Prudence, p.25
Prudence, page 25
23.
Milly
I thought I did a good job of hiding my nervousness in front of Derek. He had no idea I was about to confront my aunt for the possible lies she’d told me over eighteen years ago. My palms were sweaty as I entered the restaurant where she’d made us a reservation. I had to summon some of the breathing techniques from Roberta’s meditation class just to calm my anxiety.
I wasn’t good at confrontation. Plus, Aunt Nell had a way of convincing you that you were wrong. Bringing people around to her way of thinking was a skill she’d honed over her decades as a talent agent, negotiating deals and getting the best pay and conditions for her clients. It really wasn’t fun when she used those skills to win personal arguments.
“Milly!” she exclaimed, standing from the table as I approached. Her hair, now a striking silver grey, was cut in a sharp, stylish bob. Her cream blouse, gold earrings and flowy, navy pants were effortless. Unlike my mother, who’d aged a lot over the last two decades, Nell had fewer wrinkles, though a fresh appearance was often the benefit of having the money to spend on treatments. “It’s so wonderful to see you. I’ve missed you and that girl of yours. Where is she, by the way? I was hoping she’d join us.”
“She wanted to, but Gigi, a friend of hers from back home, came to visit so they’re spending the day together.”
“Oh, that’s a shame. I’m glad to hear Deirdre’s made a friend, though. How has she been settling into life in Ireland?”
“It was a bit of a rocky start, but as soon as she met Gigi, things took a positive turn.” I paused to sip from the glass of water on the table, deciding to bring the subject up early so we could get this whole thing over with. “Gigi is actually my old friend Nuala’s niece. Her brother, Derek, is her father. Remember them from back in the day?”
My aunt pursed her lips as if I was being silly even asking the question. “Of course, I remember them. You haven’t forgotten who their father is and what he did to me, have you?” I opened my mouth to respond, but Nell cut me off. “Goodness, it’s like I can never shake that man and his offspring even at this ripe old age. First, his children befriend you, my beloved goddaughter, and now, his grandchild has set her sights on Deirdre.”
She shook her head as though appalled, and an anger simmered within me. Gigi was an innocent kid, but Nell somehow managed to transfer malevolent intent onto her without ever meeting the girl. Her statement revealed something I hadn’t noticed in the past, a certain bitterness that held no logic. Even if Padraig were the heartless villain she’d described to me, it didn’t mean his granddaughter possessed those traits. This only had me questioning her side as I realised the likelihood that my aunt had misled me was ever more possible.
“They’re friends, Nell, and Gigi is a great kid,” I replied tightly. “You speak like there’s something predatory going on.”
She arched an eyebrow. “Need I remind you of my relationship with her grandfather?”
Again, she employed no logic, but I didn’t call her on it. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.”
“Why ever would you want to discuss something so awful?” Nell griped. “I was hoping to enjoy this meal.”
I ignored her complaint and continued, “I helped Padraig a few weeks ago when he collapsed at Gigi’s birthday party. He has a benign brain tumour, and it was causing troubling symptoms. He’s having a surgery to remove it soon.”
“And this is pertinent to me how?” There was a snip in her voice, and she displayed no sympathy for Padraig’s health scare, which unsettled me. Over my career, I’d worked with an individual or two, namely other doctors, who’d revealed themselves to be not so nice people; however, I’d still have empathy if they found themselves falling gravely ill.
“I was alone with him for a short while, checking him over for injuries while we waited for the paramedics, and the subject of your relationship came up.”
My aunt stilled, a look on her face that was almost fearful, before she quickly wiped it blank. “Oh?”
“His account of what happened didn’t exactly match what you told me.”
She folded her arms and motioned for a passing server, who approached promptly. “I think we’re ready to order here. I’ll take the tuna steak. Milly, what do you fancy?”
I sent the waiter an apologetic look. “I’ll need a few more minutes, sorry.”
“Of course, madam.”
He left just as swiftly as he arrived, and my aunt huffed an annoyed breath as I narrowed my gaze at her. “Don’t you want to hear Padraig’s version?”
“Will you please stop saying his name? It pains me to hear it,” she begged with a long-suffering expression. I knew she used it to garner my sympathy and perhaps get me to drop the subject. Unfortunately for her, I was determined to have this out.
“Padraig said that you wanted to marry him. When he told you he couldn’t make that commitment, but that he’d still do everything he could to help raise the baby, you gave him an ultimatum that either he marry you, or you’d terminate the pregnancy.” I paused to take a breath, my hands shaking a little with nerves. “Is that true?”
Nell paled, then scoffed. “Of course not. He lied to save face.”
“Well, then, why are you acting so evasive?”
“Maybe because you’re reminding me of the worst period of my life,” she snapped.
“Right, and I apologise for that, but I really need to know if you lied because I … I made some decisions back then that really hurt me, but I made them because I felt a loyalty towards you.”
She blew out an exasperated breath. “What on earth are you blathering about now?”
“I’m talking about Derek,” I said, and Nell’s eyes narrowed. “You made me promise not to be with him, and I held to that promise. We were only ever friends, but I fell in love with him anyway. He fell in love with me, too, and then one day on the beach, he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him.” I paused, letting this information sink in. Nell’s only reaction was a slight tightening of her lips. “I’d wanted to say yes so badly, but I said no instead. I rejected the man I loved in a way I’ve never loved anyone else, even after all these years, and I did it for you. But now I’m finding out that what you told me about his father wasn’t entirely truthful, and perhaps I should have followed my heart after all.”
My aunt stared at me for so long I wondered if she’d ever respond. Then finally, in a dismissive voice, she said, “If you’d followed your heart, you might never have met Colin and had Deirdre. Would you give up that wonderful girl for some imagined teenage love that probably wouldn’t have lasted anyway?”
“It wasn’t imagined. In fact, it never went away. I still love him. I always will. We’re—” Unbidden, tears filled my eyes, but I managed to sniff them back. I was angry that she was using Deirdre against me. This wasn’t about my daughter. It was about the fact that she’d lied deliberately to influence me when I was young and impressionable and looked up to her even more than I did my own parents. Now I saw her for what she really was, a deeply insecure person who held grudges and manipulated people for her own ends.
A fleeting look of disgust passed over her face, like she found me pathetic, but then she forcibly softened her features as she reached across the table to pat my hand. “It was for the best. Look at the incredible life you’ve built, your amazing career. You wouldn’t have that if it wasn’t for me.”
“That’s not true. It might’ve taken me longer without your help, but I would’ve gotten where I am today regardless.”
“Was it not my ex-husband’s recommendation that got you your position at the Royal Marsden?”
“True, perhaps I wouldn’t have gotten that job without his referral, but I would’ve gotten one somewhere else. Nell, I don’t understand why we’re discussing this. What I really want to know is why you lied? Why was it so important to you that I saw Padraig as the villain when, really, he was just as scared as you were? I wouldn’t have judged you if you’d simply told me the truth. I’d have just as much sympathy for you as I did for him.”
Her expression flattened, and I could tell by the hardness in her gaze that she was quietly fuming. When she didn’t speak, I softened my voice, “Please. All I’m asking for is the truth.”
“I did it because I hated him!” she exploded suddenly, and I sat back in my seat, stunned by her outburst. A couple at the next table over glanced our way in concern. “He should have done the right thing and married me. I was carrying his child, and he should have stepped up to his responsibilities. I don’t care how young he was. I was young, too. But he imagines himself the gentleman just because he promised to take care of the child. How was I supposed to rely on a verbal promise alone? Then he goes on to become this big successful hotel magnate with a beautiful wife and three perfect children. He made the ideal life for himself, all the while never giving a care to what he did to me, how he discarded me.”
“That’s not true. He did think about you. I think he thought about you a lot over the years and regretted his actions.” So much so that when Paloma turned up on their doorstep pregnant, he’d reminded Derek of his responsibilities. Was that out of guilt for his own past actions?
“I see you’ve already been swayed to his side,” Nell sniffed as she picked up her bag and slid it over her shoulder, rising from her seat.
“I’m not on anyone’s side. None of this ever should’ve been about picking sides,” I replied sadly. “It was a horrible thing, and I’m sorry that it happened to you, but there were no villains in the story, not really.”
She lifted her chin, refusing to see sense. “I always knew this would happen. You were my favourite, Milly. I saw you as a young version of myself, and I’d hoped to be a guiding force in your life. If you’d started dating the Balfe boy, you would’ve been swept up into his orbit. You’d have joined Padraig’s family and distanced yourself from me. After what that man did to me, there was no way I was letting him steal my goddaughter away to become a part of his picture-perfect life.”
“That’s not what would’ve happened,” I said, my voice clear and steady. “You always would’ve had me in your life. I loved you, looked up to you in so many ways. You didn’t need to deceive me to keep me with you. The truth would’ve garnered just as much sympathy as the lie, and that’s the sad part.”
Aunt Nell stared at me for a long time. At last, she said, “If that’s how you feel, then I’m sorry, but I maintain that your life turned out for the better, so I don’t regret keeping you away from that boy.”
Her stubbornness was galling, but it didn’t surprise me. Aunt Nell wasn’t a woman to ever admit wrongdoing. She walked away and out of the restaurant, leaving me alone at the table while the server cast me a furtive glance. I picked up a napkin and dabbed at my eyes, swallowing down the rest of the tears that wanted to fall.
Was this it? Was my relationship with my aunt over? I was too overwrought by emotion to think clearly, but I just couldn’t see myself getting past the fact that she didn’t seem to feel a shred of guilt. If she’d sat across from me and expressed regret for the decisions she’d made as a younger woman, then maybe I could’ve found it in myself to move past it. But no, she’d held firm to the idea that she’d been right all along, and that was the most heartbreaking part.
Deep down, I wondered if any of it was even about Padraig and what he’d done to her. Perhaps at the core of it all, Nell was never going to approve of any boy unless he was someone she’d chosen personally, like Colin. I remembered when my neighbour PJ had asked me out and how she’d been appalled by the idea, swaying my opinion against him. I suspected Aunt Nell was simply used to controlling those around her and getting to make decisions for the people in her life. I’d always thought her three marriages had ended because she was so career focused, but maybe that hadn’t been it. Her need for control and her inability to compromise could’ve pushed her partners away or caused resentment.
Back when I was young, I’d always been so grateful for her generosity, how she’d helped my parents out time and again with money. But ultimately, that kept us all doing everything she wanted. It was just another form of control.
Feeling bad that we’d left the server waiting, and also that we’d taken up a table in a popular restaurant during their busy period, I ordered several dishes to go, deciding that Derek and the girls would probably be hungry when I got back. I left the server a generous tip, too, then went outside to look for a taxi.
By the time I got back to Colin’s house, I found the place empty. Derek and the girls were nowhere to be found, so I checked my phone and found a text from about an hour ago.
Derek: We went out for food and a walk in the park. Should be back in a few hours. x
The kiss lifted my mood a little as I placed the food in the fridge for later and went to the room I was staying in. The one next to it was Derek’s, and he’d left the door ajar. I saw his small suitcase at the foot of the bed and a few of his things scattered across the comforter. Some people might’ve been uneasy about hosting the man they were falling in love with under the roof of their child’s father, but my relationship with Colin wasn’t typical of exes.
When I asked if it was okay for Derek and Gigi to stay at his house while he was away, Colin had been more than happy to oblige. It was one of the reasons our relationship had never worked out. Colin’s love was light and easy going, not at all possessive or all-consuming. I needed so much more than easy. I needed to be desired and fought for. I needed to be someone they couldn’t stand to live without, and that was exactly how Derek made me feel.
When he walked into a room full of people, it was like I was the only person there. I knew it wasn’t a common thing, that the connection we shared was rare and precious, something to be treasured.
Tingles danced down my spine as I thought of the way he looked at me, the pleasurable shiver a good distraction from my sadness and disappointment in Aunt Nell. Her walking out of that restaurant today without any resolution, and her refusal to apologise, really did feel like the final nail in the coffin. Sadness gripped me that I’d lost a family member I’d once held dear, but sometimes it took half a lifetime to finally see a person clearly.
Slipping off my shoes and cardigan, I laid down in bed, meaning only to rest my eyes for a little while, but I ended up drifting off to sleep.
When I woke up, it was to a soft knock on my bedroom door.
“Milly, are you in there?” Derek called, and I replied somewhat groggily, “Yes, I was just napping.”
He hesitated a moment, then said, “I dropped the girls off at Deirdre’s friend’s house. I told them I’d be back to collect them in a couple hours.”
“Okay.”
There was a short pause before he asked, “Are you all right?”
“I’m fine, just tired.”
“You sound upset. Can I come in?”
“Of course, you can,” I replied, then realised I looked dishevelled after falling asleep in my clothes, so added. “Just give me a minute.” Sitting upright, I quickly ran to the adjoining bathroom to gargle some mouthwash and fix my appearance. “You can come in now,” I called as I returned to the bed. The door opened and Derek stepped inside.
He surveyed me intently, his gaze etched in concern. “You look like you’ve been crying. What happened?”
It suddenly felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. A tension crackled between us, and my conversation with Aunt Nell made me even more desperate for him. I didn’t want to waste another second after all the time we’d already lost. My heart screamed at me to tell him I loved him. The urgency built like a drumming pulse beneath my skin. My brain, on the other hand, held the words under a tight leash. I’d been putting off telling him about Aunt Nell, but the time had come for him to know. He deserved my honesty, especially since I’d never given it to him when we were younger.
“I had an argument with my aunt,” I revealed, and Derek came to sit by me on the edge of the bed.
“Okay, well, I’m sure it wasn’t—”
“No,” I cut him off. “It was bad. So bad that I don’t think I want her in my life any longer.” My throat wobbled with emotion as Derek took my hands into his, his warm, strong palms soothing some of the ache in my chest.
He caught my gaze, some kind of indecision warring behind his eyes before he asked, “Was the argument about my dad?”
Just like that, the bed dropped out from under me. I was freefalling. How did he … What the …
Blinking, I stared at him in shock. “You know?”
His fingers tightened around mine as he confessed, “I overheard you speaking with my father after he collapsed at Gigi’s party.”
“You’ve known since the party? Why didn’t you say anything?”
Derek’s shoulders seemed to deflate. He looked away for a moment before bringing his attention back to me. “I was going to, but then the more I thought about it, the more I decided it wasn’t important anymore. Whatever your reasons for keeping things from me in the past, I know they weren’t malicious. It’s not in your nature to be cruel. So long as you’re honest with me from now on I don’t care about things you didn’t tell me before.”
“You should care. I could be a terrible person.” I was shaking with the adrenaline of a two-decade old secret finally being exposed.
Derek’s gaze softened as he let go of my hands to move deeper onto the bed. “Milly, you couldn’t be a terrible person even if you tried. I see how you are, how you live for others. If you made a selfish choice, I know that it was ultimately to protect someone else.” He had no idea how close he was to the truth because the whole reason I’d kept him at a distance was to protect Aunt Nell’s feelings. But I wasn’t entirely unselfish. If I were, I never would’ve allowed myself to become friends with him back then. I would’ve stayed away from him completely in solidarity with my aunt, but I hadn’t. I was unable to resist his draw, the connection that always sparked to life in his presence.
