Changing gears, p.22
Changing Gears, page 22
They were silent from the lobby to Abi’s room, not even a glance passing between them until the door clicked shut.
“Have you got anything to say?” Abi’s gaze grew stonier the longer Jen remained silent. Eventually, Abi shrugged and shook her head, turning her back on her to dump her pack and sit on the edge of the bed.
The pressure in Jen’s chest spread as a flood of words and emotions swelled. She didn’t know where to begin. “I’m pretty sure I lost my job today.”
Abi glowered. “Over the video?” She levered her runners off and leaned back on her hands, her face unreadable.
“No, actually. Well, probably. In part.” Jen’s apprehension showed, and she shoved her hands in her pockets and peered at her feet. Crossing to the window, she looked out over George Street and talked to her reflection in the glass. “But mostly it’ll be because of Emily.”
“Now what’s happened?” Abi sounded dispirited, insouciant.
“I did what you said to do.”
“I don’t know what that means, Jen.” She scrubbed her face in frustration.
Jen broke out in a nervous sweat and shuffled her feet. The conversation wasn’t going the way she’d expected it would. She needed Abi to make things easy for her, soothe the fear and anguish, silence the voice in her head, tell her that whatever happened, everything would resolve itself. But of course that wasn’t happening. There were no shortcuts with Abi. Jen sucked down a galvanising breath, daring to turn around and meet her gaze. “We had another bullying incident today. Involving Emily, and… I probably said things I shouldn’t have, but Yvonne wouldn’t protect Emily so I had to do something… What you said to me, that I can change things for Emily and other kids like her….” She looked down at her hands and pulled absently on her fingers. “I realised how different my life would be if someone had done that for me when I was her age. I wouldn’t be going through all this… I’d already know who I am. I’d be ok with who I am.” Abi got up to stand beside her, and leaned against the window. She was silhouetted by the buildings, russet hair hanging about her shoulders in a brilliant curtain. She was beautiful, and as Jen looked at her, the rock in her chest burned. “This wouldn’t be so hard for me… to be honest with myself. Or with you.”
Abi cocked her head, her mouth a serious line.
“God, say something. Help me out here!”
“Hooh,” and Abi’s face crumpled. “Jen, I can’t do any of this for you. I’ve tried. I’ve given you more opportunities than I can shake a stick at. But it just hurts to be around you when you’re making such a fucking mess of it.“ She shook her head, her eyes full of misery. “You’re the only one who can get past whatever this is for you. I don’t even know what it is, to know how to help you any more.”
“Ever since Avignon, I’ve been turning myself inside out. You turned me inside out. Ever since you kissed me…”
Abi’s frown deepened, and she shook her head tersely. “This isn’t about me. You can’t blame…”
“Abi, I’m not…,” and Jen took her hand. Her fingers were long and strong, and she let herself be distracted by them as she grappled for words. Any words, words that wouldn’t stick in her throat or sound obtuse. Taking a calming breath, she slid closer to her. “You scare me.” Abi attempted to withdraw her hand, but she held fast. “Wait. Please… give me a minute.” Her eyes implored. “You’re right about me. I’m terrified, and I have no clue how to do any of this. But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying. I want… to do better. I do. I am! I didn’t defend myself today, not to MacKechnie, not to the students. I didn’t back away from any of it. I didn’t try to hide. I stood up for Emily. And all the other girls at school. I stood up so they can see someone do that for them.”
“So… now you’re comfortable being an ally, is that it?”
Jen groaned. She couldn’t figure out how to break down the barrier between them, and when she didn’t respond, Abi backed away, slipping her hand free of her grasp.
“Maybe you should go.”
“Are you really over me?” Jen asked.
Abi winced and looked away.
“Because I’m not over you.” The hairs on Jen’s arms stood on end, and she waited for her to look up. “I don’t want to be over you. We never really started. I don’t… I’m in love with you.” She struggled to catch a breath as the words came tumbling out. Abi’s blue eyes widened as she met her gaze. “But if you… if you’re over me, then ok. This has taken me too long. And I’ve hurt you, I get that.… even your mum told you this is a terrible idea.” Abi continued to peer at her, frozen to the spot, and Jen abruptly realised she’d said the wrong thing. The fire died in her chest and a raw lump settled in its place. “I shouldn’t… I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have come.” She glanced away as she tugged at her pendant, struggling to figure out what to do. “I should go. Yeah, I’m going to go.” She was at the door, her thoughts spinning, before Abi spoke up.
“I’m not over you.”
When Jen found the courage to turn, Abi was standing in front of her.
“I never got over you. God knows I’ve tried, but you,” and she pressed a hand to Jen’s chest, drifting closer, unable to meet her gaze. “I’m not over you.” Gripping hold of her blouse, she pulled her near. “I’m so not over you,” she whispered.
Jen kissed her, sinking into her as they wrapped their arms around one another. It was a relief, to taste her, to press herself tight against her, to breathe her in. A hot intoxication flooded her as Abi’s hands roamed. When they parted to catch their breath, Abi’s cheeks were flushed, her eyes a blue so deep Jen was mesmerised.
“So.” Abi smiled shyly, and stepped backwards into the room, pulling her with her. “You’re in love with me?”
Jen nodded. “Yeah, yeah I am.” They kissed again, a year’s worth of longing pouring out of them. She tugged Abi’s t-shirt out of her jeans and over her head, finally able to look at her without being coy.
Abi unbuttoned her blouse and pressed her lips to her throat, savouring her slow descent between her breasts. She slid it from her shoulders, and her bra quickly followed. Drawing her close, she kissed her again, but there was caution in her touch. “Is this ok? Are you…,” she trailed off as she stared at her. “Oh my god, you’re so….”
No one had ever looked at her the way Abi did, and Jen had never wanted anyone to touch her as much as she wanted Abi to touch her. She held her gaze as she walked out of her shoes and unbuttoned her slacks. “This is very, very ok.”
Sydney
Wednesday, 2 May, 2018
Jen woke late. She’d slept better than she had in a long while. Rolling over, she found Abi awake, her chin propped on her hand.
“Good morning, sleepyhead,” and Abi leaned in to kiss her languidly. “How are you doing?”
“Have you been watching me sleep?”
“Yeah, I’m a total creeper.”
Jen giggled. “Thought so. Just my type.”
Abi snuggled in tight and rested her head on her shoulder. Her body was a beguiling landscape, and Jen let her fingers stray.
“As much as I don’t want to distract you from what you’re doing, your phone’s been buzzing.”
“I don’t care.” Jen kissed her intensely, burying her hands in her hair.
“Argh, I hate having to be the responsible one,” Abi groaned, pulling away. She raised the sheet to stare down at her naked length before exhaling and covering her back up. “You need to check your phone.”
Jen went limp and closed her eyes. “No, not doing that.”
“Oh my god, what are you? Four?”
“I need an incentive.”
“Oh? You need an incentive?” She chuckled and breathed in her ear, sending a shiver through her. “Let’s see. What can I possibly do to encourage you…?” and she scooted down, disappearing under the covers. Jen moaned, laid back and closed her eyes as Abi undid her again.
It was noon when Jen finally worked up the courage to see who had been texting and calling incessantly all morning. Abi did what she could to make the task easier, ordering room service and rolling her in and out of the shower before making her sit down to deal with the fallout of yesterday’s showdown. She sat beside her and held her hand as Jen unlocked her phone, revealing a swath of text messages, missed calls and voicemails. Most of them were from the school, Yvonne’s personal number among them. Karen’s name was there too, her sister’s, and a number Jen didn’t recognise. She opened that one first, hoping for a gentle start.
“Dam, that’s Emily’s mother,” she muttered as she read the brief series of messages. A thank you for defending their daughter amongst them, and a request to call her back.
“That’s good, I guess?” Abi offered, pouring them coffee and feeding her a forkful of pancake.
“Let’s hope so,” she replied, giving her a sceptical eye. Jen wasn’t holding her breath. Karen’s messages were full of concern and offers to talk. Jen was more relieved by that than she expected she would be. Her Wednesday classes had been reassigned, but she was surprised to read Yvonne was expecting her to return to school as soon as possible. She texted back a thanks, grateful to have kept at least one ally in the kerfuffle.
“That’s a head-job, that they’re expecting you back.” Abi seemed more discombobulated by that than she was.
“Let’s see what Yvonne has to say first,” Jen sighed. “If Mrs Jamison has been in touch with me, she’s definitely been in touch with the school.”
“Who else is left?” and Abi looked at her phone, reaching over to tap between messages and missed calls. “Oh, your mum and your sister. Why on earth are they calling?”
“Is it too early for alcohol?”
Abi cocked an eyebrow at her.
“Bloody heck, Jen,” Caroline’s voice screeched across the room and Jen fumbled to turn the volume down. “Mum’s beside herself. What have you done? Your Principal rang her and said you’ve been leading girls astray or something. You need to call me, and mum! Pick up your bloody phone!”
Jen’s stomach sank, and she paled. “This is going to be a shitshow.”
Abi slid behind her on the chair and wrapped her arms around her waist. “You’ve got this. You’ll be ok.”
Jen took a deep breath and leaned back into her. It was unrealistic to expect there wouldn’t be drama. She’d thrown hand grenades at her life and knew her family was going to have an extreme reaction. Dealing with the fallout of coming out had kept her hidden within herself for years. But she wasn’t that version of herself anymore. The terrified twelve-year-old girl, on the verge of losing her friends, her sibling’s approval and her mother’s acceptance, was in the past where she belonged.
She caught sight of their reflection in the mirror on the opposite wall. Abi’s chin rested on her shoulder, her blue eyes bright and clear as she gazed back at her. This is who I am, she thought, seeing herself in the embrace of a woman who saw and loved her for all she was.
Opening Caroline’s voicemail again, she called her back. Her sister picked up on the second ring. “Hi Ca…” Blanching, she held the phone away from her ear and tapped the speaker.
“…the hell is going on, Jen?” she howled. “Mum is beside herself. She’s got Father Jenkins at the house, praying for you. We’re all praying for you. Mike is talking about driving to Sydney to bring you home. We’ve….”
“Jesus,” Abi muttered, rolling her eyes.
Caroline paused. “Who’s that? Am I on speaker? Who’s with you, Jen?”
Jen looked at her in askance. Abi shrugged.
“This is as good a time as any, I suppose. Caro, this is Abi.”
Silence followed. When she finally spoke, her sister’s tone was venomous. “You’re the one from France? The lesbian.”
“Aye, a Scottish lesbian, no less.”
Jen shifted uneasily in her embrace, but Abi’s grip only tightened.
“Are sleeping with her, Jen?” Her voice rose an octave. Chairs scrapped in the background and Sally’s voice echoed.
“Caroline? Who are you speaking with?”
“It’s Jen, mum.”
“Thank goodness.” Her mother’s voice grew louder. “Jen? Jennifer? Mrs MacKechnie’s been on the phone. She tells me she’s quite concerned about you. She says you’ve corrupted a student, Jennifer. What is she talking about?”
Jen had rung her sister to avoid speaking with her mother, not to have a group call. As Abi’s embrace tightened, she lent her head against hers, grateful to be so far away from her family. “I told you, mum, I’ve a girl in one of my classes who’s being bullied for being gay.”
“And we talked about all that. It’s Mrs MacKechnie’s problem, not yours. I assumed the issue had been dealt with.”
“It’s not a problem to solve, mum. Well, the bullying is, but Emily’s sexuality isn’t.”
“Please don’t use that language with me, dear,” Sally rebuked. Abi frowned, perplexed.
“Sally, may I?” a strange male voice interrupted. “Jenny, may I call you Jenny?”
“No.”
“Jennifer. This is Father Jenkins.”
Fuck, Abi mouthed, pulling a face. Jen rolled her eyes.
“Your mother and I have been praying for you…”
“I wish you wouldn’t,” Jen cut him off. “You’re implying something’s wrong with me, and that’s not the case.”
“She’s there with that woman,” Caroline sang out. Sally sniffed in disgust in the background. A moment of silence followed, and Jen imagined Father Jenkins waving at them to calm down and be quiet.
“We are all sinners in the eyes of God, Jennifer. But it’s our obligation to commit to resisting sin, no matter how tempting.”
Abi reached over and tapped the mute button on her phone. “He thinks I’m tempting,” she said and gave her a lascivious smirk in the mirror.
“Stop it,” she mouthed, trying to keep a straight face as Father Jenkins rambled on.
“Your mother tells me this is a sin you’ve long struggled with, but I want to tell you, it’s never too late to turn your face back to God.”
Angry, Jen stabbed the mute button. “Not to put too fine a point on things, father, please be quiet. I’ve never asked to speak to you about this, and your opinion isn’t welcome. I called my sister. Not you. Please get off the call.” A protracted silence followed and eventually footsteps echoed and the door closed.
“They’ve gone, Jen,” Caroline announced coldly. “You’ve embarrassed mum.”
“Well, that was bullshit, Caro. This isn’t an intervention.”
“It bloody well should be. What are you doing? You’re leading this girl at school astray and god knows what disgusting things you’re doing with that woman?! Have you lost your mind?!”
“I’m thinking very clearly, actually.”
“I find that very hard to believe. You haven’t been the same since that disastrous trip to France.”
“Jesus,” she sighed. “This is who I am, Caroline. Get used to it.”
A terse sigh hissed down the phone. “Mum’s really upset.”
“I can’t do anything about that. That’s for her to work out. But I’m not hiding myself away any more to keep you all comfortable. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, and if you all loved me the way you say you do, you’d be happy for me.”
“We love the sinner, Jen. Don’t expect us to love the sin. And we’re certainly not going to tolerate you rubbing our noses in it. If you want to throw your career away, I can’t stop you. But I won’t let you drag this family through the mud.”
They were at an impasse. Caroline’s sharp petulance was enough to signal the intractability of their conversation. Jen let out a long, tired breath. “You’ve always known this is who I am.”
“If that’s the lifestyle you want to live, Jen, well… I don’t know what to say.”
Abi sighed against her shoulder, her face mirroring some of the sadness that boiled away in Jen. This was the moment she had dreaded for so long. She needed to let her family go. Getting them to a place of acceptance wasn’t her responsibility. That was their journey. All she could do was wait and prepare herself for the possibility they might never make their way back to her, that they might choose to adhere to an antiquated faith rather than seeing and accepting her.
“Tell mum I love her.”
Caroline ended the call.
“You ok?” Abi whispered, wrapping her arms more tightly about her.
“Yeah, I think so.” She felt strangely settled. The moment she had been avoiding all her life had come and gone, and as painful as it was, she was still standing.
“I’m sorry,” Abi murmured.
“I’m not,” and she offered her a half smile. “Not right now, at least.”
“You’re the happiest you’ve ever been, eh?”
Jen swivelled in her arms. She swept the hair from her face, cupped the back of her head and kissed her. “Yeah.” Her mouth was a warm distraction. “Come home with me.”
“What about the calls from the school?”
“I don’t want to deal with those here. Come home.”
They packed Abi’s bags and checked out.
Back at Jen’s apartment, she procrastinated, settling Abi back in. Yvonne’s messages waited, and the longer she avoided them, the more she agonised. The prospect of dealing with her unnerved her more than her mother. She realised she was always disappointing Sally, and sadly, that made her rejection easier to cope with. But Mrs MacKechnie trusted her, and she felt like she was letting her down. They were sitting on the balcony when she finally explained to Abi what she was grappling with.
“You’re worried you’ve disappointed her? She’s letting the Board fire you for protecting a student from bullying.”
Abi sat next to her, her runner’s legs across her lap. Despite the cool wind, she wore shorts and a t-shirt, impervious to the chilly weather. Jen idly massaged the muscles around her knees as they talked.
