She shakes her head, still not looking up, merely turning and putting the first tray of cookies in the oven. “Anyone with two eyes can see the way you look at her. And the way she looks at you. I don’t know what the big deal is, but I’m assuming it’s because of her brother. Athena has mentioned how overprotective he is.”

  “It’s a huge deal, Mom. If there’s any chance of me playing here one more season, I can’t afford to be some kind of cancer in the locker room. That’s what I’m known for, so it wouldn’t be a big stretch for me to take on that role here, no matter how hard I’ve tried to change.”

  She wipes her hands and looks at me. “Are you serious about her? Are you in love with her? Do you picture yourself with her long-term?”

  “I…don’t know.”

  “Then you need to figure it out.”

  “It hasn’t even been two months.”

  “Please.” She waves an impatient hand. “When you know, you know. You don’t immediately have to get engaged or married, but you know. I’ve never seen you look at anyone the way you look at her. Not even on your wedding days.”

  Ouch.

  Another pang of guilt. Because I was infatuated with both of my wives, but in retrospect, I wasn’t in love with either of them.

  “You don’t have to tell me, but once you have the answers to those questions—about your feelings and whether or not you can see yourself with her long-term—you’ll find it fairly easy to resolve all the issues.”

  “It’s way more complicated than that.”

  “It’s not. If you love her, and she loves you, then it’s simple. You go to Bodi, man to man, sit him down and say, ‘I love your sister and I’m going to take care of her.’ In whatever way you and Billie decide.”

  “Mom, she needs to be here. She’s got this awesome opportunity.” I explain about Nita and the diner franchise. “On top of that, in the grand scheme of life, I don’t have a pot to piss in. What do I have to offer a woman like her?”

  “You’re smart, strong, and hard-working. Believe it or not, there will be life after hockey. You can coach, work in the back office of a team, become a scout or whatever they’re called. You could use your degree to go into teaching or a position that will allow you to coach at a high school or college level. There are a zillion options for you.”

  “She’s young.”

  “Does her age bother you?”

  “Not in general, but…” I huff out a breath. “She’s twenty-two. I don’t think she wants kids now, but what about in ten years? I’ll be in my mid-forties.”

  “So? What does that have to do with anything? You’ll still be strong and in good health. And don’t give me any of that ‘you don’t know that for sure’ shit. Of course not. We could get hit by a bus tomorrow too. We’re not talking about the random things that happen. Just life in general. You’ll be a great dad if you decide to go that route.”

  Why does she have a reasonable answer to everything? I really thought she’d be trying to talk me out of dating Billie.

  Of course, there’s one last issue that’s pretty insurmountable in my book.

  “I don’t want to stay in L.A.”

  There.

  I said it.

  Not to Billie, who’s the one I should be having this conversation with, but at least to someone.

  “I see.” Mom turns away again, pulling out another cookie sheet. “Well, that’s something only you and Billie can decide. Is she not willing to move?”

  “I just told you about the diner opportunity.”

  “And you’re not willing to stay? Even for a few years, while she gets her career going?”

  I hesitate. That’s an option I hadn’t considered. Now I’m a little frustrated and a lot more confused. “I don’t know. You know how I feel about it here.”

  She shrugs. “You’ve always run away from your feelings, Rome. It’s not about Los Angeles, per se, it’s about our relationship. Missing your father. The two failed marriages and associated bad behavior that makes you feel like you aren’t worthy of love.”

  “Jesus, Ma.” I groan.

  My mother rarely gets that deep when we talk, so it’s unusual for her to say something so insightful.

  Especially when she’s right.

  “I know. You don’t like when I butt in, but you came to me today.” She pauses and fixes one of those motherly gazes on me that still makes me squirm. Just a little.

  “I did, and I do want to hear your thoughts. Because my own are a jumbled mess.”

  “I think deep down you know what you want but you’re scared. And I don’t blame you. Two divorces. Six teams in ten years. Losing your dad. The way your sister took Denise’s side in the divorce. How worried you are about your financial future. I understand all of that, but at the same time, I’m something of an outsider looking in. And from where I’m sitting, everything is different with Billie.

  “She doesn’t care that you’re a hockey star. She’s not interested in your money⁠—”

  “Because I don’t have any,” I mutter.

  She rolls her eyes and continues. “She’s smart, independent, and doesn’t seem at all intimidated by the age gap, her brother’s feelings, or anything else. All she appears to care about is you. I think that’s special.”

  “It is.”

  My mother wipes her hands and comes around the counter, putting a warm hand on my cheek. “You’re my firstborn. My only son. The sunshine in my life from the moment I gave birth to you. Yet you fight the good inside of you, and I’m not sure why. But it’s there, son. And all your dreams can come true if you just let them.”

  Why does that feel like a punch to the gut?

  I’m my own worst enemy, no doubt about that, but it’s hard to hear it from one of the only two people who possibly know me better than I know myself—my mother and Billie.

  Chapter 29

  Billie

  Exhaustion has started to set in but I don’t have time to slow down. The countdown to graduation is on, I’m working at the diner almost every day in between classes and working on my final projects. Rome and I try to grab lunch or breakfast or anything we can, but the sneaking around has begun to grate on both of our nerves.

  On top of that, with each passing day, his injury is healing so he’ll be back to hockey before we know it. And that means we’ll see even less of each other.

  The Phantoms made it to the playoffs, which is a big deal after the bus accident last year prevented many of the guys from being able to participate. For me, it’s a double-edged sword because if the accident hadn’t happened, Bodi and Blake would probably still be playing for the Rebels. Still be broke. Still be fighting every day for a dream that was probably never going to come true.

  Until it did.

  That’s partly why I’m trying so hard not to blow everything up.

  There will definitely be hurt and anger once I tell Bodi the truth.

  His response will bleed into Rome’s life, and that’s another situation.

  Trying to piece everything together makes my head hurt so I’ve put it all out of my mind until both hockey season, and maybe even my school year, are over. Frankly, I can’t take on anything else.

  I know it’s the best decision for all of us short-term, but it’s really fucking hard.

  Especially today.

  It’s Easter Sunday and the Phantoms have a family day happening at the arena. There’s an egg hunt in a small part of the stands for the smaller kids, open ice skating for everyone else, and a booth set up with coffee, hot chocolate, cider, and donuts.

  Meanwhile, I’m sitting here with a pair of borrowed ice skates unable to move.

  Bodi told me I didn’t have to come but I wanted to. I hate that he thinks I’m somehow going to be corrupted by hanging out with his teammates and their families, even though there’s a tiny bit of truth to it now that I’m involved with Rome.

  “Hey, beautiful.” His voice is soft, close to my ear.

  “Hi.” I don’t look at him, just continue staring out at the ice longingly.

  “Come on. Get your skates on.”

  “I can’t.”

  “You can. You will. Don’t make me squat down and lace them up for you right here in front of everyone.”

  I whip my gaze to his. “Don’t you dare!”

  “Put the skates on, baby.”

  No one can hear us over the music and laughter of the children, but I still look around for Bodi. Luckily, he’s on the ice with Rowan and Blake.

  “I’m…nervous. This is about more than whether or not I can. It’s about everything I lost. My parents. My dreams. My future.”

  “That’s exactly why you have to put them on.”

  “Hello, sweetheart.” Rome’s mom settles on my other side. “I hear you might be a little nervous about skating.”

  I nod.

  “Well, I’ve never ice skated in my life, so if I can do it, you can do it.” She pauses, kind eyes exactly like her son’s fixed on mine. “Shall we try together?”

  I blink back a tear.

  “Y-yes. Okay.” I look down at the skates with trepidation.

  “I won’t let you fall,” Rome breathes in my ear. “And with my mom with us, he won’t suspect anything.

  Somehow, with Mrs. Castellano urging and gently nudging me along, I get them on my feet.

  “Your body knows what to do,” Rome reminds me. “All you have to do is pay attention.”

  “Bodi told me not to skate today.” I manage a small laugh. “So of course, I’m going to do the opposite.”

  Rome holds out his hands—one to me and one to his mom.

  “Come on, you two.”

  We clomp down to the ice, and I let Mrs. Castellano go first. She steps on the ice and swings her arms wildly before Rome steadies her.

  “Easy, Ma. Just hold the boards and get used to how it feels.”

  “It feels like this was a terrible idea,” she grumbles.

  “It’s not so bad if you glide,” I say automatically. “Don’t try to walk—that’s a disaster. Just push off with one foot and glide.” To my complete astonishment, I step onto the ice and demonstrate.

  I only go a couple of feet but then the realization of what I’ve done hits me and I start to go down, but Rome is right there, arm around my waist.

  “Easy. You did fine. Stop thinking. Let your body take over.”

  I pull in a sharp breath. “Okay. I’ve got this.” I glide over to the boards next to his mom and focus on her. “You okay?”

  “I’m fifty-six years old and probably going to break a hip or something, so no, I’m not okay!” She makes a grumpy face.

  “Want to hold my hand?” I offer.

  “How about I hold each of your hands?” Rome suggests.

  His mother and I nod in unison, so he takes our hands and we glide forward.

  A million thoughts race through my mind as we move, but the anticipated emotional pain doesn’t come. Instead, it’s just memories.

  I remember my mom teaching both Bodi and me to skate. Following Bodi around at the rink as he started playing hockey. The pride my parents felt every time I performed a routine, even if I fell or didn’t get a good score.

  Mostly, I remember how much I loved it.

  That part of my life is over but now I can think back on it without crying. And remember the good parts.

  “Hey, Billie!” Stevie skates over to us.

  “Hi!” I grin at her. “My first time on the ice since my car accident. It’s cathartic.” I opt to keep details to a minimum.

  “Oh, yay! I’m proud of you.”

  I’m just about to thank her when Mrs. Castellano loses her balance. I let go of Rome’s hand automatically, so he can focus on her, and he manages to catch her.

  “Oops!” She giggles in Stevie’s direction. “My first time on skates ever.”

  “You’re doing great!” Stevie tells her.

  Rome introduces them just as Bodi comes skating across the ice, his eyes narrowed. “Billie! What are you doing?”

  “Skating.” I smile sweetly.

  “She’s doing good,” Mrs. Castellano says emphatically. “Better than me.”

  “Uh…” Bodi looks confused but then turns back to me. “I thought we agreed you weren’t going to skate today?”

  “You decided that.” I shake my head softly, hoping I don’t look as irritated as I feel. I’ll argue with him all day long in private, but I don’t want to embarrass him in front of his teammates. “I needed to rip the bandage off. I can’t let the past shape my future. And I’m fine—look at me!”

  He swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing nervously. I know he’s afraid for me and my irritation wanes a little.

  “Really, I’m good.”

  “I know… I just wish you’d… waited for me.”

  “My fault,” Mrs. Castellano says, wrinkling her nose. “I was afraid to get out here on my own so then I suggested Rome bring us out together. That way I wouldn’t feel as stupid.”

  “It’s okay.” Bodi’s tone and entire demeanor relax a little. “I just worry. She shattered her leg in the car accident, so even though the doctors said she’s fine, I guess there’s a part of me worried it’ll break again. I know it’s irrational.”

  I blink, trying to hide my surprise.

  Bodi has never admitted his fears are irrational, so this is a big step for him.

  “How long ago?” Stevie asks softly.

  “Seven years,” I say. “So it’s beyond time for me to get back on the ice. Besides, I’ve been on roller skates at the diner for over a month now.”

  “Roller skates?” Bodi stares at me. “What are you talking about?”

  “You never listen to me,” I say, making an exaggerated effort to sigh dramatically, which makes everyone laugh. “My waitressing job is on roller skates. Fifties diner theme. Ring any bells?”

  Bodi actually grimaces. “I think somewhere in my subconscious I blocked out that part because I would freak out if I acknowledged it.”

  “Skate with me, big brother.” I figure if there’s any time to make some headway, it’s now. I grab his arm and tug him away from the others.

  “I saw you holding Rome’s hand,” he growls as soon as we’re out of earshot.

  “Oh, Bodi. For fuck’s sake, stop it. He had me on one side and his mom on the other. What did you think was happening there? She and I were commiserating about how nervous we were to get on the ice and he promised he wouldn’t let either of us fall. Seriously, stop being a jerk.”

  He sighs. “I just don’t want you to⁠—”

  “Yes, I know,” I interrupt, getting irritated all over again. “You don’t want me to sleep with a hockey player and get my heart broken. Blah blah fucking blah. But you want a news flash? It’s too late. I slept with one of your teammates in Phoenix. And guess what? I’m fine. Everything is fine. It wasn’t the end of the world.”

  “You slept with someone in Phoenix?” He turns to skate backwards, watching my face. “Who was it?!”

  I laugh. “Not in a million years.”

  “What the fuck, Billie?” He’s mad now, and I kind of wish I’d waited for a better time to taunt him.

  “You act like I’m this innocent little angel, and I’m not. I’ve had a lot of fun in college and plan to continue in life. You think you’re the only one who gets to go out on dates, hook up with people, and get drunk? Is it because you’re a guy, a hockey player, or something else?” I fold my arms across my chest.

  “It’s because I want you to do better than me!” he snaps.

  “Better how? You’re smart, hard-working, and a professional athlete. Not to mention a really incredible older brother. How much better than you do I need to be? And why is the bar so high? Is there some sort of sin attached to enjoying life?”

  “I don’t know!” His voice rises and he shakes his head in obvious frustration. “I don’t want to fight with you. Not here anyway.”

  “I don’t want to fight with you anywhere. And if it’s going to be like this, I’m going to move out as soon as I graduate.”

  His face hardens. “Didn’t you already try that?”

  “I did and I screwed up! You know what that’s called? Learning from your mistakes. Growing up. Maturing. And you know what it’s called when your big brother comes to the rescue? Family… love… does any of that resonate with you?”

  He doesn’t respond. “I don’t know what you want from me, Billie.”

  “I want us to be equals. I mean, I know I can’t match you financially, but can’t we just hang out sometimes? Go get a beer and watch a baseball game? When was the last time we had fun together, Bodi?”

  “It’s not my job to be your friend.”

  I frown. “You’re not my father. You’re my brother.”

  “In our case, it’s the same thing.” With that, he turns and skates away, leaving me feeling both hurt and angry.

  So much for making headway.

  Chapter 30

  Rome

  “Welcome back, Rome!”

  Marty is the first person to shake my hand when I get to the locker room on my first official day back. I got the go-ahead from my doctor last week and started skating with the team, and today I get to participate in a full practice. Depending on how I feel once I’m playing full contact, I should be ready for the first playoff game.

  It’s not my first playoff game but this series might be my last so I’m trying to be present, both physically and mentally.

  “Hey, man.” I nod in his direction.

  “Good to see you!” Gabe calls out. “How’s the leg?”

  “Feeling better,” I respond. “And anxious to get back at it.”

  A few other guys say hello and it’s good to be in the thick of things. I didn’t realize how much I would miss hockey until I was away from it for nearly two months. Having Billie in my life made up for a lot, but the injury left me with a slightly different set of goals. Instead of looking toward retirement, now I’m geared up to prove myself so I can play another year. I always wanted that but deep down I’d convinced myself it wasn’t going to happen.

  Now it feels like there’s a chance.

 

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