it was. She looked up and saw the love and empathy in the eyes of these women who had become her support system. No, she didn’t have a mom, but it didn’t matter. She had Kendra, Orla, Leticia, Daisy, and Aurora. That was all she really needed.

  “So, what are you going to do?” Daisy asked.

  “I have to tell him the truth,” Sabrina said. “As soon as possible.”

  Kendra cocked an eyebrow. “Which is?”

  “That I love him.” The words sailed past Sabrina’s lips. “And we’ll have to figure out what comes after that.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  So far, the best part of staying at Brian’s house was spending time with Zoe. “Will you read me another story?” she pleaded, even though everything in her voice said that she was adorably sleepy.

  “I’m sorry, honey. Your mom gave me very strict orders.” He pulled up the covers and leaned down to kiss her forehead. “Uncle Michael needs to pace himself.”

  “Because you had a heart attack?”

  “Who told you that?”

  “Mommy. But only because I asked a million questions.”

  Michael laughed. Zoe did have a way of wearing down adults. “That’s part of why I’m staying here with you this week. So I can get better.”

  “Will you drive me to school tomorrow?” she asked.

  “I’m not supposed to, but it’s okay if I’m a passenger.” He hated being like this, needing to be taken care of. He supposed it was simply part of life. “And we can have breakfast together, too, if you want.”

  “Okay. Good.” Zoe snuggled up with the stuffed rabbit she had tucked under her arm. “Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight, sweetheart.” Michael closed Zoe’s door and padded down the hall and into the family room. Brian was parked in front of the TV, watching the NBA. Michael joined him on the couch. Alyshia was at her book club. “Zoe’s asleep.”

  “Glad to know you can carry your weight around here.”

  Michael slapped Brian’s arm with the back of his hand. “Hey. I’m the patient. You’re supposed to be nice to me.”

  “I’m being nice by treating you like I always do.” Brian glanced at him. “Still feeling okay?”

  “Honestly, I feel better than I’ve felt in years. I’m a little sore at the incision site. But that’s pretty much it.”

  “That’s great news. But don’t think that means you get to go home early. Mom was very specific about following doctor’s orders.”

  “Yeah. Yeah. I know.” Michael picked up his phone and looked at it. There was no call or text from Sabrina, which was a disappointment.

  “You aren’t sneakily trying to work, are you?”

  Michael shook his head. “Absolutely not. I didn’t even check my email today.”

  “Wow. My brother the wolf really is taking this seriously.”

  “It’s more than that. I hate my job.”

  “Then why do you keep doing it?”

  “Not sure.” Because I’m an idiot? He’d been complaining about his career for years, but hadn’t done anything about it, unsure of how or where to pivot. “I’ve been thinking about making a change. Just not sure what.”

  “If you ever want to sell commercial real estate, I’d love to work with you. That would be fun.”

  Michael nodded. “I’d like to work with you, too. Not sure if real estate is my thing, though.”

  “Well, think about it. And I’m here if you ever want to bounce something off me.”

  “Cool. Thank you.” Of course, it came down to more than indecisiveness about a career change. This was about his future, and everything he was focused on had nothing to do with money or a job. It was all about Sabrina. He was eager to get back to the city so they could get fully back on track. Even if it was a return to that slow pace she needed, he was on board. Hell, it might even be good for him.

  “You still haven’t told me why you keep looking at your phone.”

  “I’m waiting to hear from Sabrina. She was supposed to call me after the meeting with her widows group. Sometimes they go past nine or ten, and it’s only eight. It’s fine.”

  “You don’t sound fine.”

  Michael drew in a cleansing breath. He wasn’t fine, but he was doing his damnedest to keep from stressing about it. He was not going to undo the good the doctors had done yesterday. “I told her that I love her. While I was in the early stages of a heart attack. We talked about it a little in the hospital, but I still feel like there’s a lot that went unsaid. I worry that I pressured her. Again. I need to make sure she knows that I’m sorry.”

  “Wow. Okay. You didn’t tell me that.” Brian reached for the remote and lowered the volume, then slid it back onto the coffee table. “Look. I think you’re doing your best, and Sabrina seems like a very understanding person. So even if it put pressure on her, and even if it upset her or bothered her, I’m sure you can work it out.”

  If only Michael was so convinced. “Are you saying that because you don’t want me to stress?”

  “No. I’m saying that because you’re my brother and I love you, but I think you spend a little too much time in your own head. Not everything is a problem you need to fix. Some things just need to get ironed out.”

  “I’m not sure I understand the difference.”

  “You don’t need to solve it. You both do. ”

  From the other room came the sound of the door off the garage closing. An instant later, Alyshia rushed in from the kitchen, breathless. “Hey. What are you two doing?”

  Confusion washed over Brian’s face. “Watching basketball. What are you doing? I thought you were at your book club.”

  “I left early.” Alyshia strode to the window that overlooked the front yard and peeked behind the curtains. “Brian, can you and I have a chat please? In the kitchen?”

  Michael had no idea what in the world was going on, but he also knew better than to question Alyshia.

  “Sure thing, babe.” Brian got up from his seat and started for the other room.

  Alyshia hustled after him, but stopped halfway there, turning to look at Michael. “Need anything?”

  “No. I’m good.”

  “Glass of water? Altoid?”

  Michael narrowed his sights on his sister-in-law. She was acting so strangely. Too many glasses of chardonnay at book club? Maybe. “Why? Does my breath smell?”

  “No. I’m just asking. I’ll be right back.” She patted his leg, then flitted off toward the kitchen.

  Michael grabbed the remote and turned the volume back up on the TV, but as soon as he settled back in his seat, a beam of light from the front window traveled across the screen. “Who in the hell is coming over?”

 

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