The christmas brides col.., p.18
The Christmas Brides Collection, page 18
He drove in silence. Somehow the Greens had been made privy to the goingson at the Lacy house. The mere thought made perspiration break out on his forehead, even with the cold December day. He thought he had done the right thing, remaining in the land of the living for Leah’s sake, even if it meant sharing information with the enemy. He did it so Leah wouldn’t grieve in some horrid black dress and thick veil covering her face like a storm cloud. But what did he have as a result? Hatred from those he once knew. And a bride-to-be who still grieved, even though he was alive. His sacrifice had been for nothing. It would have been better if he’d died a so-called spy.
He looked at Leah. She stared straight ahead, her hand clutching the ribbon that held in place the hat he’d given her. At least she had not taken it off and dashed it to the ground. Perhaps it was a symbol of what remained. A certain trust she stubbornly clung to, despite what she witnessed at Greenwood.
His hands tightened around the reins. How he wished he could erase this label of a traitor. Perhaps he should turn around and tell the Greens what happened at the Lacy house. Maybe they would understand if he explained the terrible decision he was forced to make in the seconds he had before he was led away to a Yankee noose. What sane decision could anyone make when placed in such a dire position?
Now, as he neared his aunt’s home, he must somehow force himself to smile and be of good cheer with the Christmas festivities upon them. There was, after all, the joy of Christ’s birth. But there was no such joy in his heart, only the sting of death, like the stark images of Fredericksburg after the battle.
Just then Leah’s hand slowly curled around his, soft at first, and then strengthened into a squeeze of reassurance. He trembled and breathed a sigh of relief. The wagon drew to a stop.
“I’m sorry, Seth,” her voice whispered like the drip of clover honey. “I shouldn’t doubt you. I know I don’t understand everything, but …”
He tightened his hand around hers. “Leah, I had to make a choice. A choice no man should ever have to make. The night of our engagement, I was on an errand for Mrs. Green, to check on her daughter and son-in-law’s house, which is the Lacy house overlooking the river.”
He paused then continued. “I had crossed the river en route to my duty when I was captured by several Union pickets. They told the men in charge I was a spy for General Lee. I tried to tell them I was hired to check on the condition of the Lacy property by Mrs. Green. No one believed me. They were going to hang me.”
Leah’s hand fell away. Her eyes grew wide and began to glisten. She shook her head.
“Suddenly the colonel gave me a choice. He said they would spare my life if I would give them information about Fredericksburg.” He looked then at the horses bobbing their heads, the nostrils blowing clouds into the air. “They gave me only a few moments to choose. Life or death. All I could see was you dressed in black, weeping over my grave. And then I saw our wedding; both of us standing at the altar, speaking our vows. The choice was before me. Leah, I couldn’t leave you a widow. I had to come back as I promised the night of our engagement.”
“Seth …,” she whispered.
“So I made my choice. I gave them the information they wanted. I told them things that likely have left people suffering. Homeless and in pain. And other consequences, like Mr. Green labeling me a traitor. And he’s right. I am a traitor.”
“You’re not a traitor.” She grabbed his hand once more, cradling it against her cheek. “You did the only thing you could do to come home to me.”
“Leah, I am.” He caught his breath. “So I’m going to leave as soon as Christmas is over. I’ll join up with the Army of Northern Virginia. And in the meantime, I’ll pray that God gives you a good and godly Southern man to marry.”
She released his hand. Her face reddened and her cheeks glistened as well as her eyes. “H–how can you say this to me? How can you give up on us like this?”
“Because I surrendered all that I am. And all that I could have been to you.” He snapped the reins and the wagon moved off.
Silence encompassed the ride back to his aunt’s home. For a time he considered the things he had said. The cause for which he had traded the information in the first place. Maybe by joining Lee’s forces, he would find reconciliation. To be on the front lines, facing the enemy head-on—the enemy that had stolen his heart and spirit—would be the balm he needed. To die for the Confederate cause as he should have done at the Lacy house. Maybe that would right the wrong.
When they returned to his aunt’s home, Leah helped herself down from the wagon and hurried inside without a word. He sat still in the wagon seat, silent, his eyes closed but his mind active with sights and sounds he wished he could block out forever.
He finally moved to take care of the horses, realizing he couldn’t remain locked in the past. He must look to the future, whatever that future held. A part of him hoped that somehow Leah would be in it. That they would see their wedding day on the dawn of the New Year. That all of this had not been in vain. He did serve a God greater than any trouble—past, current, or future. He must have hope, somehow.
Seth could hear the sounds of laughter coming from the house. The Christmas Eve celebration was in full progress. Now he must put on a cheerful countenance and join in the celebration. He must get through the holiday festivity. Then he would give his family the news he had given Leah. He would join the cause and never look back.
Seth took off his hat and stepped inside to be met by the fragrant scents of apple cider, roasting chestnuts, and candles burning. His aunt Gracie bustled over to give him a mug of mulled cider. “Come now and join us,” she urged with an acceptance that soaked into his very being. How he wanted to be a part of all this, if only he did not feel so isolated at the same time.
Sitting down, Seth sensed the family gazing at him in expectation. “So let’s talk about your wedding!” Aunt Gracie began with a smile. “It would be fine if you all decided to have it here, you know.”
“I hope your family will be agreeable, Leah,” added Seth’s mother. “We want both families to be a part. What do you think they would like?”
Seth could see the blank look on Leah’s face. Her hand trembled slightly as she sipped on her cider. “I haven’t really talked to them about it, with the battle and all, Mrs. Madison.”
“They say they will be back after Christmas,” said Mr. Madison. “It was in the letter we showed you a few days ago.”
“Oh, that dreadful battle, tearing families apart,” mourned Mrs. Madison. “I’m so glad we’re all safe and together for Christmas. And I know you will soon be together with your family, too, Leah.”
“Wherever did you end up during the battle, my boy?” Seth’s father now inquired of him. “You were gone for many days. No one knew where you were.”
Seth felt the heat in his face. All at once he blurted out, “I was captured by a Union picket line while trying to help the Greens with a request. I was held prisoner during the battle.”
Everyone put down their mugs and stared. The cheerfulness of the evening had been snuffed out like a candle’s flame. Only the ticking of the grandfather clock in the hall could be heard.
“I had no idea,” Aunt Gracie began. “Why, it must have been terrible, Seth.”
“I would rather not talk about it, if that’s all right. Can we enjoy Christmas now that we’re together?”
It was a hollow wish at best, especially with the stares he received. A cloud hung over the celebration. How he wished he could be transported in time to the engagement party, with the season bathed in love and expectation instead of fear and despair. But everything had changed because of the war. The cursed war. His fist clenched. He hated the war with every part of his being. The conflict brought death and destruction to the mind, body, and soul. Now it had left him with no bride and no future.
Chapter 6
Leah opened her eyes to greet another day. Slowly she came to her feet, took up a quilt to wrap around herself, and padded over to the window to gaze at the countryside. The sun’s rays were just beginning to stream across the barren land. Today was Christmas Day. A day to remember the Savior’s birth. And a day to be with loved ones near and dear to her heart. But once the merriment of the holiday abated, she would face the painful reality that Seth would be gone forever. She would be alone, without his love, without a future.
Tears blurred her vision. What could she do to stop the inevitable? The tentacles of guilt seemed to grip him, robbing everything, but most of all their love. What could she do to rid him of the guilt he bore? Even if she were to continue confessing her love to Seth and tell him she harbored no ill will for the decision he was forced to make, the words would be ignored. Even the Christmas present she had made for him, a shirt and handkerchief embroidered with his initials, would never do the work of healing.
She could do the only thing left to her. Slowly she dropped to her knees and bent her head. She poured out her grief and pain to the One ready to accept her pain and embrace her. The One who knew everything. The One who held them both in His hands. And the One who could mend their relationship that now lay in tatters.
Leah heard a rap on her door. She came to her feet, drying her eyes and trying to compose herself. “Yes?”
“It’s Mrs. Winslow, dear. We’ll be having our family breakfast soon. I hope you can join us.”
Seth’s dear aunt Gracie was at the door. “I’ll be ready, thank you.” What a blessing the woman had been during this time of trial. Leah didn’t know what she would do without her. She hurried to the wardrobe and took out the dress Aunt Gracie had lent her for the holiday. Noting the blue lines crisscrossing the fabric, she then looked at the pretty hat Seth had bought for her with the matching blue ribbon and a feather. She so loved the color blue. Seth knew it was her favorite color. They had shared so much of their lives with each other. Their likes and dislikes. Hopes and dreams. His words of commitment flooded her thoughts. They had not been pure imagination but real. And she had the evidence to prove it.
At once, Leah went to fetch the note Seth had sent to her through the Union courier.
I am forever yours.
Her finger traced the words written by his hand. Words that came from the depths of his heart. She held the letter over her own heart, recalling the words they would speak to each other at the marriage ceremony. Till death do us part. “I know we have not yet said our vows, Seth,” she told herself. “But the day we got engaged is the day we made a commitment to say those words. To not allow this war or anything else to come between us. To not be apart until God takes us to His heavenly home. And I won’t let what happened to you that day at the Lacy house tear us apart. Dear God, that is my heartfelt prayer. Please remember us!”
She felt better after this confession of faith as she tied the bow that encircled the waist of the dress. She even smiled at her reflection in the mirror above the bureau. She would look and act beautiful. She would sweep Seth off his feet. And he would have no choice but to wed her in the end.
She drifted down the stairs to see the family gathered in the dining room. The delicious aroma of fresh coffee awakened her senses. “Good morning,” she said brightly to everyone, but saved a radiant smile for Seth. He stared at her first then offered a greeting in return. She made certain to sit by him at the table. When grace was finished, Leah helped herself to the fresh crullers and spiced apples passed to her.
“I do love Christmas morning,” she said happily. “It’s such a special time. And I must show you what Seth gave me yesterday for my present. A beautiful bonnet from your store, Mr. Madison. I plan to wear it for our going-away trip after our marriage.”
The family exchanged looks. Seth put his cup down on the saucer. She felt his hand gently nudge her elbow. She refused to acknowledge him but only continued with her head held high. “I’m so glad you’re willing to open your home so we can marry, Mrs. Winslow. I think perhaps having the ceremony in the front parlor by the huge window would be lovely.”
“Yes, yes, it would be,” Aunt Gracie said slowly.
Mr. Madison’s face grew redder. Mrs. Madison coughed in a handkerchief.
“But I thought the wedding was off,” Clara announced.
Silence filled the room as everyone looked at each other.
Clara’s eyes widened, and she slid down slightly in her seat. “I mean, isn’t that what you said, Seth? At least I thought I heard you say that.”
“He only meant that we must take time to prepare,” Leah answered with an uneasy chuckle. “This war has interrupted so many lives and plans that have been made. The best thing we can do is go on with our plans. And we made many plans, didn’t we, Seth?”
He looked puzzled and uncertain how to respond.
“We can’t let the war take over our hearts, too, can we?” She felt her voice rise on the brink of desperation. She forced herself to remain calm. “We have to go on with living and with love. I won’t let hate take over. I won’t let the enemy win.”
“Leah …” Seth stood and said to the family, “Please excuse us.” He took hold of Leah’s arm, escorting her from her chair. With swift steps he directed her into the parlor with the large picture window, the very place where they were to have their wedding. He closed the double doors, turned, and faced her with his arms crossed.
“Leah, why are you saying these things to the family? I thought I made my feelings clear yesterday. In fact, I told them the wedding is off.”
“I don’t care. You haven’t confessed your true feelings, Seth. You’ve only told me about feelings that have been affected by the tragedy of this war. And I won’t let that destroy what God has planned for us.”
“But have you considered that this is part of God’s plan? That He allowed these things to happen so He can direct our paths?”
“And you’re saying our path no longer leads to marriage? That all this time of conversations and walks, of laughing and sharing our hopes and dreams, was for nothing? The occasion when we announced our engagement to family and friends was a simple delusion? And the note you wrote to me saying ‘I am yours forever’ was a lie?” She whirled, the tears coming fast and furious, despite her wish to keep them all bottled up within. She had tried to let faith rule the hour, but it was not to be. Not now and maybe not ever.
“Leah, we can’t go through a closed door….”
“I have not closed the door, Seth. I know you made an awful decision so you could return safely to me. If you shut that door, then everything you did to come back to me was for nothing. Don’t you see?”
He stood still and silent. She saw his eyes shift back and forth as he considered her words.
“You’re a man who plans and leads. Who considers everything. Who vowed to be mine forever. Now you want to throw it away?”
“I don’t know. When I saw the anger in Mr. Green’s face, I could feel the weight of the anger of the entire population of Fredericksburg. Maybe the whole South for what I’ve done. I can’t carry that kind of burden.”
“You aren’t supposed to carry it, Seth. God’s burdens are light. He helps us bear them. He didn’t mean for you to carry them, especially alone.”
“But I made them. And I know I can’t carry them and burden you also.”
“Can’t you trust Him with this? Can’t you let it all go?”
He turned his back to her. The response broke her heart. How she wished she could unwrap the joy of their love this Christmas morn. What a marvelous present it would be, far better than unwrapping any hat with a blue ribbon. But it seemed as if it would be a day of mourning once more. There was nothing more to say or do.
Leah hurried from the room and up the stairs. She shut the door. O God, how I love him despite what has happened, but I must give our future to You. Dearest God, if our marriage is to happen, You must make it happen. You alone can mend the past and direct the future.
But how, she didn’t know.
Seth followed Leah partway up the stairs but soon retreated. He returned to the parlor and stared out the huge bay window. He had never felt so empty and lost. He had to admit his soul warmed to Leah’s determination and abiding faith. In his heart he knew they were destined to wed. God had drawn them together for this moment in time. Now he must face the barrier keeping them apart—the guilt that Leah spoke of. His inability to rise above this terrible thing and claim victory over it. He must deal with the guilt or surrender in its wake.
Seth grabbed for his hat and strode outside. The cold air numbed him, but he took no notice of it. Instead, he saddled one of his aunt’s horses. He didn’t know what would happen once he arrived at his destination, but he would go anyway and pray for God’s favor.
The ride took him a good hour. Not many people were on the road this time of day as everyone was at home celebrating Christmas. He knew better than to disturb the family at this time, but he had no choice. His Christmas was already disturbed beyond comprehension. He had to set things right, no matter the consequence.
After a lengthy ride, he entered the road that led to his destination. What if they refused to speak to him again? What if the master of the house pulled a gun on him and ordered him off his property? What if he had Seth arrested as a Yankee informer? Seth shook off the fear that sought to subdue him. He must go and see these people. They were the ones to confront with the illness in his heart. He must find a remedy with them or no remedy at all.
He guided the horse slowly up the road to the home at Greenwood. It appeared quiet, despite its being Christmas Day. He doubted the daughter, Betty, and her family had made the journey from Lexington to the celebration. He recalled how Mrs. Green had advised her to stay away because of the battle.
He came to the house and anchored the horse’s reins to a tree. Just then he saw a dark-skinned man amble around the home from the barn area, carrying a bucket. The man stopped short when he saw Seth.
“Suh?” the man inquired.
Seth removed his hat. “I’m Seth Madison. I did some work for Mrs. Green.”
