Love is heartless, p.23
Love Is Heartless, page 23
Colin glanced at Nevin, who sat on the couch with Legolas in his lap, both of them seemingly at peace. “He’s special,” Colin said loudly enough for Nevin to hear. Without even looking up, Nevin flipped him off, making Colin laugh. “I gotta go, Mom. We’ll see you tomorrow.”
“That woman keeps you on a short fucking leash,” Nevin said as Colin plopped back onto the couch.
“Yep. It doesn’t bother me, though.” He knew it was her way of showing she cared. “Hey, Nev?”
Nevin grunted. An old episode of Law & Order was on the TV, mostly so Nevin could make fun of it, which Colin found more entertaining than the show itself.
Maybe this wasn’t the best time to raise the subject, when Nevin was already stressed about the following day, but with some subjects, there was no good time. “Have you ever tried to find out what happened to your mother?”
“No,” said Nevin, turning his head to look at Colin with flat eyes.
“You could, though, right? You’re a cop, so you could access stuff.”
“I don’t fucking care what happened to that bitch. She left, good-bye, the end. She’s irrelevant.”
They both knew that wasn’t true. Nevin’s mother had left him with scars deeper than the one on Colin’s chest. But Colin had been thinking about her over the past weeks. “Has it ever occurred to you that maybe she abandoned you because she cared about you?”
“Yeah, that’s exactly what a loving mother does.”
“Her life was pretty screwed-up, though, right? Drugs and stuff?”
“And stuff,” Nevin echoed darkly.
“What if she realized she wasn’t going to escape and was just dragging you down with her? Maybe she even tried to be your mom for a while. I mean, she kept you for three years. I bet that wasn’t easy. But at some point, it just gets to be too much, so she walks away. She must have known the system would take you in.”
Nevin’s jaw worked. “And the system was such a tender fucking parent.”
“Yeah, I know.” Colin reached over to stroke Legolas and saw a bit of Nevin’s tenseness release, just as if he were the one being petted. “I know it sucked, and I know you fought really hard just to survive. But would you have been better off if she stuck around?”
After a long silence, Nevin answered. “Dunno. But dammit, that doesn’t make what she did all right!”
“No, it doesn’t. I’m just saying that you shouldn’t assume she didn’t love you. You’re…. Let’s face it, Nev. You’re a pretty loveable guy.” When Nevin made a face as if doubting Colin’s sanity, Colin smiled. “You are. Ford loves you. I love you, Nevin.” Then he held his breath, waiting for the explosion.
But the explosion never came. Instead Nevin shook his head. “I don’t know how you put up with me, Collie. Don’t understand what you fucking see in me.”
“You’re strong. God, you’re so strong. But when we’re together, you’re not afraid to let me be strong too. You’re passionate, and I don’t just mean about sex, although that part’s fantastic too. You’re funny. You want me to do what I care about, not what’s going to make the most money. You don’t settle for what’s comfortable and easy. You have an energy to you, a vibration. When I’m with you, I feel like I can accomplish anything I want.”
It was an unrehearsed speech, but every word was true. And there was more. The way Colin could trust Nevin completely. The way Nevin made even the most boring things interesting. The way just thinking about Nevin made his heart beat faster. “Legolas likes you,” he added. “And he has excellent taste.”
Nevin hung his head, eyes closed. When he looked up again, his mouth was set. “I can’t say it. Don’t know if I’ll ever—”
“It’s okay. They’re only words. Actions speak louder, right? You’re here in my home, where you’ve spent most of your free time for weeks. You introduced me to your brother, and you’re willing to face my family. Trent used to say those three words, but they didn’t mean anything.”
“Douche bag,” Nevin said automatically.
“Yeah. Anyway, I’m not sitting here pining away because you can’t say the magic words. I’m not a princess in a tower.”
“Wasn’t it the prince who needed the magic words? Before his fucking flower died? The beast.”
Colin laughed. “I love that you know Disney plots now.”
“Jesus. Yeah, I know Disney plots and the difference between Star Trek and Star Wars, and I know how Harry fucking Potter got rid of Voldemort. Thanks to you, I know what a hobbit is and that it’s a bad fucking idea to wear the One Ring, even if it does make you invisible. You bring me joy, okay? You bring me joy, and that’s all I can fucking—” His voice broke and he turned away.
They made it to the bed and made love spooned together, Colin deep inside Nevin’s body and stroking Nevin’s soft parted lips. It wasn’t earth-moving, and no fireworks exploded, yet Colin wouldn’t have traded those moments for anything.
BY THE middle of the afternoon on Thursday, Colin was seriously considering giving Nevin his second blowjob of the day. He had provided the first when they woke up. After that they went for a run, Nevin slowing his pace to Colin’s. They showered upon their return and spent a couple of hours dozing under the fleece blanket on the couch. But as the day wore on, Nevin grew increasingly jumpy, to the point that he paced the length of the loft like a caged beast.
“You don’t have to do this,” Colin pointed out for the umpteenth time. “Nobody wants to torture you.”
“You promised your parents.”
“We can tell them you’re not feeling well. They’ll understand. I’ll make popcorn and we can watch Cabaret and Hairspray.”
“I’m not some pansy-ass fuckmuppet who goes back on his promises. Just…. Fuck.” Nevin stomped off to the bedroom, where he stripped off his clothes. Just before Colin could pounce on him for some nice, calming sex, Nevin grabbed his suit from Colin’s closet and began getting dressed. Colin shrugged and started undressing.
Nevin was just finishing with his suit buttons when his phone rang. He answered with a barked “Ng.” After he listened for a moment, his face went grim and pale. “Yeah, yeah, okay. I’m on my way.”
He disconnected, then stared at Colin, his expression stricken.
“Oh God, what is it?” Colin asked. Had something happened to Ford?
“Germ—Jeremy Cox. He’s been kidnapped.”
Colin could only blink in shock.
Nevin hurried past him but then stopped and turned around. “I have to go. Jeremy’s new boyfriend—he’s the one who called it in—Frankl says he thinks the guy may start falling apart. I need to get over there and—”
“Go. It’s okay.”
“Thanksgiving….”
“Is less important than this.”
After two jerky nods, Nevin grabbed him for a savage kiss. “I’m sorry, Collie. Thank you for understanding.”
“Just keep in touch if you can. And please—stay safe.”
Nevin nodded once more before heading toward the door.
Colin wanted to ask a thousand questions, beginning with who had kidnapped Jeremy and why. But his focus was mainly on whether Nevin was going to be in danger, and he knew Nevin didn’t need to hear that right now. So Colin watched him put on dress shoes and a coat, and he grabbed him just before he left. “Be careful.”
“I’m so sorry, Collie. I really—”
“Shh.” Colin laid a finger over Nevin’s lips and repeated the important thing. “Just be careful.”
COLIN REMEMBERED the pies and the wine, but he arrived at his parents’ house feeling as if he were missing something important. Which he was, of course. Miranda met him in the entryway and took the wine bottles from him. “Mom and Dad are—” She stopped. “Where is he?”
“He can’t come.”
“Colin Oscar Westwood, you look like crap! Did this guy dump you? On Thanksgiving? Because I’m going to—”
“He didn’t dump me. He…. Let’s go find Mom and Dad. I don’t want to keep repeating the story.”
Grumbling, she followed him into the kitchen, where their dad was fussing over cranberry sauce while their mom arranged rolls in a basket. Voices carried from the living room—aunts, uncles, and cousins watching a football game, most likely. He heard Hannah laughing with one of the younger cousins. He put on his bravest smile and faced his immediate family. “Nevin’s not coming,” he announced. Then, before Nevin could be unjustly accused of anything, Colin continued. “He got called in to work. A friend of his has been kidnapped.”
“Kidnapped!” his dad exclaimed. “By whom?”
“I don’t know yet. I don’t have any details. I’m going to keep my phone nearby at dinner, though. Just in case.”
His mom came over and gazed searchingly into his face. “Are you all right, honey?”
“I’m not the one who was kidnapped, Mom. I’m fine. A little worried, and I’m disappointed you don’t get to meet him, but that’s all.”
Although she clearly wanted to say more, she didn’t. That was a win.
Soon afterward, everyone gathered in the dining room. A few of the more clueless people asked about Trent, but Miranda gained points by steering the conversation into the more turbulent waters of politics. Everyone left Colin alone, instead squabbling loudly about who was likely to end up on the following year’s presidential ticket.
Colin’s phone buzzed in his pocket just as his dad was distributing turkey. Colin gave him an apologetic look before ducking into the kitchen.
No news on J. I’m at his bf’s place, drinking tea. Safe.
Can I help? Colin sent back.
No. Fuck. J’s bf, Qay? A goddamn mess. I don’t blame him.
Neither did Colin. And it gave him a weird sense of pride to know his boyfriend was there, doing whatever he could to give moral support. I still love you.
Dope, Nevin texted. Colin grinned.
Although the meal smelled wonderful and doubtless tasted even better, Colin ate little. He wasn’t as worried about Nevin’s safety anymore, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t concerned. What if something awful happened to Jeremy? Nevin didn’t have many friends, and he’d be devastated.
A couple of hours later, as everyone lounged in a tryptophan stupor in the living room, Colin’s phone buzzed again. This time it was a call, so he hurried to his old bedroom to answer. “What’s happening?” he demanded.
“They found him. He’s alive but really banged up. Those motherfuckers tortured him!” Despite the anger, Nevin sounded exhausted.
“Why?” asked Colin.
“Some stupid shit having to do with Jeremy’s ex. I don’t know. There’s never a good reason for this kind of crap.”
“Will he be all right?”
“Dunno. He’s in surgery now.”
Shit. “How’s his boyfriend?”
“Qay?” Nevin huffed audibly. “He used to be a junkie, so he can’t even numb himself with a couple stiff shots. I gotta say, though, he’s holding it together surprisingly well. If something like this happened to you….”
“It won’t.”
Neither of them spoke for a bit, but that was all right. Colin figured Nevin just needed to know he was there. Meanwhile, Colin paced his room. His posters were gone, the walls long since repainted, but his old bed remained, along with his dresser and desk and chair. The house contained more bedrooms than his parents needed, so it wasn’t a great surprise that they hadn’t repurposed this one. Still, it felt a little as though they wanted to preserve it, to keep a place for him in case he returned. The idea both upset and soothed him in equal measures.
“I’ll let you get back to your holiday,” Nevin said.
“I can talk to you.”
“No. Look, I’m gonna stick around until we learn more. I’ll call you then.”
“Okay. Nev? Will you come over to my place after? Please?”
Another silence. Then, “Okay.”
When Colin returned to the living room, his mom drew him aside. “What’s going on, honey?”
“They found Nevin’s friend, but he’s not in good shape.”
“Oh no!”
“Yeah, I didn’t ask for any details. He’s in surgery, and Nev’s being moral support for the boyfriend.”
She stroked his cheek. “Are you okay?”
“Mom, I’ve never even met Jeremy. I wish I could be there to… support Nevin’s supporting, I guess. But he’s got this. And I’ll be there for him when he gets home.” The last word was out of his mouth before he realized the implications. He winced.
“You’ve been seeing a lot of each other. He’s important to you.”
“He is.”
She looked searchingly into his eyes. “But he’s commitment shy?”
“He has issues. Jeez, so do I. Mine are different, is all.”
“I just don’t want to see you get hurt, sweetheart.”
“I know you don’t. But here’s the thing. He’s always been completely up-front with me about what he can and can’t handle, so it’s not like he’s leading me on. He’s doing his best. Until he got that call today, he was ready to come here, and for him… I think he’d rather be shot at. But he was going to do it.”
Something exciting must have happened in the football game, because the assembled audience erupted into noise. His mom ignored them, concentrating on Colin instead. “I’m not trying to criticize him. I’ll wait until I meet him for that.” She grinned briefly. “But no matter how hard he’s trying or how understanding you are, if it doesn’t work out….”
“I know, Mom. I’m taking a risk. It’s about time I tried that, don’t you think? I’d rather have a broken heart than spend my life swaddled in emotional Bubble Wrap.”
After a thoughtful pause, she nodded. “You’re right. And I know you’re not fourteen years old anymore. But that doesn’t mean I can stop worrying. I’m still your mother.”
He gave her a quick hug. “I know you love me. How about if you help me pack up some leftovers so Nevin can eat later?”
“Done.”
NEVIN SHOWED up late, ragged and exhausted. But he’d texted earlier, so Colin knew that Jeremy was going to be all right and that Qay wasn’t completely freaking out.
“Is everyone safe now?” Colin asked as he helped remove Nevin’s coat.
“Yeah. Two of the fucknuggets are dead, and the others are going to spend the rest of their miserable lives in prison.” He stood passively, allowing Colin to remove his suit jacket and shirt. “And Qay proved his mettle. If I’d met him before, I might have had my doubts. Germy’s had shitty taste in men. This one’s a keeper, though. High maintenance, but worth it.”
“That’s good.” Colin unfastened Nevin’s belt and slacks, then pushed them down to Nevin’s feet. He and Nevin tangled awkwardly for a moment as Colin struggled to remove Nevin’s shoes, but eventually Nevin was undressed except for underwear and socks. Colin towed him to the couch and gently pushed him down before draping him with the fleece blanket.
“I’m going to heat you up some dinner.”
Slumping against the cushions, Nevin yawned. “Parker brought me some food. Rhoda’s son.”
Colin was glad to hear that. “How long ago?”
“Dunno.” Another yawn. “A while.”
“Do you want to eat again? It’s Thanksgiving. You should be uncomfortably full.”
Nevin smiled sleepily at him. “Sure. Thanks.”
While he was at it, Colin reheated a plate for himself too. Nevin made appreciative noises while he ate. “’S good,” he said through a mouthful of stuffing.
“Better when it’s not nuked, but yeah.”
“I’m sorry I missed—”
“Don’t.”
“You’re not angry with me?” Nevin frowned.
“Why would I be angry? You didn’t kidnap Jeremy. You’re a good friend, Nev. The kind people can count on.”
Nevin blinked in confusion, as if he’d never thought of himself as that kind of person. Colin chuckled. “C’mon. Finish up and come to bed.”
“Too tired to ravish you. Jesus, I’m getting old. Never thought I’d be too wiped to fuck.”
Twenty minutes later they lay spooned in bed with Legolas perched on the pillow beside Nevin’s head. Nevin shifted restlessly until Colin wrapped his arms around him, at which point Nevin settled at once.
“Are there leftovers for tomorrow?” Nevin asked.
“Yep. Turkey and cranberry sauce sandwiches for lunch.”
“Mmm. Did you have a nice time with your family?”
“Sure.”
“Collie?”
Colin made an interrogative noise as he yawned.
“I’m thankful for you.”
Chapter Twenty-One
December 2015
COLIN WAS a goddamn saint. He didn’t bitch about the missed Thanksgiving dinner and didn’t ask Nevin to make up for it in any way. He didn’t even push to reschedule a parental meet and greet, although Nevin was certain that would be coming soon enough. And then, just when things were running smoothly again, it was Jeremy’s turn to call in a panic. Apparently Qay had relapsed and then taken a runner, and Jeremy was frantic to find him.
“I’ll make sure all the gorillas keep an eye out for him,” Nevin promised. He’d also warn them to go easy. As far as he knew, Qay hadn’t broken any laws, and the last thing they needed to do was spook him. On the other hand, Nevin wasn’t feeling optimistic about the results of the search. Personal experience had taught him how easy it was for someone to disappear.
He spent most of the following days visiting dive bars and talking to junkies and drug dealers but finding no sign of Qay. In between those forays, he and Rhoda teamed up to keep Jeremy from making himself sick with worry. Nevin didn’t see much of Colin. And Colin didn’t complain about that either.
On a Sunday two weeks before Christmas, Nevin finally managed a few free hours. He headed immediately to Colin’s loft, where man and cat greeted him enthusiastically.
“Promise me,” Nevin said over take-out Thai, “that you will never rabbit like that.”
