How to burn a rainbow, p.1
How to Burn a Rainbow, page 1
My Gay Marriage Didn’t Make Me Whole, My Divorce Did
by
Karl Dunn
DISCLAIMER:
This is the story of my divorce, from my perspective. All the dialogue and interactions are recounted to the best of my recollection and through the lens of my own experience. Several names and other identifying characteristics have been changed to protect the identity of those who were supporting characters in my story.
How To Burn A Rainbow
Copyright © 2024 by Karl Dunn. All rights reserved.
No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.
ISBN 979-8-89316-004-8 (Paperback)
ISBN 979-8-89316-005-5 (Ebook)
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After returning to LA from his brother’s wedding, Karl Dunn was determined–2008 was the year he would finally meet The One.
So Karl set out on “Operation Husbandhunt” ending up on ten sometimes tragic, sometimes hilarious dates in Tinseltown as he searched in vain to find the right guy…
Until date #11 when he met his future ex-husband.
And he ignored every red flag along the way, especially his own...
For Brian,
without you, this book would never have been started.
For Uli,
without you, this book would never have been finished.
A HUMBLE REQUEST FROM THE AUTHOR
Before I decided to publish How To Burn A Rainbow independently, I spent years writing into the abyss of publishing houses and agents. No Reply is the new No. Without that kind of industry backing, it’s a long, slow, and expensive process to get a book out there in the world.
I can’t tell you how happy I am that this book has found you. So if anything in it touches or helps you, I humbly ask that you do me a favor.
Please post about How To Burn A Rainbow on your social feeds. Put the cover and your review in posts or videos using the hashtags below.
Your posts and reviews matter. They teach the algorithms to push the book to more people who are looking for something like it. Which means that you can play a vital role in the ongoing success and reach of How To Burn A Rainbow.
I thank you in advance, and hope you see yourself somewhere in the pages here.
—Karl
#KarlDunn #HowToBurnARainbow #MemoirWriting #OwnVoice
#LGBTQ #Divorce #GayDivorce #GayMarriage #GayCulture #GayPride
#QueerLiterature #QueerBooks #NewBookAlert #GayAuthor
#SelfHealing #SelfLove #LoveIsLove #LifeAfterDivorce #LifeLessons
#BookTok #Bookstagram
Contents
Introduction
Chapter 1
The Honeymoon
Myriam’s Law
An Accidental Angel
Time Is The One Ingredient You Can’t Fake
Chapter 2
The Beginning Of The End
Who Do I Tell?
Wait… Do I Need To Get A Divorce?
I’m Sorry, I Tried
Write Your Intention, And Don’t Try For A Cookie
The Legals
The Offer
One Ring To Wreck Them All
Chapter 3
The Voice And The Chorus
This Is How Not To Hire Lawyers
You Leave When You Have Nothing Left To Learn
My Dreams Come In Waves
The Crisis Of Identity
Chapter 4
My Brother Gives Me The Gift Of Time
Everything You Post Can And Will Be Used Against You In A Court Of Law
The Friend Filter
The Financials And My Underwear Drawer
Let The Lying Begin
Welcome Home
Chapter 5
I’ve Chosen The Explorer’s Life
You Got Engaged?!
Jesus, Are We Getting Divorced Now?
Here’s Your Car, And Some Truth
This Is How It Feels To Be Karl Today
The Past Haunts Me. And Vice Versa
The Emotions Diary
The Head Is Faster Than The Heart
Look For The Signs
What Do I Do With The Rage?
Chapter 6
October 2017
Charles Darwin And The Theory Of Divorceolution
A Visit From The Husband And A Visit To The Lawyers
You’re Already Free And You’re Missing It
How Long Were You Happy For?
Every Dog Has Its Day In Court
Straight Divorced Guys Are Your New Best Friends
You Need To Shut The Divorce Up
Do A Fourth Step. Then A Fifth. Then Remember Your Golden Moment.
Chapter 7
Vegan Special And A Broken Leg
For You, Not Against Him
I Don’t Care What Happens To Me
Do I Still Have A Pulse?
My Girlfriend Francine
Let The Real Divorce Begin
Road Trips And Regret
Chapter 8
Why Kevin Died
Bye Frannie, It’s Been An Honor
Freedom Isn’t Free
Expectations Will Kill You
I’m Dreaming Of A White Post-Xmas
Loneliness Vs Aloneness
I Get A Second Divorce
Jealousy, Xmas Dinners, And Land Mines
Chapter 9
Berlin
Money Makes The World Go Down
Write Your Manifesto
New Year, Old Me
Why Did I Get Married?
Top Five Reasons Why I Got Married
Money Can’t Buy You Chocolate Cake
Your Flight Back To That Unholy Mess Is Now Boarding
Chapter 10
Primary And Secondary Emotions
My Husband Has A New Boyfriend
My Dick Doesn’t Work
Happiness Isn’t A Right Or A Recipe, It’s A Habit
You Need To Do Something With All This Ugly
Chapter 11
Pack Your Boxes. All Your Boxes.
Why Am I Meeting You Now, Martin?
The Wind Down
The Three-Legged Dog
The Rest Of Your Life Is Now Boarding
Chapter 12
Berlin. Again.
Physically, Emotionally, And Legally Speaking, You’re Screwed
Hi Gunnar. It’s Me.
Money, Money, Always The Stupid Money
This Is How You Hire A Lawyer
The Best Things In Life Aren’t Things
Chapter 13
The Disappearance Of John Hare
The Crying Tree
Berlin Will Offer You More Than You Can Imagine
Stop Hiding, Start Building
Evolution Is A Messy Business
The Court Is Now In Session
Surrender At The Tv Tower
One Beer And An Apartment Please, Barman
Chapter 14
Would You Ever Get Married Again?
So What Is This Marriage Thing, Exactly?
Divorce Needs A Divorce
The Right To A Gay Divorce
I Don’t Want A Prenuptial, I Want A Pre-Equitable
Get Your Hands Out Of My Pockets
Chapter 15
I Thought My Best Would Be Better Than This
Patience And Perfection
The Gay Way Back Machine
There Is A Warrant Out
I Get Out Of Jail
August 2018
Are We Friending?
We Are Beginning Our Descent
The Epiphany
Suddenly, It All Made Sense
The End?
Chapter 16
Leaving The Temple
Back To The Past
Let’s Go To Court. Again.
The Last Word
Make Friends With Normal
Tear Down Old Statues
The End Of The Statue Era
Chapter 17
Learning To Live In Peacetime
December 2018
Where’s Your Line?
A Life Without Grace
Back To The Puddle, Then To The Ocean
You Don’t Need Other People To Have Sex, It’s Already
In You
Chapter 18
Goodbye John
Cut The Head Off Buddha
The Rest Of The Year
Acknowledgments
Footnotes
INTRODUCTION
G’day. I’m Karl.
This is the story of my divorce.
Actually the divorce was just the inciting incident. The bigger and more important story is that it sent me on a journey to figure out who I really was.
If this book has found you, maybe it’s be
However, my divorce was also the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Mostly because of what I decided to do with it. But we’ll get to that.
Even if you’re not getting divorced, or not even LGBTQ+, this book is also for you. It’s the story of a human being, who went through a human experience. Someone who, in just a few months, went from a high-flying advertising career and a loft house in the LA Hills to sleeping on an air mattress in a former squat in Berlin—in a room with no electricity, with a busted leg, and a few hundred dollars left to their name. Someone who ended up wondering what the hell they had done with their entire life.
One thing people asked me a lot when I was writing this book was, “Isn’t a gay divorce the same as a straight divorce?” In a word, no.
There are tons of books on divorce written by heterosexuals. But if the book was written by a man, it generally came down on his side, her side if it was written by a woman. Neither camp spoke to me.
For starters, I wasn’t dealing with a battle of the sexes. My husband was from Mars and so was I.
Plus, none of these books spoke to the kinds of loss I felt either.
Like the loss of social standing. It wasn’t just the recognition and kudos of being married; I’d also lost the new and powerful feeling of equality in the straight world that the ring on my left hand had magically conferred on me.
Gone too was my hiding place in the gay community. When my work life got on top of me, I could always go out, have a gay old time, and lose myself for a night. Now total strangers would walk up in bars and ask, “Are you the one getting a divorce?”
By far the biggest loss I dealt with was from my failure. Yes, I’d failed in my marriage, but I also felt that I’d spectacularly failed the cause. We fought so hard for the right to marry. It was a landmark moment in US civil rights. My husband and I were part of history. And my divorce seemed to me like a total mockery of that, like I’d taken a machete to the wedding cake of every other gay couple about to walk down the aisle—or worse, like we’d never deserved the right in the first place.
After a fruitless hunt for a gay divorce book, my online searches found only the odd unhelpful article and a lot of ads from lawyers eager to represent divorcing gays. There was next to nada on what to expect emotionally and mechanically. As subjects go, gay divorce was a desert. And I was a broken unicorn walking blindly through it.
So I decided to write a book about it myself. It started as a private video diary to chronicle what I was going through. It turned into advice I handed out to other divorcing gays on late-night calls after they were put in touch with me. Then finally I showed some entries to a friend of mine, Brian, who said, “Y’all need to put this in a book, queen.” And so here we are.
Like everyone encountering divorce for the first time, I went through a massive learning curve on the law. Plus, I discovered a ton of practical stuff about how to handle yourself while going through a divorce—all things I wished I’d known at the start. I made a ton of expensive mistakes, embarrassed myself at work and with friends, and tried to choke answers out of completely the wrong people and places. Hopefully, if you’re reading this book, you won’t have to repeat my blunders.
I also had to figure out my attitudes to love, relationships, and marriage, something I didn’t do enough of before I tied the knot. Now, having been through a divorce as well, I believe there are a lot of questions LGBTQ+ folks should be asking about the whole institution: why we raced to get married, what we expected it to be, and why it’s such legal torture for anyone to get out of it.
Along the way, I was lucky enough to meet a lot of smart, empathetic, and generous people who shared their own stories and wisdom—gay, straight, bi, queer, trans, male, female, young and old. Their advice changed my life. Saved it sometimes. Some were friends I’d known for decades, some were there for a season, and some for just a conversation. For many reasons, I’ve changed the names of nearly everyone in this book. They’re all real, but many wanted to remain ungoogleable. After all they did for me, it’s the least I can do in return.
One thing I must say before we get into the story is that it is just that—a story. Told from my perspective, and from a time when I was under an enormous amount of pressure, stress, and upheaval. It’s written to the best of my recollection. That said, some people and elements have been deliberately fictionalized for brevity and consistency.
The life-changing lessons I learned, however, are 100% true. And I hope they will be helpful to you too.
I don’t really know what genre this book fits into. It’s a memoir but also has a lot of self-help, travel, pop-culture analogies, references to authors I adore, anecdotes, spirituality, practical knowledge, analysis and essay, and is also a little cinematic at times.
I hope you find it to be a glorious buffet, because that’s what life is like at its best—and even at its worst.
As for the title How To Burn A Rainbow, I’d followed every script the gay world and straight world gave me. I dutifully chased the rainbow. Yet I never found that elusive golden pot of happiness. Then, without realizing what I was starting, I set it all on fire. But I will never regret striking the match—because the further I went along this journey, the more I became the person I’d always wanted to be.
My marriage didn’t make me whole, my divorce did.
CHAPTER 1
“Sounds to me like you might be suffering from premature enlightenment.”
— John
JUNE 2016
THE HONEYMOON
I was lying in bed in the hotel where Gunnar and I were staying on our honeymoon.
We’d had to wait a whole year after the wedding for me to get a month off work and to save enough money for the European extravaganza that we’d dreamed of. It had kicked off in Vienna, and if I didn’t know that by the mountain of pastries we’d inhaled over the last few days, or the ornate yellow-and-white corniced ceilings I was looking up at, the horse-drawn carriages clacking among the cars on the cobblestone streets outside were the dead giveaway.
The hotel’s cotton sheets and duvet over the ridiculously comfy mattress literally begged you to stay in bed all day, and I was seriously considering doing just that as I thumbed the wedding ring on my finger and wondered how life had led me here. Gay, married, and cocooned in five-star European opulence. Ten-year-old me, experiencing his first terrified suspicions that he was different, would never in his wildest dreams have imagined anything like this.
As I lay there, I replayed our entire relationship. Then I hit the pause button on one day with Gunnar in particular. It was the happiest I’d ever remembered us being together. Actually, it was the happiest I’d ever remembered being, period.
It was a wedding. Not ours, though. Like many people had warned me, our wedding day—which was wonderful—had sprinted by in an anxious blur of fuzzy moments. “Spend the money on a photographer,” I was told. “It’s the only way you’ll ever remember it.”
The day I was thinking of, this golden moment, was our friends’ wedding in their lovely backyard garden in LA. Gunnar and I had a rule with events—dress up, show up. So we were among the first to arrive with presents in hand, turned out in summer suits, with beards combed and shoes shining. We loved getting parties started. It was a joyous little mitzvah of ours. Secretly we were both introverts, but together, we were the Wonder Twins; we just also liked to be in bed with the cat by 10:30 p.m.
Post-ceremony, meal, and speeches, the bride and groom had their first dance. At that awkward moment when it becomes obvious that others should be joining the couple on the floor, I looked over at Gunnar. My God, I thought, he’s so beautiful. He was 6’3”, like me, and built like a linebacker, unlike me. The only thing I loved more than him dressed up was him completely naked. The thickness of his legs, the girth of his trunk, the shoulders that could hug a whole planet happy. He was hairy in all the right places, had a smile that shone through his magnificent beard, and those blue-green Swedish eyes.
Those eyes…
It’s such an icky cliché to say you could get lost in someone’s eyes, but Gunnar’s were the forest lakes I would fall into. No map, no compass.
