Keep tuscany, p.7
Keep Tuscany, page 7
“Is everyone okay?”
“Yes. No. I mean everyone’s fine health wise. Christ. Maggie, I’m so fucking in love with you. I’m going to be so lost.”
“I’ll love you for forever. Okay? You get that right. Is that what all this worry is about because I will just take that from you, Mister.” I run my hands down his back and then I feel something wet on my shoulder as he shakes.
“Maggie. I don’t know how to do this. Fuck. Maggie. I don’t know how.” And then he’s sobbing. I hold him, but I think I’m the one who will need it when he gets done with his sentence.
“Shh. It’s okay. Whatever it is, we can get through this. Shh.”
“Oh, God. Mags, if only.” And there’s more crying. I’m starting to panic but things have to be fine, they just have to.
I stroke his hair. “If your dad doesn’t like the image or thought of me. He should meet me. I’m great with strangers and parents. I could raise money for him. I go to church. I volunteer. I get excellent grades. I’m like the perfect candidate’s son’s girlfriend. I can convince him.” I plead, and it only makes him cry harder.
“Colt, please talk to me. You’re worrying me.”
“Can we get out of the truck?” I move back to my side and face him.
“No. Break my heart here.” I cross my arms, realizing that it might be hopeless, and I will not move to another location to fall apart.
“Not like this,” he utters.
He wipes his face and composes himself. He takes my hand. “Maggie. I need you to listen to me. If you want to tape this with your phone so you can believe what I’m telling you years in the future, please do.” He wipes his face with the back of his hand and squares his body to mine. He’s looking at me with the eyes that will always belong to me. Even if someone else gets to see those soul-filling eyes, that look will always be for me.
“Colt. This is really scaring me now.”
“I’m scaring me. And scarring us. I will never in my life love anyone the way I love you. To the depth of our bed in Paris to the heights of what you make me feel. Fuck, I love you so much. You’ll always be the hopeful morning light, the midday sun, and the sunset. So beautiful that it hurts.”
I’m wary of what’s happening. “Okay, I’m sunny. What else you got?”
“You were a part of me from the very beginning, but something has happened.”
“What? The Navy?” He laughs through his tears then leans forward and kisses me. I feel his salty tears run down my face. I’m sure mine will join his in a second, but for now I open to him and his tongue slides home.
He breaks the kiss. “Gemma’s pregnant.”
“And Gemma is?” He laughs at my joke, but not the laugh I know well. I know all about the ex-girlfriend. But then I realize what he’s saying to me. “What? Wait, oh, my god,” I gasp. “Are you okay? How much pregnant?”
“Five months. She waited to tell anyone until it was too late to do anything, knowing my father would insist we keep it. And become a family for the cameras. I swear that’s all it will ever be. You’re my home. You. We’re supposed to be us, not this.”
He’s holding my hands and I whisper my nightmare. “You’re getting married to someone else.”
He nods. “It’s not just for my dad. Despite Gemma leaving us no options or choices, I could never abandon my duty as a father. Fuck. I’m about to be 18 and a dad, apparently. It’s a little girl. I won’t be a stranger in her life. I won’t leave her in the life without some kind of buffer from Gemma who wants the fame, and my father who wants a photo op.” He runs his hands through his hair, and I struggle to breathe. I let instinct take over because it’s all I have.
“Of course, you’ll marry her and be the best dad.” Tears spring to my eyes, but I hold them back a little because he needs me to be strong. I can fall apart after he leaves, and I probably won’t ever stop breaking. “It’s one of the reasons I love you so much. You’re the stand-up guy. You’re the one everyone relies on, that I rely on. You have to be there for the baby, but do you have to marry her?”
“My father is about to make a run for higher positions on committees and in the party, which is his path forward to the White House. I won’t be trapped forever, but I do know Gemma well enough that if we’re not married, I’ll never get to see that little girl.”
“Oh.”
“I’m so sorry.” His voice cracks and I have to be strong for him now.
I shake him off. “No. There’s going to be a baby and babies are good things. And you’re gentle and kind and you’ll be a good dad. You’ll also have to juggle your stupid dad and school. And you’re probably not going to get to see the Thailand elephants or even go hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro or…” He kisses me suddenly then pulls back.
“Focus, my Maggie. My very perfect, sweet, funny, big-hearted Meerkat.”
I burst into tears. “Let me babble. And stop saying nice things that will only haunt both of us at this point. Save them. It’s the only way I can get through this.” He pulls me into a hug. “When is he going to be done with the White House?”
“Oh, Mags. You will always be the love of my life, but I have to go be this. I want you to go and be happy.”
“But what if I need you to be happy?”
“I want you to stop giving things away, stop making it okay for everyone else. It’s okay to be upset by this. Don’t let me off the hook.”
There’s a moment and I say what’s in my heart. “But there’s a baby and I want it to know the kind of love you can give it. I’d prefer you don’t give it to Gemma, but that baby will need it.” I blubber out and then quickly compose myself.
He squeezes my hand. “Fuck. Your turn, stop saying things that will destroy us through the years apart. There are more noble things than happy.”
“Then I’ll say this, I love you. You should have something. To hold on to when it all gets to be shitty. I know you do not love her, and eventually the baby will be grown but you’ll still be trapped.”
“I have a while to go before I’m not trapped.”
“Can I give you something to hold on to so you know someone in the world loves you the most? Someone would choose you over everyone.”
“That.” He blubbers as he pulls me to him and now, we’re both a mess.
“What?”
“That’s what I’ll hold on to, your words.”
“Doesn’t seem like it will work. I meant something tangible, like a locket or this pen.” I fumble in the cup holder and hand him a purple pen from the Reno Elks Lodge.
“I have to go. I have a flight back.”
“Oh, God. Take the pen. Something to remember me by.”
I’m an idiot handing the only man I’ll ever completely love a pen. He takes it, gets out of the truck, comes to the driver’s side, and pulls me out. We stand holding each other for so long I can’t even keep track of the minutes. He kisses the top of my head before he places his hands on either side of my face.
“Maggie, Meerkat. My love. No matter what you see it will always be an act. Don’t look, okay? Don’t watch us or follow our charade. Please. I’ll send you a picture of the baby. Don’t google it. Ever. Please don’t look. Go be happy and know that you were once completely loved, accepted and understood. That’s what I can give you.”
I’m sobbing. “You don’t have a pen?”
He laughs a sad little laugh. Then he digs through his backpack and hands me a red and blue pen, and I grip it to my chest.
He kisses my forehead and turns to walk away. I sit in my truck and try to stop crying while clutching a Boston Revelers baseball team pen.
END OF PART ONE
part two
un jour
_____________________________________________
13
maggie
Vegas
12 years later
I shake my ass because it’s so fun, and I forgot how much I need to just dance it out. We’re clubbing, and that does not happen with my best friend often. Married life, teaching second grade, and crafting keeps me pretty damn busy. A collage or diamond art takes longer than you might expect. There’s a very hot couple having sex on the dance floor, right in front of us. That takes talent to convince someone to do that. He’s got her skirt up and she kind of, wow, that’s impressive.
I swing around and get Mak’s attention to show her the couple getting off like two feet from us. My heart leaps as a tall, dark-haired man stares at me. His intense befuddled look and soulful, blue-grey eyes greet me with a huge smile. This is insane. I wave, and he walks up behind my forever bestie, Makenzie, and puts his arms around her. She spins around in his arm cage, then screams, “Danny!”
We both throw our arms around him. We can barely hear as he tries to tell us something. Then points off the floor. He grabs the hot guy who just finished up dance floor sex, and I see a resemblance. They share the same smirk. Danny grabs Mak’s hand, and I grab the other one as he pulls us towards some raised tables.
Mak turns back and says in my ear, “Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. He’s with Tony. Tony!” Mak hasn’t seen or spoken to Tony in twelve years since she ghosted him at his 18th birthday party. This is awkward. Before we get to their table area, he stops. We can hear Hayden now and he hugs us again.
“This is my younger brother, Lawrence. Call him Law.”
His gorgeous smile explains how he got someone to agree to the dance floor penis mambo. He slides his hand around my back, and Danny slaps it away. “Off limits. Both of them. Go wash your hands. They’re our friends from Paris.”
Law says, “No shit. I will not remember your names. I’m very drunk we’re here for …”
Mak finishes his sentence. “Tony’s thirtieth.” She glances back toward Danny. “Yeah, I remember when his birthday is, Danny.”
Law laughs. “My brother doesn’t use that nickname anymore. He’s Hayden.”
The man I knew as an eighteen-year-old Danny explains, “Yeah, Danny was a high school nickname. Long story. Fuck. Lizzie is going to die.” I knew they got back together, about the name changes and that they’re living in France, according to all the pictures on social media. Colt and Tony make sporadic Instagram appearances. I’ve seen pictures of Gemma but have tried to avoid seeing Colt’s family. I looked once. I saw he had a second daughter, and I looked at their baby pictures in People Magazine. And I’ve never looked again. It was too painful.
Before I can stop him, Hayden’s dragging us toward some tables. I clutch Makenzie and yell back at her. “They’re all here. All of them.”
They all have to be here since I see Tony and a man who looks like Tony, who must be his brother. And then I see him.
Mak mutters, “Fuck.” I bite my lips and she wipes stray mascara from under my eyes. “We’ll be ok.” I kiss her cheek.
Colt stands up and points at me like a man in a horror movie who has seen a ghost. I guess that’s what we are to each other. Hayden trips a little up the stairs and there are half empty giant bottles of vodka, gin and Scotch all around.
Colt rocks back and forth, and I’ve never seen him this drunk. I’m sober from dancing and married. I’m very married, and so is he, and he’s here, and I’m going to pop up to say hello and go. It will all be fine.
He’s bouncing a little as I approach, and Tony shoves a woman off his lap and hands her a giant bottle of alcohol. Mak has a lot to say to that man. I turn around to my friend and point my finger in her face and say, “Don’t lie.”
She leans down to my ear. “I’ll give you this. I’ll try not to, but I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with this rapid heart rate and raging lust.”
I giggle. “Same.”
Mak taps my ring finger with a mischievous gesture as we walk up a couple of steps. Without knowing what to do, I skip up to Tony and hug him.
“Happy Birthday!”
“Mags! This is my brother, Dax.” He gestures to the right. “And you might remember Colton from such places as your bed. Now, move woman so I can collect on destiny’s birthday present.” He’s only ever had eyes for Mak.
I’d worry for her if my life weren’t about to come crashing down around me. I flush a little red and smooth my twitching eyebrow. Colt’s huge, pearly white, beautiful smile stabs at every part of me.
Hayden plops down on a couch texting, then pulls Mak and me in for a picture. I’m sure it’s for Lizzie.
Then I shake my head and throw my heart to the wind. I toss my arms around Colt and his hand gets stuck between us and he’s wobbling. I don’t know where to put my head so I lean way out of his arms. It’s the most awkward hug ever. He grins before he touches my face briefly, then runs a finger over my twitchy brow.
“Sorry, had to know if you were real, or if the drinks were so much stronger and had something in them.”
“Holy shit.”
He nods quickly. “Holy shit indeed. I can’t with this. Maggie Fucking Curran. You’re Maggie. You’re here and you’re Maggie. My Maggie. Shit. Not mine.”
I pull back and put a finger into his chest. “No. Not your Maggie. But yes. It’s me.”
He’s as gorgeous but sharper. Like all the boy parts have morphed into this god of a man but he’s still him. Jeans and a rolled-up blue button down, simple, classic and deadly to me. Then pats the seat next to him like he did all those years ago. I inhale deeply and release my breath with yoga-like calm.
Hayden shows me a text from Lizzie while Colt pats the seat between them again. I ease into the seat, pressing against Hayden, bypassing Colt’s space.
“Meerkat, you’re so far away,” he yells over the driving beat and relentless synth. Mak and Tony are talking, and that’s a good thing. He needs to know she’s done a lot of good since she walked away from him. She had her reasons, but that’s her tale to tell.
Colt’s eyes are boring into me but now they’re not as sparkly or as full of life as they were, and I’m sure neither are mine. I pull down my black dress as far as it will go, probably ripping a seam or a hem or something as I yank it to moderately modest.
He picks up my hand and rubs his finger over my wedding ring, and I weakly smile at him. I can’t break his gaze. We’re saying all the things we can’t admit to right now. Our eyes have all the conversations we should have had, and we’re catching up on the pain of our lost years. We need to be beyond this if we’re going to survive this encounter.
‘I’m sorry.’
‘I miss you.’
‘You’re still the most beautiful person I’ve ever known or seen.’
‘I wish things were different.’
‘I still think about you all the time.’
‘What are you like now?’
‘Can I know you again?’
Our unspoken conversation ends, and I answer all of our longing and sadness with a way past it. I see the desperate hope in his eyes as they gleam over with tears. I love my husband, and Colt is married but the closure in this dark, loud, over-the-top club feels so close. It’s like I can breathe again for real.
I bite my tears back and lean into his ear and place my hand on his bicep, touching him for the first time in twelve years. I wish it didn’t feel electric.
“Wanna go get some noodles?” I don’t know what to do with my hands, or what to say, but I do know that noodles solve everything.
A laugh erupts from him as he hops to his feet. The music is loud, and I get up too. I hug everyone and then whisper in Mak’s ear.
“I’m going to grab a bite. Will you be here when I get back?”
She shakes her head. “I have to leave very fucking soon. This is too much. I’ll meet you back in the room.”
“I won’t be long. I just want to hear about the girls, and his life real quick.”
“Not worried. It’s you and the most stand-up human to ever walk the earth. Neither of you will do anything inappropriate.”
I laugh. She’s 100 percent correct. As we walk down the little stairs into the casino, his hand settles on my lower back. I wish I was a different girl.
14
colt
My hand seared hot when I touched her back. She’s still painfully lovely. The booze-filled evening is ebbing away from my brain, and I’m left with her smell surrounding me. Maggie. Fuck. It might have been easier to never see her again than having touched her untouchable back. Her sweaty face and her hair stuck with dried sweat on her cheek, still stunning. The sweetness a little drained from her face, replaced by pure sensual energy. Her hair is still a study in caramel highlights but a little shorter, more modern somehow. But those damn golden eyes still sparkle like they do in my memory. Maybe not as bright, but it’s there.
Eventually, I have to remove my hand. Although I want to keep touching her forever. I won’t bitch about my marriage or how things should be different. I’ve covered that in therapy, with my friends, and she’s happy and married. She’s different, more beautiful somehow. How is it all still here? All the affecting joy and love? Maybe it’s one-sided but it feels complete and whole. It hasn’t abated one bit. I feel just as intensely for her and about her as I did when I walked away in the parking garage.
I join her side by side as she leads me through the casino towards a noodle shop tucked next to the gift shop and a bank of elevators. “Tell me about him.”
“That’s the last thing I thought you’d say!” She waggles fingers at me.
“We have no choice but to be friends, right?”
“That’s what I was thinking. Look, we’re already playing a dangerous game and I will tell my husband about this little noodle date,” she says in that surprised enthusiastic tone that is so fucking cute it should be illegal.
“It’s a date?” I raise an eyebrow and she turns to me. Her face sullen and the sunshine missing.
“No, Colt. It’s two friends who are going to catch up on their lives but have nothing beyond this. Please don’t flirt with me. That’s not fair or decent and it’s not who you are.”
