Unstable, p.7
Unstable, page 7
“Wow, you still got them all in one breath, guess you’re not so old after all,” Liz jokes.
“Yeah, you’re damn right I did,” I say, laughing along with her.
“Here you go, babe, take the first piece,” Marc says. He plops a giant piece of cake on a plate and slides it to me.
I eagerly grab my fork and dig in. The sweet taste of vanilla and chocolate touch my tongue. So good!
“Mmmmmm, this is delicious and you ordered it with the whipped frosting I love so much. Thank you!”
“Of course, babe.” Marc smiles.
“It is really good,” Freya says through a mouthful of cake. Everyone nods their heads in agreement
When we're all finished with the cake, I start grabbing the gifts my friends got me, so I can open them. I start with Ren’s, and, as promised, she has the penis shaped suckers in there along with a dirty thirty shot glass and a thirty flirty and thriving wine tumbler. I put the gifts back in the bag, give her a hug, and thank her. Next, I move on to Liz’s gift,
“My god, Liz, what did you put in here, a brick?” I ask. It’s an effort to heave the present into my lap.
“Yeah, you know, I thought you could use a single brick for your front yard,” she quips and rolls her eyes.
I mock her eye roll right back, rip out all of the tissue paper on top and reach in to pull out this heavy gift. The first box I pull out is a sound machine. Useful.
“You said you were having trouble sleeping,” she says in defense when I look over to her with a raised eyebrow.
I put it aside and pull out the next box, which consists of bath bombs and facial masks.
“So, you can be more relaxed before you go to sleep,” she says. “Pull out the last thing,”
I reach in and realize I need two hands to pull it out of the bag since it is quite heavy. When I finally get it out, I see that it’s a weighted blanket. No wonder it was so heavy. I chuckle and give her a huge grin.
“Wow thank you, Liz, this is so thoughtful!” I say moving toward her to give her a hug.
“You’re welcome, I figured you could use all the help you could get so you can sleep,” she laughs.
“That she does,” Marc says nodding his head while raising his bottle of beer as a salute.
“Okay, okay, open mine next,” says Freya as she moves her gift in front of me.
I take out all of the tissue paper from the bag, reach in, and pull out two of my favorite bottles of Moscato, along with a wine glass that says, Talk Thirty to Me. I reach my hand in again and pull out the final gift: a gift card to my favorite coffee place. Yum.
“Awesome! Thank you, Freya! I love them!” I tell her, getting up to give her a hug.
“You’re welcome… ya old lady.” She laughs as she takes another sip of her margarita.
“Whoa... I think you’ve had way too much there,” I laugh, “and who are you calling old? You're two years older than I am.”
“Touché,” she says, raising her cup in salute, causing everyone to erupt in carefree laughter. Man, I really needed this.
“Hey, I’m hungry again, who wants to order a pizza?” I ask.
“Oooo pizza,” Ren and Liz say together.
“I’m always up for some pizza,” Glen says.
“Alright, what does everyone want and I can call and have it delivered,” Marc says.
We rattle off our orders, and everyone is in agreement with having plain cheese. To be safe, we also get one with pepperoni for the guys. The guy on the phone, Rick, says the pizza will take about forty-five minutes to get to us. While we’re waiting, we start to clean up a little to make room and go back to chatting and having some more drinks.
“So, you’re not sleeping, how come?” Ren asks, a little disappointed that I informed Liz and not her, but she tries to hide it.
I feel everyone’s attention on me and I look to Marc for assurance, but his face is hard to decipher. I can’t tell if he thinks I should tell them or not.
What the hell, might as well.
The liquid courage convinces me to come clean about everything. I have been dying to tell someone else to confirm I’m not crazy. I start from the beginning and divulge everything: the sleep paralysis mixed with the terrifying dream about murdering an old man in cold blood, as well as all the weird stuff happening in the house. They stay silent, their eyes fixed on me, so I continue. I briefly mention my forgetfulness, and sleepwalking, but of course I leave out the feelings of enjoyment I had from taking a life. When I’m done recapping, they’re all staring at me, mouths slightly ajar and eyes wide with disbelief and shock. Suspicion? I can’t really tell. Carl breaks the silence first.
“Wow, that’s a lot,” he says, running a hand through his hair exactly like Marc does. Must be a guy thing.
“Yeah, honey, why didn’t you tell us sooner?” Ren chimes in with a look of worry on her face.
“Yeah, jeez Autumn, do you really think someone was in your house?” Liz asks with fear and a hint of skepticism lacing her voice.
“Forget someone in her house. You don’t actually think you murdered anyone do you?” Ren asks although I can’t tell if she’s afraid for me or of me. Not knowing which sends shivers down my spine.
“I don’t know, I don’t know… I was hoping that confiding in you guys, would be able to… I don’t know… help me feel less crazy about it,” I say looking at each of them trying to see where they stand on the subject and wondering deep down if they do think I’m crazy.
A glimpse of fear flashes across Freya’s face, but is gone almost as instantly. I wonder if I imagined it. In place of fear, her face is now pensive as she starts to bite her nails. I’ve known her long enough to know this is what she does when she’s debating about telling someone something they don’t want to hear.
“Spit it out, Freya, I can take it.” I say. She flinches at my directness, but I can tell she is dying to tell me.
“It’s probably nothing, but… I had this friend.” She takes a deep breath before she continues. “She started forgetting where she put things, and forgetting when she would do tasks. Then she started having these hallucinations she thought were real. She couldn't tell what was real or not anymore.” She looks down now nervous to continue, but Ray looks at her and squeezes her hand and urges her to keep going.
“Well… she ended up going to the doctor to get checked out and they found a tumor in her brain.” Freya looks back up and quickly says, “But I’m sure what’s happening with you isn’t the same thing.”
All I can do is stare at her in shock. I wanted to be told I wasn’t crazy, but I didn’t want this alternative to be the reason why. I hardly feel Marc come beside me and hold my hand trying to talk to me. I shake off the feeling of unease. I look toward him to try and ground myself.
“Babe, it’s okay, it’s probably not even the same thing. You’re exhausted, and it’s a lot to take in. Let’s not think about it right now.”
“Yeah, she’s not saying you have the same diagnosis. I mean, the symptoms aren’t even that similar,” Liz says as she leans toward me and puts her hand on mine to reassure me. Nothing like the news of murder and a possible brain tumor to sober everyone up and kill the celebratory mood.
Suddenly, we hear the doorbell from inside the house, and everyone practically jumps out of their skin. Marc gives my shoulder a light reassuring squeeze before he gets up to answer the door. Until now I had forgotten all about ordering the pizza. I don’t have an appetite anymore.
He comes back holding the pizza boxes in his hand and has some paper plates sitting on top of them. He sets them on the table and everyone starts grabbing for a plate and a slice of pizza. He puts a slice of cheese on a plate and puts it in front of me, asking me with his eyes if I’m okay. I give him a reassuring look and nod my head slightly, even though I’m anything but.
We all eat our pizza in silence for a while, letting our minds wander and try to forget the conversation of minutes ago. I’m still picking at my same slice when I excuse myself to the bathroom. Nobody objects. They all look at me with concern or pity, I can’t tell. Once I’m in the bathroom, I close the door and stand over the sink looking at myself in the mirror. Could I have a tumor in there? Is that what’s happening to me? I turn on the faucet and cup my hands under the cold water before splashing it across my flushed face. I do that a couple more times before I start to feel a calmness spread throughout me. I hear a light tap at the door so I turn the faucet off and pat my face dry.
“I’ll be out in a minute,” I call, trying to keep my voice as light and even as possible.
“Babe, it’s me, can I come in?”
I move to unlock the door and step back so he can open it.
“Babe, it’s okay, I’m sure there is nothing wrong with you. Why don’t you come back out and enjoy the rest of your birthday?” he says as he moves to pull me in his arms.
“Yeah, you’re probably right, I’m fine,” I say, trying to convince myself more than him.
We walk back out to the patio where everyone is still eating their pizza, but stop and look up when they see me coming back out.
“Hey girlie, you okay, I didn’t mean to worry you, especially not on your birthday. I’m awful. Can we pretend I didn’t say anything?” Freya asks desperately.
“It’s fine, I’m fine, don’t worry about it. I’m glad you told me. In a way it kind of makes me feel better,” I tell her. I hope my words have the reassuring tone I intend.
Sitting in awkward silence, we can all tell the night is pretty much over. What started out as a pretty great birthday has ended in disaster. Everyone switches to water in attempts to sober up. The forced conversation is almost unbearable, but better than discussing my impending brain tumor or whether or not I’m a murderer.
“The girls start their piano lessons this week,” I blurt out.
“That’s awesome! I took lessons when I was a kid and loved it. I’m sure they will too,” Freya says, eating up the change of subject.
“Yeah, I did too, for a time. I only remember the beginning of one song now.” I say with a forced chuckle.
“We are going on a cruise in a couple weeks to the Bahamas,” Liz chimes in making us all hate her a tiny bit.
“Wow! That sounds amazing!” I tell her. “We haven’t been on a vacation in, I don’t know how long.”
“Same here,” Ren and Freya say at the same time, looking to their husbands accusingly. Even that topic doesn’t last long before everyone falls silent again.
“So, Ren, when are you due?” Freya asks.
“We are due in late April! We find out the gender right before Thanksgiving!” she says unable to contain her excitement.
“That’s awesome! What are you guys thinking it will be?” Liz asks.
“We don’t care, as long as they are healthy,” Ren says. “But I also would love for it to be a girl.”
“I am more hoping for a boy,” Glen chimes in.
“I vote boy,” Ray says at the same time as Carl.
“Do you already have names picked out,” Freya asks.
“Not yet, we are still looking and trying to narrow it down,” Ren replies.
Not even the topic of an impending baby is enough to save the conversation and the awkward silence returns. I have no choice but to call it a night. Final wishes of happy birthday are called out to me as they leave and close the door behind them.
Lost in our own thoughts, Marc and I clean up the table and throw all the plates, empty cans, and bottles away in silence. All traces of festivities erased, the silence between us becomes unbearable.
“Marc?” I ask in a small hesitant voice.
“I know, babe,” he says as he pulls me into a warm embrace.
“If I keep forgetting things or having any more realistic dreams where I can’t tell if I’m dreaming or actually doing the stuff in my dream, can I please go get checked out?” I keep my face buried in his chest, scared he might judge me and think it’s stupid.
“Of course, baby, I would never want that lingering over you. I would rather have peace of mind than unknowns. If you want, we can schedule you an appointment on Monday.”
“No, I’m sure it’s fine, I’ll just wait and see for now, but thank you!” I say squeezing my arms tightly around him.
6
I am definitely feeling the effects of all the alcohol I consumed last night. I feel like death with this raging headache. Should have switched to water sooner, ugh. Only thing I need now is lots of Tylenol, some food, and coffee. So thankful my parents have the girls until eleven. Marc comes downstairs shortly after me holding his head as well, so I pass him the Tylenol before returning my attention back to my piping hot coffee.
“Thank you,” he says through a yawn, “that was some get together last night.”
“Yes, it was. I don’t remember the last time we drank so much. Thank god we don’t have to get the girls until later this afternoon,” I say grabbing eggs and bacon out of the fridge making him wince.
“That’s for sure, however, I might have mentioned to them that we could go swimming when we picked them up,” he says, peering at me over his coffee mug.
“You didn’t,” I wince as the feeling of dread creeps up on me. “I thought we could have a nice relaxing day today; you know, movie day or something.”
“Don’t worry, babe, if you don’t feel up to it, we can tell the girls no, or I can always take them myself.”
“No, no it’s fine,” I say, rubbing my temples. “I’m definitely going to need a second cup of coffee, and about three more Tylenol.”
Silence falls over us while we eat breakfast and drink our coffee. I wish I had an iced one instead. I’ll get one later anyway.
“Do you want to head up and take a shower,” he asks. The passion in his eyes, however, betrays his ulterior motives.
“Yeah, that would be nice,” I say, getting up abruptly so he gets the hint I want to be alone. His curt nod tells me he does and I’m thankful for the space.
The shower takes longer than anticipated since I spend the majority of it letting the water fall on me, trying to wash away last night’s drinking and conversation. I get out, realizing it’s already time to leave and curse myself for taking so long.
“I’m so sorry! I didn't mean to take that long.” I tell him.
“No worries, I can shower in the locker room before we swim.”
I hurry to gather up the girls’ swimsuits and towels so they can change when we get to the pool while Marc grabs the floaties, and goggles along with his swim trunks. I don’t think I want to swim at all, but at the last minute, I decide to throw my bathing suit on under my clothes in case I want to enjoy the pool with my family. I grab a sketch book from my studio, figuring I can at least get some sketches done so I have ideas for other paintings.
When we arrive, the girls are already running out of the house with my parents in tow carrying their overnight bags.
“Mommy! Daddy!” they yell in unison.
I get out of the car and kneel in front of them bracing for the impact.
“Oof,” I say. “Hey, girls! Did you have fun at Grammy and Papa’s house?”
“Yes, lots of fun,” Anna says, stepping back out of my arms to be picked up by Marc.
“We got pancakes for breakfast,” Ada tells me, staying in my arms so I can pick her up.
“So how was the birthday get together?” Mom asks. “You know you can leave these two with us more often. They are perfect little angels.”
“Yeah, Mom, it was really good. And who? Not these two,” I joke, “couldn’t be.” I tickle Ada till she laughs and squirms in my arms wanting to be put down. Before I do, I notice that Anna is also laughing like she is being tickled too, but she isn’t. I set Ada in her car seat, buckle her all in, and turn back to Mom.
“Thanks again for watching them, Mom, we really needed that night off,” I say with more truth than I originally thought.
“Oh hun, you know those two are always welcome over here. We love having them.”
“Well, we might have to take you up on that then. Where’s Dad by the way?” I ask, looking around for any sign of him.
“Oh, he’s putting some cookies in to-go containers for the girls,” she says and smiles.
“What are you saying about me?” Dad asks as he walks out with four containers.
“Oh my god, Dad! We do not need that many cookies,” I say.
“Nonsense! We do need them,” Marc says as he comes around the car to grab them.
“See?” Dad says with a smirk on his face as he hands the cookies over to him.
“Fine,” I say, shaking my head.
When everything is all loaded up, we say our final goodbyes and head toward the pool.
The pool is fairly packed, but we manage to snag a few lawn chairs next to the four-foot end. We get everything all settled and I take the girls to change into their swimsuits while Marc watches our stuff, making sure no one else takes the chairs. We come out and the girls take off ahead of me to run to Marc, who is waiting with their floaties. The girls are so impatient, it takes longer than it should to secure them on to their tiny arms. After Marc slides the last floaty in place on Anna’s arm, they race away heading for the water.
“Whoa there! Not so fast. I still need to put on my swim trunks, monkeys,” he says, reaching to grab their hands.
“Hurry, Daddy!” Anna says as she grabs for her goggles.
“We want to go in now!” Ada says finishing Anna’s sentence
While he’s gone, I grab the sunscreen and generously apply it to their fair skin. They hardly sit still long enough, so it’s lucky I finish as he comes back into view.
“Okay, monkeys, are you ready to get in?” he asks? “Oh, wait, can’t forget goggles for myself.”
“Yeah!” they scream with delight, heading toward the ladder.
“You going to hold down the fort here and guard the chairs babe?” he asks, “or do you want to come in with us?”
“I think I’ll hold down the fort for a bit, maybe do some sketching,” I say waving my sketchbook in the air.
