Change of heart, p.32
Change of Heart, page 32
Chapter Eighteen - Tina
The party didn’t take long to break up after Seth left. Greg eventually got frustrated and left, not that I blame him. I’m sure there were plenty of other girls on campus that would kill to be with him. I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t one of them right now.
Jaden left with Emma and Dylan with Kyla. Everyone kept asking me if I was okay. I told them I was, but ushered them out of the apartment as fast as I could. I cleaned up the apartment while I was waiting for Seth to come home. Should I call him? Was it even any of my business?
As I wiped off counters, swept up beer bottle caps and cheese puffs, I kept telling myself I was doing so because I had to clean up the apartment after the party. But I did way more cleaning than necessary and then I cleaned stuff that clearly didn’t need cleaning, like between the buttons on the microwave. Yes, pressing business indeed.
Cleaning helped me get my mind of Seth. The whole place was spotless by midnight. Finally, I just resigned myself to the fact that he had probably slept with Mia. She was so pretty with her deep red hair and green eyes. And I knew she was actually a kind and real person too, unlike a lot of my other friends.
I went to bed crying.
Almost as soon as I had the lights off, I heard the door open and my heart leapt. I was half tempted to get up, jump into Seth’s arms and kiss him. I could tell him it was all my fault, that I loved him and missed him. Why couldn’t I just do that? Maybe I would talk to him while he lied in bed next to me. Yeah, jumping into his arms was too dramatic, too movie-of-the-week. We had to talk, like adults.
Unfortunately, he changed into his pajamas, walked over to the bed, grabbed his pillow and blanket and headed for the tub I had just cleaned. I didn’t know what to think then. Was he mad at me? Did he have sex with Mia? If he did, I think he would’ve stayed at her place. I was so confused and exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep. I just lied there, listening to see if I could hear him sleeping in the tub.
About 3:00 a. m., I heard the door to the bathroom open. Seth stepped into the room with me. I felt his gaze on my body but pretended to be asleep. I kept my breath even and didn’t move.
“Tina?” he whispered. “You awake?”
I didn’t move or speak. I wasn’t sure what I wanted and I had no idea what he wanted.
“Tina?” He didn’t raise his voice or really try to wake me. “Tina, I didn’t…”
My breath caught, and tears started streaming down my face. I was glad he couldn’t see me in the dark. I wanted him to come to bed, but I couldn’t breathe enough to speak.
But before I could do anything, Seth plodded out and returned to the bathroom.
***
Early the next morning, Seth was still asleep in the bathtub. I got up and got dressed. I stood in the bathroom door looking at him. Was he faking being asleep like I did? Why didn’t he just come to bed last night?
What the fuck. I don’t understand this guy!
I walked to campus and went straight into the coffee house. I got the biggest, blackest plain coffee I could afford from my change jar slash savings account and sat there thinking. I had hours before my classes started.
What was I doing? What were we doing? We’re living together and having sex. Wasn’t that a relationship? I mean, why wouldn’t it be? Does someone have to say it’s a relationship to make it so? If that’s true, maybe that’s all I have to do.
Picking up my phone, I switched over to text and found Seth’s number. I started writing a few different messages but kept erasing them. Was he even awake? Maybe he was still asleep. I aborted the whole process and put my head in my hands.
“Hey, you okay?” said a voice.
I looked up. It was Sal from my Poly Sci class. He was a nice guy. Everyone in the class liked him. He was pretty good looking too. I looked up at him. Would he be someone that I could have a relationship with and rebel against my parents? Was that the point of all this? What was I doing?
“I’m fine,” I said, running a hand through my hair and trying to fix it. “Rough night studying. Stayed up too late. Just came here to think.”
“Oh, should I go?” he asked.
“No-no, sit,” I offered. “You’re fine, Sal. Sorry. Just out of it.”
“Sometimes it helps to talk,” he smiled, taking the chair across from me. “You got problems at home or with classes?”
“Both,” I said. “I have all this work to do for an internship I’ve barely started.”
“Yeah, college can be intense,” he said, after taking a sip of his coffee. “But you have to learn to relax. It was hard for me. I was always an overachiever in high school.”
“I could imagine that,” I said, nodding. “What about now?”
“College has made me feel a lot smaller and humbler,” he laughed. “But that’s okay, right? I mean, I gained a new perspective. Before I came here, I didn’t know anyone from Asia or Europe or the Mid-West or the South even. You get all these different perspectives and it changes. I’m not the same person I was in my first semester.”
“Yeah, me neither,” I agreed. “Seems like life got really complicated. Why is that?”
“Maybe it was always complicated,” he said with a shrug. “It’s just that we’ve been trained to notice it more. Poly Sci definitely does that. Seems like everyone’s so anxious to protest for the sake of protesting. They don’t ask themselves if they truly know anything about the issue in question.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “My problems are a little more close to home. My parents are very religious. They’re having trouble letting go. I feel so boxed in with them.”
“Give them time,” he advised. “My Italian parents were kind of like that. Not so much religious, but they didn’t want to let go of their little boy. But you know, you have to go out there, make mistakes and grow.”
“Yeah,” I agreed. “I just wish I could grow without making all those mistakes. It’s so embarrassing and confusing. I just… Well, I just don’t know where to turn sometimes, you know.”
“You want to tell me the details of your problem, maybe say… over dinner?” he offered with a grin.
I smiled and winced. “Sorry,” I said. “I can’t. Part of my deal is, I don’t know if I should be dating someone great like you or the guy I am already sort of, kind of dating.”
He raised an eyebrow. “Ah, it’s complicated, eh?”
I nodded. “It’s very complicated. That’s what I’m trying to figure out.”
“Well, I won’t keep you any longer then,” he said, standing up from the table. “I hope you figure things out.”
“Thanks, Sal.”
“No problem.”
Sal got up and headed out. He seemed nice, but I couldn’t see myself with him. Not in a comfortable way. Aw, shit. There was only Seth in my head and in my heart. Why?
I decided to call Lindsay. It had taken weeks and weeks of uncertain texting back and forth, but we’d finally made up. She apologized for not calling sooner about her engagement but still didn’t say much about her life with Brent. Maybe she was just trying not to rub it in that she was deliriously happy.
I grabbed my phone, walked outside and found a park bench away from everyone.
“Hey,” greeted Lindsay.
“Hey,” I said. “How are the wedding plans going?”
“Good-good,” she said curtly, but didn’t elaborate. “What’s wrong?”
“How do you know something’s wrong? I could just be calling to talk to my friend,” I said. “Jeez, give me some credit.”
“Okay,” she said and then added after a pause. “What’s wrong?”
“I just had this guy hit on me from class. He’s cute, and sweet. I turned him down. I can’t seem to get comfortable around any guy but Seth. What’s wrong with me?” I asked.
“You’re in love with Seth,” said Lindsay.
“What? No. That’s dumb.” I twirled a lock of hair around my finger. “I’m not. I’ll admit, there is a sexual attraction, but…” I said, drifting off.
“How many times?”
“How many times, what?”
“How many times have you played checkers? What do you think?” I could almost hear her shake her head through the phone.
“Let’s see. There was then and then and… Oh, my God.”
“Yeah, you must really hate him the way you keep banging him,” she said sarcastically.
“But I don’t want to be in love with Seth!” I insisted. “I just wanted to have him piss off my parents for a while.”
“So, you used him?”
“No,” I said, then thinking about it. “Yes. Maybe. Okay.”
“Let me ask you,” posed Lindsay. “What would you think of Seth if you hadn’t had all this history with him? If you just met him for the first time in college?”
“Oh, I’d still hate him,” I insisted. “He’s a jerk.”
“For what?”
“He wouldn’t let me have my parties. For instance.”
“You partied non-stop in your room, you told me. He’s down the hall trying to study. What other reaction do you expect him to have?”
I looked down at the ground, feeling sheepish. “He could’ve come over and partied.”
“You didn’t invite him.”
“That shouldn’t matter,” I said with a wave of my hand I knew she couldn’t see. “It’s college.”
“Do you hear the words that come out of your mouth sometimes, Tina?” she asked, exasperated. “You wanted to punish Daddy, so you did. But now you like the boy you used to hate.”
“I don’t. He’s gross.”
“Gross enough to fuck?”
“I never had sex before him,” I countered. “He was just a convenient… dick.”
“Uh-huh,” she said unconvinced. “You don’t even sound convincing saying that.”
“Okay, maybe I’m just super attracted to him because he’s the first guy I did it with,” I suggested. “But that hold… I mean, I could get with another guy.”
“You just told me you turned down a guy. You could’ve fucked him. And you would have, if you weren’t in love with Seth!” insisted Lindsay.
“I think you’re just obsessed with him,” I said aloof. “That’s not healthy.”
“Admittedly, if I wasn’t engaged and my best friend wasn’t totally in love with him, I might, possibly think he’s hot,” said Lindsay. “You’re probably going to hang up this phone and fuck him within the hour.”
“I am not.”
“Who are you trying to convince, Tina?” she laughed. “You moved in with him.”
“But…”
“Do you have to be so in denial?” Lindsay stopped me. “Just date him. You’re already living with him. You might as well enjoy it. Are you actually going to not-date him when you’re sleeping right next to him? I mean… Talk about an awkward break up.”
“All right. I have to go. Thanks.”
“Enjoy you’re amazing sex with Seth in like ten minutes,” she sang.
“Shut up. Bye.”
I walked home, annoyed with Lindsay and myself. Did I love Seth? Did I want to have sex with him again? I did. I thought about having his hands on my body. His lips on mine. I wanted to put my hands all over his hard, muscular body. I wanted his cock in my mouth.
The bathtub was empty when I got home. Seth had left a note. He had gone to the library to work on his internship presentation.
Damn.
Feeling frustrated in more ways than one, I got my project out and started working on it too.
Chapter Nineteen - Seth
Days later and it was time for our presentations to Dean Williams. I had everything ready for my project: charts, prospectus, numbers. Everything in one slick package. I had gotten it done in plenty of time, so I wouldn’t be scrambling.
Tina was scrambling. When I got up to get ready to see the dean, she was still making posters for her project. She looked really upset. I tried to give her some space first and went into the bathroom to grab a shower.
While I was in the shower, I tried to decide whether or not I should offer my help. Things had been tense around the apartment the last few days. We hadn’t talked or done anything together. And we definitely didn’t have sex. That had been fine with me. I was busy and spent most of my days in the campus library on the computer gathering data for my project.
Tina, on the other hand, kind of worked on her project, but also threw two parties. Well, the second wasn’t really much of a party, but still. She was drinking and not working. I don’t know how she expected to get it done. I sensed that she was in a little over her head.
I should just let her fail and not help her. Who cares what her presentation is like? She didn’t even wake me up for the last interview. If I hadn’t gotten up that day, I might not even be in the running for the internship. She would be on the internship right now and I’ll be wondering what the hell happened to my life.
Then I thought, Is this the kind of person I want to be? I mean, seriously, if you can help someone in their time of need, why wouldn’t you? Sure, she hasn’t always been nice to me, but you have to turn the other cheek. The truth was, I didn’t want to be angry and bitter toward women like my father. I had known that, quietly inside for a long time. I had to be the better person, not for her, but for me.
I had dismissed this when I was mad at her, which was often, but Tina always did seem to have it rough with her folks. They were very strict and more religious than my family. I had to put myself in her shoes, I guess. When I really thought about what motivated her irresponsible behavior, I couldn’t deny that she seemed to be desperately trying to get away from them and enjoy a little bit of life, even if she did overshoot the mark here and there. That was a shame. I mean, I had my problems with my dad for sure, but I didn’t want to move out just to get away from his very presence.
I couldn’t imagine what it was like to be constantly pressured by your parents to get married and have kids. Basically, that was like being told, over and over, that you could never be anything more than a mother and wife. Like you couldn’t also have a life and career while having a family? What century did her parents come from?
For me, I needed to work. Working was who I am. Without a job or without a career, I’d be adrift without purpose. And while, on the one hand, there’s nothing wrong with having kids and staying home to raise them, it’s still a big commitment. It’s almost impossible to do that all by yourself, and have a real career.
My dad constantly preached about that. He said the family unit was being undermined. But it was hard to separate that from his bitterness toward my mom. I couldn’t blame him though, she was selfish for leaving the way she did.
But I tried to put it all out of my mind. Thinking about my folks always put me in a dark mood. I needed to be “up” today for my presentation. You wanted to look happy and full of energy. You couldn’t do that when you’re internalizing about your parents’ divorce. I had to leave that unpleasantness behind me and stay in the moment.
I got out of the shower, got ready and got dressed. Meeting a client wasn’t just about how the project looked, it was also about how you looked. I didn’t want the dean to see me as a student giving him a presentation, but as a man who had come in with a business idea and who was pitching him a viable business proposition.
When I left the bathroom, Tina was still scrambling. She had papers laid out across the floor and was trying to remember all the pieces of her project to get it right. The struggle was evident, but I couldn’t let her simply drown. It just wouldn’t be right. I sighed and walked over to her.
“Would you like some help with this?” I asked, sitting down on the floor next to her.
She stared at me for a long minute, one eyebrow raised, trying to surmise my motivation.
I shrugged and put up my hands. “Honestly,” I said. “I just want to help. C’mon, we’ll get your project done and then go see the dean together. What do you want me to do?”
She nodded and looked down at her work. After shuffling things for a few minutes, she pulled out a few poster boards of various colors. “Can you paint the letters on these posters?” she asked. She smiled at me a little.
I nodded. I was pretty good with signing lettering. I had a steady hand and my penmanship was always sharp.
I grabbed a nearby sharpie and started outlining the letters she had traced in pencil in black ink. Having an outline would make painting easier. The poster I started on was labeled food. “So, what’s your project?” I asked. “Some kind of carnival?”
“Yeah,” she said. “I figured we can do rides, games and food. All the proceeds would go to the school.”
“Solid pitch,” I said, reaching over and grabbing the yellow paint. “You know, you could probably cut the costs by getting local businesses to sponsor some of the prizes. And, you know, the fraternities are always looking for charity work. You could have the brothers run some of the games, rides and vendors.”
She pulled herself up to a kneeling position and looked thoughtful for a moment before reaching for a stack of printed out photographs. “I don’t know if I like the idea of frat brothers handling money,” she said, chewing her bottom lip slightly. “Won’t they just steal it?”
I shook my head and started filling in an O with yellow paint. “Most of the fraternities are about doing public service,” I noted. “Plus, they have such a horrible reputation nationally, all the frats are desperate to change their image. Plus, I think the dean would love the idea of getting them involved.”
“It would involve the college and save on overhead,” she thought. “That’s actually a great idea. Any others?”
“Yeah, you could get all that vegan, non-dairy, gluten-free stuff,” I suggested. “Then you can charge through the nose. People pay big bucks for that. The key is, make the carnival cheap to get in, but you jack up the food prices. Once people are in, they’ll get hungry and thirsty and won’t want to leave because they are already inside. No one wants to risk waiting in line again.”
