Crow winter, p.18
Crow Winter, page 18
“You running for office or something?” The words tumble out of my mouth, but I don’t regret saying them. “You talk like a politician.”
“Geez, what’s with the firing squad?” Mia says.
“What? I’m just saying.”
Thomas laughs graciously. He acts like a politician too. “It’s all right. I get that a lot. Sometimes I have a hard time turning off my work voice.”
“Wow, your English is good,” says Mia, sitting into her hip. “Are you actually from town or what?”
“I was here for the first few years of my life. Then my family moved to Ottawa and sent me to school in English. They wanted to make sure I was bilingual. Which is why I hardly have an accent.”
“Hey, Hazel went to school there too!” Mia nudges me.
“Yeah, but university,” I say. “That’s different. It’s not like we have the same life.”
Star-man saves Thomas from replying as he gets up and comes over to greet him. “Mr. Gagnon! Our resident White Man for the evening, huh?”
“That would be me,” Thomas replies, reaching out to shake the old man’s hand. “It’s good to see you doing well, Jack.”
Star-man pulls him into an embrace, patting his back. “You too, Wabi-Mahigan.” He steps back from the hug and looks at the four of us. “I tink it’s time we all got ourselves in de lodge, ahn? What yiz tink?”
Robby answers for all of us. “You bet, Anangininî. Don’t want to keep you up too late.”
Star-man chuckles. “Watch it now, Littleduck, or I’ll make you sing lead on all the songs in dere.” He rubs his hands together and then claps them once. “Okay, tonight we have two who are new to the sweat. Minwa pijawok! Welcome! We’ll be heading inside de lodge shortly. I just want to give yiz all a little rundown of how tings are gonna go in dere. Tonight’s sweat is gonna be about healing hurts—physical, emotional, spiritual. When we enter into a sweat lodge, we are givin’ ourselves the permission to heal. Everyting dat happens inside the lodge is to help make ourselves better, safer, and so dat we can continue on living de Good Life.
“Now, we need someone in each doorway once we’re inside de lodge. That’ll decide how we enter. I’ll be in the Eastern doorway. Robby, you go ahead and take the Southern doorway.” He pauses, his eyebrows inching toward each other, the lines of his face curving in. “The Western doorway is rough. Shouldn’t ever be given to first-timers. All the pain and hurt flows through it.”
“I can do it,” says Mia.
“It’s a tough place to be,” says Star-man. “Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. I’ve been in enough sweats to know how the whole thing goes down.” Mia nods. “Besides, I got so much positivity in me that I’ll be fine with whatever sad stuff you all throw at me.”
“Good, it’s good to have dat kinda fire,” Star-man says. “Now den, you two can decide where you’d like to sit. I know we still have one more doorway, but it would be all right dis time if we left it open. Northern doorway belongs to the Spirit World anyhow.”
Thomas and I look at each other. He speaks first. “I’ll be okay with whatever you decide.”
When he looks at me, I can feel my cheeks get hot. I clear my throat. “I’ll go after Mia. Why don’t you sit near Robby? Since you two know each other and all.”
Thomas nods. “Sure. I’ll come in last. Probably best since I’m the outsider here.”
“Mm. That’s true.” I cross my arms and look away from him.
“Which means dat, Mia, you’ll go into de lodge second after me,” Star-man says. “Jus’ be sure to leave a bit of a gap for de Northern doorway. What you’ll all do is introduce yourself to de lodge. Say hello and your name. Den you’ll crawl clockwise until you get to your spot. Now, it’s gonna be real dark in dere, even with de door open, so try to give each other a heads-up if you tink you’re gettin’ too close. Don’t want anyone to collide if dey don’t need to.”
Star-man turns toward the fire. Balanced carefully on two rocks just outside the firepit are two dark stone bowls. One is filled with tobacco and the other with cedar. Star-man takes a small bit of each medicine and places it in the palm of his left hand. He closes it into a gentle fist, placing his other hand overtop like a blanket. He shuts his eyes and prays softly. He speaks too quickly and too quietly for me to understand the words.
Mia leans close to me and whispers, “How are you not freaking out right now?”
“I am,” I answer. “I keep worrying that this’ll be the time I discover that I’m claustrophobic.”
“What? No. Not about that. About that.” She nods her head subtly toward Thomas and then brings a hand up to scratch behind her ear as if that could hide the suspicious motion.
“What about him?”
“Um, he’s hot. Duh. And the way he keeps smiling at you and talking to you.” She shakes her head. “It’s like he’s doing everything he can to get you to like him.”
“It’s not like that.”
“He could be your John Smith.”
“What? Inappropriately older than me and a guy from the group who forced their religion upon me and my People and then brought me back to England to die alone and childless?”
“You must be fun at parties.”
“You know I don’t go out. Besides, this guy’s wemitigòji. Pretty sure John Smith was anganeshà.”
“French, English, whatever, it’s all the same. If you’re not going to enjoy this, then I will.” She looks Thomas up and down while he’s busy talking quietly to Robby. “Nakoma’s gonna get herself some.”
“Oh my god.”
Star-man finishes his prayer, opens his eyes, lifts his hands toward the rising moon, and tosses the medicines into the Sacred Fire. The old man dusts his hands on his pants and then presses them against his back as he straightens up. “I’d like each of yiz to grab some tobacco and some cedar. Take de medicines in your hands and take a second to ask the Creator for help with what you want healed tonight. You don’t have ta say it out loud or anyting—tinking it is powerful enough. Den, when yiz are ready, you go ahead and trow dat handful into de fire. Send dem prayers up to G’tchi Manitou,” Star-man says when he turns back toward us.
We do as we’re told.
I’m not sure what to ask for. There are so many things I need help with these days that I don’t know where to begin. Forgetting what it feels like to grieve—that would be nice. That’s a big ask, and I know that the Creator must have bigger things to worry about than helping me tonight. I close my eyes.
Guide me down the right path.
I open my hand and offer the medicines to the fire. The tobacco and cedar catch fire and crinkle in upon themselves like a closing fist.
“An offer of tobacco and cedar to the Sacred Fire means dat it’s time for all of us to enter into de lodge. Remember dat dis is a place of healing and welcoming de new and good tings dat are waiting for us once we come back out dat door.” Star-man points with his lips toward the lodge, and we all turn our heads, following his gaze.
Mia’s mom is standing in front of the door and on the other side of the cedar trail that leads from the fire to the lodge. Her long skirt grazes the toes of her moccasins as she sways back and forth slightly, her hands folded in front of her stomach.
“Give your coats and sweaters to our gracious chef. She’ll take good care of dem,” Star-man continues as he walks toward the lodge, sliding out of his jacket and tugging the worn ribbon shirt over his head. He turns to us, pointing to the ground as he steps out of his moccasins. “Oh, and leave your shoes out here. Make sure you’re in de order we decided.”
“Mia,” I whisper, “does that mean everyone’s practically naked in there?”
“Tsk, well yeah. It gets hot in there. Guys wear shorts or whatever, but they usually go topless. We gotta wear skirts and shirts, though. Can’t be too indecent.”
“Okay.”
“What are you worried about? It’s dark in there. Not like you have to stare at anyone’s half-naked body. I mean, I wouldn’t mind staring at someone.” She nods toward Thomas and I roll my eyes.
Then the four of us awkwardly move around one another into a line. Thomas places a hand on my shoulder when he moves to stand behind Robby and me. Mia watches as he walks by. She smiles at him and tries to play with her hair, tossing one of the tight braids over her shoulder.
Robby leans in to whisper to me as we start to walk toward the lodge. “Think she’s upset she volunteered for the Western doorway now?”
“You could still switch with her,” I say.
“Nah,” he says. “It’s funnier this way. She can’t flirt around if she’s not right next to him.”
“Probably won’t stop her from trying, somehow. She’s a pretty determined person.”
“True. Betcha she’ll start with her Pocahontas stuff.”
I snort. “Oh, she definitely already has.”
“If she starts using mukluk as a verb, then we’d better watch out.”
“Ew, gross, Robby.”
“What? I’m kidding, I’m kidding!”
“Still. Ever sick, that’s your cousin.”
I shake my head at him, but I’m smiling.
Star-man bends down, his old bones crackling like the fire at our backs. He pauses in the doorway and then crawls on his hands and knees into the dark of the lodge. Mia steps forward to hand her sweater to her mom. She slides out of it slowly, as if she knows that there are eyes on her. I sneak a glance over my shoulder, pretending to be interested in the Sacred Fire. Thomas isn’t watching her, but he catches my gaze and gives me another of his charming smiles. I bring my attention back to the lodge, which is suddenly much closer now that it’s nearly my turn to step inside. My nerves come back, my heart beating so loudly that I have to struggle to focus on what Mia says as she enters the lodge.
“Kwe kwe, madòdison. Wâwâshkeshîkwe nidijinikaz. Màg dodem.” Then she moves into the lodge.
I unzip my jacket and hand it over to Mia’s mom. The night air turns my bare arms to gooseflesh. Standing at the mouth of the lodge, it seems smaller. Like it can’t possibly hold the five of us. How close will we be inside it? How will I be able to breathe when there’s no air and the roof comes crashing in on us?
“Go on,” Robby whispers. “You can do it.”
I nod, swallow hard, and then sink down onto my hands and knees. My hair falls over my shoulder, covering the bandage that’s hiding Nanabush’s signature. I open my mouth to introduce myself, my voice so quiet that it’s barely worth calling it a mumble. “Kwe kwe, madòdison. Hazel nidijinikaz. Migizî dodem.”
It is blindingly dark inside the lodge, even with the light from the open door. I freeze, startled by my disorientation. Then Star-man’s voice comes to me from my immediate right. He speaks softly so that he doesn’t scare me. He tells me to crawl to my left along the wall of the lodge. I breathe in the cedar-scented air and move into the lodge. I reach out and feel the curved branches of the wall as I move forward. The packed earth is cool against my palms. I crawl, trying to picture the circle in my mind as I move so that I don’t stop too soon. It feels like I’ve gone too far when I bump into Mia.
“There’s lots of room in here. You can definitely scoot back a little,” she whispers.
I smile and blush, feeling the embarrassment even though she can’t see my face. “Right. Sorry. It’s a lot bigger in here than I imagined from out there.”
“Mm-hmm,” she says. “One of the great things about the sweat. Makes you realize that even the smallest things can be bigger than they seem. Offer more than we expect them to.”
“That’s very poetic,” I say.
“I know, right?” Mia says.
The doorway darkens when Robby kneels down. “Kwe kwe, madòdison. Wàwàsamòg Kekinàmàgedji nidijinikaz. Màg dodem.”
I watch his silhouetted form until he blends in with the darkness. I hear him shuffle toward me. He stops a good distance away. I wonder if I’ve moved too far into the lodge? What would happen if I were to sit in a doorway? Probably nothing. I need to calm down. It’s not like there’s power here. At least, not the same kind that I’ve become used to with Nanabush. This is different. I’m here for myself. To try to heal.
And to try to find him.
Thomas follows Robby after taking off his jacket, shirt, and shoes. The light might be dim, but I can still tell that he’s well-built. I don’t know how he finds the time to work out between running his great-great-grandfather’s crooked company and trying to take over my damn quarry.
Star-man claps his hands once to get our attention. “Okay, den! Everyone’s in. Are yiz comfortable?”
“Hey,” says Mia’s dad, bending down so that he can peer into the lodge at Thomas and Robby. “Take the drums and the shakers. Yiz’ll need them for songs.”
“Do I pass them around?” asks Thomas.
Mia’s dad nods. “Yeah, just keep giving things to Robby until I stop handing you stuff.”
“Oh, okay,” says Thomas. “I can do that. Here, Robby.”
“Thanks,” he replies as he takes the first drum in his hands.
The instruments are passed around the circle so that we each get one. I’m given a shaker. It feels like it’s made from a tortoise shell. I go to give a few test shakes, but Robby’s already handing me a bucket of water. It’s cold to the touch and heavy. I hand it to Mia to pass down to Star-man.
“Okay! Looks like we are finally all set to sweat, ahn! Yiz are nice and ready, so it’s time to bring in the madònewàbik—our first four stones. We welcome dis first group into de lodge wit warm greetings.” The elder leans forward onto his hands so that he can stick his head out the door. He calls to the fire-keeper for the stones.
Mia’s dad follows the cedar trail to the lodge as he brings the stones to us. One at a time, he carries them balanced carefully on a pitchfork. We greet each stone as it comes through the Eastern doorway and is placed gently into the hole dug in the centre of the lodge. The stones are so hot that they almost glow. The last stone splits in half, revealing its orange centre. Heat radiates off them and slowly begins to fill the lodge.
“We honour our four directions with dese first four stones. Each one represents a direction,” says Star-man. “Take some of dat cedar dat we jus’ passed around and sprinkle it onto the stones. Hullo, ancestors!”
The cedar lights up briefly before burning away.
Star-man calls out to the fire-keeper again, and three more stones are added to the glowing pile. The heat builds.
“Now we have seven beautiful stones in our lodge,” continues Star-man. “Seven is an important number to the Anishnaabeg as it represents our Seven Grandfather Teachings. A lot, a lot of people like to tink dat dem teachings is like a religion and dat is wrong. You see, de way we choose to live our lives is by honouring those teachings. If we follow dem teachings, then we can say that we are living the ‘Good Life.’ Can anyone tell me what the Seven Grandfather Teachings are?”
“Honesty, respect, love, bravery, humility, wisdom,” says Robby. He pauses and grumbles. “Dang, I can never remember them all.”
“Anyone else want to take a crack at it?” asks Star-man. “Mia?”
“Beats me,” she says. “Seven’s a lot to try to keep track of.”
“Truth,” I say, turning my face toward the doorway, where I know Thomas is sitting. “The last one is truth.”
“Dat’s the one!” Star-man says. “Might even be the most important. Because without truth, dere can be no meaning. Now we welcome the Seven Teachings into the lodge. Hullo, Grandfathers!”
There’s a chorus of greetings as we toss more of our cedar bits onto the rocks.
Star-man calls out to the fire-keeper one final time, telling him to close the door.
Seated where I am, almost directly across from the entrance, I watch as Mia’s dad unravels the tarp and lets it fall over the doorway. The light is swallowed up immediately and we’re in total darkness. The lodge feels like it’s shrinking in on me. I open my eyes wider, as if that can somehow help me see. Beside me, Robby is breathing evenly. He sounds so relaxed. I close my eyes, try to take some control back, make it seem like I’m in charge of the dark surrounding me. My mouth is pasty and dry from the hot air. I wish I had something to drink. Everything starts to feel too close. I drop my hands by my sides, dig my fingers into the ground. There’s pressure at the tips of my fingers as dirt settles beneath my nails.
Then the smell of the air changes. Wood. Earthy musk, sweet and warm. I open my eyes in time to see the cinders of bear root twinkle like stars on the heat of the rocks. The dying orange glow from the burning osha root brings light to the faces of everyone in the lodge before it fizzles out, leaving us all in complete darkness once more.
Star-man begins to hum as he throws water onto the rocks. They hiss and sizzle and pop as the water changes to steam, filling the air with its heat and moisture. Collectively, we breathe in deeply, letting the steam fill our lungs, and slowly we breathe out, exhaling with a sigh.
“Ho-kah,” comes Star-man’s gentle voice. “I want to start with a welcome song. If you know it, sing with me. But if you don’t, dat’s fine. Just listening is someting we people seem to have forgotten.”
The sound of four drumbeats reverberates inside the lodge, sending vibrations into my chest. Star-man settles into a steady rhythm, and Robby and Mia join in. The drumming surrounds me and I close my eyes, letting the sounds and the heat of the air wash over me. Star-man sings the first line of the song, sending a call into the lodge. Robby and Mia join in to give the answer. Their voices sing in chorus. It’s beautiful. But I hear something else. A hum beneath their clear, strong voices. Someone is speaking and it sounds like thunder.
* * *
It was Sôginijiwin who called me in here, and now it is Sôginijiwin who I stand in front of. Even in my tall, two-legged body, I’m small. Dwarfed by the might of the Seven. Inside this great teepee, I know that I am not safe. There’s something about the way they look at me that tells me so. Indifference? Yes, that’s it. They look at me with an indifference that tells me that to them, I am “less than.” I am not one of their charges, so they do not give me pity or true kindness. But I am also not one of their enemies, so they do not give me hatred or disgust. Right now, I am their tool, their weapon. Their way of reaching into the other side without having to go there themselves. Something they cannot do without some form of sacrifice. I have some power in this exchange. I’m the right hand of the Seven, after all. What can a hand do? It gives and takes. It can make a fist.
