Do it for the crowd, p.11
Do It for the Crowd, page 11
much to be done about it. She shoved the guilt down deep in her chest and
headed for the table.
“Hi,” she said as she slid into the chair opposite her mom.
“Hi,” her mom repeated, her eyes skating up until they met Gabby’s.
“I’m glad you could make it.”
Gabby fought down the urge to apologize for being late, swallowed
hard, and instead said, “Yeah. So, how are things with you?”
Her mom blinked at the abrupt change of topic. For one painful
moment, Gabby thought she might push the matter or refuse to answer, but
then she lifted one shoulder in a shrug. “Not bad. I’ve got a gig bagging
groceries at the supermarket these days. It’s not anything glamorous, but it’s
something to keep me busy.”
They lapsed into awkward silence, and Gabby was grateful when she
heard the barista call her name. She practically leaped out of her chair to go
retrieve her drink, then took as long as was humanly possible to add the
cream and sugar. When she had exhausted every excuse to delay returning
to the table, she reluctantly picked up her cup and made her way back over.
Her mom cleared her throat, her face twisted into an uncomfortable
expression. “What about you? How are things going?”
Gabby almost laughed out loud at the question. It was like a sad parody
of what a mother-daughter relationship should be like, both of them stuck
trying to cram fifteen years worth of life into a sterile two sentence
summary. There was really no way that Gabby could even dream of
answering the question honestly without opening multiple conversation
topics she would just as soon avoid, so she settled for a vague response.
“Things are fine. Busy, but that’s not a bad thing.”
The silence returned with a vengeance. Gabby stared down at her coffee
like it held all the secrets of the universe and wondered what the hell she’d
been thinking to agree to this meeting. Why had she thought this was a
good idea?
“It really is good to see you.”
Her mom’s voice jolted her, and Gabby looked up at her.
“I, ah, wasn’t sure you were actually going to come here today.”
“I almost didn’t,” Gabby replied honestly. She winced at the flash of
surprised hurt that crossed her mom’s face and squelched the impulse to
take her words back. It was the truth, and if they were ever going to move
beyond awkward silences and stilted questions, they were going to need
more than a little honesty.
Her mom blew out a breath on a rueful laugh. “I guess I already knew
that. Strange, you know. You’re my own daughter, but I feel like more of a
stranger than anything”
Gabby paused for a second to think about her response. She wasn’t
going to argue the point; it was an accurate assessment, uncomfortable
though it might be. But even though part of her reveled in the discomfort
her mom was clearly experiencing, the larger part of her didn’t want any
more unpleasantness than was necessary. If she genuinely wanted them to
move past things or have any semblance of a relationship —even just a
cordial acquaintanceship —then reminding her mom of how awful she had
been at every opportunity was probably not the best idea.
“It’s going to take time to get used to the idea of seeing you around
again,” Gabby said. “I’ve lived the majority of my adult life without you,
and you weren’t exactly super present when I left.” She saw her mom flinch
at the reminder but kept talking anyway. “I can’t promise you that I’m
going to be happy-go-lucky and thrilled to reconnect all the time, but I’m
willing to give this a try if you want.”
Her mom wiped at her eyes, which were suspiciously shiny, before
looking back at Gabby. “I would like that. I don’t expect us to have some
sort of picture-perfect relationship overnight, I know things were pretty bad
when you were a kid.” Gabby held back a snort at how seamlessly eighteen
years of pain and neglect could be condensed into a single sentence. “But I
want to give things a try and do better by you this time around.”
Gabby took a long sip of her drink to give herself time to think about
what to say next. “Maybe we can start by meeting up every couple of
weeks?” She didn’t want to relegate her mom to once a month meetings, but
she also knew without any doubt that she absolutely did not want to have to
see her mom on a weekly basis. Even the thought of it made her hackles
rise, so she hoped that every couple of weeks would be enough of a
compromise.
Her mom looked like she wanted to protest, but closed her mouth and
nodded after a second. “Sure. Whatever you think sounds best.”
Gabby pulled out her phone. “What’s your number?” Her mom rattled it
off and Gabby typed it into her contacts. She’d set up a Google voice
number ahead of the meeting just in case she decided to give her mom her
number. It would give her at least a little bit of a buffer in case things didn’t
go well, and it would hopefully prevent any hassle from her mom having
her actual direct cell phone number.
Her phone buzzed with an incoming call just as she was putting it back
down on the table. Her mom gave her a tight smile. “You can get that if you
want to. Just text me and we can find time to meet up again.”
Gabby nodded, trying not to look too eager at the out. “Thanks.” She
hesitated. She couldn’t bring herself to say ‘I love you,’ and even ‘It was
nice to see you’ rang false, but simply leaving without saying anything else
also felt wrong. “I’ll see you later,” she awkwardly mumbled as she stood
up from the table and stuck her phone in her pocket. Her mom gave her a
little wave, half rising out of her seat in what looked like a move to hug
Gabby before she thought better of it and sat back down. Gabby turned and
headed out of the coffee shop, trying to keep her stride steady so that it
wouldn’t look like she was fleeing.
She didn’t relax until she was out of the parking lot. Her whole body
collapsed back against the seat, a wave of exhaustion sweeping over her.
The whole meeting had taken half an hour tops, but she felt like she’d just
run a marathon. She pulled over so that she could check her phone to see
who had called. Claire’s name blinked back at her, and Gabby said a silent
thanks to whatever higher powers existed for saving her from an even
longer conversation with her mom as she pressed the button to call Claire
back.
She didn’t know where things with her mom were ultimately going to
end, but one thing was for sure: coming home was a lot more complicated
than she’d imagined.
Fourteen
Gabby
It was strange, how easily her entire world returned to revolving around
Diana. Ever since she’d left Santa Fe she’d been trying her best to avoid
thinking about her, but now it seemed as though she was everywhere.
The one place where Diana’s presence faded somewhat was when
Gabby was performing. Every Thursday and Saturday night, she climbed up
onto the small circular stage at the Bluebird Theater and sang. She liked to
play a mix of her own songs and covers, keeping things fresh for the
audiences with every show. She knew there were people who came more
than once, and she didn’t want them to get bored. She was many things, but
boring was not one of them.
It was soothing to be able to have some sort of outlet for her emotions.
Music had always been an escape for her, a way of giving voice to the
things that she would never otherwise be able to say out loud, and if she
sang a few more love songs than usual…well, she doubted anyone else was
the wiser.
In her younger days, she might have stayed past the end of each show to
socialize with fans and patrons in the nearby bars. Maybe it was because
she was getting older, or maybe it was just because she knew there was only
one person whose company she really wanted, but she found herself
ducking out of the venue in short order when she was done singing most
nights.
Her hasty escapes worked well enough until one Thursday night when
she ran into one of the staff at the venue —literally. She was looking down
at her phone, sending off a quick text to Diana (and that was another new
development that never ceased to warm her heart, that they could exchange
casual texts now about how their days were going and what they were up
to) and she walked straight into another person.
“I’m so sorry,” she mumbled, shoving her phone into her pocket. “I
wasn’t looking where I was going. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” the other person said. “I should have known better than to
get in your way when you were trying to clear out from the building.”
Gabby looked up and got her first look at the person she’d run into. It
was another woman, taller than her by a few inches with bright teal hair that
was plaited back from her face in a messy braid. Her eyebrow and lip
sported several piercings, and she grinned when she noticed Gabby looking.
“Holly Davis,” she said, holding out her hand.
Gabby shook it and wondered how she’d missed seeing whoever this
Holly person was backstage before.
“Gabby Torres,” she replied, then laughed. “But I guess you probably
already knew that if you’ve noticed my usual escape patterns. Do you work
here?”
Holly nodded. “Sure do. I run the stage lights for shows.”
Oh. That explained why she hadn’t seen her before. The box that the
stage light operator worked from was in a completely different part of the
venue from where Gabby spent most of her time.
“Well, it’s nice to meet you Holly, and I’m sorry again for running you
over. I really should have been paying more attention.”
“It’s fine, really.” Holly waved her off. “If I had to deal with the
potential for screaming fans following me, I would be focused on getting
out of here too.”
She looked at Gabby for a second, her gaze considering, then said,
“Want to grab a drink? There’s a bar not far from here that a bunch of us go
to sometimes, and they’re pretty low-key. If anyone tries to bother you
there, Bill will put a stop to it fast.”
A polite No thank you was on the tip of Gabby’s tongue, but then she
paused. It wasn’t like she was going to do anything other than sit on her
couch alone if she went straight home. And Holly seemed nice enough; she
was interesting, and neutral, and suddenly getting to do something that
wasn’t steeped in memories of her past mistakes seemed like the best idea
she’d had in a long time.
“Sure, why not?”
Holly grinned. “Didn’t think you had it in you. Come on, I’ll sneak you
out the back.”
* * *
True to her word, the bar was relaxed and lit by dim yellow overhead lights.
There was an interesting mix of people milling around, but none of them
gave Gabby a second look. It put her at ease, and she followed Holly over
to the bar.
“What will you have?” Holly asked as she waved at the bartender.
Gabby considered for a second. She still had to drive home afterwards,
which meant nothing too strong, but one drink would be fine as long as she
waited for a bit before leaving.
“Moscow mule,” she said. It was stupid, but she’d always enjoyed the
hammered copper mugs that the drink was delivered in. It was one of those
things that was both pretty and also functional.
If Holly was surprised by the order, she didn’t let on. “One Moscow
mule and a long island,” she said to the bartender. He nodded and turned to
begin making the drinks, leaving the two of them to their own devices.
“So, stage lights?” Gabby said. It felt strange to be making casual
conversation with a new person. So much of coming back to Santa Fe had
revolved around her reconnecting with people she’d known over a decade
before. To have someone sitting next to her who didn’t have any sort of
preconceived notions about who she was based on the past was odd, but she
thought she might not mind it.
“You don’t really want to talk about work, do you?” Holly asked with a
raised eyebrow. “I thought the whole point was escaping that.”
Gabby shrugged. She honestly wasn’t sure what else to talk about. Most
people had minimal interest in any conversation that didn’t revolve around
something related to her job. Making normal conversation about hobbies
wasn’t exactly something she did on a regular basis.
“What, don’t tell me you’re secretly shy,” Holly said teasingly. Gabby
chuckled and shook her head.
“Not shy. Just socially awkward. It’s been a while since someone has
wanted to just…I don’t know, get to know me, I guess.”
“Well, in that case, let me get us started, and I’m sure it’ll come back to
you in no time. Like riding a bicycle, or whatever metaphor you feel like
using.”
Gabby nodded and took a sip of her drink when the bartender slid it
across the counter to her. Her fingertip traced over the dimpled metal of the
cup before she refocused on what Holly was saying.
“…grew up in Phoenix, moved here when I was 24, and managed to con
the theater owner into hiring me on the spot.”
“Why would you move here?” Gabby asked, her nose crinkling. She
knew that it was an objectively nice town, but she still couldn’t quite
comprehend why someone would intentionally choose it if they’d grown up
somewhere else.
“I like the open space,” Holly said. “I don’t like feeling boxed in, you
know? Plus I love getting outside, and I don’t think I’ll ever run out of new
places to discover here.”
“Interesting choice of career for someone who doesn’t like being boxed
in,” Gabby commented with a raised eyebrow. Running lights meant being
boxed into a relatively small space for extended periods of time, which
seemed like the exact opposite of wanting open space.
Holly scoffed. “I’d think you of all people would know the difference
between personal and professional interests. And besides, we’re not talking
about work, remember?”
“Fair point.”
“Anyways, as I was saying,” she said, rolling her eyes, “Hiking,
swimming, camping —anything that gets me outside, and I’m there.” She
gave Gabby the same searching look that she had earlier. “You should come
sometime, it would be fun.”
“I don’t know —” Gabby enjoyed the beauty of the great outdoors as
much as the next person, but she definitely didn’t have the same level of
enthusiasm as Holly.
“There aren’t any crazy fans in the wilderness,” Holly said with a sly
smile, “Come on. What’s a single hike?”
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re just looking for an excuse to
spend more time with me.” Gabby meant it as a deflection, but to her
surprise, Holly just shrugged and winked at her.
“So what if I am?”
Gabby had several realizations simultaneously. First, that things had just
gotten unexpectedly complicated. Second, that she needed to find a way to
tell Holly that she wasn’t looking for that sort of thing. And third, that she
was totally, head over heels lovesick over Diana. Because here she was, a
gorgeous woman sitting in front of her who was clearly interested in her
and actively flirting, and it didn’t even cause a single spark. If anything, it
just made her miss Diana more.
“I’m, uh, not really looking for anything like that right now,” Gabby
said awkwardly. “Don’t get me wrong, you seem amazing, but —”
“Who is she?”
Gabby blinked, panic closing her throat before she realized that Holly
didn’t seem upset. A little disappointed, maybe, but she was watching her
with a knowing smile.
“It’s complicated,” Gabby said. That seemed about as effective of a
summary as she could give, and Holly sighed.
“Complicated or not, whoever she is, she’s a lucky woman.” She
swirled the ice around her drink before looking back up. “The offer still
stands, though. I hear that friends can go on hikes with no romantic or
sexual ulterior motives.”
A friend. It would be nice to have another person in her life who wasn’t
so enmeshed in all of the messiness. Besides, what was the worst that could
happen? If they didn’t click or she stopped having fun, at least she would
know that she’d tried. She didn’t want to put her entire life on hold waiting
