Messy strokes, p.29
Messy Strokes, page 29
“Give him time,” he murmurs. “He’ll get over it.”
“It’s not exactly something you get over, Jake,” I cry. “Not this.”
“He loves you.”
I shake my head.
“He loves Penny.”
Another sob slips out of me. “He’s the best dad.”
“I know.”
“The best,” I emphasize before pulling away from him, surprised Penny’s still sleeping from being squished between us. “Man, I sound like a crazy person. I don’t know how I let everything get so out of control.”
“Give him time,” he repeats.
“How much time?”
“I dunno yet. But he’ll get there.”
“And what do I do while I wait? Do I move out? Do I find a new job? Do I…do I text him about seeing Penny? Or is that an assumption on my part? Does he even want to see her?”
“Of course, he does.”
“How do you know?”
“Because he loves her.”
“But will he still love her?” I sob, the ugly truth tumbling out of me. My greatest fear. “Even if she isn’t his?”
His shoulders hunch, and he pulls me closer to him all over again. Like the idea of Penny belonging to someone else is as painful for Jake as it is for me. “He’d be an ass not to, Mads.”
“He’s stubborn.”
“I know.”
“And bullheaded.”
“I know,” he repeats.
“And a grudge holder.”
“You know these all kind of mean the same thing, right?”
With a pathetic laugh, I wipe under my eyes, again, feeling like my tears are a damn waterfall. “You know what I mean.”
“I know. But I also know Milo loves you. And he loves Penny. Give him some time. You should get some sleep.”
He’s right. Penny will be up in a couple of hours, and running on fumes while nursing a broken heart and taking care of a baby sounds miserable.
Squeezing Penny a little tighter, I scoot to the edge of the couch and stand up, hating the way my body feels like it weighs a thousand pounds. My muscles are achy. My spirit is drained. And there is no magic elixir to fix it.
I shove my hair away from my face, trying not to crumble into a heap as I eye the stairs warily. “I guess I’ll, uh, I’ll go to bed.”
“He’ll come around, Mads.”
With a watery, pathetic smile, I shrug one shoulder and make my way toward the stairs, which seem more daunting than ever. “We’ll see.”
40
MADDIE
“You comin’ to work, sweetheart?” Jos asks as soon as I answer my phone. Lying on the bed with Peanut hanging out in tummy time beside me, I rub my swollen eyes.
“You noticed I wasn’t there yesterday, huh?”
“The whole shop noticed. You gotta come in today. Everyone’s wondering where you are. And my books? They’re missing the spreadsheet girl.”
I roll my eyes. “Your spreadsheets are fine without me.”
“Bullshit. Come to the shop. Get out of the house.”
“I can’t leave Penny––”
“Bring her.”
My gaze shifts to my baby girl, her dimples on full display as she kicks her little legs and lifts her head, twisting so she can see me.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d say she looks exactly like her daddy.
I clear my throat and sit up, resting my back against the headboard and pulling my knees to my chest. It sucks. Not knowing what Jos knows. Not knowing what I can say or if I’m breaching Milo’s trust any more than I already have by talking to his boss.
What the hell am I supposed to do?
“Maddie? You still there?” Jos asks.
“I’m not sure coming in is a good idea.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not sure Milo would want me there in the first place.”
“It’s not his shop––”
“Yes, it is,” I counter, my voice laced with amusement. “You already gave him the papers, remember?”
“Hmph,” he grunts, clearly unsatisfied by the little tidbit.
I pat Penny’s diaper as she arches her back a little more. She’s getting so big. I feel like I blinked, and I already missed the newborn stage. Meaning Milo’s missing it too. Right now. He’s missing this. And I hate that he’s missing this.
“Did he fire you?” Jos asks.
I blink slowly, forcing myself to stay in the present instead of slipping back down the rabbit hole of what-ifs as they’ve been drowning me for days.
“Well, no, but––”
“Then you should come to work. He isn’t here, anyway.”
“What?” I shift the phone to my other ear. “Where is he?”
“Took the week off, sweetheart.”
“Have you, uh, have you seen him at your place? In the shed?”
“Not once. Probably ‘cause he knows I’d hit him upside the head for hurting you. Come help me hold down the fort, will ya?”
Dropping my head to my knees, I rub the ache in my chest, but it does nothing to soothe it. “Do you think he took the week off so he wouldn't have to see me?”
He sighs. “I dunno.”
“Do you know what happened?” I prod, my voice nothing but a whisper as I pinch the bridge of my nose.
“All I know is Milo left the exhibit early, you two are havin’ troubles, and you missed your shift yesterday. You think our customers wanna see my ugly mug when they could be seeing you?”
With a pathetic laugh, I shove my hair away from my face and pat Penny’s bum again as she continues blubbering away, oblivious to her parents’ woes or how much her mom has screwed up in her life.
“Sorry I didn’t call in,” I murmur.
“Like I said, I knew you were havin’ troubles. But I’m not gonna let you sit around and wallow in self-pity. It isn’t healthy, Maddie. Come to the shop. Bring Penny. She can be our mascot for the day.”
“And if Milo shows up?” I ask.
“You two can finally move past whatever’s bothering you. ‘Cause let me tell ya. It isn’t worth the pain.”
“Yeah. Well, I’m not sure we can move past this one.”
“You don’t think?”
“I screwed up.”
“We all make mistakes.”
“Not ones as big as this.”
“Tell me about it.”
So I do.
I let it all go. Word after word. Mistake after mistake. Each and every confession tumbling out of me, gaining momentum as if being pushed down a hill. Now, it’s gravity taking over, and I’m simply along for the ride.
By the time I finish, all I get is silence.
Deafening silence.
Pulling my phone away from my ear, I check to see if the call is still connected. “Jos? You still here?”
“You love him?”
“Of course, I do.”
“So, get your ass to work, sweetheart.”
“Jos––”
The call goes dead.
Chewing on the inside of my cheek, I scoot off the edge of the bed and pick Penny up.
“You heard the man,” I mutter. “Apparently, we gotta get to work.”
With Penny on my hip and a diaper bag full of toys to entertain her, I pull open the heavy glass door to Etch 'N Ink and scan the place. I can’t stop myself from looking for him.
But Jos wasn’t kidding.
Milo isn’t here.
I try to hide my frown with a smile, feeling like I’m being ripped in two, and wave to a few of the customers, stopping short when I catch sight of a brand new pack-n-play set up beside my podium.
“What’s this?” I ask Jos.
He grins back at me. “We take care of our own.”
“Jos––”
“Get to work, Maddie.”
Blinking back tears, I set Penny inside the hot pink pack-n-play and scatter a few toys around her, prepping for another emotionally draining day. The seconds seem like hours as I check the clock every few minutes. I feel like I’m intruding. Like I don’t belong here, despite Jos’s sweet gift. Like I don’t belong anywhere unless Milo is by my side.
The place is pretty empty today. Other than the occasional check-in for a customer’s appointment, there isn’t much for me to do. Despite Jos mentioning them, the books are fine too. This leaves me even more time to twiddle my thumbs and play the stupid what-if game I’ve come to loathe.
What if I’d turned Marty down in the first place?
What if Penny wasn't here if I had?
What if I’d told Milo the truth before his exhibit?
What if I’d refused to move in with Milo?
What if––
My phone vibrates with an incoming text from my sister, shaking me from my thoughts. I’ve already spilled the beans to her about everything going on, and I’m not sure I want to do another rehash session. Still, I scan her message and scramble to unlock my phone so I can reply.
Dove: Gibson just got off the phone with Milo.
Me: And?
Dove: And he’s hurting.
Me: Well, duh. I kinda figured that part out. Do you know where he is? He hasn’t shown up to work, and he won’t respond to any of my texts. I’m freaking out over here.
Dove: Gibson says he’s holed up in his hotel room, coping the only way he knows how.
So, he’s either drunk off his ass, or he’s drawing until his fingers are raw.
I bite my lip, trying to ignore how my hands shake as I type my response.
Me: Is there anything I can do to help him? Should I move out? Should I leave him alone and give him space? Should I show up on his doorstep and demand he talks to me? I don’t know what to do. And I hate not knowing what to do. Penny rolled over this morning, and I wanted to tell him. Hell, I had a text message pulled up and everything. But I couldn’t press send. I didn’t know if he’d want me to. I don’t know anything anymore. I’m freaking out, Dove.
Another message pops up. This time it’s from Gibson.
Gibson: I’ve been where Milo is. Maybe not exactly the same spot but similar. Remember how I couldn’t even hold Penny because I was afraid I’d get too attached? Imagine how he’s feeling right now. He’s been playing dad for months. And now, he doesn’t know if he’s earned the title or not. I know you didn’t mean to hurt him, and I know you were trying to protect Penny from having a shitty father in her life. But it messed with his head, Maddie. It messed with him in a way I’m not sure he’ll ever recover from. Dove says I’m being too harsh sending this to you. But I’m done with all the lies. The half-truths. The secrets. If you can’t start being open with him, you need to let him go. ‘Cause I’m not sure how much more he can take.
Ouch.
I blink back tears and set my phone down like it’s a scalding hot pan burning my palm as the bell on the door rings with an incoming customer.
“Hi. Welcome to––”
“Are you Em?” the stranger asks.
“Excuse––”
“Is this Penny?” she continues, squatting down to see her.
The woman almost looks familiar, though I’m positive I’ve never seen her. Pale complexion, freckles, long, gorgeous hair, and dimples.
Freaking dimples.
Yup. She definitely looks familiar.
Or maybe I’m going crazy for thinking they’re so similar to a man who isn’t currently speaking to me.
Tilting my head to the side, I cross my arms, towering over them, and ask, “I’m sorry. Who are you?”
She glances up at me, her gaze hard and unyielding, then turns back to my baby girl. “Hey, cutie. My name’s Auntie Reese. It’s nice to finally meet you.”
“You’re Reese?”
I feel like I’m intruding on her little introduction with my baby, but I don’t know what else she expects me to say.
Lips pursed, she stands back up and faces me fully. “Yeah. I’m Reese. Milo’s little sister.”
Shit.
Wiping my hands against my jeans, I offer my hand for her to shake. “Nice to meet you.”
Or, it would be if she wasn’t giving me the stink eye.
She stares at my extended hand but doesn’t take it, her astute gaze snapping to mine as she props her palms on her hips. “Look. I need you to understand something. My brother doesn’t cry. My brother doesn’t even really hurt. Hell, feeling anything, in general, is kind of a miracle when it comes to him. I blame our shitty upbringing on his lack of emotional depth, but who knows? Maybe he was born this way. You, however”––she points her perfectly polished fingernail at me––“have managed to cripple him. And I need to know right now whether or not you’re going to do it again.”
Well, damn. Way to get right to the point, Reese.
I try to keep my head held high, but the familiar shame coursing through my veins makes it difficult. I want to curl into a ball. I want to run away and hide. I want to be anywhere but here.
No. It’s not entirely true.
I want to be with Milo.
Milo and Penny.
It’s all I want.
“Are you going to answer my question?” Reese prods.
“I didn’t want to hurt him.”
“But you did hurt him.”
I sniff, hating the verbal punches she’s throwing my way while savoring them at the same time. Because I deserve them. Each and every one.
“I know,” I whisper, folding my arms and looking down at Penny on the blanket, her little legs kicking away.
Reese’s sneakers scuff against the floor as she inches closer to me, a bit of her animosity fizzling. “I’m not usually the mama bear, you know. It’s never been my job. Milo’s always been the one taking care of me. Looking after me. Making sure I landed on my feet after I made each and every mistake in my life. And trust me. I’ve made plenty. But it’s what he does. It’s some kind of weird hero complex he has. Again, probably from our shitty childhood. But what he doesn’t understand is some people aren’t worth saving. Some people will only drag him down. And right now, he’s lower than I’ve ever seen him.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, blocking out the truth in her words shining brighter than the damn sun. “I know.”
“And it isn’t fair to him.”
“You’re right. I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I don’t know what else you expect me to say. I screwed up––”
“We’ve all screwed up.”
“Yeah, well. This time I screwed up horribly,” I argue, lifting my chin and holding her gaze. “I hurt your brother. I hurt him in a possibly irreparable way. And even though I’d give anything to take it back, I can’t. Trust me. I’ve been thinking about it constantly. Trying to figure out how I could’ve saved him from being hurt. But no matter how many scenarios I play out… I dunno. I guess I’m too selfish to imagine a life without him in it. Too selfish to imagine Penny’s life without him in it. She loves him already. We even spent last night looking at pictures of them together. And yeah, I hate it. I lied. I hurt him. But I also love how he loved Penny. If only for a little while, she had a male figure she could rely on. I can’t make myself regret telling him he’s her father. If anything, my only regret is I don’t know if he really is.” I look down at Penny kicking away on her blankie. “She loves him. Already.”
“And you?” Reese asks, her cool exterior softening. “Do you love him?”
“Of course, I love him. I love him more than anything in the world. Other than Penny,” I clarify with a watery smile. “But you’re right. I bring him down.”
“You brought him down. Past tense. Doesn’t mean you have to keep bringing him down. There’s a difference.”
“You make it sound so easy.”
“Love is never easy,” she murmurs. “Trust me.”
“He won’t let me talk to him.”
“He’s stubborn,” she admits.
“Yeah, he is.”
“But I think he’s worth fighting for, don’t you?”
“Of course, I do. I…” Pushing my hair away from my face, I bend down and pick Penny up. I need her to ground me. To calm me down. Hell, I need my rock, and the man who’s always held that particular position isn’t speaking to me, so…
“I don’t know how,” I admit. “Everyone says I should give him time––”
“Baloney. Time is the last thing he needs.”
“But––”
“He needs someone willing to fight for him. To go to bat for him. To get dragged through the dirt for him. He’s always the one fighting for others, sticking up for others. Protecting others. But right now, he needs you.”
He needs me.
I’d laugh if it weren’t for the earth-splitting pain inside me.
With Penny on my hip, I rock her back and forth, placing a kiss against her forehead as I mutter, “No one needs me. If anything, it’s the other way around. All I do is screw things up.”
“Bullshit. Look at you and Penny. I’ve been around you for five minutes, and I already know you’re an amazing mom.”
I shake my head.
“You are. You knew she needed a father, and when the perfect one fell into your lap, you grabbed onto him. It might not have been the right thing to do for his sake, but it was for her.” She lifts her chin toward Penny.
My eyes burn, but I blink away the tears and drop another kiss to Penny’s forehead, trying not to lose my shit in the middle of the waiting area, though Milo’s sister is making it pretty damn difficult.
“Milo needs you,” Reese repeats, her tone softer this time.
I bite the inside of my cheek and look up at her. “How do you know?”
“Because I know Milo. And I want to get to know my new baby niece,” she adds with a smile. “May I hold her?”
“Yes, of course. But technically––”
“So help me, Madelyn. If you tell me she might not technically be my niece, all the progress we’ve managed to make is going to go right down the drain. Except for Milo, blood has meant shit in my life,” she explains. “It doesn’t matter. You get to choose your family. And I have a feeling Milo will choose you and Penny, regardless of blood, if you can convince him you want the same thing.”
